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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to be "nice" to STBXH who had affair for sake of DCs

65 replies

Mensuckbigtime · 30/08/2024 21:38

Hey everyone
Have posted before
Please be kind, I am struggling.
STBXH left 1.5 years ago when DD were 1.5 and 3.5.

We'd been together for nearly 20 years, married for 10.

Soon after he left I found out he'd been having an affair with a former colleague who I've met a few times. OW met DC 4 months after I found out, has now moved in to the old family apartment and the children spend quite a bit of time with her.

I'm doing my best to make this as " easy" as possible for my DC- I don't badmouth their DF or the OW, I even met the OW for coffee to show the DD that Mama and Daddy's new girlfriend are fine with each other (this was the hardest thing I've ever done).

At handovers my STBXH always urges me to make small talk and chit chat so the DD can see we are on good terms. Sometimes we have small disagreements in front of them (as we never see each other otherwise), nut nothing major

I tend to open the door and say my goodbyes to DDs and close the door.

I can't seem to physically say "hello" to my ex or look at him.

I can't explain it. Maybe it's because he's hurt me so much and the trauma continues ad I keep having to see him, hear about OW and their fabulous life together.

I loved this man and now I have no idea what to say to him anymore and I am so upset, hurt, disappointed (and many other emotions).

My eldest DD had wanted to spend her birthday with both parents, I invited STBXH over to my place, he refused to come.

DD also told me that she wants us to interact when we see eachother and I just don't know how to do that (and I know I "just" need to open my mouth...).

I spend half of my life with that man and everything I had with him is now gone and I don't know how to navigate this new relationships, especially since finding out about the affair.

I know I will have to somehow forge a new relationship with him for mu children's sake, but HOW do I do that???

In no other scenario, would I ever still have contact with my husband whose cheated on me let alone hear about his mistress a lot...

For anyone whose walked the mile - how did you do it???

How?

Thanks so much for any advice!!!

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright3 · 30/08/2024 21:43

I honestly think you are approaching this by not been a little bit more direct with Dd .

I would say to her Mum and Dad aren’t together now - we do things separately - we both love you but we do things separately now ..

ignore the chit chat … ok thanks .. bye .. take back the power

Justmuddlingalong · 30/08/2024 21:46

At handovers my STBXH always urges me to make small talk and chit chat so the DD can see we are on good terms.
How the hell does he get to urge you to do anything?
You act exactly as you please. Be civil, but say and do nothing unless it what you want.
He shat on you and your kids from a great height, so doesn't get to call the shots to salve his guilty arse.

PercyGherkin · 30/08/2024 21:51

Agree with everyone else. He wants you to pretend you are fine with everything for his own benefit, and the girls are too young to even remember you together really, let alone call the shots about how you behave (and given she won’t properly remember when you were a couple, I would be suspicious that dad is pulling the strings there too). Obviously don’t start a war and don’t badmouth him to the girls, but the doing things separately but we both love you line above is perfect.

PercyGherkin · 30/08/2024 21:53

And if he urges you to make chit chat I would be very tempted to remind him that he caused you great hurt and has no right to expect anything of you.

RareLemur · 30/08/2024 21:55

You don't need to do chit chat, you don't need to have coffee with OW, or have events together. By all means be civil and co parent but the other stuff is not needed and will confuse your children more if it breeds resentment, simmering with tension and is not sustainable. Children have to get used that "Mummy and Daddy do things separately now but we both love you".

SauviGone · 30/08/2024 21:57

DD also told me that she wants us to interact when we see eachother

Your 4 or 5 year old said this? Nah, not buying that. Someone has put words in her mouth.

Of course he wants chit chat. It suits his narrative that he's really not a bad guy and look you're over it already because look, there you are, having coffee with the OW (insane!) and being fine and chatty with him. Who the fuck convinced you that you needed to meet the OW to show your DC that Mama and Daddy's new girlfriend are fine with each other. Your DD doesn't need to see you and her together at all.

Stop letting him call the shots.

Treesnbirds · 30/08/2024 22:19

I just want to send you a massive hug. Honestly I've thought about this situation a lot over the years as it's what happened to my friend and it honestly feels like the cruellest thing.

To have to accept the unexpected loss of your relationship, AND then that new relationship, AND that your kids spend time with her AND act completely fine about it feels like the most fucking ridiculously unreasonable request I've ever heard.

Wish I could be more help, I'm
Sure you'll get good advice here.

