My mum's "other" family and abandonment

[Dotheshivvy]

My mum has possibly made some poor choices, or maybe neglectful choices in life. I am struggling at the moment with the choices she's made.

She wasn't the most consistently engaged mum. My dad spent much of his life in the pub when I was growing up and she seemed to want to do whatever he wanted to do and seemed to lack her own wants and needs and so went to the pub with him very regularly. My brother and I were very much on our own from our early teen years. The alcoholism then led to domestic violence and verbal and mental abuse from my dad towards us children. Mum didn't defend us.

I left home to live with my grandparents at 18, then Mum had an affair when I was 23 and moved away to live with her new partner soon after I fell pregnant with my first child. She moved to Scotland from England, left her job, her home, me and my brother and her unborn grandchild. I was young and scared after an unplanned pregnancy suffering severe pregnancy sickness also but managed to find my feet as I luckily had a good job and thankfully, supportive grandparents.

12 years on, she lives in a one bedroom property with the same partner in Scotland, meaning that we can't easily go and visit her as she has no space for us. She also has a cat and I'm allergic. There are few hotels close by as they live out in the sticks. She has partly retired so travels down to visit us once a month but I really struggle at times with the feeling that she's swapped families and is the mother to her partner's children that I always needed her to be to us.

Her partner is devoted to his kids so therefore my mum is devoted to them too. He is a family man. His kids are generally around 10-15 years younger than me. She often shares social media updates about meals she's cooked for them all and family barbecues she's hosted for them. His eldest child is now older than I was when she left England when I was pregnant. She supports them in their lives and jobs, gives them lifts in her car when they need it. All things I've missed out on with her. The mum I knew was always in the pub with my dad and rarely cooked or hosted for us. I've also been in an abusive relationship myself until 3 years ago and had little support. I'm now learning to undo the family pattern through regular therapy.

It's difficult as we have a good relationship overall, but I struggle sometimes. Then this morning she called me to tell me all about a family wedding she'd attended in Scotland (her partner's neice) and was gushing about all the compliments she received about what a great person she is and how much they all love her as part of the family. They have a large family there. Since my grandparents died, my brother and I only have each other. Her partner's daughter was apparently hugging her and thanking her for making her dad so happy. Something inside me partly feels she prefers her partner's family to her own at times and these feelings of neglect crop up again. She was part of our neglectful childhood, then she abandoned us and started afresh with someone else's kids.

She then posted on social media yesterday "beautiful meal with family, just missing Sarah." Who is her partner's older daughter. She is a few years older than I was when she left England when I was pregnant and I have never been included or missed from family gatherings like that. It really hurts sometimes. My brother tells me I give her too much grace. He keeps a distance from her and they have a strained relationship but I think this just pushes her closer to her partner's family.

Are my feelings valid?

There's a lot to unpick in the past, but I do think that coming from Scotland to England once a month is quite a lot of help.

Also you keep mentioning the age you were pregnant at, indicating you needed help, possibly as you were in an abusive relationship at the time. I think your mother was in the same situation.

Is it the closeness with her partner's family and children that really bother you OP?

I can understand her argument that as you were 23, independent, pregnant and going to move in with your then boyfriend - then she should have been able to move on with her new partner. It's a shame he lives as far away as Scotland, but it's not on another continent is it?

So I think you need to be more tolerant of the physical distance between your houses. The rest of it - she sounds a bit unthinking and lacking in emotional intelligence to not see how hurtful this could feel to you.

As far as she's concerned, she escaped an unhappy marriage with an abusive alcoholic and is lucky to have a new life where she feels loved and appreciated. She either doesn't want to think too hard about the effect of your poor childhood on you and your brother, or she's not intelligent enough to just "know" it. I strongly suspect there's a lot of burying her head in the sand about it.

@Dotheshivvy re *I've spoken to mum a few times.
Sometimes she gets upset and says she has regrets, sometimes she blames me and says she "had" to move away because we had planned to rent a house together so that she could leave my dad (I didn't know about the affair at the time). *
Next time she tells you this, ask her would the plan have been for you and her to live with the new partner and his family and not tell you?

My therapist asks me sometimes who is supporting me. I feel embarrassed by that question so I always say "my mum." It's awkward because she does support me over the phone most days but I know it's not really the same.

If the phone call where she told you about how much her DP's family value her is typical, it's not support, is it? Do you have the feeling she comes to play Disney Grandma more to be able to tell her 'other' family that she's done it, and they can give her even more praise?

I would be honest with your therapist. I suspect your therapist knows the real answer is 'no-one'. Why are you speaking to your mum so frequently? Is it actually helpful to you at all?

