Page 3 | Husband constantly offering advice and questioning me

wizzywig · 01/09/2024 11:09

See I'd be passing all that mundane stuff to Mr know it all to do

Original poster

DaphneDahlia · 01/09/2024 12:23

Thanks all for your replies. I have some thinking to do about how to deal with this and you have given me ideas

OP posts:

TheDogHasFarted · 01/09/2024 15:05

I also have one of these husbands and I don't think it's an age thing, I think it's a control thing or a manipulation thing.
At the supermarket checkout, I'll pack a bag and he'll unpack it and then repack it, so I just stand there and let him do all the grocery packing now 😆When he comes up to me when I'm cooking and asks why am I doing this or that, I'll say something like "Oh good, you're here to take over are you?" and put whatever utensil I'm holding down and turn away. It's taken years though for me to realise what's going on and view his behaviour as manipulative, it really is insidious and creeps up on you.
His latest thing is if I get out of the car before him and close the door, he will lean across and re-open my door and reclose it, even if I had closed it properly in the first place.
I find it exhausting and a real passion killer. I'm hoping to pluck up the courage to leave the relationship soon because of this programme of undermining my every action, along with other issues.
Good luck to you, whatever you decide to do.

Seas164 · 01/09/2024 15:05

DaphneDahlia · 01/09/2024 12:23

Thanks all for your replies. I have some thinking to do about how to deal with this and you have given me ideas

Good. If he starts to root through your bag, how about something like,

Thanks love, I have everything in the bag that I need in the place that I want it, if you'd like to pack a bag for yourself then go for it.

If he refuses to sit down next to the seat you have chosen on the bus, you could try, I'm going to stay here because I like this view, we sat in your choice last time, let's take it in turns. You could choose on the way back.

This is not rocket science so I can only presume that you've tried something similar and it's not gone down well. If he's offended or sees it as an issue, he is uncomfortable with you displaying autonomy, and having boundaries. Which is a bigger issue than bus seats and bags. Good luck.

weAllWanttheBest · 01/09/2024 15:11

He is a bully, mentally ill, has border personality or just wants to hate you. The next step will be him calling you stupid and uncapable of doing the simplest things and convincing you that you are mentally ill. I suggest for you looking for ways out now.

Fraaahnces · 01/09/2024 15:18

What the fuck’s he going to be like when he DOES retire? You are going to have to seek the services of Mumsnet Patio Builds @DaphneDahlia…

The incessant advice is potentially sorted… wait until it’s something like the laundry, then say “You’re the expert? You’ve just volunteered.” Hand over the reins and go and do something more interesting. If he follows you, send him back to finish the task.

WonderingWanda · 01/09/2024 15:23

Stop doing what he tells you for a start. If you get in the bus and chose a seat and he doesn't like let him move and say "I'm happy here thanks". It he comments on your washing technique plonk it down in front if him and "Here you, you clearly want to be in control of this and I have better things to do anyway". If you are going out pack your own bag and let him pack his own if he tries to interfere with what you are putting in your bag then tell him to fuck off and get his own bag.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 01/09/2024 15:34

My mum used to do this. We asked her to stop a few times, it didn't work.

So me and my brother made a note of every single time she did it for a week, we got to over 200 occasions by the end of 7 days. We presented it to her with an ultimatum. We weren't enjoying spending time with her any more, so if it didn't stop we'd be cutting right back on how often we saw her.

Somehow she then managed to get a handle on it?

Ilovelurchers · 01/09/2024 15:36

Mine can be a bit like this - washing up is a good example actually - he has frequently told me how I wash up "wrong", how to do it better etc. Even demonstrating it to me in this ridiculously patronising way. Really fucking annoying - makes my blood boil a little just remembering him doing that.

Things got to a head a few months back - we were rowing quite a bit - and we decided to work on improving our relationship as we do still love each other. This advice/criticism thing is one of a number of things I asked him to work on (I agreed to work on some things about myself too - not saying I am perfect by any means!) and he has been a fair bit better since and things are now going really well I would say, after some effort from both of us.

Your husband possibly doesn't realise how irritating it is, and may indeed think he is being helpful - all I can suggest is that you need to try to make it very clear to him that it is upsetting and controlling behaviour and has to stop, and then every time he starts doing it, point this out to him....

If he understands how much it upsets you and still can't be bothered to work on it, then unfortunately that does say something about how he views you.... But hopefully this is not the case. Good luck - you have my full sympathy!

invisiblecat · 01/09/2024 16:37

It's a 'Boss telling Subordinate Underling how to do the job his way' situation, isn't it?

Except he's not your boss, is he?