Sending strength and love and remember your life will blossom again in time. ♥️

fourelementary · 30/08/2024 22:21

You don’t need to. Your children don’t need you to.

Floralnomad · 30/08/2024 22:25

You don’t need to be his friend , you need to be civil and explain to your children in an age appropriate way that mummy and daddy love them but that is all .

ItsTimeFor · 30/08/2024 22:29

I’m going to go against the grain here, I’ve been in your shoes & do interact with DH & OW. I also chat with the DC about their Dad & OW when it comes up naturally. It’s been gradual over time but now we sit together as a 3 at things for the kids. I can’t say it’s been easy and the chat is usually about the kids and any practicalities but it shows the DC that we can all get along. My DC don’t seem to have been impacted so much by the separation as some friends DC and I do think this has helped. I see it that I’m doing it for my DC and not for ex or OW.

TheCryingTheBitchAndTheFloordrobe · 30/08/2024 22:29

Your ex is manipulating you massively here OP, and he's using your DC to do it. It's grim.

You don't have to chat to him or meet her or do anything that doesn't prioritize your DC and your mental health. Stop putting his wishes above your own. He is not more important than you.

Mumof2namechange · 30/08/2024 22:29

If it goes against instinct, it's probably not a good idea.

Kids aren't daft. They'll see pretty easily "why is mummy pretending to be happy about xyz when she's not?" So don't bother, just keep interaction minimal

Noseybookworm · 30/08/2024 22:33

I don't think you have to be friendly with him and chit chat or have coffee with his girlfriend - you just have to be civil and not argue in front of your little ones. Concentrate on chatting to them at handover with a breezy 'have a lovely time with daddy' and get it done as quick as possible. You don't have to like him or think nice thoughts about him. Go and have a few drinks with your friends while he's got the children and have a good old bitch about him and get it off your chest! It works wonders 😂 overall, don't expect too much of yourself, you're human and he's treated you badly. Being polite is good enough for now.

TeachesOfPeaches · 30/08/2024 22:45

I don't understand why you're having coffee with OW? You do not have to be okay with this nonsense. Why all this effort to make ex look good?

InevitableNameChanger · 30/08/2024 22:47

You don't have to be besties. As others have said, children aren't daft and they will pick up on your feelings.

Also - instead of discussing practicalities at the doorstep just sort them through messaging. It's nicer for the children too .

SonicTheHodgeheg · 30/08/2024 22:53

You are being massively gaslit.

It’s ok to be polite and not friendly. As long as you’re not outwardly unfriendly, treat your ex like a business relationship. Answer questions efficiently, use please and thank you and decline invitations for coffee.

Chit chat is for friends and being friendly with someone who has shat on you is setting a bad example for your kids. You don’t want them growing up and thinking that they have to be friendly towards someone who has been a massive dick. They will know about the affair one day and won’t remember that you had a cuppa with your ex’s mistress when they were 4 and 5.

Most co-parents are living like this ime. They are neither friends nor enemies - polite and efficient with information, questions and answers.

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 30/08/2024 23:12

Thanks for all your input.

I'm still figuring all of this out and don't know what the "best" way of doing it is

On the one hand, I don't want all.of this to.impact all of this my children more than it already does- older DD still tells me she wants us to be a family again

At the same time, I agree with you guys- what STBXH is expecting of me is insane.

He keeps telling me that we need to prioritise the children (fair enough) and.be good role models and all, but it all seems so unfair.

I wonder how often he was prioritising our children while he was snagging the OW....

And now I'm supposed to pick up the pieces and be " civil" and all.

Usually when I see him, I just don't say anything to him unless he needs to know something about the girls.
I wish the DDs a good time with their dad and close the door.

STBXH was joking to me about how complicated divorces are in this country (.we are not in the UK) and it was such a slap in the face that he jokes to me about something that had been so painful for our children, myself and my family (my brother can't sleep at night at times because he's so upset about the affair)

STBXH seems to have no idea about how much he's hurt me and yet again expects me.to.be wonder woman and just deal with all of this whilst being polite and chatty foe our children's sake

It is a mind fuck indeed

OP posts:
Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 30/08/2024 23:18

TeachesOfPeaches · 30/08/2024 22:45

I don't understand why you're having coffee with OW? You do not have to be okay with this nonsense. Why all this effort to make ex look good?

I wanted to meet OW as she was spending so much time with my children and to make the girls feel.like it's ok for them.to talk to me.about her

And to change the narrative that I'm.sure he's presented to her of.me being a lunatic ex wife...

