being a woman who has nothing with a man who has nothing

[helpmethankyou]

Ok hear me out

I have rebuilt my life and been single for 3 years ...i have a child. i have a wonderful friend who has always wanted more ans has treated me so well even when i've been at my worst ...and i am starting to enjoy his company and catch feelings.

I've been conditioned to go for men who have money and security. this man has a steady job but lives in a shared house, no car.

I'm making ends meet with house and car. started a phd. My subconscious is saying leave it. Aim higher. My self is saying stop being a prick there's a very good man there who would marry you tomorrow ...

how...just how do we decide these matters

Different situation. You were both poor, and no child was involved.

You didn’t say how old you both are, but if you think it would lead to bitterness and resentment, I wouldn’t.

Has he worn you down with his 'wanting more'?

It's ok to step back and consider.

You have rebuilt. Started a phd, if you want money and possessions, then earn it yourself

I'd argue that it's not the lack of money per say that's the issue, rather it suggests an aspect of his personality that could potentially be less than "lovely and kind". If, as others have suggested, he's keen on you for your house/car then he's not really the wonderful person you think he is.

Also, one of the things I've unexpectedly valued over the years with DH is that we're both on a similar page when it comes to money - we both value security so we're quite careful, but neither of us are particularly money driven. I think it would be hard if we were too mismatched here.

Only you know what would bother you. But I don't think you're being shallow to think about it before you get in too deep

Money, while nice, isn't everything. It doesn't make a marriage. What makes a good relationship is good communication, mutual respect, a commitment to make it work and a sprinkling of attraction. You have a great foundation because you are friends. You can build a life and wealth together. Although, I would caution you to really think about how much your into him before you get physically involved because ultimately you could lose a friend if it doesn't work out.

I would say you have your hands full right now, I don’t think having the added expense (time as well) of a boyfriend hanging around every evening is going to be helpful to you.

Then he will be like “well why don’t I move in instead of going back and forth”. Honestly I would leave things as they are, you sound like you are working hard to get yourself right, the priority is you and your child. Build your life, most men are more hassle than they are worth tbh. Would you even want someone in your space all the time?

It doesn’t matter if he wants more, you don’t have to give anyone anything. You have listed his good qualities but do you actually like him that much romantically? Money isn’t everything at all, and relationships can work out well but when you throw a kid into the mix the first thought should always be what the impact is on them.

Exactly.
Incels and misogynists bleat that women only want men for money. FGS let's not try to prove them right!

OP protect YOUR assets, but go for this relationship with someone who seems lovely.

I think relationships work best when you are evenly matched financially. Obviously there are many more factors that make or break a relationship but I think financial parity gives a good foundation

Sure no child was involved but both being poor is the same “a woman with nothing with a man with nothing”

Surely you've got nothing to lose if you both have nothing? When I met dh we. We're both renting/ sharing a house. We had jobs. He had a car. However I was in my 20s, and there were no kids involved so we built up together. But we were burn ambitious and knew what our end goal was- house, kids, enough money to have a holiday each year and not have to buy supermarket fizzy pop.

Well there is a lot of difference in dating someone and moving in with someone.
Dating can be fun but in my experience it does help if you both have some disposable income, other wise it will be him around your house every night but then again sometimes a hug and a film can be just as good.
My boyfriend earns half as much as I do but we don’t live together, he rents from a HA (HA flats are like gold dust here so that’s good) and I own my house and I do have higher outgoings than he does. So far we have always split things 50/50, and to be fair to him he does all the driving. We have no plans to live together and he wants to buy his flat. All of our children are teens so that helps too as in we can leave them at home.
It’s literally about things work for you and what you want.

I think posters telling OP to earn her own money are missing the point. OP says she’s been conditioned to go for a man with money and security but I don’t interpret that as meaning she wants someone to keep her, more that she wants someone in an equal position to her (house/car/prospects)

This comment I think suggests that OP is doing more than her fair share of covering expenses, she’s essentially keeping him.

I've had the same reservations about every night being at mine. It's really hard running a home with children and blooming expensive. Which he has no idea about.

It’s a gamble OP and in my case I lost. Now single parent (for the second time), ex is now a totally absent father with no contact or maintenance. It’s not just the money, but the emotional trauma it has caused to my child.

Oh and my ex was lovely and sweet at the start.

Men don’t always show their true selves, men can turn.

I’d be looking very carefully at his background and childhood if I were you.

I don’t feel comfortable about this until OP gives some answers about why he is skint, lives in a shared house and has no car.

Also, why is he so interested in a single mum (when she’s been at her worst)?

From a child protection point of view, there are predators out there who deliberately seek out mothers who are grateful for any support, as a way to access her children, and they play the long game.