Original poster

DaphneDahlia · 01/09/2024 16:40

So this lunch time was interesting. I was cooking eggs for me and unbeknown to me he turned the heat down. He does this frequently when I'm cooking then I return to the hob expecting the food to be cooked and find its not because he has turned the heat down 🤬.

He could tell I was pissed off. Then followed a disagreement on how high the heat needs to be. I avoided him for about an hour then he approached me and said he will no longer interfere with my cooking or washing up. So let's see how that goes

OP posts:

Original poster

DaphneDahlia · 01/09/2024 16:43

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 01/09/2024 15:34

My mum used to do this. We asked her to stop a few times, it didn't work.

So me and my brother made a note of every single time she did it for a week, we got to over 200 occasions by the end of 7 days. We presented it to her with an ultimatum. We weren't enjoying spending time with her any more, so if it didn't stop we'd be cutting right back on how often we saw her.

Somehow she then managed to get a handle on it?

This is interesting. I'll bank this idea

OP posts:

MadeleineLucyMaxwell · 01/09/2024 17:10

DaphneDahlia · 01/09/2024 16:40

So this lunch time was interesting. I was cooking eggs for me and unbeknown to me he turned the heat down. He does this frequently when I'm cooking then I return to the hob expecting the food to be cooked and find its not because he has turned the heat down 🤬.

He could tell I was pissed off. Then followed a disagreement on how high the heat needs to be. I avoided him for about an hour then he approached me and said he will no longer interfere with my cooking or washing up. So let's see how that goes

What's he up to now? If he's watching TV turn the volume down, if he's cooking turn the heat up. If he's doing nothing just shout 'HEY DH WHAT ARE YOU DOING'

Then tell him you think the TV should be quieter the heat should be higher and conversations need to be louder and obviously what you think trumps whatever he's doing as that's how it works the other way around apparently

InSpainTheRain · 01/09/2024 17:54

I offer my advice on how I handled my DH criticising my driving. I noticed that he'd become really critical, if he didn't directly criticise he would warn me by saying "There is a horse ahead" or similar. I realised it was sapping my confidence. I drive regularly, passed my test first time when I was a teenager, I'm now 61 and have had 1 minor bump in that time when I was at uni in my 20s, I don't get pipped up or anything. So I think I'm pretty good, and certainly I don't warrant the level of constant criticism. As it was sapping my confidence I told him really sincerely (when we weren't in the car) that it had to stop. But he didn't.

I therefore booked myself a holiday for 10 days in Iceland and I hired a car and did the drive round the "ring road" whole of Iceland. The day after I'd booked it I drove into town, he decided to come with me. There were 4 criticisms on the short trip. When we got back I calmly told him that I was going to book myself on a holiday. It was a driving holiday, and he wasn't welcome. He didn't believe me of course - but I'd already done it.

I had my trip - loved it! really recommend it to anyone. I kept in touch whilst I was away, was completely "normal" when I got back. Did not carry on the argument or anything. He has never criticised my driving again. Just a thought if you want to think of something similar.

HoppityBun · 01/09/2024 17:57

InSpainTheRain · 01/09/2024 17:54

I offer my advice on how I handled my DH criticising my driving. I noticed that he'd become really critical, if he didn't directly criticise he would warn me by saying "There is a horse ahead" or similar. I realised it was sapping my confidence. I drive regularly, passed my test first time when I was a teenager, I'm now 61 and have had 1 minor bump in that time when I was at uni in my 20s, I don't get pipped up or anything. So I think I'm pretty good, and certainly I don't warrant the level of constant criticism. As it was sapping my confidence I told him really sincerely (when we weren't in the car) that it had to stop. But he didn't.

I therefore booked myself a holiday for 10 days in Iceland and I hired a car and did the drive round the "ring road" whole of Iceland. The day after I'd booked it I drove into town, he decided to come with me. There were 4 criticisms on the short trip. When we got back I calmly told him that I was going to book myself on a holiday. It was a driving holiday, and he wasn't welcome. He didn't believe me of course - but I'd already done it.

I had my trip - loved it! really recommend it to anyone. I kept in touch whilst I was away, was completely "normal" when I got back. Did not carry on the argument or anything. He has never criticised my driving again. Just a thought if you want to think of something similar.

I’ve had rather a depressing day and this has cheered me up no end

HoppityBun · 01/09/2024 17:58

DaphneDahlia · 01/09/2024 16:40

So this lunch time was interesting. I was cooking eggs for me and unbeknown to me he turned the heat down. He does this frequently when I'm cooking then I return to the hob expecting the food to be cooked and find its not because he has turned the heat down 🤬.

