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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

being a woman who has nothing with a man who has nothing

73 replies

helpmethankyou · 30/08/2024 20:43

Ok hear me out

I have rebuilt my life and been single for 3 years ...i have a child. i have a wonderful friend who has always wanted more ans has treated me so well even when i've been at my worst ...and i am starting to enjoy his company and catch feelings.

I've been conditioned to go for men who have money and security. this man has a steady job but lives in a shared house, no car.

I'm making ends meet with house and car. started a phd. My subconscious is saying leave it. Aim higher. My self is saying stop being a prick there's a very good man there who would marry you tomorrow ...

how...just how do we decide these matters

OP posts:
Findwen · 30/08/2024 20:59

"i have a child. i have a wonderful friend who has always wanted more ans has treated me so well even when i've been at my worst ..."

This is one of the most valuable things available in a partner. It may not be enough for you without more money & possessions - but don't undervalue it.

Original poster
helpmethankyou · 30/08/2024 21:04

thank you Daffodil

OP posts:
Birdseyetrifle · 30/08/2024 21:05

I have a friend who had the same reservations as you. She was educated, good job and had 2 children. He worked as a builder/odd job man and at that time wasn’t making much money.
He ordered her. She was hesitant as taught to aim higher.
They’ve married over 10 years now and seem very happy.

MagneticSquirrel · 30/08/2024 21:19

I think it depends why he is in this position, has he suffered previous hardship eg savings wiped out by long term illness or lack of work during Covid? Is he in a shared house to save as much money for a future house deposit for himself?

Is he in a low paid but vocational job like nursing or care, in which case he’s not afraid of hard work. If he’s living in a shared house because he can’t be bothered to work hard or full time would be a worry.

It sounds like he genuinely likes you and treats you well. That’s more important than having a nice house and car.

KeepinOn · 30/08/2024 21:24

I dunno, I'd remain v sceptical esp as you have a child. What's that saying about no man being as deeply in love as one who needs a home? Keep a close eye on your safety, security, and long-term welfare, for both yourself and your child.

nodogz · 30/08/2024 21:30

In the long term, kindness is a wonderful and underrated attribute in a partner so don't discount it.

However, so is a matched work ethic and it's pretty hard to be happy when you don't have financial security.

I could live unhappily in a big house but I could easily live modestly with a kind partner.

GorgeousTulips · 30/08/2024 21:36

I would say a kind and loving man is worth his weight in gold.

Coconutter24 · 30/08/2024 21:48

Follow your heart and carry on building your own financial success

Shallysally · 30/08/2024 22:05

I’d be cautious OP, for the reasons PP’s have suggested.

Also, is his situation likely to change? You are working towards a goal, completing a PhD that will presumably lead to a decent career.

How important is it to you that he will bring the same financial input as you eventually will?

Orchidacea · 30/08/2024 22:06

Very tricky, because right now he's a friend and you're just beginning to build your career and your financial security.

But what about when you become a high earner, and established in a different milieu to his?

Relationships have to be strong enough to adapt to transitions. You haven't said what fields you both are in, but I think this aspect is something for you to think about.

SauviGone · 30/08/2024 22:22

there's a very good man there who would marry you tomorrow

I'll bet he would. He would have everything to gain and you'd have everything to lose. I'm sure your house and car are both lovely and I'd be sceptical about this man.

Is he able to drive? Is he planning/saving to move into his own place any time soon? What are the circumstances around him living in a shared house with no car?

How would he plan on 'dating' after the initial phase of going out a lot settles into something more routine and cosy nights in - I guess that'd all have to be at your house? Which would indeed be nice for him.

ElleintheWoods · 30/08/2024 22:35

If you find a partner that has money and security… it’s their money, not yours.

So why does it matter? Just go for the person you actually love if you have feelings for them.

Just build up your own financial independence, why would you want to go from being able to look after yourself to depending on someone?

Original poster
helpmethankyou · 31/08/2024 06:48

thank you everyone for your thoughts.

I've had the same reservations about every night being at mine. It's really hard running a home with children and blooming expensive. Which he has no idea about.

I don't want to be that person who chooses money or possessions over love. But being a single parent most of my time is in survival and stress. I don't want that though i want lightness and love maybe. Just not sure i wouldn't get bitter.

OP posts:
Ratisshortforratthew · 31/08/2024 07:06

Even if you found a high-earning man, he has no obligation to pay towards your children, nor may he want to. Of course once you got to the point of moving in together you’d be splitting housing expenses but if I, as a woman earning a decent wage, got together with a man with kids, I wouldn’t be willingly chipping in for their school trips and uni fees nor would I want to blend finances largely for that reason.

Providing you can afford the basics, there’s so much more to life than work and money. I’m freelance, but rather than going into a highly paid permanent role to afford a bigger flat I do things like take 3 months off work to go travelling because that makes me happy. That’s priceless in my opinion. As it happens I am the higher earner in my relationship and I owned my (tiny) property before we met, he was flat sharing with a friend. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever had by miles. 30 and 40somethings in house shares aren’t uncommon in expensive areas especially cities, I live in London so in my world that’s pretty normal and is an indicator of the ridiculous state of the housing market rather than anyone’s work ethic.

