being a woman who has nothing with a man who has nothing

[helpmethankyou]

Ok hear me out

I have rebuilt my life and been single for 3 years ...i have a child. i have a wonderful friend who has always wanted more ans has treated me so well even when i've been at my worst ...and i am starting to enjoy his company and catch feelings.

I've been conditioned to go for men who have money and security. this man has a steady job but lives in a shared house, no car.

I'm making ends meet with house and car. started a phd. My subconscious is saying leave it. Aim higher. My self is saying stop being a prick there's a very good man there who would marry you tomorrow ...

how...just how do we decide these matters

Main issue for me would be the housing discrepancy.

Lot of men who are fucking desperate to move in with a woman by stealth (it's absolutely vampiric)...would he be interested in you if YOU were in a shared house or with parents and couldn't host him?

Few dates in, his habit is to bring a £7 bottle of wine and gets a cosy weekend, starts extending time together...

Agree with @Flibflobflibflob

Then he's semi-living at yours and you're subsidising another child.

PhD life is stressful and maintaining external friendships important (grad school is not really a good place to meet lots of attractive men unless you're already naturally in those social circles - the guys are often a bit weird or transient or creepy old married professors).

I'd keep the friendship, keep talking, and see how he is with being supportive at this time.

If he's genuine he'll be Ok with staying out and taking time getting to know you. You don't need to be paid for on extravagant dates, pay half and go for coffee, but it has to be out-dates not in. If he's genuine a couple years won't faze him.

Don't discuss or negotiate, just don't let him in.

He can spring for a Travelodge if he wants time together.

Sorry if I’ve missed it but how old are you both? Having nothing in your twenties is very different from your fifties.

Having a romantic relationship with a man is a different kettle of fish to being friends. People can start behaving differently depending on their inner insecurities once in a relationship. For that reason, it's best to date a good length of time before considering living together, even if you've been friends for years, think you know them, you should not count that and speed up the timeline.
I've seen plenty of threads on here were a friend known for years moved in earlier than they would normally, as it builds false security, only to have it all unravel and they were not the person they thought they were.
I'd suggest 2 years of dating, see how it goes, it's enough time to assess if you work together as a couple or not. Bear in mind that you do risk a friendship if it doesn't work out, but really your friendship was half based on him fancying you, so not quite the same as a platonic friendship. A lot of what he's done for you was likely in the hope that something would come of it in the future not because he was after being your friend, those things may stop once he's your BF.

I could have written this! I'm highly educated, in a good job, rent and live alone - don't own but hoping to soon. I met a guy who rents from a HA and is unemployed - we met by chance and hit it off, however it only lasted a few weeks and dates. He had big dreams about setting up a business, but didn't actually do anything about it. He just didn't want to work. The money imbalance between us also become apparent very quickly. We also always ended going for coffee at the same studenty-type cafe in town because it was cheap. He only seemed to eat one meal a day (he said it was by choice, but think it was lack of money which made me feel sad) so eating together wasn't really possible. The few times we went for a meal, he wouldn't want to go anywhere I chose I think because he thought it was too expensive. I would have paid for us both but I think he was proud about it. We'd just end up in his flat watching TV when all I really wanted was to be out and about exploring new places together and doing all the exciting things you should do in in the new phase of a relationship.

I just felt like we were from two worlds. In the end, the final straw was realising that I didn't want to introduce him to my friends because I felt ashamed about the whole thing. In part because of his situation, but also his politics and attitude to life which started to come out. I would say he was genuinely lovely, just battered by life and circumstances, but ultimately I couldn't see a future for us in which he wasn't dragging me down, whether intentionally or unintentionally :(

. A lot of what he's done for you was likely in the hope that something would come of it in the future not because he was after being your friend, those things may stop once he's your BF.

yes! exactly my thoughts. it's nice for me having my life and getting some nice extra treats and support.

I'm 41 and he's 54.

Few dates in, his habit is to bring a £7 bottle of wine and gets a cosy weekend, starts extending time together...

🙈 oh dear ...maybe at that but the wine is £5

Friend zone this one.

i typod then...i'm 43, sterilised, zero chance of children ha. just going along pretty stable but still ambitious and wondering if i should her this person in who wants to make a go of it.

He's 54?!

No way. If he were 26 it wouldn't be a deal breaker that he lives in a shared house and isn't earning much. But at 54 this is it. This is what he is going to achieve.

I am sure he is a nice man, but his best bet is to find a nice home for himself with one of the many single women in their forties who have been sensible and provided for themselves. They will essentially be supporting him in return for not being single, and if he holds up his end of the deal that may be acceptable to everyone. But you have children and a PhD and plans for your future, and at 41 he is not a good investment for you.

He’s 54?

You’re bringing it all to the table, he’s bringing nothing. You’ll end up as his nurse with a purse.

Ffs do not let him move in with you.

I am certainly not one to prioritise money over happiness. I dated my H when he was just starting a business and had very little money at all. He worked hard and is now very successful.

However, a few things would concern me here- how old is he to still be sharing a house?

Will he expect you to drive him everywhere? will he share bills and contribute- is he responsible with money?

Being friends with someone is not an indicator of what they're like in a relationship. I have male friends whom I adore but could not be in a romantic relationship with them for various reasons- one is terrible with money (and as a friend it doesnt affect me really) for example. So be wary of the thought that if he makes a good friend, he'll automatically make a good life partner.

I also dont agree that a financially secure man= automatic dickhead and a poorer man= lovely, decent guy. Life isnt as black and white as that and it's not a binary choice between one or the other. You can get massive bellends who have no money either.

