How to be "nice" to STBXH who had affair for sake of DCs

[Mensuckbigtime]

Hey everyone
Have posted before
Please be kind, I am struggling.
STBXH left 1.5 years ago when DD were 1.5 and 3.5.

We'd been together for nearly 20 years, married for 10.

Soon after he left I found out he'd been having an affair with a former colleague who I've met a few times. OW met DC 4 months after I found out, has now moved in to the old family apartment and the children spend quite a bit of time with her.

I'm doing my best to make this as " easy" as possible for my DC- I don't badmouth their DF or the OW, I even met the OW for coffee to show the DD that Mama and Daddy's new girlfriend are fine with each other (this was the hardest thing I've ever done).

At handovers my STBXH always urges me to make small talk and chit chat so the DD can see we are on good terms. Sometimes we have small disagreements in front of them (as we never see each other otherwise), nut nothing major

I tend to open the door and say my goodbyes to DDs and close the door.

I can't seem to physically say "hello" to my ex or look at him.

I can't explain it. Maybe it's because he's hurt me so much and the trauma continues ad I keep having to see him, hear about OW and their fabulous life together.

I loved this man and now I have no idea what to say to him anymore and I am so upset, hurt, disappointed (and many other emotions).

My eldest DD had wanted to spend her birthday with both parents, I invited STBXH over to my place, he refused to come.

DD also told me that she wants us to interact when we see eachother and I just don't know how to do that (and I know I "just" need to open my mouth...).

I spend half of my life with that man and everything I had with him is now gone and I don't know how to navigate this new relationships, especially since finding out about the affair.

I know I will have to somehow forge a new relationship with him for mu children's sake, but HOW do I do that???

In no other scenario, would I ever still have contact with my husband whose cheated on me let alone hear about his mistress a lot...

For anyone whose walked the mile - how did you do it???

How?

Thanks so much for any advice!!!

@Mensuckbigtime id say your stbxh is infinitely more abusive by having an affair, moving her into what was your home, having his affair partner have so much to do with your dc, and on top of that having the nerve to tell you what you must do/meet her/chat/be nice etc etc. He is one CF. And all in the guise of ‘best for the doc’. Nauseating creature.

Agree with PP about your ex trying to change the narrative and make himself look less shitty. I was in a similar position several years ago but there was no way I was going to be friendly with OW. Keep things business-like and professional when dealing with your ex, and stay detached and impersonal. I found that really helped make interactions less triggering. You’ll get there too, it just takes time (you’ll get there faster if you have firmer boundaries).

One thing I would highly recommend is that you change the way handovers are done - instead of him collecting the kids, you drop them off. That way, particularly as they get older, you have close to zero interaction since you just drop and run. No need to chitchat while waiting for the kids to put their shoes on or whatever. And when he drops them off you can shut the door once they’re in the house.

Trying to be friends with people who hurt you is a mistake. You're going to suffer cognitive dissonance from it and you've put yourself in the orbit of toxic people. The kids don't need you to be friendly, they only need you to be civil, polite and not screaming at each other.
This is just your ex controlling you so he can do image management. You see, if you act like you, ex, and OW are friends, it tells people that what they did was not so bad. That's what they want. You are doing free public relations work for them.
Step out of this mindfuck. Start being cool and impersonal with these two manipulative creeps. No lunches with OW or chit chat with either one of them. You talk only about practicalities regarding the kids. Do not listen to your ex whining that you have to be friendly for the sake of the kids. It's a lie and it's not about the kids. It's for his and OW's benefit only. Just say you refuse to be his image enhancement manager and let him work the meaning out for himself.
Look up grey rock technique for dealing with manipulation like this.

I have no advice, but I admire you putting your DCs first rather than putting your own feelings first. It's a pity more parents don't do this for their children

Call him a cunt in person if at all. He may be keeping those records to try and prove you are an unfit mother. It most likely won't work, but don't take any chances.
Don't discuss anything personal with him at all. You will heal a lot faster that way. Someday you will be indifferent to the bastard. That's the goal.

The DCs benefit from having a happy DM. Forcing yourself to be civil, let alone friends, is not making you happy. Do what is best for you.