Probably sounds weird but I'm glad I did it
She cried when she saw me...

OP posts:
Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 30/08/2024 23:29

ItsTimeFor · 30/08/2024 22:29

I’m going to go against the grain here, I’ve been in your shoes & do interact with DH & OW. I also chat with the DC about their Dad & OW when it comes up naturally. It’s been gradual over time but now we sit together as a 3 at things for the kids. I can’t say it’s been easy and the chat is usually about the kids and any practicalities but it shows the DC that we can all get along. My DC don’t seem to have been impacted so much by the separation as some friends DC and I do think this has helped. I see it that I’m doing it for my DC and not for ex or OW.

Thanks for your input!!!

How did you get to the place where you could interact with both your ex and the OW if you don't mind me asking?

Thanks!

OP posts:
DifficultBloodyWoman · 30/08/2024 23:29

Don’t be nice. You don’t have to be.

Just don’t be rude.

Treat the lying cheating bastard as you would that wanker from work that you don’t like but you still need to work with. No chit chat, just professional.

That is all he deserves.

Other posters have mentioned it and I agree - he is gaslighting you so he can be the nice guy.

TheCryingTheBitchAndTheFloordrobe · 30/08/2024 23:36

ExH is really leading you around by your nose here, OP.

There is zero reason for you to be discussing anything with him except logistics for the divorce and the DC.

I get you wanting to meet the OW but you don’t need to give a flying fuck what she thinks of you and you don’t need to think about her at all. I know this is easier said than done but that’s what you need to be working towards.

You need to work on treating him like he’s a client who you’re not overly fond of, yet have to be professional towards, and that’s IT. No coffee or chatting or joking about him being a bastarding cheat who imploded your marriage. Your boundaries need to be firmer with him, with OW and with your DC. You need to be clear to your DD that you are separate now and you’re not getting back together.

IntrepidCat · 30/08/2024 23:44

No, neither your ex or your children get to dictate how you behave. That’s for you to have control over. Yes, I would recommend being civil and polite but nothing more than that.

Explain to your children how things will be at pick ups, drop offs, birthdays, Christmases etc and stick with it.

Then take up boxing for the time your children are with him.

Iloveburgerswaymorethanishould · 30/08/2024 23:47

He wants you to appear happy for “show”. So he can say “My ex is fine now, she even met new Mrs for coffee and they chat loads at drops offs…..” That way he’s justifying his awful behaviour towards you like it’s all water under the bridge. Do whatever is best for you and your girls. He lost all rights to make demands the moment he thought with his man brain (aka cock).

Time is a massive healer and one day you’ll have the last laugh. Chin up, tits out!!!💐💐💐💐

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 30/08/2024 23:49

Mensuckbigtime · 30/08/2024 23:12

Thanks for all your input.

I'm still figuring all of this out and don't know what the "best" way of doing it is

On the one hand, I don't want all.of this to.impact all of this my children more than it already does- older DD still tells me she wants us to be a family again

At the same time, I agree with you guys- what STBXH is expecting of me is insane.

He keeps telling me that we need to prioritise the children (fair enough) and.be good role models and all, but it all seems so unfair.

I wonder how often he was prioritising our children while he was snagging the OW....

And now I'm supposed to pick up the pieces and be " civil" and all.

Usually when I see him, I just don't say anything to him unless he needs to know something about the girls.
I wish the DDs a good time with their dad and close the door.

STBXH was joking to me about how complicated divorces are in this country (.we are not in the UK) and it was such a slap in the face that he jokes to me about something that had been so painful for our children, myself and my family (my brother can't sleep at night at times because he's so upset about the affair)

STBXH seems to have no idea about how much he's hurt me and yet again expects me.to.be wonder woman and just deal with all of this whilst being polite and chatty foe our children's sake

It is a mind fuck indeed

I'm sorry but this was painful to read

Don't be so bloody weak

Did he prioritise his daughters when he got his dick wet in that bitch?

When he answers that then you can chat more.

Original poster
Mensuckbigtime · 31/08/2024 00:00

Thanks again for all your input.

Weirdly I thought people would tell me that yes, I should work towards having a " friendlier" relationship with STBXH.

I thought I'd found my anger, but maybe I haven't.

STBXH does get it from me via text messaging (so not in front of DD), and tells me I'm being "abusive" and that he's kept record of all my abusive messages (I have called him a c* on a few occasions)

OP posts: