My mum's "other" family and abandonment

[Dotheshivvy]

My mum has possibly made some poor choices, or maybe neglectful choices in life. I am struggling at the moment with the choices she's made.

She wasn't the most consistently engaged mum. My dad spent much of his life in the pub when I was growing up and she seemed to want to do whatever he wanted to do and seemed to lack her own wants and needs and so went to the pub with him very regularly. My brother and I were very much on our own from our early teen years. The alcoholism then led to domestic violence and verbal and mental abuse from my dad towards us children. Mum didn't defend us.

I left home to live with my grandparents at 18, then Mum had an affair when I was 23 and moved away to live with her new partner soon after I fell pregnant with my first child. She moved to Scotland from England, left her job, her home, me and my brother and her unborn grandchild. I was young and scared after an unplanned pregnancy suffering severe pregnancy sickness also but managed to find my feet as I luckily had a good job and thankfully, supportive grandparents.

12 years on, she lives in a one bedroom property with the same partner in Scotland, meaning that we can't easily go and visit her as she has no space for us. She also has a cat and I'm allergic. There are few hotels close by as they live out in the sticks. She has partly retired so travels down to visit us once a month but I really struggle at times with the feeling that she's swapped families and is the mother to her partner's children that I always needed her to be to us.

Her partner is devoted to his kids so therefore my mum is devoted to them too. He is a family man. His kids are generally around 10-15 years younger than me. She often shares social media updates about meals she's cooked for them all and family barbecues she's hosted for them. His eldest child is now older than I was when she left England when I was pregnant. She supports them in their lives and jobs, gives them lifts in her car when they need it. All things I've missed out on with her. The mum I knew was always in the pub with my dad and rarely cooked or hosted for us. I've also been in an abusive relationship myself until 3 years ago and had little support. I'm now learning to undo the family pattern through regular therapy.

It's difficult as we have a good relationship overall, but I struggle sometimes. Then this morning she called me to tell me all about a family wedding she'd attended in Scotland (her partner's neice) and was gushing about all the compliments she received about what a great person she is and how much they all love her as part of the family. They have a large family there. Since my grandparents died, my brother and I only have each other. Her partner's daughter was apparently hugging her and thanking her for making her dad so happy. Something inside me partly feels she prefers her partner's family to her own at times and these feelings of neglect crop up again. She was part of our neglectful childhood, then she abandoned us and started afresh with someone else's kids.

She then posted on social media yesterday "beautiful meal with family, just missing Sarah." Who is her partner's older daughter. She is a few years older than I was when she left England when I was pregnant and I have never been included or missed from family gatherings like that. It really hurts sometimes. My brother tells me I give her too much grace. He keeps a distance from her and they have a strained relationship but I think this just pushes her closer to her partner's family.

Are my feelings valid?

I don't think you would have ended up in an abusive relationship were it not for your parents' actions, therefore talking to your therapist about "ex and kids" will inevitably lead to talking about childhood and how your parents are now. It's OK to admit childhood was crap, scary, lonely etc. It doesn't make you less of a successful person today. It's OK to grieve the childhood and family you didn't have.

agreed. You are totally justified in how you feel and I understand only too well how hard it is to lay this down and let it go.

sorry genuine question and not being sarky but why was your mum a part of his family but your stepdad wasn't part of yours. I don't understand the difference.

I have a family member who was a similar type of parent to your Mum. She was not a good parent, she would have liked to have been a good parent but she couldn’t be and her children suffered badly. She has turned her life around now and genuinely has good positive relationships in her life. I would argue she experienced a very similar upbringing to that of her children. Neglectful and damaging.

One of her children has a great relationship with her now, two others are very protective of themselves and keep their distance and another has had very severe issues. None of them have just gotten over it, they all have deep issues caused by their parenting and others having it worse doesn’t really seem to help them with that and actually interestingly neither does the type of relationship they have with their mother now help them with that, there are still issues they have to work through that stem directly from their coping mechanisms developed by their childhood.

You cannot pretend away a bad childhood, nor can you easily trust someone who has shown themselves to be deeply untrustworthy which your mother has. I think it is time to open up to your therapist so you can bring all the sub conscious emotions and reactions you are experiencing into consciousness. It allows you to take better care of yourself in the moment when you are aware of what you are actually experiencing.

I think you're blaming your mum for your dad's actions. Sounds like she was in a controlling and abusive relationship, she stayed until you were adults (probably for the sake of the kids) then escaped and is now able to be a normal human being.

Yes it is sad that she isn't closer and that she was abused so much she couldn't be a better mum to you, but it sounds like she comes down a lot. Be grateful for what you have and try to talk to her about your feelings. I bet she still loves you and your brother best.