@Mensuckbigtime

hes keeping all the messages. 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't know what he thinks that will do?!

hes manipulating you himself & via the girls, stop allowing it.

tell him (via message) that you dont 'play nice' with cheating cunts who shit on you & your children, so the pair of them can fuck off. He collects the girls & drops them home. Beyond DD2 had calpol at 8M type stuff you don't need to speak to the cheating cunt. If he wanted to be 'friendly' he should have kept his dick in his pants. Not in her.

tell him if he keeps upsetting the girls, you will take it back to court

yell DD that Faddy loves them, but he doesn't love you anymore. He's chosen to love OW instead & so, you will never be living together again, but you're both her family.

say you understand she wants to all live together, & you're sorry that's not going to happen, that mummies always love their children & you'll never stop loving her. but adults do sometimes stop loving each other & love someone else instead.

you don't have to chit chat with him at all.

look after your girls & yourself. He can fuck off with expecting you to be in his ego fan club

Your kids are still young, and there is a lot to be said for making them fell comfortable with what’s going on in their lives. If you were yelling and bad mouthing each other that obviously wouldn’t be best for them, even if it was understandable.

You have been hurt, badly. I don’t think there is anything wrong with your kids discerning a bit of that. When they are older do you want them to think that their Dad did something pretty low to their Mum and their Mum just let him pretend that it hadn’t happened or do you want them to think that their Mum did what was best for them, but didn’t just let him off the hook for what he did and ignore her own feelings.

Let your relationship with your ex evolve naturally into whatever it ends up being. You still have two fantastic kids in common, but it doesn’t need to be more than that if it makes you miserable. Take the pressure off.

Start by being a lot more honest with your DC. Daddy hurt me and I don't want to be his friend any more. Always answer their questions honestly. Followed with the "we both love you" stuff.

Stop feeding into his narrative.

On the one hand, I don't want all.of this to.impact all of this my children more than it already does- older DD still tells me she wants us to be a family again

I think you need to tell her honestly that her dad doesn't want that, it's really upsetting to you but there's no going back because he's chosen a new woman.

I would tell him that if he wanted you to be happy to see him he should have been faithful and not broken your heart.

Then keep minimally civil when you see him. There's nothing wrong with showing normal emotions in front of kids. Just let yourself grieve then start moving on. Stop taking instructions from your ex, he's the one who destroyed your kids family life.

I applaud you. I seriously do. That takes huge strength and will. You have done totally everything in your power to focus on your children's needs before your own. I would imagine that what you wanted to do yourself is to tell them both to "get lost" out of your life...I respect what you did instead. 🌸

I think the tip to drop DC off rather than have them collected is really sensible.

Your brain and body are telling you something. Listen to them!

It can be helpful with these very emotional situations to see yourself as playing a role - put yourself outside the situation a bit. Like a work task - you have to get two children from A to B with their stuff and pass on any necessary messages. What's the most effective way to do that?

Thanks everyone
I think I will take your advice and just go with the flow, MY flow.

I am.not ready to even pretend to have a " friendly" relationship with my ex, so I won't do it

I don't yell at him in front of the kids, I don't badmouth him and OW, I think I'm doing ok.

And yes, I feel manipulated and his notion of him expecting the impossible from.me is something I felt.pressured to do in our marriage- I feel like he's been manipulative for a very long time!

Thanks for making me see this!

I will also try and get to a point where I can speak to him.like I can to my next door neighbour, not for him, not for OW, but for myself!

Indifference is what I'm aiming for!

This 💯

I’m so glad you’ve listened to the advice on here. I am all for age appropriate honesty and modelling boundaries.

I would not lie to my children by pretending I am ok with nasty underhand behaviour and pretending to get on with someone who has hurt me.

He has manipulated you for way too long.

You owe them absolutely nothing. Reduce ‘friendly’ contact for your own mental health and prioritise yourself and your children.

First off I think you are doing a marvellous job. Give yourself a hug and be kind to yourself. What an awful situation you have been put in and the fact you can even get up and to the front door for pick up is a huge testament to your strength.

Second. Don't put in writing anything you wouldn't say to his face or want reading out in public. Keep it very civilised but frank and by email if you can when it comes to anything to with children, finance, houses and so on.

Third, get legal advice. I am assume this is in place already given the timescales but if not do this now.

Then: It is absolutely OK to be honest with your children in an age appropriate way which does not harm their future relationship. They will find out sooner or later and better to start now so they hear it from you than someone else. There are some good suggestions in previous posts to mull over. I agree with the suggestion of you doing drop off if you can. He has hurt you and taking back control of your own life and building your future needs to be your focus now.

