How to be "nice" to STBXH who had affair for sake of DCs

[Mensuckbigtime]

Hey everyone
Have posted before
Please be kind, I am struggling.
STBXH left 1.5 years ago when DD were 1.5 and 3.5.

We'd been together for nearly 20 years, married for 10.

Soon after he left I found out he'd been having an affair with a former colleague who I've met a few times. OW met DC 4 months after I found out, has now moved in to the old family apartment and the children spend quite a bit of time with her.

I'm doing my best to make this as " easy" as possible for my DC- I don't badmouth their DF or the OW, I even met the OW for coffee to show the DD that Mama and Daddy's new girlfriend are fine with each other (this was the hardest thing I've ever done).

At handovers my STBXH always urges me to make small talk and chit chat so the DD can see we are on good terms. Sometimes we have small disagreements in front of them (as we never see each other otherwise), nut nothing major

I tend to open the door and say my goodbyes to DDs and close the door.

I can't seem to physically say "hello" to my ex or look at him.

I can't explain it. Maybe it's because he's hurt me so much and the trauma continues ad I keep having to see him, hear about OW and their fabulous life together.

I loved this man and now I have no idea what to say to him anymore and I am so upset, hurt, disappointed (and many other emotions).

My eldest DD had wanted to spend her birthday with both parents, I invited STBXH over to my place, he refused to come.

DD also told me that she wants us to interact when we see eachother and I just don't know how to do that (and I know I "just" need to open my mouth...).

I spend half of my life with that man and everything I had with him is now gone and I don't know how to navigate this new relationships, especially since finding out about the affair.

I know I will have to somehow forge a new relationship with him for mu children's sake, but HOW do I do that???

In no other scenario, would I ever still have contact with my husband whose cheated on me let alone hear about his mistress a lot...

For anyone whose walked the mile - how did you do it???

How?

Thanks so much for any advice!!!

Nope.

dh was in an almost identical situation. Young kids, wife shagging someone else. She asked Dh to stay with his parents for a couple of days “for space” and moved om in.

he tried for a couple of years. Tried to believe she was a good mum and work with her for the kids. She wouldn’t allow him in his own house to pick up his clothes, yet she insisted she be allowed in his mums where her was living cos they were doing it for the kids.

eventually though the anger won and he saw she wasn’t a good mum or she wouldn’t have done what she did.

he stopped trying to be nice. Communication over text about the kids only.

he still says they get on fine now he doesn’t talk to her 😂

as pp said, it’s abusive. It’s control. In dh’s ex’s case it was “look how we get on, I didn’t do anything wrong”- effectively justification for an affair.

Hi. My XH left for OW 7 years ago. Our marriage was already dead by then anyway so l think l found it an easier transition.

My DS were also older - 14yrs and 10 years which had it's positives and negatives.

They also knew of her and had met her as she was XH running/biking partner.

The first couple of years were rather unpleasant as we sorted out the financial aspects of the divorce (he really thought he was going to keep all his pension, redundancy and the house....silly silly man) as we had been married 15years. He also found it quite an adjustment that l didn't do "wife work" anymore and he was expected to sort clothing, holiday childcare etc when they were with him. I did have many a chuckle about it 😁.

We now all get on absolutely fine. We probably get on better now then when we were married as we are both happy.

I think that's the difference though... l wasn't bitter when he left as l had been so miserable anyway....so actually it was a relief.

They are now married and she has been a positive to my boys lives... morally we are worlds apart as l would never have done what she did with a married man, but she has really helped with the boys (or men as they are now!) - especially the eldest who has discibilities and so needs extra care.

It's very early days for you - especially if you were still happy and in love when he left so there is no rush to be best buddies with him and her. It will hopefully naturally develop as time passes.

Make sure he does as much as should for the children as you.need to develop your own independent life too. I actually really enjoyed my EOW when the boys went to their dad as l discovered who l was again independent of being a wife and mum.

He keeps telling me that we need to prioritise the children (fair enough) and.be good role models and all, but it all seems so unfair.

He hardly prioritised the children when he had an affair did he? And what kind of role model was he, breaking up the family like that?!

Im absolutely raging on your behalf. How dare he dictate how you should behave after behaving so abominably.

I do think the interactions will get easier over time, but on your terms not his. Your world got torn apart and he wants to act all pleasant like everything is normal and he’s a good guy. What a dick.

‘In dh’s ex’s case it was “look how we get on, I didn’t do anything wrong”- effectively justification for an affair.’

This is such a good point. I honestly think a lot of cheats do this. They use the betrayed’s shock initially (and this old fashioned view that we should shut up and behave for everyone else’s benefit) to manipulate a situation where they can lie to themselves and others that ‘everyone gets on so well because it was right for all of us’.

There is absolutely no way I would ever support this narrative.

I would argue that you are doing the right thing so far.

