Husband constantly offering advice and questioning me

[DaphneDahlia]

Long time lurker but first time poster, so please be gentle. My husband and I have been together over 30 years. The past year or so I have found him getting increasingly difficult. He constantly watches what I do in order to offer advice on how to do it better. He questions my decisions. Earlier today we got on a bus and I waited to be instructed where to sit, because it's easier that way as whatever seats I choose will be 'wrong'.
I have given up packing a bag when we go out for the day as he will unpack and pack it again. So what's the point in me doing it?
I have just washed up and he has questioned my method for soaking a pan with stuck on food.
He will argue to the with me or the children over stuff that really doesn't matter.
If I try to talk to him about it, he either gets huffy or tells me that he is trying to help me.
Has anyone else experienced this and what did you do about it?

In the painting situation he would want to teach me how to do it his way and then watch me do it with a barrage of advice

Ah yes- I'm married to someone very similar- after 29 years I've realised that although I do like him and care about him I don't actually much like living with him -

Yes, I've experienced this.

He's now exH. I found myself standing up straight and bearthing deeply for the first time in years when he left.

Life is too short to put up with this kind of BS. You're not out on this earth to be the target of someone else's need to control, dominate, and bully.

Are you still together?

Sounds like my ex. This will destroy your spirit and self esteem if you let it go on much longer. Tell him he either stfu or goes somewhere else.

It's not an age thing.

And you should worry for yourself. This kind of treatment will grind you down and reduce you to a shadow of your former self.

Marriage isn't supposed to be an experience like a rock tumbler operated by one of the spouses, with the other stuck inside, getting worn down more with every turn.

Tell this twat you're happy to give him a detailed critique and a few pointers on his performance in bed next time he tries teaching you to wash up.

But seriously, see a therapist for yourself, and then see a solicitor.

I completely relate to what you have said. It’s very difficult to deal with and I sympathise and send hugs. Just remember it’s not you it’s his issues that he’s portraying onto you. I just bite my tongue and have given up saying something back and just agree. It doesn’t feel right though. I’ve tried to say it’s controlling and he just says it’s me who has the problem.

He could dig a patio...

People do have conflicts and differences of opinions in relationships, but some people cannot do anything any other way than THEIR way.

They need to have everything to their exact liking otherwise they get anxious or irritable. They either can't be flexible & compromise or just don't want to.

It's damaging to children (speaking the child of this type of parenting). The impression you get is that you are incompetent at almost everything you do, you cannot be trusted, or you must be saved from your own stupidity. The parent may never call their child an idiot, but this is what this type of behaviours communicates to a child & adult children.

I have told him on previous occasions that I am an adult and that I manage these things when he is not around

And it's fallen on deaf ears, hasn't it?

OP, he sees you are little more than a large child, and your words carry as much weight as a child stomping their foot down and shouting 'I CAN drive the car Daddy' (when the child is 6 years old)......except...you're not a child.

Some men are like this to women as well. We must be saved from our pink, pea-sized brains by lofty-minded men who will show us the 'right' way. 🙄

When I first met my husband he started to give me advice on my cooking, so in return I suggested that as he was the expert he did all the cooking in future. We have now been married for 34 years and I haven't cooked a meal for us since! It is frustrating and I sometimes just ignore him.

Marriage isn't supposed to be an experience like a rock tumbler operated by one of the spouses, with the other stuck inside, getting worn down more with every turn

That is such a good comparison.

Personally, I really dislike the whole 'Marriage is hard work'. No it isn't, and I really dislike how this mantra encourages people to stay in unhealthy, stressful and downright abusive or dangerous relationships.

You have the occasional argument maybe, but it shouldn't be a rock tumbler as you say, or 'hard work'.

I remember being ground down like that and calling my ex hard work to be around. It's because I was actually working. I had to soothe & cheer him up all the time, just to stop him from getting into one of his many, many moods where he would end up shutting down and blocking me out, or getting nasty & huffy with me.

Oh my God that is so extreme! Do you make him lunch at least?

FFS, people need to grow up. When I eat someone else's food, I just accept it might not be to my exact liking, but that's ok given I'm not the one who spent my time making it.

He can't teach you if you walk away

I agree lots of women moan about their partners not doing things right particularly household and childcare

Do it back to him.
'You know dh you should really fold your boxers into an orgami swan'
'I can't believe I never noticed you tie your laces wrong'
Then empty whatever he's done like his drawers and do it properly in a really random awkward way.
Then tell him to fuck off being a twat or you'll flush his origami pants down the loo

Agree with Lallybroch. Let him do it first time right . I have been in this role great job wanted to do everything right but if he can do it better let him takes the load off you ...he is happy and you can chill. Was hard for me but a win win ...I did less he was happy and really who wants to do everything ?