This is really tough and I am really sorry op, as a stranger on the Internet... She sounds empty and probably doesnt have feelings for the "daughter" either for what it's worth op. It's just what works for her at the time. Spineless. Coming from some similar issues what only worked for me is not to view her as a mum or expect things from her, especially mum things. Be distant, and be prepared, when you do that what will happen is she will gaslight you, talk about how her own children are ungrateful but her new daughter is so great...don't let it get to you, don't have or engage in any common people or friends or family members so you don't hear or care about these things. Focus on your family, your brother, you're lucky to have a brother who can validate what has happened and offers support.. ❤

Make your peace. You can't change the past.
I've had similar... one of the many low points was when DC asked what nanny got them for Christmas (nothing).
A few days later, she told me she bought a bicycle for nieces birthday in January...

With respect, @Dotheshivvy - I am not sure I really understand what you expect from the grown daughter/mother relationship.
I agree that your mother had been lacking as a parent when you were teenagers.

But your post seems to be totally one sided. All about your feelings of hurt and jealousy. Completely lacking any empathy for your mom. Ok - you were 23 when you got pregnant. But she was 21 when she married. And had clearly been in an abusive marriage to an alcoholic. You say he was abusive to you - it is highly likely he was to her just as well.

You both escaped and saved yourselves from him - in different ways. You - "ran off" with a boyfriend. She - to her affair and moved away.

I do no think it is fair for you to expect for your mother's life to be about YOUR life and YOUR needs. You have been an adult for a long time by now.

Finally - about her monthly visits. Again - I do not think it is fair to blame her for being a "Disney" granma. Why shouldn't she want to spoil the kids and bring presents??? It's a normal thing grandparents do. The day to day parenting stuff is on you - you are the parent. YOU chose to have the children.

The whole thing - I am embarrassed to tell my therapist that my mother doesn't "support" me....

Of course she does. In any normal sense and definition - she does.

But your unresolved issues - and your expectations of her "debt" to you as a mother from long time ago - I think is at the core of how you feel. And this is exactly what you should get your therapist to help you with.

No. I can honestly say that the feelings have arisen this week after the phone call and the social media post. I had made peace with a lot of it. But the declarations she makes about her step family whom she makes more effort with has triggered the feelings again. I don't think there are many daughters who wouldn't feel upset at a post about a family celebration and stating that the step daughter was missing but not her actual daughter... 🤔

But you weren't missing from that celebration. You're not a part of that family, but the step daughter is.

My Mum remarried when I was an adult, to a man with two teenage kids. I like my stepdad very much, and I like his kids, but I was never a part of that family. We spent a few Christmases together etc. and I always felt welcomed, but that was a separate family, one which my Mum was a part of, but not me and my brother. Which was fine, we had our own family, me, my Mum, my brother. Mum died a few years ago. I still see my stepdad, but he's my friend, not my family. I almost never see his kids, wasn't invited to their weddings etc. And that's fine.

You have issues around your history with your mother, and the upset your feelings about that is perfectly valid. And you're probably right that there is a part of your Mum that prefers her new family. Spending time with them doesn't remind her of her abusive ex-husband, and of the ways she failed you. With them she can have a simple uncomplicated life.

But that doesn't mean she's not trying to make things better with you. You speak daily, she has been able to support you with difficult life stuff. She makes regular trips down to see you and your children, and spoils them rotten when she does. There's lots of people who grew up in "happy" nuclear family's who don't have that level of contact and support.

You can acknowledge that your Mum has failed you in the past while also accepting that she's trying to make up for it right now. By all means talk about difficult feelings, but try to do it carefully. It would be a shame to damage the relationship you have managed to build despite the difficulties getting there.

"You can acknowledge that your Mum has failed you in the past while also accepting that she's trying to make up for it right now."

What in post makes you think I haven't been doing this? We get along well as explained in my OP. I just struggle with how I feel about it sometimes... just like you acknowledge in your response. I don't understand what your response is really saying.

I'm sorry you went through this it sounds very tough. I do think they see it as having a second chance with new family members having failed the first time. It's like they take on a whole new persona. You are better off without him.

I've never really thought of it as gaslighting before but I felt really uncomfortable when she was gushing about what her partner's family think of her. That could explain why. Thanks.

I find it difficult listening to what a positive change she's made to their lives when ahe couldn't do it for us.

I slept on my grandparents' sofa for a year because home life with her and my dad was so bad.

But you weren't missing from that celebration. You're not a part of that family, but the step daughter is.
Is that sentence not anathema to mumsnet?

How do you know that the visits are helpful?

Your feelings are certainly valid, though I have to warn you that in my opinion feelings are always valid so that might not count for much. I think that the best you can do is accept your feelings and learn to live with them, without hoping that your mother will change. As has been said elsewhere on here: she can’t give you what she hasn’t got. I think it’s a huge plus that you and your brother understand each other’s experiences, so continue to value that relationship

To respond to the original poster too:
My point, as clearly stated in the OP, was never about my lack of invitation but of how she relates to her step family on a closer level than us. There were never any special family meals or get togethers when she was part of the family that she created. I was never missed from anything.

I think this is spot on. Your mum doesn't seem to have much of an identity outside of her partner. Her current one is a family man so she plays the family mother hen. If she'd married a musician I'm guessing she'd be on the road going to gigs and learning the guitar.