Remember: the best revenge is to live well. He is never going to see that he did a bad thing. Why would he? It’s all worked out for him. You screaming, shouting, raging at him is just going to confirm his choice for him.

I would say that you should carry on the way you are but do two things;

1. Get some therapy. You need to release all your feelings about this so you can move on.

2. Start doing things for yourself that don’t I volve the kids in the time when they are with their dad. Take your mind off the fact they are with him and her the best you can. It will be hard to begin with but eventually you’ll have a new life.

And one day, probably not very soon, you’ll be fabulous again and in control of your own life, with proper boundaries and a great relationship with your kids and you’ll have won. Because he didn’t beat you down with his wankerish arseholerly.

Absolutely this every chance you get.

He is utter scum.
Manipulative scum.

You are amazing OP, really amazing.
I cannot imagine how hard all this must be.
Many women would be planning his funeral.

"He keeps telling me that we need to prioritise the children (fair enough) and.be good role models and all, but it all seems so unfair."

This bit stood out to me. Because pretending it didn't hurt when it did, and denying emotions isn't the kind of role modelling I would want for my children.
If one of their friends deliberately broke their favourite toy would you allow them to be upset or expect them to forgive without even an apology and carry on as if it had never happened?

I'd want to model that sometimes someone can do something that really hurts you, and it's okay to be upset. It is fine not to be their friend again.

He just can't cope with being "the bad guy" and sounds basically spoilt.

Totally agree.

He wants you to act like it didn't happen because that's more comfortable for him.

But children aren't daft.

And you are allowed to feel the way you feel and protect yourself.

I am not saying start yelling at him all the time , but don't let him make you feel you have to pretend to all get along really well either. Civility and politeness is sufficient. And you can be swift at the doorstep and deal with anything else in messages

He breaks up your life by cheating and now because you won't buy into his narrative of happy ending, you're the bad person? Not buying that and neither should you. Be civil, be polite in front of the children but otherwise take back yourself and put him behind you.

Much healthier to admit to your child when they ask you this that you loved Daddy for a long time and you are still trying to get used to everything than put on a rictus grin and deny your feelings. You wouldn't want your daughter to do this.

Yes op, he is a cruel man indeed. You deserve your peace and how you decide that to be.

Oh my goodness, I can relate to this and the relationship I'm getting over didn't have the longevity of yours!

Sending love and strength but from my experience be civil and give nothing. Life isn't a movie or a song... mumma needs to come first xx healthy mum, healthy kids.

Take control by doing what you want to do xx

Thanks everyone!!!
I can't even look at STBXH or say hi or bye or how are you.

I just can't.

It's so shitty 😪

I read back through your posts to see if you had started seeing a therapist, and you have, which is good. Not because I think you need to learn to be civil to him, but because this goes deeper than the hurt of the affair but also the fact that you say he was manipulative and expecting the impossible in your marriage.
So in a sense, if he was not going to change in your marriage, you would have continued in a marriage where you were being manipulated and he was expecting the impossible all the time, rather than ‘just’ at handovers? Therefore, there is a bit to unpick here because presumably this was not entirely the marriage you wanted either? And yet, you have two children from it, and would otherwise have still had them at home all the time if he had not had this affair and left? So one problem is replaced by another by him, whilst he swans off with his happy looking life.
Your DC are still young and not old enough to make their own observations. What was interesting to me was that, with both of mine, as they got older, they developed their own views of their father and it was not all he is is wonderful. But the other important point is that he is their father and his relationship with DC is between him and DC. So it is helpful to try and keep that point in mind. They will grow up with their own relationship with their father and his relationship with them is up to him. It actually doesn’t involve you now, aside from making sure the practicalities are attended to (ie they are ready for handover when they need to be).

Sorry that post was getting too long, so I am starting another one.
The other thing I wanted to say is that I started off doing everything through solicitor’s letters because I found ex controlling but we were referred to mediation by the court. We had co-mediation, which was with two mediators. It was very stressful but actually the mediators were very good and held him to account. In so far as there were other people in the room to say, well, no, last time x was discussed and aired, we are not re-visiting this. However, we didn’t get to a final agreement and we are still not divorced. One thing I did realise through this was that what he actually wanted was to engage with me, and it was not about DC because his contact was not actually increasing! He still wanted that control. So as I was fairly bankrupt by this point, I decided to try and see if doing the chit chat at handover and not trying to close communication down would stop the endless legal process which had by this point gone on eight years. Which it did,
So it may be that talking to him in mediation is the quickest way to get everything on paper and the ground rules laid down. And for you to say your piece about how you feel. If you do that, co-mediation with break out rooms for you both is a good way to do this.
I don’t talk to him now, my youngest is old enough to cross the car park himself and I don’t want to make small talk. Neither it seems does he. God knows why it was so important to him for years.