@DaphneDahlia Yes,many reasons- if I was younger and more secure financially , then it may not have been the case - I also would be very sad to lose the friendship- which I suspect would happen

If he’s got a lot worse recently could it be OCD? When mine’s bad I can’t hold back the urge of doing things a certain way, it’s exhausting for everyone but it’s stress and anxiety related.

firstly tell him he has to stop interfering and that you are at your wits end, unable to tolerate his behaviour. He needs to find some hobby’s fast.

Just state you don’t need his help each time and do the opposite of what he requests. Talk about something unrelated and don’t get drawn into conversations about what you’re doing.

Pack your own bag and put it on your back. Don’t give the opportunity to check but if he checks it, recheck the bag afterwards so that it’s as you want. Tell him you don’t need his help thank you very much.

every time he directs you, ignore his direction and politely redirect him to a task. The garden, sorting shopping or what ever.

Mine has always been like this. (also acts the charmer with people he works with etc. They have no idea what he's really like). He won't get better but YOU will indeed get worse. From your post, he's already coercive controlling you. I can't go in a shop if he's around without feeling as though I've got to rush even though I'm always patient with him in the same situation. It's not that it gets worse with age, its simply that the control gets more affirmed as time goes on. It's the little things, exactly as you described, like him moaning that I've missed a bit on the washing etc. If its the other way round then I just rewash it without saying anything. It's petty and unreasonable behaviour.
It will damage your self esteem, your confidence, it's miserable and its draining. You will lose touch with what is reasonable behaviour. You know where I'm going with this OP. When it's at it's worst or even just when its one thing like the bus seat then think about that but x10(times ten) because that's the reality. Seriously consider if you can be happy in this situation forever or indeed if you are happy now. It's one of those situations that is almost hard to pinpoint but you know it's there if that makes sense and it really does gradually creep up on you. If someone truly loves you, they don't treat you like this.
Talikg to someone you trust irl will help you see it. Just by talking about it will suddenly make you realise, hopefully, as you know in yourself, it's not right. I really wish you all the best.

@jannier True.

Yet, there's a difference between someone who's anxious & controlling, and someone who has to parent with a man who uses strategic incompetence to ensure their poor wife has to do everything. The latter is a manipulative tactic and I think many women are subject to.

Such wives get pictured as the one in the driving seat, handling everything or someone who must be in control of everything, when they're not. It's their (quite often male) partner who's in control of that relationship, except, he's sitting in the back with his feet up. She knows that unless she manages everything, medicines won't be picked up, the kids homework won't be done, the dishes will be left in the sink to pile up for days, and bills left unpaid.

However, it can be difficult to know at times how much of this is genuinely how the person is and would live if they were single, how much of it's been caused by the woman stepping in too often and not letting the other partner get used to having ownership over certain tasks and getting into a rhythm (which I have encouraged women here to allow previously), and how much of it is manipulative.

Yes, but you have a choice. You can leave the room. You don't have to be so passive. Sit him down and tell him what a PITA he is becoming and see what he says. When he tells you it's important to do things properly you can say that sometimes your own way is good enough, don't sweat the small stuff, etc. How have you managed to stay alive all these years despite doing everything wrong?! I don't know - I don't have the answers. He sounds really annoying!

My husband sometimes gives me unsolicited advice and I tell him I didn't ask for his advice and won't be following it.

I have a simple rule. You Interfere, You Volunteer.
So the moment he opens his mouth with his unasked for advice, you hand it over to him and go watch TV or something.

What would happen if you said no to him and just did it your way? Or said to him that if you want his advice you will ask for it?

Perhaps he is trying to be helpful but it is controlling and not good for your confidence!

I guess that you go along with his 'suggestions' to avoid rows?

You can be firm but non-confrontational if you want to:

Watch him re-pack your bag and say 'that's brilliant thanks...but I still prefer it my way' then repack it your erroneous way/ Sit in your chosen seat-agree that his suggestion is excellent but again point out that you prefer yours.

Don't add a 'because' unless you want to be crushed by his planned arguments. Just preferring 'the wrong way' is hard to battle with.

Enjoy taking the wrong path for a while.

Next time he does it, don't lose heart and walk off. Get annoyed with him. Read him the riot act and tell him you are sick and tired of his attitude towards you and if he's such an expert, he can do all of it from now on.