He could tell I was pissed off. Then followed a disagreement on how high the heat needs to be. I avoided him for about an hour then he approached me and said he will no longer interfere with my cooking or washing up. So let's see how that goes

He will no longer interfere with the washing up? He should be doing the washing up

AbbieLexie · 01/09/2024 18:12

@InSpainTheRain You’re a love love love - thank you

Original poster

DaphneDahlia · 01/09/2024 19:23

InSpainTheRain · 01/09/2024 17:54

I offer my advice on how I handled my DH criticising my driving. I noticed that he'd become really critical, if he didn't directly criticise he would warn me by saying "There is a horse ahead" or similar. I realised it was sapping my confidence. I drive regularly, passed my test first time when I was a teenager, I'm now 61 and have had 1 minor bump in that time when I was at uni in my 20s, I don't get pipped up or anything. So I think I'm pretty good, and certainly I don't warrant the level of constant criticism. As it was sapping my confidence I told him really sincerely (when we weren't in the car) that it had to stop. But he didn't.

I therefore booked myself a holiday for 10 days in Iceland and I hired a car and did the drive round the "ring road" whole of Iceland. The day after I'd booked it I drove into town, he decided to come with me. There were 4 criticisms on the short trip. When we got back I calmly told him that I was going to book myself on a holiday. It was a driving holiday, and he wasn't welcome. He didn't believe me of course - but I'd already done it.

I had my trip - loved it! really recommend it to anyone. I kept in touch whilst I was away, was completely "normal" when I got back. Did not carry on the argument or anything. He has never criticised my driving again. Just a thought if you want to think of something similar.

This is fabulous

OP posts:

Original poster

DaphneDahlia · 01/09/2024 19:24

@MadeleineLucyMaxwell. This is great. I should turn the TV up or down

OP posts:

Perplexed20 · 01/09/2024 19:27

Do it to him? All of the time. Tell him you're helping.
When he gets it, stop.

Lucy25 · 01/09/2024 19:51

DaphneDahlia · 31/08/2024 21:23

When we are with friends he is good fun and comical

Show quote history

That makes it even worse, because it’s Jekyll and Hyde personality.I have experienced this too with my dad, who always criticised, moody, argumentative with family but with friends really nice, to the point of being over the top friendly.It caused many problems, but as a family we put up with it.OP, l understand you’ve been together a long time, however life is too short to put up with this it’s not fair on you, he will continue with this behaviour, if something doesn’t change.

tinytemper66 · 01/09/2024 19:52

And you are with this prick because?

Aquamarine1029 · 01/09/2024 20:01

You do have to take some responsibility for allowing him to control you. He isn't your boss.

Earlier today we got on a bus and I waited to be instructed where to sit, because it's easier that way as whatever seats I choose will be 'wrong'.

Why wait for him to tell you where to sit? You're only empowering his bullshit. Choose your seat, and if he makes a comment, look him square in the eye and tell him this is where you are sitting. He is free to sit somewhere else.

I have given up packing a bag when we go out for the day as he will unpack and pack it again. So what's the point in me doing it?

Again, you've given him all the power. From now on, you pack a bag just for you. He can pack his own bloody bag.

You've relenquished far too much control. From now on, do not give him an inch when he is trying to take over and micromanage you, and tell him to keep his wealth of information to himself. Unless you change your responses, this situation will not improve.

Original poster

DaphneDahlia · 01/09/2024 20:19

Aquamarine1029 · 01/09/2024 20:01

You do have to take some responsibility for allowing him to control you. He isn't your boss.

Earlier today we got on a bus and I waited to be instructed where to sit, because it's easier that way as whatever seats I choose will be 'wrong'.

Why wait for him to tell you where to sit? You're only empowering his bullshit. Choose your seat, and if he makes a comment, look him square in the eye and tell him this is where you are sitting. He is free to sit somewhere else.

I have given up packing a bag when we go out for the day as he will unpack and pack it again. So what's the point in me doing it?

Again, you've given him all the power. From now on, you pack a bag just for you. He can pack his own bloody bag.

You've relenquished far too much control. From now on, do not give him an inch when he is trying to take over and micromanage you, and tell him to keep his wealth of information to himself. Unless you change your responses, this situation will not improve.

Yes you're right that he will continue as long as I go along with it

OP posts:

ABirdsEyeView · 01/09/2024 21:17

The thing is, once you start modifying your own behaviour to account for his control and criticism, the damage is already done. He's made it clear he's in charge! The bus thing illustrates this.
When he turned down the hob and you say he could tell you were pissed off, did you actually ask thin what the fuck is he playing at, or did you just get quiet and a bit huffy? Because if it's the latter, that's you again moderating your responses/behaviour on account of him.
It's not a little irritant, it has the potential to be a big deal.