I am cat fishing my boyfriend

[Goatsmilkcleanse]

I’ve been going through a difficult period of time with the death of my father and I have been feeling insecure and slightly all over the place. I have not found my boyfriend of two and a half years to be as supportive as expected and I have had a feeling in my gut. Wasn’t sure if this was to do with grief or a genuine suspicion.

I was with a friend when something from Instagram popped up and it was my BF posting. I do not check his insta much or go in it very much myself. But when I took a closer look, to my surprise, his profile is open.

I took my old work iPhone (from before I met BF) so he doesn’t know the number, and set up a new Instagram account. I put a few fake photos of an attractive woman (I know this was stupid please don’t judge me.) I started following him and I sent him a message. Very innocuous about his hobby. Anyway, long story short fake me and him are now talking everyday about him, his life; everything, it’s gone over to WhatsApp, instigated by him, and it’s a continuous conversation.

he has told “her” about me and he veers between being respectful of me and testing boundaries. The implication is we’re very stressed and not very happy as a couple right now. He wants to meet around a hobby group that “we” both have in common (my fake profile and him) but is sitting in the camp of “friends” at the moment. He has sent both pics of him alone and pics of him and me but has implied that he can meet “her” alone and I will not be there.

honestly all I am feeling from this is that I hate myself. I feel dirty and like I am the deceptive one. I think I wanted to know for certain whether he was open to other people or not or whether I should protect my heart or not. And I am still on the fence. If I confronted him with any of this there is nothing in particular I could accuse him of, even if he “showed” me the messages. Willingness to meet someone else about a hobby, responding to very direct buttons being pushed by me under my fake profile in his specific areas of interest. Or am I being delusional?

one slight spanner in the works is that we always from the beginning of our relationship agreed that we would both like to have a threesome at some point with another woman. In the last 6 months we have talked about it quite a bit but life has got in the way including the death of my dad. So even some of the offering to meet this woman alone could also fall under this banner (“I was meeting her for us”.)

I am now stuck. I can’t take it to any conclusion - unless you have any bright ideas of things I should ask him while I am still pretending? And I feel guilty and embarrassed I have done it.

just wanted to vent and there is no way I am telling my friends or anyone IRL I have done this

You've made two different statements. There's no logical connection.

Maybe what people mean is 'acceptable' rather than 'normal'.

It's certainly normal behaviour to follow people on SM.

She saw his profile (open) on a friend's phone.
She had suspicions. She set up an account to check him out and her suspicions were confirmed. He fell for it.

How is that any different to the 100s of posts we see here daily where women -

Have the password to a partner's phone and snoop- and find messages.
As above- but email.
Or Facebook or any other SM account
Or follow them in their car to see where they are going.
Or check their credit card statements for 'spending'.

Are you going to argue none of those are 'normal'?

They all have the same intention- to uncover infidelity or emotional relationships.

If it was the other way round and he posted the same thing he’d be torn to shreds and called abusive, controlling, gaslighting, insert other variations - guarantee it.

I do hope you'd use the same argument for women who post here daily about secretly accessing their partner's phones and email with the intention of finding something to confirm their suspicions.

No one tears them to shreds.
In fact they are usually advised to go through their pockets, their cars, etc etc to find evidence.

But 'cat fishing'- oh no, that 's 'abnormal'.

I think it’s more the length and depths of the manipulation and deception on what the OP is doing, and then asking for what other things she should post in her fake persona in an effort to try and ‘trap’ or catch him out. And from what she’s posted, doesn’t seem he’s done a massive amount wrong in the online conversation but she keeps pushing it.

It’s not quite on the same level as the things you’ve described here, in my opinion. I appreciate people may have different opinions.

@PrettyPinkShoes pretending you're a different woman and carrying on an online relationship is in a different league to any of those things

I would. I don’t condone snooping on a partners phone without their knowledge, I think it breaks trust. But the behaviour here which is unbelievably deceptive I think people would tear the OP to shreds if she were a male.

This is neither normal nor healthy behaviour on your part OP...

I think that the fake profile should end the interactions. As has been suggested by others something like "Hi x I've started seeing someone and he doesn't like me chatting with other guys so I'm removing my account. Wishing you well x"

Delete the account, get rid of the phone. If he ever found the phone linked to the number in your house he will be properly freaked out!

Personally I think you partner has passed any test that you were trying to do. I'm probably of the mind set that a lot/most people would cheat given someone attractive, nice and interesting giving them sustained attention. Your partner has hardly dived in head first. He has told this person about you and is probably a bit confused about how much they have in common - because it is you trying to push his buttons.

