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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband constantly offering advice and questioning me

92 replies

DaphneDahlia · 31/08/2024 21:12

Long time lurker but first time poster, so please be gentle. My husband and I have been together over 30 years. The past year or so I have found him getting increasingly difficult. He constantly watches what I do in order to offer advice on how to do it better. He questions my decisions. Earlier today we got on a bus and I waited to be instructed where to sit, because it's easier that way as whatever seats I choose will be 'wrong'.
I have given up packing a bag when we go out for the day as he will unpack and pack it again. So what's the point in me doing it?
I have just washed up and he has questioned my method for soaking a pan with stuck on food.
He will argue to the with me or the children over stuff that really doesn't matter.
If I try to talk to him about it, he either gets huffy or tells me that he is trying to help me.
Has anyone else experienced this and what did you do about it?

OP posts:
ForKeenLimeOtter · 01/09/2024 21:25

If he hasn't always been like this could it be that he's having issues with anxiety/OCD/stress? Some people with these sort of issues feel the need to have some control over their environment. Not that it makes it easier for you but just worth considering.

Not wanting to diagnose something with no information but people that have early signs of dementia, for example, can become argumentative and also feel confused, or just generally have a change of behaviour.

Also, some people that can be intensely irritating may be doing it as they genuinely think they're being helpful.

It's difficult to say and only you will know if this is just his way or whether something has changed.

People replying that he's just a twat don't seem very sympathetic to your situation and I assume if he is then you wouldn't bother asking for advice!

Original poster
DaphneDahlia · 01/09/2024 22:14

ForKeenLimeOtter · 01/09/2024 21:25

If he hasn't always been like this could it be that he's having issues with anxiety/OCD/stress? Some people with these sort of issues feel the need to have some control over their environment. Not that it makes it easier for you but just worth considering.

Not wanting to diagnose something with no information but people that have early signs of dementia, for example, can become argumentative and also feel confused, or just generally have a change of behaviour.

Also, some people that can be intensely irritating may be doing it as they genuinely think they're being helpful.

It's difficult to say and only you will know if this is just his way or whether something has changed.

People replying that he's just a twat don't seem very sympathetic to your situation and I assume if he is then you wouldn't bother asking for advice!

I wonder if it is anxiety as we've just had another set to about how I've left the recycling. He has said he needs to learn to not worry about it so much. I'm hoping if I start pushing back then he will see that his behaviour is bothering/exhausting me

OP posts:
JerryHasSprungAgain · 01/09/2024 22:25

It seems odd to me that you've been married for 30 years but it's only in the last year or so that his behaviour has become like this. I'm just going to throw this in the mix - is it possible he has a neurological condition or anything dementia-related? What was he like before? I would sit down with him and say you're worried about his changed behaviour and ask for his take on it. He might get aggressive and defensive but if you just go along with things as they are I can only see the situation getting worse. Change nothing - nothing changes.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/09/2024 23:28

DaphneDahlia · 01/09/2024 22:14

I wonder if it is anxiety as we've just had another set to about how I've left the recycling. He has said he needs to learn to not worry about it so much. I'm hoping if I start pushing back then he will see that his behaviour is bothering/exhausting me

Show quote history

You don't just need to push back, you need to tell him very, very clearly that it needs to stop. Completely. You have had it with having everything you do micromanaged by him. He is not your dad, he's not your line manager, and you are not an idiot. It's time to get angry, op. Absolutely refuse to be treated like a fool.

Fraaahnces · 02/09/2024 18:08

I’d be very reluctant to allow him to medicalise his behaviour @DaphneDahlia. He will be blaming all of his controlling fuckery on his anxiety and expecting you to be his scapegoat. You are not the cause of this. He needs to stop.

Chrissyb77 · 03/12/2025 08:00

Be careful as all of this behaviour can lead you to feeling inadequate and you end up feeling worthless. Start setting boundaries now tell him just because he doesn't agree it doesn't make your choices wrong and tell him to stop interfering.

Bettyfromlondon · 03/12/2025 08:41

Do you really want to grow old with this man?

