I am having an affair and I don't know where to go now

[GirlNextDoor2024]

As the title says really. I'm prepared to get a bashing. I have no close friends or family I can talk to about this. I've found myself in quite a unique and horrible situation.

I have a partner and we have been together five years, we are not married, we have a 2yo toddler together. We do not own our home but is a joint tenancy and private rented.

Things have not been great for me for sometime. I've been unhappy and miserable since at least the birth of my son and as time has gone on I feel things have only got worse. I do not work and am a SAHM, I rely financially on my partner. This was not my choice. I did briefly return to work after maternity leave and he thought it would be better if I stayed home due to childcare, looking after the house etc.

My partner had always been lazy around th house but more so now, he won't lift a finger, expects me to do all house chores, washing, shopping, cleaning etc all the childcare. He refus s to spend proper time with DS and when he does some disaster always occurs to the point I don't trust him to look after him. Sex is non existent. He always shoots me down when I instigate it, he will however demand oral and get grumpy if I don't oblige. I suppose I've just been feeling like a maid or like his mother.

He has no regard for my feelings whatsoever, several lads holidays a year, nights out every month, weekends away etc all without even consulting me. I just felt unimportant. If I question him he throws it in my face that I don't work and it's his money so he can do that what he wants, id be nothing without him etc.

Anyway, about two months ago i started an affair with a male friend. It started as a friendship but had now turned extremely physical and emotional, we are very attached to each other and spend whatever time we can together along with our children. (My partner knows this person but I would not not they are friends) AP still lives with his ex partner although they are separated and just co inhabiting (I know this to be true because I also know her well, again I would not say we are best friends though). This man is much more suited to me, we have loads in common and get on extremely well. We've been making plans to leave together as soon as we can, although it's hard for me because I have zero financial independence.

I feel terrible and I know I what I am doing is wrong. I know I can't possibly love my partner anymore to be behaving like this. He is the longest relationship I've ever had and I'm terrified of going into something new. I also know that my partner would b devastated if he knew what's really happening. I tried to end it with my partner last week, I told him I wasn't happy anymore and I didn't think we were compatible anymore. I couldn't bring myself to tell him the truth. He was very upset and cried and begged me to give him another chance and work on our relationship. This was only after he said if I wanted to break up then I would have to be the one to leave the house and I have no money, no friends and no family and no where to go so I reluctantly agreed to his suggestion of fixing things. However, my heart just isn't in it now.

I'm not sure what to do and it's eating me up inside. I feel awful, I feel like a horrible person. Also, I truly feel like I may be falling for AP and he says he is for me but I'm not sure if I was to actually leave my partner that he would stick with the fact he wants to be with me. I don't really know where to turn and just looking for some advice I guess. Although I know I'll get an absolute roasting. Just trying to get something off my chest I guess.

Agree completely. It's depraved to use kids this way. Plus, OP may be swearing them to secrecy about how often the AP is there, otherwise her partner would find out. This forces kids to participate in lies. Horrid.

Tale as old as time.

"My partner is such a monster/bitch/psycho/awful person that I've been forced into the arms of another.
I'm completely innocent and none of this is my fault.

Just been a passenger in your own life have you?

You’ve gone online to lament about this. So clearly having an affair is not even making you happy. Why are you doing it? End it and if you can’t try to make it work with your partner, move on (and not with the AP).

I have no advice OP, as loads of people on here and posted good advice already. Please, please, stop the affair and focus on getting some independence!

You need a plan to get yourself out of this mess. Stop the affair, it's not going to go anywhere. Get yourself a job and get some legal advice. Make a plan to leave.

“Seas164 · Today 21:42
Stop the affair, and clear the decks so you can make some good decisions. Stop letting men run the show, or you will leap from one shitpile to the next and drag your DC with you.

You're going to need to stand financially on your own two feet if you don't want to remain reliant on your current partner, or the next one, and leave yourself open to the same dynamic developing again. Your quandry is as much practical as it is emotional, but if you take your shagging glasses off for a bit so you can use your brain again that will help you move forward.”

This with bells on. There’s something quite sordid about the fact you’re shagging this other man whilst your DCs are in the house. You’re acting like a passenger in your own life and the affair is going to be messing with your thinking and decision-making. Is there any chance of relocating back to where you lived before you got pregnant?

You sound lonely. My advice would be get a job and make a life for yourself. I wouldn’t leave one man for another. Ap might just seem a better option as it’s new. Spend time working on yourself.

If you’re doing all the childcare, chores, washing, shopping, cleaning etc then I’m impressed you’ve found the time and energy for all this shagging too.

@GirlNextDoor2024

First off, end the affair. I don't care how rotten your relationship is, cheating is wrong. End the affair so you can leave your relationship in (relative) honesty and with some dignity. You're also expending emotional energy that would be better spent on getting yourself OUT of your relationship (and you do need to get out). Your affair is just you trying to put a bandaid on your pain and unhappiness and it's not working, is it?

Obviously you need to get back into the workforce with an eye to a living wage. I understand you now have a disability, but does your education and/or training give you any 'transferable skills'? As an example, an RN with a bad back may never be able to work in a hospital ward, but she might possibly be able to review charts, answer a help line, or do health exams for a life insurance company. A teacher may not be able to handle the 8 to 10 hours a day in a classroom, but may be able to tutor or proctor and/or grade exams. So think hard first before you completely give up on your skills. And when you try to figure 'finances' remember that your DP will have to pay maintenance. Have you gone online and calculated what benefits you might be entitled to as a single parent?

