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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hasn't cut contact with work wife

60 replies

parker06 · 31/08/2024 09:46

A year ago my husband had a work wife which became an emotional affair, holding hands, declaring feelings, saying if I wasn't in his life they would be together. I almost ended things but with a declaration that they had kissed he left work started a fresh and swore he regretted everything. Since then we have moved homes still local and are talking about having a baby. However I've recently found out (looked through his phone, not something I'm proud off) that they still message a lot and he is trying to get her to join his new work. Would a baby save our marriage? I have no clue what to do anymore, he says he loves me and has no clue I've seen these messages!

OP posts:

simpledeer · 31/08/2024 20:24

The sooner you dump this wanker, the sooner you can get cracking with someone who actually values you and will be a good partner and father.

This bloke is driven by his own huge ego. No room for anything else.

Please don’t let him waste any more of your valuable time.

BESTAUNTB · 31/08/2024 20:32

If you get rid of him now you could be seriously dating someone great by this time next year and at 36 you’d still be able to conceive a child a year or so after that.

Not if you allow him to string you along for another few years though until he decides to finish with you, which he is likely to do. You’re young but not that young.

XChrome · 31/08/2024 22:07

OMG, no! A thousand times no. A baby will make it worse. You'll be tied down to this loser and because you have to pay so much attention to the baby, he will use this as an excuse for being with other women. Leave while it's still relatively easy.

I 'm also willing to bet he did more than just kiss her. They usually have.

XChrome · 31/08/2024 22:09

parker06 · 31/08/2024 09:56

Thanks for your replies. I think it's more that I'm desperate for a baby, I'm mid 30s, no children and been with husband for almost a decade. It feels like now if he runs off with her then my hopes of a child go with him. I know it's incredibly selfish but I'm feeling hopeless about it.

Mid thirties? You have plenty of time to meet somebody who values you and who would make a good father. This is not the guy. So don't waste any more time.

XChrome · 31/08/2024 22:11

"he said I haven't been giving him the attention he needs, I've been working a lot, lots of blaming the work wife. Doesn't seem to accept any wrong doing at all himself. This is all the script right?"

100%. Cheaterspeak 101.

MayaPinion · 31/08/2024 22:16

In this situation having a baby is like throwing a bomb into a burning building. He clearly has no intention of ending things with her so you may as well cut your losses. You deserve better.

Cheesecakelunch · 31/08/2024 22:21

Oh my goodness no a baby will not solve your marriage. He's not committed to you or you marriage. Take the option of leaving scot free whilst you can. You know having a baby will forever keep you connected to him whether you stay married to him or not.

Trust me when I say, do not have a baby when you are already not sure about your marriage.

MsDogLady · 01/09/2024 06:28

@parker06, I participated in your other thread and have wondered about you.

I am dismayed that your H is still in contact with the OW, as this means their affair is ongoing. He continues to be ‘in infidelity,’ and you’ve been in a false reconciliation. You should be disgusted and enraged that he is blaming you for his faithless behaviour and unethical choices.

I recall the sequence and escalation of their EA. They became close and he was jealous when she spoke to other male colleagues. They subsequently acknowledged wanting to be together, had ‘a moment’ of intense gazing, and then held hands while she walked home with him. He insisted that there was no other physical involvement, not even kissing, but from what you’re reporting, they did kiss at some point [and I would assume more]. He quit that job, but has continued frequent contact with OW and is encouraging her to move to his workplace.

He clearly has zero remorse for his transgressions. He’s still an entitled, self-serving cheat who has no respect or empathy for you. You would be beyond foolish to bring a baby into this toxic, damaging environment.

It’s time to definitively end the marriage, @parker06.

IWillBeWaxingAnOwl · 01/09/2024 07:13

One of my friends had a relationship end in a similar way when she was 34. She had a baby 3 years later by sperm donation. You still have options.

Your "D"H is a liar. How weak a person does he have to be to return to messaging an affair partner because she messaged him and he's feeling a bit emotionally neglected 🙄

NancyJoan · 01/09/2024 07:17

End things now. Bluntly, if you want to have a child, you don’t have time to hang around to see if things will improve.

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