I am having an affair and I don't know where to go now

[GirlNextDoor2024]

As the title says really. I'm prepared to get a bashing. I have no close friends or family I can talk to about this. I've found myself in quite a unique and horrible situation.

I have a partner and we have been together five years, we are not married, we have a 2yo toddler together. We do not own our home but is a joint tenancy and private rented.

Things have not been great for me for sometime. I've been unhappy and miserable since at least the birth of my son and as time has gone on I feel things have only got worse. I do not work and am a SAHM, I rely financially on my partner. This was not my choice. I did briefly return to work after maternity leave and he thought it would be better if I stayed home due to childcare, looking after the house etc.

My partner had always been lazy around th house but more so now, he won't lift a finger, expects me to do all house chores, washing, shopping, cleaning etc all the childcare. He refus s to spend proper time with DS and when he does some disaster always occurs to the point I don't trust him to look after him. Sex is non existent. He always shoots me down when I instigate it, he will however demand oral and get grumpy if I don't oblige. I suppose I've just been feeling like a maid or like his mother.

He has no regard for my feelings whatsoever, several lads holidays a year, nights out every month, weekends away etc all without even consulting me. I just felt unimportant. If I question him he throws it in my face that I don't work and it's his money so he can do that what he wants, id be nothing without him etc.

Anyway, about two months ago i started an affair with a male friend. It started as a friendship but had now turned extremely physical and emotional, we are very attached to each other and spend whatever time we can together along with our children. (My partner knows this person but I would not not they are friends) AP still lives with his ex partner although they are separated and just co inhabiting (I know this to be true because I also know her well, again I would not say we are best friends though). This man is much more suited to me, we have loads in common and get on extremely well. We've been making plans to leave together as soon as we can, although it's hard for me because I have zero financial independence.

I feel terrible and I know I what I am doing is wrong. I know I can't possibly love my partner anymore to be behaving like this. He is the longest relationship I've ever had and I'm terrified of going into something new. I also know that my partner would b devastated if he knew what's really happening. I tried to end it with my partner last week, I told him I wasn't happy anymore and I didn't think we were compatible anymore. I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth. He was very upset and cried and begged me to give him another chance and work on our relationship. This was only after he said if I wanted to break up then I would have to be the one to leave the house and I have no money, no friends and no family and no where to go so I reluctantly agreed to his suggestion of fixing things. However, my heart just isn't in it now.

I'm not sure what to do and it's eating me up inside. I feel awful, I feel like a horrible person. Also, I truly feel like I may be falling for AP and he says he is for me but I'm not sure if I was to actually leave my partner that he would stick with the fact he wants to be with me. I don't really know where to turn and just looking for some advice I guess. Although I know I'll get an absolute roasting. Just trying to get something off my chest I guess.

End the affair, consult a lawyer and leave your partner. Focus on you and your child and get comfortable in your own skin.

For what it's worth your partner sounds like a total bellend.

The issue here is not being with your affair partner, it’s needing to leave your partner. You’re behaving despicably but your partner is a prick, and so is your affair partner for what he’s doing. You need to leave and learn how to live life on your own two feet, not jumping from one shit partner to another in the hopes the next will support you

Oh dear! Affairs destroy many lives, you need to tell him the truth(surely he deserves that) then YOU need to be financially stable so you can take care of yourself and your child,because he probably won't support you when he knows the truth(and you can't fault him for that) as you said you tried to end it and he was devastated now he's got a world of hurt coming his way very soon!

End both relationships, find childcare, return to work, live independently and raise your boundaries before you embark with someone else. Good luck.

Your partner is vile and don’t fall for his bullshit lies about how he will change. He just wants his maid and cock sucker to stay around. Of course he does. This arrangement has been great for him.

Find a way to leave him and then work towards getting your financial independence back.

Continue seeing the man you like, if you want to. But make sure you build up your ability to financially support yourself. Don’t repeat the mistake of being financially dependent on a man.

Oh dear, what a mess. You’re all part of the same friendship group? The fallout is going to be horrible. You might think that leaving your partner and setting up home with your other man will solve all your troubles but believe me, it won’t.

Initiate a separation, live as a single woman, sort out co-parenting, find a job, and then see how things work out with the other man.

Honestly, you partner sounds awful. But then it’s quite common for people having affairs to make their partner into the villain.