Fourth, while telling your ex that he has hurt you and that he can't expect you to play nice may feel cathartic I would consider whether this could be used against you at some point in the future. He sounds terribly manipulative and is asking you to play nicely so that he has an easy ride of it. Set your boundaries to what you want and need them to be but remember you don't need to justify or explain why to him. "Sorry, I have just taken up a new yoga class on xxx day so I will drop the kids at you on my way over..." sounds so much more empowered than "I don't like our current arrangement it causes me anxiety and so I will drop the kids off on xxxx". In other words find "healthy" reasons to do things your way!

Finally, talk to someone who is qualified to help you through this bereavement/betrayal. It will eat you up if you don't and you are worth so much more than that.

Big hugs

You guys are amazing

Thanks so much

I got a lawyer the day he ended our marriage!
First thing I did and we've been going through lawyers ever since.

STBXH keeps having a go at me for using lawyers and it's costing him.so much money and he can't afford Christmas presents for the girls...

but he has.money to fly on holiday with OW.

God, he's so awful!

Ive started seeing a therapist!

😀

I decided that holding the anger in me and making handovers awkward was going to impact me more than him. That I needed to left go and get on with my life so I could work on being happy again rather than being bitter.

I also took the line of ‘keep your friends close and your enemies closer’. As we have a (mostly) smooth coparenting relationship, I think I usually can get things to go my way. To be honest I probably had an incentive as I rely on the money he gives me and his flexibility on when he has the DC so maybe I did it as I didn’t feel I had a choice.

This is going to sound strange but I also think by speaking to them and the DC and spending a bit of time with them that I can see their relationship isn’t perfect which means I’m not jealous of them.

I do think it helps the DC if it’s amicable. My DC certainly seem to be happy, doing well in school, and have a good relationship with me, ExH & OW.

Honestly, you have been traumatised and it is hard to think straight when you’re trying to balance caring for your children while so deeply hurt but I learnt very quickly that it isn’t healthy for your babies or yourself to demonstrate to them that you ignore your own mental health and emotional distress to appease other people, particularly ones that have wronged you. This is just not good modelling of healthy behaviour.

Children need to learn that they have a right to their boundaries and feelings and they learn that from you.

Your children and you will clearly survive and thrive as you are such a wonderful thoughtful mum.

Sorry OP, did I read this right? ExH wants you to make small talk at his house but refuses to come to yours for DD birthday? Says it all really

"He keeps telling me that we need to prioritise the children (fair enough) and.be good role models and all, but it all seems so unfair.

I wonder how often he was prioritising our children while he was snagging the OW...."

OP I would be reminding him of this 🤷‍♀️

You don’t really owe him any civility. It’s a control thing - he wants you to behave in a certain way to make him feel better about what he has done. Chit chat is also a way he can find out information about your life which he has no right to.
It is also fine for the DC to know you have separate lives now.
The interactions you have with him should be limited to practicalities and these can be done by text. Move handovers to a neutral location if it helps.
You have got quite a few years to go before the DC are old enough to get themselves back and forth, so you do need a strategy that works for you, on your terms.

So your eldest is 6.
A 6 year old doesn’t get to dictate how you behave, neither does your cheating ex.
I would not be having chit chat with him.
You need to model to your dd that cheated on women do not roll over and submit.
By all means don’t bad mouth him.
However, you need to tell your dd that mum and dad are no longer together.
What happens when you get another partner. Don’t set yourself up for your dd not accepting that. The way things are going your ex and dd will make it hard for you to move on.
Ignore what your ex wants, he doesn’t get to tell you anything.
You need to model a strong, independent model to your dds, not sone schmuck who lets men shit all over them.
You are doing a great job by the way.
Start and think about yourself now.
Do what is best for you. Your ex certainly hasn’t given you any consideration.

Thing is your children obviously want you to be together. Based on a very small sample size (me), every time you see your awful ex, the DC are hoping you'll fall back in love and it'll all be happy families again. You know that's not going to happen, but they watch Disney.
Equally, they know you - not the surface chit chat, they know the tension in your body and the tone you use when you're upset and hiding it. So don't - I genuinely think it's better for children to have honestly.
You're doing amazingly well with this, but don't let him manipulate you. He sounds like a waste of space.