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Original poster

Hasn't cut contact with work wife

60 replies

parker06 · 31/08/2024 09:46

A year ago my husband had a work wife which became an emotional affair, holding hands, declaring feelings, saying if I wasn't in his life they would be together. I almost ended things but with a declaration that they had kissed he left work started a fresh and swore he regretted everything. Since then we have moved homes still local and are talking about having a baby. However I've recently found out (looked through his phone, not something I'm proud off) that they still message a lot and he is trying to get her to join his new work. Would a baby save our marriage? I have no clue what to do anymore, he says he loves me and has no clue I've seen these messages!

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 31/08/2024 09:48

No. A baby never saves a marriage. A baby brings sleep deprivation, less freedom, more stress, more responsibility… he already has one foot out the door, a baby will only push him the rest of the way

solice84 · 31/08/2024 09:49

Absolutely not
Get a solicitor and start making moves to end this
100% do lot have a baby with this bastard

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2024 09:49

Would a baby save our marriage?

No but it might kill it stone dead.

Mumlaplomb · 31/08/2024 09:50

No a baby tests even strong relationships. He’s broken your trust repeatedly by continuing to speak to this lady and trying to get her to join his new work place. You deserve better.

usernother · 31/08/2024 09:50

He's a liar. Get out now and find someone who deserves you.

MILLYmo0se · 31/08/2024 09:51

Nope, it ll drive him into the arms of another woman (doesn't have to be her, he's so immature and self absorbed he ll take anyone by sounds of it) because you will be busy and exhausted and the big important man will need attention

ActualChips · 31/08/2024 09:54

I don't understand how anyone could think having a kid could 'save' a failed marriage?

Original poster
parker06 · 31/08/2024 09:56

Thanks for your replies. I think it's more that I'm desperate for a baby, I'm mid 30s, no children and been with husband for almost a decade. It feels like now if he runs off with her then my hopes of a child go with him. I know it's incredibly selfish but I'm feeling hopeless about it.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2024 09:57

Of course they don't. I met DH in my 30s and I'm looking at DD right now. If I'd had a baby with the wastrel I dated a while before him, my life would be shit right now.

Neverstophoping · 31/08/2024 10:01

I remember your previous thread about his work wife OP.

As pp have said please don't bring a baby into this. Babies can stretch even solid relationships to breaking point and I'm afraid I don't think yours is a solid relationship.

If he is indeed trying to get her to come and work with him again then it's safe to say he is still emotionally involved with her and no doubt if she does do this then things can only escalate.

He may say he loves you but he obviously has strong feelings for her.

You have the option of accepting a third person in your marriage or ending the marriage. I know which I'd chose.

Edited to say : sorry OP I've just seen your update. That's very difficult for you but I still think you are better to move on.

Newtt · 31/08/2024 10:02

parker06 · 31/08/2024 09:46

A year ago my husband had a work wife which became an emotional affair, holding hands, declaring feelings, saying if I wasn't in his life they would be together. I almost ended things but with a declaration that they had kissed he left work started a fresh and swore he regretted everything. Since then we have moved homes still local and are talking about having a baby. However I've recently found out (looked through his phone, not something I'm proud off) that they still message a lot and he is trying to get her to join his new work. Would a baby save our marriage? I have no clue what to do anymore, he says he loves me and has no clue I've seen these messages!

I hope you have screen shots of his messages as it will make the inevitable gas lighting and rewriting of history easy to rebuff and quicker to move forward from.

Please do not bring a child in to this.

I don't like the immediate jump to LTB, but your current situation if relatively easy to negotiate your way out of at present. You can then find a partner who doesn't treat you as the 'live in back-up' in case 'work wife' isn't really up for it in reality.

Please think what you would say to a friend if they were in your situation? Would you point out the realities of his behavior and try to make them remove their rose tinted glasses to see the reality of the relationship they in, not the one they are 'pretending / wishing' to currently be in.

He is messaging a woman who he left another job to remove himself from - how can you think this will work out well in the future?

You will always be wondering about him - if its not this woman, you will wonder if its someone else...

newleafontheplantjohn · 31/08/2024 10:04

God, I'm sorry OP.

He wants to be with her.

Let him.

A baby absolutely will not solve things, it will make things 1000 times harder.