You say your parents have 'no room'. How do you and they define 'room'? Do you define it as 2 bedrooms for you and your DC? 1 bedroom for you & DC to share? Sleeping on the sofa & DC in a travel cot? Desperate times call for desperate measures. Would your parents take you in if you told them how miserable you are and how your DP keeps you under his thumb? Obviously, I'm talking about temporarily moving home to get you out from under your DP's 'ways' and away from your AP. But if they can take you in, that might free you to actually get a job, become self supporting (with child maintenance) and find a little place of your own.

Getting out is especially important because your DP won't support your efforts to return to work and actually erects 'roadblocks' to keep you from it. You need to get out from under him so you can resume your career or embark on a new one.

For right now the first step (well, the second, the first is ending the affair) would be to see a solicitor. I know you aren't married, but you need to educate yourself as to how child access might work, any bars to relocating to your parent's, if you have any joint assets or finances how those might be divided, and what maintenance you might expect.

Bottom line, get your principles back, get your ducks in a row, and get out. NOT with an eye to getting together with your AP. Oh hell no! But getting out so you can stand on your own two feet and look yourself AND your child straight in the eye.

I think you need a job and to become independently firstly. Then leave your husband, keep seeing the other guy if you want but keep it casual. Focus on you. Don't make any decisions about this other guy until you are independent and give it at least a year. You might just think you like him because he's a safety net

I also know that my partner would b devastated if he knew what's really happening

No. He won't be. At least, not for long. He coerces you into oral sex and treats you like drudge while he goes off on his jollies.

Yours is one of the very cases where I have absolutely no judgement of you cheating, to be honest. I don't think you owe your vile partner anything.

But you do need to end the relationship with him. For your sake and for your child's.

Make a plan and we'll help.

If you need to, post again about how to leave him under a different username without mentioning the affair so that all you can focus on helpful replies.

First end the affair and go back to work. Split household chores 50/50. When you are in a better financial position end your relationship if it doesn't improve. Then you can start to get on with your life doing the things that improve your life and make you happy.

Telling him the truth while she's financially dependent is down right risky

@Itstimetoquit did you miss the bit where he coerces her into giving him blow jobs? He doesn't deserve sh*t.

I think your partner sounds awful but you should at least have had the decency to have ended the relationship and left him before starting an affair. It makes it even worse to be involving your children, as well as deceiving his wife as well, especially as you know her well. Your behaviour is disgraceful - your first priority should be to your child, not hopping into bed with the father of one of her friends at the first opportunity and potentially wrecking your friend's marriage! Try having a bit of respect for yourself and your child.

At least tell your DP about the afair. He can then make a decision based on the facts.

And double down on your contraception. Another baby is the lsst thing that is needed in this sorry mess.

Assuming the AP truly isn’t romantic w/his partner but men even good ones have been known to lie for sex.

Where do you see yourself in five years? Still living as a fuckmaid ( honestly, worse, a blowjob maid) with a man who disrespects you entirely? Dependent on a man who appears to hate you?

I can see how an affair started, you’re mismatched and starved for affection.
However obviously an affair isn’t the solution.

Get a job asap
Tell AP you’re going to work on yourself for the next 6-12 months, goal being financial independence then you can decide together if its worth pursuing a future together.
Do some thinking about your life and how you want it to be then how do you get to that life? Then start taking action to get there.

Don’t tip your hand to H, sorry but the way he behaves he doesn’t deserve to be warned that you’re planning to leave him in the next year or so, you’ve made it clear you need love and he’s not giving it. Fuck him and his tears, he will go back to his normal behaviors as soon as he thinks you’ve forgotten your own needs.

But you need to stop the affair, its not the answer and is just pulling you off task which is getting a job and leaving your crappy H behind where he belongs. The affair is a distraction, once you’ve left H you can decide about that but not yet you have other work to do alone. You can do it!

This. Don't be afraid of leaving a mistake simply because you have spent a long time making it. Start again, sort yourself out so you can think clearly. The affair is confusing things and making things more complicated. Don't rely on a partner to make you happy.

I know someone who was in an identical situation to you, The affair came out and it’s affected so much for them. They didn’t expect that (tbf a more dodgy situation than yours, yes that’s possible). They’ve gone through hell with the anger of others- me included - it was easy to predict in that situation but like you this person takes the role of passenger.

Please end the affair and take steps to become independent and leave. Your affair partner should do the same. If when you’re both single you still feel the pull only then restart it. Trust me going from one to another is too destructive of the relationships around you. If this man is your true love he will be waiting.

But you’ve got a lot to work on within yourself. Your husband sounds unpleasant, but you took choices to be with him, some reflection and healing is needed on that. Once you’re healed you’ll be able to work out whether this other man was just an escape route or whether there’s something proper there. In your relationship you’re very vulnerable to making another bad choice. Be aware of that before doing anything.

Above all put your child first. They’ve got no power in these situations and it’s not good being dragged from one man to another. Be mindful of that.

Not much mention of your child. How do you have the time for an affair?

My advice -
Put your child first

Get your own income

Try relationship counseling

End affair

End relationship if counseling doesn't help

Move to independent living, with your child as main focus of shared parenting.... and then after all this is done consider if your AP is someone you want to have a relationship with

Wondering how Op would feel if her Dp was snagging someone else in the group and using 'we do things together with the kids' as a cover for family days out with OW.

All while Op worked and financially supported the family. Already preparing the child for the 'new family' life they have planned out.

Excellent advice.

Are you even able to get a job, if your partner won't do childcare, or pay for it?
Do you think you can work the logistics?