Get rid of the profiles and try to reconnect with your partner as yourself. I agree that some counselling might not be a bad idea. As for the threesome I can only assume that this would be a really bad idea for someone insecure and I would suggest that you both keep it as a fantasy. Looking for someone for your threesome from general people that are friendly with you about unrelated hobbies also sounds pretty grim.

By the way you were able to get so friendly with him so quickly because you knew him, you had an advantage of being his current GF. He probably was quite surprised to get such a “soul mate” accidentally online.
That’s why I wouldn’t cite it as a reason for the break up, it’s not entirely fair. But I would worry that it might strengthen his desire to find a person from the fake profile.

How long have you been talking to him? If its been a while, I think it's best just to ghost him. Then as his GF, see if his behaviour changes - more moody, or appreciates you more.
Ultimately I think it's probably best to dump him on the basis that he hasn't been supportive enough since your DF died. No need to mention the rest. It doesn't matter why people display negative behaviours ( though everyone wants answers) it's enough that they do them ultimately. You've got all you need, so just end it. If you don't have DC's or ties, it shouldn't be that hard.

It's a song where the guy puts out a personal ad even though he has a girlfriend, she replies not knowing it's him, they decide to meet up and find out it's each other. The song is: Escape (The Piña Colada Song)
Song by Rupert Holmes

This is an awful thing to do! If I were him (and I found out, which he will eventually), I would end things. Stop what you're doing and just communicate with him irl.

In your shoes, I would have to know so would turn the conversation sexual. That way you would have black and white knowledge of the situation.

I left an ex when my Mum died. He was totally unsupportive and awful and I was done.

I think you need to separate though. He has already had a chance to tell Ms. X how amazing you are and that he is a committed relationship and he hasn't so he's keeping his options open. On aggregate, he is not a keeper.

I'm sorry about your Dad OP.
This relationship is over, you need to finished wirh him, get some counselling and heal.

What he is doing is cause for concern as a partner. However what you are doing is deeply immoral and possibly illegal. you should stop now and end this relationship.

Do you have a second phone? How are you chatting on WhatsApp without him realising?

But yeah, obviously dump him, for both your sakes.

But the behaviour here which is unbelievably deceptive I think people would tear the OP to shreds if she were a male.

Most posters are tearing her to shreds.

Very few are supportive.

DO NOT CONTINUE! The poor woman whose images you have stolen does not deserve to be in this juvenile game you are playing with your boyfriend. Because at this stage it is a game, you are getting a thrill out of doing it and you need to stop before it gets even more out of hand.

And getting caught in the rain 😂

The brain when it's bogged down will look for a distraction. You're getting a buzz from doing this. It isn't a healthy distraction though.

Your relationship is over. You've both crossed a line.

Op, firstly, sorry to hear about your dad. Clearly the grief is messing with your head a little.

In all honesty, i don't think your BF is doing an awful lot wrong. Emotional affair gets banded about here far too often, this is not an EA, He is merely communicating with you about interests and hobbies you both 'apparently share' - He is even talking to 'you' about you - and sending pics of you and him to 'you'

If he had any thoughts about cheating on you he would not be involving the real you.

What you are doing is wrong, it's not fair on him, and you could very easily manipulate this and turn it on its head. If i was your BF and i found out my GF was doing the same I would tell her to pack her bags without a second thought.

Also, the fact that you are using someone else's pics, is not only immensely immoral but likely illegal.

I get he wasn't as supportive as you would have liked during a hard period for you, he may well have been he might not have been, grief can play havoc on the mind. You clearly don't trust him and you need to seek solace and be on your own for a good period of time to grieve.

If were my mate and you told me this I’d be very much dump him/ghost him - and you’re a (twisty) legend!

Confirming your suspicions that your partner is betraying you is one thing. Catfishing your boyfriend and creating a situation in which you ruin your relationship without hope of reconciliation and are then unable to figure out how/why/whether to leave is perverse.

I think the criticism of OP on here is a bit extreme to be honest!

I remember a thread I read months ago when a woman had set up a fake dating profile to match with her partner, and most people congratulated her ingenuity.

The only difference here is that it seems OP's boyfriend may not in fact be a cheat. But if he had immediately started sending dick pics to the fake profile, I think a lot of people would have congratulated her!

OP, I do think you need to abandon it however. It's probably somewhat addictive, and it's not really giving you any definite answers. And do you really want to be with this unsupportive guy you don't trust anyway?

Good luck.

Run dude, run!