Now, obviously if you had a rich bloke who was a complete dick it wouldnt be wise to date him but attitudes to money are important- they are a major contributor to relationship break ups/stress so his attitude to money would be something I would need to consider.

Edit- he's 54??? not for me thanks. At that age he should have some financial security.

This. RUN.

From your initial post I was expecting him to be in his 20s not bloody 54!

No wonder he wants to get with you- he has nothing and you have a house and a car. No bloody way.

i'm in a shared ownership house with a small pension so not in the best position but i'm ok day to day which might hopefully run into something better as i have possibly 30 years to work.

He is a good guy but had kids young and moved into his partners council house and when he left she held the tenancy. it sounds bad i know but i guess me being a single parent, i got help to stabilise whereas a single man would not get that.

In the stream of consciousness im in now, im realising that i received help initially so i could help my child and this should be my main (and possibly only) focus. Also the help was so i could help myself rebuild and better our lives. It's just lonely sometimes. Not in the way that i don't like being alone, but just a huge and heavy weight.

and moved into his partners council house

Bit of a pattern emerging here isnt there?

Why assume because he’s in a shared house he’s poor?

maybe he’s saving, maybe he prefers the companionship? It can be fucking lonely living on your own and sitting in an empty house each night.

i have a mate lives with his mum, he’s in his 50’s and has done so since his last relationship broke up. He’s absolutely loaded, could buy a house cash, but likes living with his mum, they help each other out practically, and it’s companionship for both.

Have you other friendship and support networks?

It's not just men who can give you support, it is worth building up helpful groups

This can be a bit tricky and you need to be quite persistent, but once you have found 2-3 regular groups or networks with Ok people, it can help with practical support and loneliness.

You don't need to be best perfect friends (as you and most people won't have the time) just allies. You may even meet someone through networks you want to date!

Do you have a plan with the PhD?

If you're struggling with money/just getting by unless there's something really specific you're doing with it it may not help your earning potential and will just be a lot of time spent not making an Ok wage (you could be building up experience and earnings trying for something else).

PhD won't automatically give you any CV advantages when completed, so may just be 4 years of low wages.

This is a tricky one, OP. At the risk of sounding like my dearly departed dad, what are his prospects? For me, I’d want the following:

1. That he has a job. I don’t care if it’s not high paying and I don’t care about its status, but someone who has no money because he’s lying around collecting benefits while he was able to work would indicate a lack of work ethic that I would find unattractive. I work hard, my kids have learned to work hard, and that sort of laziness wouldn’t chime with my values.
2. That he has a plan: Does he intend to live in shared accommodation forever, or until you let him move in? He’s a lot older than you and I’d be worried that you are his retirement plan - a nurse with a purse, so to speak.
3. Is he kind, helpful, does he clean up after himself, put the toilet seat down - the minor but important courtesies?
4. Would you think yourself lucky to be with him? I’m grateful every day for my partner. He’s very much my ‘equal’ and I’m not with him because I’m lonely, feel pity for him, or need his money. I’m with him because he’s bloody marvelous and I fancy the pants off him!
5. A PhD is a huge journey of discovery, not just about your topic, but about yourself. You will be not be the same person at the end of it and you will have lots of interesting opportunities. You may even want to move for a dream job. Will you still want in 3 years what you want now?

It’s a lot to think about, but unless you’re sure I’d put the brakes on until you are - and that may be never.

i have an English and Languages
degree and the phd is based around language development and AI which i feel given the way society is developing could really increase my earning potential and job security . I can be very sociable in small bursts but default to time alone which supports what I am trying to work towards...slowly !

Given that at one time i lost everything and was homeless i am cautious with relationships. But also in awe of 'normal' people who can work relationships out without having to resort to forums or analysis or survival mechanisms!

You don’t need to justify the help you got and yes there are single men who get help - I’m dating someone who has full custody of his daughter and was rehoused in to a HA flat when he was going through court. I got so much help too and working so hard to make up for it in a good job. But the bottom line is everyone is responsible for themselves.

What would need to happen is that you would need to have a conversation about boundaries and your own space. You getting together wouldn’t mean that he gets a meal ticket to move in with you. You might stay together for years and not live together.

I would outright ask him if he saw himself moving in? If you say it’s not for you and you don’t want anyone to move in what would be his reaction then?

Yes, all he does is sit in his bedroom and watch YouTube/porn. The only times we've done anything other than go for a walk has been at my instigation. Money is not the issue with him; he has far more available to spend on what he likes than I do. He also says he's going to do all sorts of things, but doesn't actually do any of them. OP, please don't fall into the same trap as myself and snowwhat!

OP throughout your posts there seems to be a ..'but..' thought, and if there is a 'but' it is worth listening to it, even if on examination that 'but' doesn't matter much after all....we have gut instincts for a reason!
Lots of posters have made good points about his background and potential future and checking if his plans for the future match yours, or is he looking for a nice nest to settle into.
Will you lose his friendship if you turn down the 'romance'? If so, it's not a true friendship, just groundwork for moving in.
Good luck with your future and hope the PhD goes well!

It's a bit odd to dismiss a man who has nothing when you yourself have nothing (your phrase)
Perhaps a well earning man with assets and money would prefer a woman equal to him.
Equal relationships always work better imo

It's never going to be equal though is it when i have a child. the child is the asset to me but possibly more of a hindrance to some prospective partners.

Nothing is ever equal it's about creating a dynamic that works.

The discussion here has been helpful and encouraged me to work even harder towards my own goals and know my worth. If i can't have the kind man who will provide equal share i would rather just have myself, my daughter and my cats.

If hes a good friend he will keep being a good friend. The poster who said he was wearing me down was right to an extent.