SwordToFlamethrower · 03/12/2025 08:44

Tell him to fuck off, you'll sit where you want to, paxk your own bag how you want to and if he doesn't like it then LTB

WhosMadeline · 03/12/2025 08:51

My DH does this thing which I’ve finally managed to describe to him, and ask him not to do, and now I laugh and point it out when he does it. Maybe that’s an approach?

My DH’s thing was sudden, massive outpourings of passionate opinions made up on the spot about things to do with our doer upper house. Eg. I would say, I have been wondering about (insert really specific, new idea about something we hadn’t discussed before). DH response “Oh god NO NO NO definitely not, because (insert passionate 10 minute explanation he’s made up on the spot but delivered with passion that sounds like he’s spent 10 years writing a dissertation about it). Hard to describe, so annoying.

jannier · 03/12/2025 11:28

Chrissyb77 · 03/12/2025 08:00

Be careful as all of this behaviour can lead you to feeling inadequate and you end up feeling worthless. Start setting boundaries now tell him just because he doesn't agree it doesn't make your choices wrong and tell him to stop interfering.

Hopefully things have changed since the last post in September 24...

iamnotalemon · 03/12/2025 12:05

This is a genuine question. You’ve been together over 30 years. Has he suddenly changed or have you just noticed it more and have less tolerance for it?

Yellowsunbeam · 03/12/2025 12:17

DaphneDahlia · 31/08/2024 21:57

I worry for my marriage because I am starting to feel like I don't want to spend time with him

I've had similar..
He will reload the dishwasher after I've loaded it ,plus other stuff ,
He gets told to fuck of
He doesn't try it with the kids or his parents
In fact his parents are very dominating,and have caused us a lot of issues in the past
My theory,for my situation,was that his parents were bullying him ,and he was trying to do the same to me ,run me down ,make me feel shit ,..
I pull him up on every little thing ..very calmly,I tell him that's not correct/ not acceptable or sometimes just STFU...
So mine says he doesn't realise he's doing it ,and he does say sorry when I say he's out of order ...but I've had to be really firm with him and make it clear I'm not putting up with his shit
The more you let him get away with it ,the more it will happen
I have wondered if it's worth staying together..but so far he's nipped it in the bud
Time will tell

Everythingwillbeokay · 03/12/2025 12:46

Mine is a little like this. I go off at the deep end and he says I'm defensive. It's not something I've managed to fix.

Octoberfest · 03/12/2025 17:51

Look up "Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder" (not to be confused with OCD) and I think you'll have your answer.

What to do thereafter is another question entirely, as people with OCPD traits never think they're wrong.

Onthemaintrunkline · 03/12/2025 18:28

I simply couldn’t live with someone like this, someone who lets me know he knows more on practically everything than I do, comments on my decisions and challenges many of them in the guise of ‘helping’. And his arrogance/ego is so enlarged he thinks it’s ok to demean you in this way. Do you not make decisions together, your input being considered and valued?

What does this do to your self worth? You’ve already retracted and he doesn’t, or has to intention of ‘getting it’. This man’s a big headed bore. He tells you how to wash up!!🙄. I wonder how long before his control will be total. This is insidious.

Standup, sort it or…well, nothing changes if nothing changes.

invisiblecat · 03/12/2025 18:33

Octoberfest · 03/12/2025 17:51

Look up "Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder" (not to be confused with OCD) and I think you'll have your answer.

What to do thereafter is another question entirely, as people with OCPD traits never think they're wrong.

Maybe look up the date the thread was started...

Elseybee · 18/12/2025 21:20

I wondered how you've dealt with it. My husband is very similar, it's so irritating and frustrating. He sounds a lot like yours - if I go into a cafe and choose a table for example, it'll always be wrong and he'll make a fuss to move to a different one. And he always has to direct the simple tasks like stacking the dishwasher (even though he is terrible at it as he overfills it so things don't wash properly). It gets to the point where I can't make a cup of tea without him telling me to do it a different way - and if I sit down for 5 minutes to write a text or something he'll come in and say 'what's going on?' 'what you doing?' in an accusatory way. I find myself just trying to stay out of his way - I'm a very educated nearly 50 year old adult and he treats me like I don't know anything. I'm losing the will to live.

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