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Original poster

Hasn't cut contact with work wife

60 replies

parker06 · 31/08/2024 09:46

A year ago my husband had a work wife which became an emotional affair, holding hands, declaring feelings, saying if I wasn't in his life they would be together. I almost ended things but with a declaration that they had kissed he left work started a fresh and swore he regretted everything. Since then we have moved homes still local and are talking about having a baby. However I've recently found out (looked through his phone, not something I'm proud off) that they still message a lot and he is trying to get her to join his new work. Would a baby save our marriage? I have no clue what to do anymore, he says he loves me and has no clue I've seen these messages!

OP posts:
Ferne88 · 31/08/2024 13:58

Do NOT have a baby with this man. Not fair on the child. It won’t end well.

DadJoke · 31/08/2024 14:06

It’s a terrible idea and you know it. Get him out as quickly as possible and move on. You need to separate your desire for a baby from your relationship with this cheating loser.

NewDogOwner · 31/08/2024 14:12

A baby would kill it. You will be fat then your body will change and will be tired and he cannot be a priority for you any more as your attention will be much more focused on the baby. She is right there waiting. Your marriage is already over. Accept it and leave before you being a baby into it and make it harder to leave.

User990 · 31/08/2024 14:16

Would you be happy as a single mother? If yes, then have a baby with him, if you are desperate for a baby but with acceptance that you might end up doing it alone. (also why would you want a cheating husband, but each to their own)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 31/08/2024 14:25

'Work wife//husband', ugh.

Don't have a baby with him, OP, divorce him.

GladPlumBear · 31/08/2024 14:31

Why do you let him treat you like dirt? He obviously thinks you are stupid enough to believe him. So does she. Embarrassing tbh. Stand up for yourself!

Was your dad treating your mum like dirt too? If you had a daughter, would you be happy for her to be treated like you are by her partner? Why don’t you think you are worth more?

EnjoyingTheSilence · 31/08/2024 14:32

Kick him out. Do not have a baby with him, you’re then tied to him for life.

feellikeanalien · 31/08/2024 14:39

Don't have a baby with him OP. As others have said it won't strengthen your relationship but will put more pressure on it. If you had a baby and then separated would you want to be a single parent or only see your child 50% of the time because he doesn't want to pay maintenance. Or know that when he has your child then the OW will probably be involved.

You see it so often on here how women have awful trouble with co-parenting with a useless ex. He is obviously still deceiving you and lying so what makes you think that a baby would change that except for the worse.

FatherConfesserTheGuesser · 31/08/2024 16:26

Please leave, leave today.

You gave him a chance, and he has ruined it. You won't be able to trust him again.

Don't waste anymore time.

Original poster
parker06 · 31/08/2024 16:35

Thank you all so much, you're advice is really useful. I know it was silly thinking with the baby. I never thought I'd stay with a cheater the first time around but here I am. I know I've been stupid but being alone and losing what I had worked for seemed too much to lose. I told him i saw the messages, he said I haven't been giving him the attention he needs, I've been working a lot, lots of blaming the work wife. Doesn't seem to accept any wrong doing at all himself. This is all the script right?

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 31/08/2024 16:39

usernother · 31/08/2024 09:50

He's a liar. Get out now and find someone who deserves you.

This. Don't waste your time on this loser!

glittercunt · 31/08/2024 16:55

Yeah he's giving you the script. Turning it round to be you that's the problem, not him. It's him. It's not the end of the world if you don't have HIS baby. You can have your eggs frozen, divorce him, find a decent guy and if having a baby naturally doesn't work, frozen eggs ahoy. You deserve so, so much better.

HoppityBun · 31/08/2024 16:57

Babies don’t save marriages

Hatty65 · 31/08/2024 17:06

Nothing will save your marriage,

Your DH doesn't want to enough. It's not enough that ONE of you is prepared to make an effort. Despite knowing you almost ended the marriage he is still in contact with the person he betrayed you with - and it was a betrayal - and is trying to persuade her to come work with him again.

He is prioritising his feelings for her over yours. I'd be filing for divorce now.

Thursdaygirl · 31/08/2024 17:21

My first husband had an OW.He promised to end it with her but he didn’t. I kept finding text messages between them. It was pointless. He ended up leaving me for her, but once she was no longer ‘forbidden fruit’ the gloss seemed to wear off and they soon parted.

Numsmetposter · 31/08/2024 17:23

I can understand what you're saying, but you'll have even less time for him when you have a baby, and if he leaves you for her, there's a chance the baby would have her as a stepmother. So they'd could be in your lives for a long time.

ncforthis2024 · 31/08/2024 17:56

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If you’ve seen some of my replies of other threads, you’ll know my situation is similar. Big hand hold during this shitty time.

In your previous posts, one of them states he left you over NYE a few years ago, was this before or after the start of the EA? That would make me highly suspicious that he is unable to fully commit to letting her go, and it sounds like her was going to ‘choose her’ but the got cold feet - perhaps because he didn’t ever really risk loosing her because he was still giving her little breadcrumbs of hope on the side (unbeknownst to you).

Im at ‘first discovery’ of what on the face of it seems like an EA with ‘work wife’ but have found nudes, letters etc. What a mess.

You are strong OP. You’ve had this niggling away at you for a while and you don’t have to put up with his frank deceit anymore ❤️

Mum2Fergus · 31/08/2024 18:19

A baby will absolutely not save your marriage...you can however save yourself and move on from him as soon as circumstances allow and then look to your future.

LilacRaven · 31/08/2024 18:27

parker06 · 31/08/2024 16:35

Thank you all so much, you're advice is really useful. I know it was silly thinking with the baby. I never thought I'd stay with a cheater the first time around but here I am. I know I've been stupid but being alone and losing what I had worked for seemed too much to lose. I told him i saw the messages, he said I haven't been giving him the attention he needs, I've been working a lot, lots of blaming the work wife. Doesn't seem to accept any wrong doing at all himself. This is all the script right?

If you're not giving him the attention he needs NOW imagine what it will be like when your pregnant, just given birth and then have a baby at your side 24/7.

Beaverbridge · 31/08/2024 18:29

He, ll always be drawn to her. He's already paving the way with not getting enough attention chat. Sorry it's a horrible situstion to be in.

Mumlaplomb · 31/08/2024 19:54

I feel for you with wanting a baby and panicking that if you leave him you won’t get one. However I have met many mums at my child’s nursery and school, and have several friends who have had babies in their early forties. If you left your husband you could find a much nicer man and have a baby. It’s a leap of faith but you could be much happier in afew years x

SwanSong1 · 31/08/2024 19:56

More fool you for staying. A baby is not a bandaid to fix a failing relationship. Cut your losses now and leave him.

BirthdayRainbow · 31/08/2024 19:59

No no no no no

Do not have a baby to try and save your marriage. Can't you see how unfair and frankly ridiculous that is?!

Not a fool for staying at all but this is the time for some stern words. He clearly can't give her up. Time for you to give him up. He's not fully yours. Sorry.

BirthdayRainbow · 31/08/2024 20:02

How embarrassing that he can't take responsibility for his own actions. How can you look him in the face?

Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. Kick him out. Even if just for tonight. Give him a bloody shock. Idiot.

solice84 · 31/08/2024 20:22

I hate all this 'work wife' and 'work husband' bullshit
Anyone calling each other that is having at least an emotional affair .