Leave him to it. Move on. I'm so sorry xx

Neverstophoping · 31/08/2024 10:05

Is freezing your eggs an option you would consider? So that you you could still give yourself a chance of a child at a later date should your marriage end .

newleafontheplantjohn · 31/08/2024 10:06

parker06 · 31/08/2024 09:56

Thanks for your replies. I think it's more that I'm desperate for a baby, I'm mid 30s, no children and been with husband for almost a decade. It feels like now if he runs off with her then my hopes of a child go with him. I know it's incredibly selfish but I'm feeling hopeless about it.

Get rid and pour your energy into building a new life. If you really want a baby, pour your energy into finding a new man on the same wavelength.

Honestly, it's sunk cost fallacy to keep pouring more into this rather than cut your losses and move on.

turkeymuffin · 31/08/2024 10:25

parker06 · 31/08/2024 09:56

Thanks for your replies. I think it's more that I'm desperate for a baby, I'm mid 30s, no children and been with husband for almost a decade. It feels like now if he runs off with her then my hopes of a child go with him. I know it's incredibly selfish but I'm feeling hopeless about it.

A baby with him would be a bad idea

Dump him asap and find someone new

lemonstolemonade · 31/08/2024 10:55

Get rid. Honestly. I'd rather go alone than have to raise a baby with someone with one foot out of the door - fast forward a few years and you could be coparenting with this work wife. Is this what you want?!

solice84 · 31/08/2024 12:24

lemonstolemonade · 31/08/2024 10:55

Get rid. Honestly. I'd rather go alone than have to raise a baby with someone with one foot out of the door - fast forward a few years and you could be coparenting with this work wife. Is this what you want?!

I'd put money on it
And if not her it'll be some other woman he latches on to

SonicTheHodgeheg · 31/08/2024 12:28

Band aid babies don’t work.
You’ll have a baby but having a baby is stressful enough without relationship issues and will make his work wife even more interesting as she’s not the one asking him to get up at night, sort a dirty nappy or causing financial stress because she’s on leave.

feelingfree17 · 31/08/2024 12:45

Please don’t bring a baby in to this world with him. As wonderful as a new baby is, it brings a tremendous amount of stress with it, and even the strongest of couples are challenged. Also, further down the line you would no doubt be looking at a broken relationship and everything that goes with it both for you and your child. Devastating having to cope on your own and wave child off for weekends, holidays, nights away, where no doubt this other women would be part of your child’s up-bringing.
Get the ball rolling to set yourself free. You are still young and carefree at the moment with no child responsibilities and ties. I am sure you would soon meet a man to share such a joyous time of your life with, and one where you are not wondering what he is up to your whole married life.

BeachHutsAndDeckchairs · 31/08/2024 12:53

You checked his phone because you don't trust him. Don't have a baby, and maybe don't even stay in a relationship, with someone you don't trust.

5475878237NC · 31/08/2024 12:55

parker06 · 31/08/2024 09:56

Thanks for your replies. I think it's more that I'm desperate for a baby, I'm mid 30s, no children and been with husband for almost a decade. It feels like now if he runs off with her then my hopes of a child go with him. I know it's incredibly selfish but I'm feeling hopeless about it.

Start planning for having a baby through a sperm donor. And get divorced. You do not want to co-parent with someone you can't trust.

I totally get you don't want to miss out on motherhood. You don't have to.

InTheMiddleOfTheRoom · 31/08/2024 13:06

I would leave him.

You might meet someone else and have a baby and you might not. But you'll regret having a baby with him and being tied to them both for the rest of your life.

Babies don't save marriages.

DixonD · 31/08/2024 13:20

Neverstophoping · 31/08/2024 10:05

Is freezing your eggs an option you would consider? So that you you could still give yourself a chance of a child at a later date should your marriage end .

Edited

It would be a very slim chance. Best chances are to freeze before 30 and even then, the chances are slim.

Better to go it alone with donor sperm now.

Noseybookworm · 31/08/2024 13:36

Having a baby won't save your marriage. He's a cheat and a liar, why would you want that as the father of your child? Leave him and his work wife to it! You've got plenty of time to meet someone and have children, many women are well into their 40s so don't settle for a crap relationship because your body clock is ticking!

GladPlumBear · 31/08/2024 13:56

Why do you want to be with him when he wants to be with someone else?

And if it’s not that woman, it will be some other. He is not even hesitating lying to your face, he cares that little about you.

Let her have him, it’s likely he will do the same to her. Or she will do it to him. Who wants to live like that. If you had a baby you can bet your arse she will soon become pregnant too, and voilà, another complicated blended family!