But even if you did start dating, you wouldn’t be moving him I. Immediately would you? So if he started to display money grabbing tendencies you can dump and move on. But if he’s as decent a guy as you think, it would be foolish to pass up on that.

rickyrickygrimes · 31/08/2024 07:07

What age are you both? Why is he living in a shared house, and does he have a plan / goals to move on? What are his career prospects? What does he currently do for a living?

There's nothing at all wrong with being practical about these things. You sound like you've moved forward in all kinds of ways and you probably need a partner who is on at least a similar trajectory. Is he? What's his story?

wrongthinker · 31/08/2024 07:16

What's the rush to decide? Stay seeing him as friends. Get to know him better.

Any time you feel you're being rushed or pressured, however "nicely", that's a red flag. You don't have to decide now about the rest of your life, especially when you have so many doubts. Stay as friends and focus on your kids for now.

BeckiWithAnI · 31/08/2024 07:50

For me it’s got very little to do with whether he earns enough or lives in a house share etc. it’s more that you said:
“I have rebuilt my life” and “I'm making ends meet with house and car”.

It sounds like you’re finally moving in the right direction and I would be loathe to ruin that pursuing a relationship that may or may not work, but one you have doubts about. Stability for your child after the last 3 years is surely more important. If you get to a place where if the relationship ended but you are still financially fine then maybe. But also don’t underestimate the impact of people coming and going from a child’s life. I’d say you need to be as sure as you could be about it working with him (nothing is ever certain of course) as this affects DC too.

jubs15 · 31/08/2024 07:52

I have a good job, house, car etc, no baggage. I'm dating someone who isn't working, rents from a housing association and doesn't drive. I am finding it quite a challenge after 4 months. It's not unreasonable to be cautious when one has everything to gain and the other has everything to lose, especially when you have a child to consider. Enjoy his company, don't pay more than your fair share for dates and keep your separate living arrangements.

SensibleSigma · 31/08/2024 07:55

How old are your children? How long have you been single?

What’s the situation with your housing?

You owe it to your children to be wary. I would wait, personally.
Don't look for a rich guy either.

You have an excellent set up at the moment, and it’s going to get better and easier over time as the dc need less.

Singleandproud · 31/08/2024 07:57

Being a single parent becomes easier as they get older. They become better companions and suddenly those evening of In the Night Garden become trips to the cinema or theatre or whatever other activity you enjoy. I would forget about any romantic relationships at the moment, focus on yourself and you PhD without adding other distractions into the mix.

Money and high status jobs can come and go with poor decision making or health issues and it's good he is living in a shared house rather than at home with parents so is slightly more independent but I wouldn't want to be with someone who has never run a home on their own. He doesn't need to be highly ambitious but he does need to have a good work ethic. He has nothing to lose by having a relationship with you whereas you have everything. Relationships are costly not just in finances, but time and emotional headspace which you really don't want to be using up when a single parent.

theduchessofspork · 31/08/2024 07:57

It depends if he has the prospect of moving out of the shared house? It’s not viable long term.

I think honestly you have a lot on your plate, I wouldn’t be rushing at this.

RareCheese · 31/08/2024 07:59

helpmethankyou · 31/08/2024 06:48

thank you everyone for your thoughts.

I've had the same reservations about every night being at mine. It's really hard running a home with children and blooming expensive. Which he has no idea about.

I don't want to be that person who chooses money or possessions over love. But being a single parent most of my time is in survival and stress. I don't want that though i want lightness and love maybe. Just not sure i wouldn't get bitter.

Listen to this part of you. It’s protecting you from future bitterness.

And I’m not sure I necessarily like the idea of the eternal friend being kind and supportive while making it clear he wants a relationship. If you got a boyfriend, would this friend storm off, annoyed that all his kindness hadn’t ‘worked’? Is it kindness performed in hope of an eventual reward?

Oganesson118 · 31/08/2024 07:59

You can build a life from very little. My now husband and I met in a house share 12 years ago, both completely starting over (me escaping toxic marriage, him escaping family in his home country) and we are now very comfortably off. The person is often more important than the car and bank balance. Those things are nice but they can be worked towards.

Ivegotaboneinmyleg · 31/08/2024 08:08

I really wouldn't put earnings before feelings. You said that he has a steady job and he must pay rent on his shared house deal?
It is true that he would gain more than you in the fact that he wouldn't house share anymore, and you are clearly financially better off than him...However, what do you stand to gain? His "regular job" income and someone who clearly thinks one hell of a lot of you is what you would gain. Have you read some of the posts on here? He sounds like a decent man - just not a wealthy one.
I wish you the very best in making your choice. 🌷

Itsjustmeheretoday · 31/08/2024 08:21

I personally wouldn't, but perhaps if he is a nice person and it sounds that you are both equal, and of course it's more important to be happy than have things. My only concern would be, is why does he have nothing, is it a legitimate situation or is it due to poor choices, being lazy etc