Stop acting like you have no choices. You are in this position because you made a series of choices. So make different ones and prepare to leave your partner. Get yourself sorted, concentrate on your child and building a new life with them as the priority. You don’t need a relationship. And certainly not with a man who isn’t far enough down the road of separation to even be living apart from his ex, but is shagging her friend.

If you take too long, there’s a good chance it will all come out and cause upset in many peoples lives, as it appears you all know eachother. That could be disastrous for all I loved but especially you

wether you have to leave the house or not will all depend on the set up. Whose house it is, do you own it? Own it together? Rent? And so on.

You need to leave your partner and get yourself straight. Exit affairs are a thing and sometimes give you the confidence boost you need, but you need to find yourself rather than jump straight into something else.

You definitely need to get out though.

I think you need to totally separate your affair and the relationship with your partner in your head for the time being.

Concentrate on asking yourself whether you want to stay in a relationship with someone who treats you like dirt, doesn't lift a finger around the house, is a useless dad, and sulks if you don't suck his dick when he demands it. You need to decide what to do about that relationship first. I know what I'd do.

Are you looking for your AP to take long term responsibility for you financially? sounds like you're lurching from one idiot to another.

How about taking responsibility for your own life.

You need to get a job and start working. That's the priority because when the shit hits the fan you're potentially looking at homelessness when the tenancy ends. You have no independent income coming in and renting using benefits is extremely hard.

So give your head a wobble, stop playing with fire and get a job. Then you will have choices and control over your own life.

Getting your affairs (financial and housing) in order and focusing on your child is your first move.
For what it’s worth your partner sounds like a total prat so yes LTB but not for AP but for you and your child.

good luck

I know it’s easier said than done sometimes but you really need to focus on regaining your financial freedom and finding a place of your own, so you can leave your current bad relationship.

I mean your partner is horrible and not a partner. He sounds abusive tbh, no wonder he cried. He’s got it good with treating you like shit. Is there a way you can get financial freedom? Sort out how to separate as the first store and then you can keep dating new guy.

You spend time with your affair partner while you're children with with you???

Come on OP, you know this is an awful thing to do. Have some self respect.

Also, your partner sounds like a dick.

Yes, I know it sounds bad. The children know each other from associated activities, playgroups etc.

I just want to make it clear that whilst I rely financially at the moment on my partner, this wasn't my choice, I feel like I was bullied into leaving my job b cause my partner did not want to pay for childcare and refuses to do his share.

OP the three paras justifying your affair are pointless and embarrassing for you. You leave one relationship before embarking on the next.

Get a job and sort yourself out so you can leave.

So now you know that you need to get back into work to get out of the situation. Even part time work, using the free childcare hours.

That's your first step instead of worrying about having an affair. You owe it to your son to stand on your own two feet and get him out of the situation.

if you don't get back into work then the situation is going to be a whole worse once the cat is out of the bag.

You’re shagging the other man while your child is there? Isn’t the child likely to tell daddy about mummy’s special friend?

You’re playing with fire.

Not shagging while my child is there, we take th children to places together but this isn't unusual behaviour. Any intimacy is never in front of the children and only when children are in bed etc at night or early mornings.

Playing happy families with the AP while both of you are living with the children’s actual parent is the sickest thing I’ve ever read on here.

And that’s saying something because there was an incest post earlier.

End both relationships, get a job, get ducks in a row financially and leave. Spend significant time & effort focusing on yourself before you even think of starting another relationship.

And at the very least stop taking your child with you to spend time with your affair partner. Can you quite imagine how horrific you’d feel if your partner was taking the child to spend time with someone he was shagging behind your back?

You are giving men way too much power. You have to (absolutely have to!) get yourself back into work, make sure you have a deposit to put down on an apartment, get your child into childcare and make sure you can stand on your own two feet. Don't you and your partner have a joint account? If so, make the payments for the nursery/child minder from there. You cannot afford to be reliant on any man when you are not married. You are entitled to nothing except child maintenance.

100% this. Affair issue aside, I’ve never seen anything quite like this. Horrendous.

I just want to make clear and I know it does not make it right, this person is a friend, we are in the same friendship group and we often (even before the affair started) will take the children out together on days out or activities etc. It's not unusual behaviour and has been happening for as long as we have known each other. Which is about two years, the children are a few years apart. My partner knows that we take th children out and vice versa.