I am having an affair and I don't know where to go now

[GirlNextDoor2024]

As the title says really. I'm prepared to get a bashing. I have no close friends or family I can talk to about this. I've found myself in quite a unique and horrible situation.

I have a partner and we have been together five years, we are not married, we have a 2yo toddler together. We do not own our home but is a joint tenancy and private rented.

Things have not been great for me for sometime. I've been unhappy and miserable since at least the birth of my son and as time has gone on I feel things have only got worse. I do not work and am a SAHM, I rely financially on my partner. This was not my choice. I did briefly return to work after maternity leave and he thought it would be better if I stayed home due to childcare, looking after the house etc.

My partner had always been lazy around th house but more so now, he won't lift a finger, expects me to do all house chores, washing, shopping, cleaning etc all the childcare. He refus s to spend proper time with DS and when he does some disaster always occurs to the point I don't trust him to look after him. Sex is non existent. He always shoots me down when I instigate it, he will however demand oral and get grumpy if I don't oblige. I suppose I've just been feeling like a maid or like his mother.

He has no regard for my feelings whatsoever, several lads holidays a year, nights out every month, weekends away etc all without even consulting me. I just felt unimportant. If I question him he throws it in my face that I don't work and it's his money so he can do that what he wants, id be nothing without him etc.

Anyway, about two months ago i started an affair with a male friend. It started as a friendship but had now turned extremely physical and emotional, we are very attached to each other and spend whatever time we can together along with our children. (My partner knows this person but I would not not they are friends) AP still lives with his ex partner although they are separated and just co inhabiting (I know this to be true because I also know her well, again I would not say we are best friends though). This man is much more suited to me, we have loads in common and get on extremely well. We've been making plans to leave together as soon as we can, although it's hard for me because I have zero financial independence.

I feel terrible and I know I what I am doing is wrong. I know I can't possibly love my partner anymore to be behaving like this. He is the longest relationship I've ever had and I'm terrified of going into something new. I also know that my partner would b devastated if he knew what's really happening. I tried to end it with my partner last week, I told him I wasn't happy anymore and I didn't think we were compatible anymore. I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth. He was very upset and cried and begged me to give him another chance and work on our relationship. This was only after he said if I wanted to break up then I would have to be the one to leave the house and I have no money, no friends and no family and no where to go so I reluctantly agreed to his suggestion of fixing things. However, my heart just isn't in it now.

I'm not sure what to do and it's eating me up inside. I feel awful, I feel like a horrible person. Also, I truly feel like I may be falling for AP and he says he is for me but I'm not sure if I was to actually leave my partner that he would stick with the fact he wants to be with me. I don't really know where to turn and just looking for some advice I guess. Although I know I'll get an absolute roasting. Just trying to get something off my chest I guess.

"we are very attached to each other and spend whatever time we can together along with our children"

Now this part I don't agree with. Why include your children in this set up? How confusing it must be for them.

That doesn't make it any better..

You claim your partner is horrible but this is just as bad to be honest. You are manipulating a long standing situation to conduct an affair in plain site.

Get a job and get on your feet financially.

You did have a choice to stop working.

You are living with someone you don't love. And who treats you awfully. You don't seem to have any self respect.

You are having an affair with someone who is in your social circle. And his ex is a friend too.

You and your DS meet up with him and his DC.

You shag the affair partner (of 2 months) while the DC are in bed. Unforgivable.

You've talked about leaving your partners for each other.

You think you might be falling for him.

Wow.

OP, wake up. Take some responsibility for yourself. There's no way this is going to stay secret for long. Then the shit will really hit the fan.

Find a job, leave your partner, leave your affair partner.

Leave your husband, but not for this man. Leave because it’s the right thing to do and your marriage is as good as over.

Stop contact with AP. Sort out your head (affairs are basically addictions), sort out your finances and navigate your way through the divorce, focussing on what is best for your DC.

If after all that, you and AP still want to give it a go then do it, but do it legitimately and without the thrill of escapism. This is the only way you’ll know the connection is as real and as strong as you think it is.

Yep, but your partner doesn’t know you’re shagging him. If he did you know full well he would NOT be happy for his child to be around that, and neither would you the other way round.

Stop justifying. Block affair partner, get a job and some money behind you and end your relationship.

So you fuck another man with your kids in the house.🤮
Your partner is a total knob but your behaviour is bonkers. The way to deal with a crap partner is to leave. Recognize that you are merely infatuated with this other man. A genuine love would involve respecting each other too much to stoop to disgusting behavior like shagging while your kids are there sleeping.