What I've learned in life at an ancient age I'll pass onto you in case it helps: you can't change anyone and it's pointless to try or even hanker after it. I don't put myself out massively any more for people who are lukewarm about me. I still see them but I don't have any expectations of them and I accept what they can give (in terms of love, support, fun times, acts of service etc) without offering more of myself than is reasonable to give. It sounds transactional but in actual fact I have much more emotional energy to spare on those I really love who love me too.

I would certainly give up on your mum ever being the mum you crave. Find other lovely role models who are there for you. Mute her social media and maybe push back when she gushes about her 'new' family. It's insensitive and unkind but is part of her invention of herself as a different person entirely I suspect.

For her part, she obviously is trying, in that she travels once a month to you, which is (from what you've said about the journey) a big deal, and she also phones or your talk most days, which is a lot of contact.

That said, you can still be very hurt by the past, even though someone is behaving superficially 'ok' in the present, indeed, them showing up, especially when they don't acknowledge the hurt or the difficulties of the past, can make you feel more alone and less bonded and not more.

Your mum is giving what she can, she's human and frail and was in an abusive relationship. She is also selfish or self-absorbed and doesn't have that ability to reflect meaningfully on where she succeeded but also where she failed, which then makes you closer to people- her saying how great everyone says she is is quite a boastful or narcissistic thing to say and it must be very annoying when she was neglectful or even enabling of your dad and his alcohol problem, and the DV you all experienced.

I don't think there's a perfect solution- she can be showing her love in her way to the best of her ability and it can still be hurtful she didn't 'save' you in childhood or stay around when she said she would. She isn't going to have great insight though, she's just not able to be real about what went on and apologise for her part in it, and yes, she did have a part in facilitating your dad's behaviour even if she was in an abusive relationship herself.

I would start to ask- what would I like contact to look like? How much do I want to see her? Do I want daily calls? I would start to actively set about getting your needs met in this situation, not just hers.

A stepmum will only ever be a stepmum. When her stepkids all begin to have kids themselves she will soon learn her place in the family. In the meantime just cut her out completely because your kids are better off with no gp than one that’s such a pile of shit.

Sorry OP, I didn't at all mean to imply that you weren't already doing that. As I said before, it sounds like you and your Mum have a really good relationship now. I think all I was trying to say was that sometimes peoples past behaviour affects us now in ways that the person who hurt us can't see.

So in your Mums case, the post on Facebook probably wouldn't have affected you at all if you didn't already have feelings of abandonment around your mother, so your Mum may struggle to understand why this particular post affected you if you decide to bring it up with her.

I had a truly atrocious relationship with my father in my teens and 20s. He was a selfish man who always put his own wants and needs first, and left a swath of destruction in his wake. He has changed over the last 15 years, and we have a much better relationship now. A lot of that is down to him putting the work in, even when I've not been receptive. But even though he's now a man I can trust, someone who I could call on in an emergency and know he'll be both present and helpful, I still feel a substantial pang of anger every time he has to drop plans with me because something else has come up. I have to talk myself down, because I know those feelings aren't about his behaviour now, but a version of him that doesn't really exist any more.

I think thats all I was really trying to say, and it wasn't an attempt to teach, more of an "I get it." I worded it badly obviously!

This post summarises is the typical example of your lack of perspective/awareness/etc.

What many posters are telling you - and what you seem to get quite defensive about is that you mother IS making a lot of effort with you. Coming monthly from Scotland and spending time with grand kids - and "spoiling" them - it far MORE than most of grand parents who don't live in the same area do.

But you won't acknowledge that at all.

You have a post after post about your mother, and about how her new family is triggering you. But then say that you have no unresolved issues.
You do. It is still affecting you - and you are not even talking to your therapist about it. Maybe it's time to deal with it, hard as it is.

Your mom has a new family - and it's a good thing. She deserves to have her positive experiences and have a good relationship with her new family. It really has nothing to do with you.

You had been dealt a short straw as a child. But carrying so much resentment with you isn't great. Your mother doesn't need to be horrible to her step children to restore some balance in the universe. And that won't change your past anyway...

I think you should listen to your brother. Your mum may be trying to portray the narrative of devoted stepmum and appears to play this role well but you and she know what your childhood was like. Regardless of the reasons, you are allowed to feel your feelings but really I think you should just focus on your life, whether your mum is in or out. Just go live your best life.

"Coming monthly from Scotland and spending time with grand kids - and "spoiling" them - it far MORE than most of grand parents who don't live in the same area do."

So the question remains... How do YOU know the visits are helpful?

And how do YOU know that she does MORE than other grandparents who don't live in the same area??? How do you know what all these other grandparents are doing? Because your perception from what I see is wrong.
You're clueless.
Your posts are pointless.
Maybe find another post to condescend.

@Sashya what thread are you reading?! Your mother doesn't need to be horrible to her step children to restore some balance in the universe. And that won't change your past anyway.. where has @Dotheshivvy suggested she wants her mother to be horrible to her stepdaughter?