I have absolutely no idea.
We never see him, she always visits without him, I barely know him and he's fully retired. I've no issue with him whatsoever.

Ultimately @Dotheshivvy your mum probably doesn't love your stepsiblings more than you or enjoy being with them more than you for themselves, it is probably that they make her feel good about herself because she is doing the right thing by them so her ego is boosted by being with them. That's what the social media posts are about - showing the perfect family. It's not about BEING the perfect family. You on the other hand are a reminder of her failure. However well she does with you, whatever effort she makes, she can never undo the damage she did to you previously. You can understand surely, if not empathise, why she might prefer to spend time with them.

I think it's time to tell your counsellor the truth about your relationship with your mother to start fixing your outlook. Your mother deserves happiness but so do you - and you need to work out what healthy boundaries you need to have in place with her to make that work. Perhaps you don't have her on social media any more, perhaps you go lower contact with her, perhaps you find another way to engage with her - a joint hobby, a trip with you and your kids, whatever you can think of. But you can't stay stuck where you are now.

And I say all this as someone with divorced parents with second families - so I get it.

oh I see. It seems a strange move on your mother's part to keep both lives separate as it were but it seems to have worked for you guys. Thanks for the reply.

@Dotheshivvy
Sorry I was asking another poster who said they had a mother who did similar and they were OK with it. Ignore my comment above

Hey no, its a fair question!

The difference I suppose is that I was approaching my 30s when he met my Mum, whereas his kids were only in their teens. He and my Mum never cohabited, even once they married, but she was in their lives day to day. She was there for birthday meals out, GCSE celebrations etc, gave them advice when they got dumped by their 1st girlfriend etc.

My step-Dad on the other hand often wouldn't be there when I went round my Mums, because he had his kids at his house, so I could easily go a month or so without seeing him, because our paths wouldn't cross.

Where I said "I still see my stepdad, but he's my friend, not my family", that was intended as a compliment rather than a slight. I probably see both my StepDad and my Dad about once a month. My Dad, its out of obligation. He was a dick when I was younger, although he's trying now. But if he wasn't my father, I'd have dropped him out of my life decades ago. But I see my StepDad frequently because I want to. I enjoy his company and want to spend time with him.

I was probably wrong to say he's not my family, it would have been more accurate to say "immediate family". My daughter got her GCSE results last week, and obviously I text my brother and Dad first, then my Aunts, my Granddad, and then StepDad. That's about where he comes on the family scale, and if it was just about family, we'd probably speak a couple of times a year on the phone, see each other at weddings etc. But we see each other much more than that because we're friends.

My daughter would probably be horrified to hear all of the above though. She's known him since she was 2, as far as she's concerned he's one of her grandparents, and one of her favoured ones at that! (A fact that does my Dads head in.)

Your feelings are completely valid and you’ve every right to feel put out and envious of the relationships she has formed with her “other” family.

I had/ have a very similar experience with my Dad and his wife’s kids. I always felt like the distant relative and an interloper.
I am an only child.
Things came to head 17 years ago, I haven’t seen him since and have stayed v v low contact - Christmas and birthday cards

I emigrated 4 years ago and wrote him a letter to tell him I was leaving (so he wouldn’t carry on sending cards to my old address) and took the opportunity to tell him how I felt; highlighting a few of my experiences (which he likely didn’t even remember)
He acknowledged the letter but not the content so whether what I said sunk in or not I’ve no idea but I found it cathartic saying my piece.
I have recently toyed with the idea of reconnecting with my Dad and have exchanged a few WhatsApp messages with him but I don’t know how to take the next step.

Again, yes your feeling are valid In your circumstances, given that you do have a good relationship with your mum I think I’d choose my moment to tell her how you feel and get it off your chest.
Other than that, mute her posts on SM, let it go and get on with your life. 💐

OP - I hope you continue to get help and maybe with time you'll be able to gain perspective and heal. Carrying around this constant source of resentment is not good for you - and despite what you think, your children probably pick up on. And undoubtedly it'll affect their future relationships.
This is how we all get and then pass on generational trauma.

Your mom had her own issues and own abusive marriage. It is a good thing she has found a happy relationship later in life.
You don't have to be happy for her. But you also don't need to vilify her.
Your feelings of hurt when seeing her different in her new life - are about your past trauma. And that needs to be addressed with a professional.

An internet forum is not something that can help you.

That makes sense then and sounds like a very well balanced approach to step families that has worked really well. Thanks for the response.

That makes sense then and sounds like a very well balanced approach to step families that has worked really well. Thanks for the response.