OP, if you were to leave today, would you have anywhere to go? Family you could stay with?

I actually feel really sad for those poor kids 😞

Trusting that they're in a safe secure space whilst the adults sneak off to shag. That's an awful thought.

They're basically being used to conduct an affair. Imagine if a bloke had posted this!

Literally no where. I could t stay with my parents, they are elderly and 100 miles away. They don't have space for me and DS. I have no family or friends close by. I relocated 100 miles north when I fell pregnant with my DS, before DS came along me and my partner were long distance.

Where is your husband at night and early mornings when you are home with your children (who you say are in bed) and your AP? How big is your home? How can you do this, literally aside from morally. You must have lost your mind - has your marriage impacted your mental health this much?

I don't think this is real.

Is your DC eligible for free childcare?
Getting back to work has to be your first priority I think. Feeling that you have some money behind you and are becoming more independent will do wonders for your mental health.

It's definitely real. I would not post if it were not. My partner is at work and works unsociable hours. AP does actually live close by as well.

I feel like I've lost my mind.

As a couple we are not eligible for free child care. If I were to be single I would be eligible for 15 hours.

So are you going to start looking for a job OP?

Whatever you do about AP, you obviously need to leave your partner. Look up online what universal credit you would be entitled to as a single mum. You need to claim now, find somewhere to live and leave. If you’re scared of DP then don’t tell him until you’ve left. You will obviously need to get a job, childcare sorted etc. But all that will be easier once you’re living independently.

Yes, I've already been looking despite partner not being keen.

I also receive a disability benefit due to a physical health condition so this does impact the jobs I can actually do now. Though I was a former HCP.

People are being very judgemental to OP here. She’s clearly got herself into a pickle and knows she needs to sort it out which is why she came here for advice. Sometimes people marry or have kids with the wrong person and sometimes the right person comes along at the absolute worst time. Yes ideally you’d have been single when you met this other chap but that’s not the way it went. If I were you, I’d get a job. Leave feckless boyfriend and get yourself set up on your own whilst prioritising your child during the transition. Then when things are settled and you’re single, you can start to date the other guy. For now though put a stop to the affair, if he waits for you to sort everything out then you can give it a go

Agree with others OP your DP is shit but AP doesn't seem much better.

You need to get a job and leave, you don't need anyones permission and you haven't been out of the workforce so long that it should be an issue to get back into work.

Speak to womens aid that you want to leave your partner but you will be made homeless, hopefully they can signpost you to help since you have a 2 year old. Xx

Good luck OP but don't jump from the frying pan into the fire with affair drama, it sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. X

Good. Keep going

But for God's sake, do better as a mother. You cannot use your child like this to conduct an affair. Seriously, you are letting your son down very badly by behaving like this.

Take steps towards independence and regain your dignity. Don't be in a situation where you are caught by your partner having a grubby affair with a neighbour and him telling your son all about it when he's older. Because that could very likely happen if you keep playing with fire.

You need to find work, childcare and you need to get your head in one place. What you do about the AP is almost secondary now, but you shouldn't bring him into the marital home and definitely not with kids there. I think you should urgently go to your GP and seek counseling or find some real life support to start rebuilding your life.

Really meant kindly. Make it priority.

While he's grafting to put a roof over your head?

After reading 📚 all that I've no sympathy for your partner he sounds like a real turd

I agree, stop shagging the other man and stop playing happy families with your children. Your kids (his and yours) are going to be confused enough. Find a job, get somewhere to live and then perhaps you and your affair partner can live happily ever after - although that’s doubtful because you’re in the same friendship group and people are not going to be happy.

No judgment.
You should leave your partner regardless.
Since you're leaving him anyway, you could keep communication open with this guy you're infatuated with. He is no longer with his wife and if it's a real connection and not just a delusion then who knows what the future might hold for you two. Why close it down.

Leave, become independent, stay in touch with lover man but don't rely on him or move too fast. Focus on yourself, your child and your career - happiness (and hopefully real love, maybe not with this man) will follow.

Stop the affair, and clear the decks so you can make some good decisions. Stop letting men run the show, or you will leap from one shitpile to the next and drag your DC with you.

You're going to need to stand financially on your own two feet if you don't want to remain reliant on your current partner, or the next one, and leave yourself open to the same dynamic developing again. Your quandry is as much practical as it is emotional, but if you take your shagging glasses off for a bit so you can use your brain again that will help you move forward.