From a less alarming perspective, there are men who aren’t properly grown up and responsible and seek out single mothers because they want to be taken care of.

I am not getting the sense this is a good idea.

Good comments. I would also consider what is he doing to improve his position financially. If he is 40's still living in a house share with no attempts to save and get his own place, no pension provision etc then you will regret it.

What if she has another child with this man? The fact that he can’t provide financial support will become a big issue.

Allowing the misogynist stereotypes about women, concocted in the minds of incels to influence your life, is pure foolishness.

Oh gosh yes I would find that a challenge too. My boyfriend also rents from a HA but he works and drives. Work is such a big part of my life I can’t imagine being with someone who doesn’t have it.

i think age/stage is important here. I met my husband to be when I was mid twenties, living in a shared flat, had nothing to bring to relationship apart from my bin bag of clothes and a crappy car. I was working and had a degree, but was in relatively low paid work at the time. He was 3 years older, owned his flat and had savings as had not gone to university was working much longer than me.

i moved in with him, his mum warned him I might be a gold digger! I remember laughing when he told me, thinking I would have gone for someone who was earning a lot more if that had been a consideration.

Anyway, been together 30 odd years now, kids, he has supported me through ill health and I am now supporting him. As previous posters have talked about, we built a life together, stronger financially and emotionally together.

We were both relatively young and at the start of building our careers and importantly - no kids.

All of this is irrelevant to you though, I have no idea if your potential partner is like mine, who turned out to be an undiscovered gem, just waiting for the right woman to build a life with.

i am now in my fifties and husband is seriously unwell. If he doesn’t make it, I will never live with another man or re marry. I would not jeopardise my financial security or my childs for romance.

This is a long winded way of saying, it’s a gamble!

I am very glad my partner took a gamble on me in my twenties, but I would never gamble in my fifties.

Only you can know what your appetite for risk is.

Some gamble and win, others lose.

Good luck with your choice.

I wholeheartedly agree with this. Go for it, OP. A loving team can build a great and happy life together.

I am a woman with nothing who is with a man who has nothing and I couldn't be happier. We've been together 6 years and it hasn't all been easy, but it is so worth it. I walked away from a lot and I know most of my friends thought I was mad. Some still do, but I know some have changed their view.
But I think you have to be very honest with yourself - will you come to resent him having nothing and expect him to change? That would spell disaster. And misery.

I would never go for a man because of his money or security.

As an adult it is up to me to provide for myself.

These are things that can be lost too.
Many men are financially secure but then lose it through gambling, not knowing how to save, loss of business etc.
They could also be abusive, controlling, narcissistic etc.

Money can come and go but a man’s morals will stay the same.
You want to be with a man who you still love and they love you, even if they were homeless and broke because that’s how you tell a good man.

The only reason money would come into it for me would be if he was lazy or silly with money, but that would be based on his behaviour rather than the financial side.

If someone thinks money and a high flying career is extremely important to them, then they’re going to want the same in a partner.

If you are in a similar position to him and you’re not financially flush and don’t have a high flying career, then I don’t know why you wouldn’t want to be with someone in a similar position.

I had a friend who was always looking out for me. Would make sure I got home safe after a night out when we were in our 20s for example, my mum adored him and he was genuinely an overall good person.

At age 35 I owned my own house and had a very well paying job.
He lived at home with his parents still, had some debt and earned less than half what I earned. So I could have thought the same, that he’s not financially secure etc. We finally admitted how we felt and got together, I got pregnant straight away (unplanned). During the pregnancy he moved into my house. Over the next 6 years I remained the main earner, paid the mortgage, and funded my maternity leave while working in a job I absolutely hated. He has been the most supportive and loving husband and dad.

We now have 3 young children, moved to our forever home 4 years ago and he now runs his own company. He has become the main earner to the point that this year I was able to leave the job I hated and now work (very) part time for his company and I can properly look after the family and home. It feels amazing.

So you never know what the future holds, don’t judge someone on their current situation. Finances can change, but the type of person they are doesn’t.

He has a steady job.

It makes sense that he’d be in a shared house instead of paying double or triple to live in a house by myself.

He may not drive (like many women on MN) or lives in an area that he doesn’t need to drive.

These things on their own aren’t red flags and could possibly be green flags (the steady job obviously is).

You know that he is a lovely guy which is a massive green flag.

Give me a lovely, decent guy who isn’t rolling in it, over a man who is rolling in it but is controlling, misogynistic or arrogant any day.

"I've been conditioned to go for men who have money and security."

And how has that panned out so far in your life? Have you got the financial stability you wanted?