I am cat fishing my boyfriend

[Goatsmilkcleanse]

I’ve been going through a difficult period of time with the death of my father and I have been feeling insecure and slightly all over the place. I have not found my boyfriend of two and a half years to be as supportive as expected and I have had a feeling in my gut. Wasn’t sure if this was to do with grief or a genuine suspicion.

I was with a friend when something from Instagram popped up and it was my BF posting. I do not check his insta much or go in it very much myself. But when I took a closer look, to my surprise, his profile is open.

I took my old work iPhone (from before I met BF) so he doesn’t know the number, and set up a new Instagram account. I put a few fake photos of an attractive woman (I know this was stupid please don’t judge me.) I started following him and I sent him a message. Very innocuous about his hobby. Anyway, long story short fake me and him are now talking everyday about him, his life; everything, it’s gone over to WhatsApp, instigated by him, and it’s a continuous conversation.

he has told “her” about me and he veers between being respectful of me and testing boundaries. The implication is we’re very stressed and not very happy as a couple right now. He wants to meet around a hobby group that “we” both have in common (my fake profile and him) but is sitting in the camp of “friends” at the moment. He has sent both pics of him alone and pics of him and me but has implied that he can meet “her” alone and I will not be there.

honestly all I am feeling from this is that I hate myself. I feel dirty and like I am the deceptive one. I think I wanted to know for certain whether he was open to other people or not or whether I should protect my heart or not. And I am still on the fence. If I confronted him with any of this there is nothing in particular I could accuse him of, even if he “showed” me the messages. Willingness to meet someone else about a hobby, responding to very direct buttons being pushed by me under my fake profile in his specific areas of interest. Or am I being delusional?

one slight spanner in the works is that we always from the beginning of our relationship agreed that we would both like to have a threesome at some point with another woman. In the last 6 months we have talked about it quite a bit but life has got in the way including the death of my dad. So even some of the offering to meet this woman alone could also fall under this banner (“I was meeting her for us”.)

I am now stuck. I can’t take it to any conclusion - unless you have any bright ideas of things I should ask him while I am still pretending? And I feel guilty and embarrassed I have done it.

just wanted to vent and there is no way I am telling my friends or anyone IRL I have done this

Me too 😆

Here is a link to the song - lol

Its about a couple who both wrote a dating profile ad (newspaper) and matched with each other!

Thank you all! I get the pina colada reference. Very funny.

I know you are all right. I like all your ideas (the continuing ones and the ending ones) just don’t know what order to do things and I keep getting these Adrenalin rushes

It’s a regular on radio 2….and that probably means I am.🤣🤣

This is one of the most bat shit things I've ever read on MN. You need to break up.

“unless you have any bright ideas of things I should ask him while I am still pretending?”

jeez just STOP

OP, kindly you said you get Adrenalin rushes, you need to stop you’re obviously getting fixated on this and however he’s treated you this really isn’t fair on your partner you are manipulating him, I’d be humiliated and mortified if a partner did this to me. How would you feel if he was doing it to you? He’s not a plaything for you to you with he’s a real human with emotions.

I really don’t mean that to sound harsh as you’re obviously going through a really difficult time at the moment but this isn’t right, or healthy, for either of you. I wouldn’t tell him about it I think that will do more harm than good, but you need to stop talking to him, break off contact delete the account. Say you’ve got to go away to care for a relative, whatever reason, but I think you need to stop, before it gets worse and before you get found out.

He hasn’t really done anything terribly wrong, has he…? Certainly no worse than you. You’ve betrayed his trust in a sense, more than I suspect he’s betrayed you by innocently messaging someone about hobbies and other innocent things. I mean, he wasn’t being inappropriate was he?
I think you’ve messed up here tbh, shot yourself in the foot so to speak. You’ve learned nothing about his sincerity or loyalty to you, really, and you’ve just left yourself with unanswered questions and a really difficult situation to deal with particularly if he finds out what you’ve done.
Whatever else you decide to do regarding talking to your DP about this whole mess, and the relationship in general, you need to stop this catfishing thing immediately. Delete the account. No more messages. This fake woman doesn’t actually exist, so I think it’s time the insta account, and her relationship with your DP, reflected that.
As for what you do next….. that’s a tough one. I think you should really seriously consider what you’re doing in this relationship - if you don’t trust your partner (and it looks like he probably can’t trust you either) maybe it’s best to cut things off now and do some work on yourself before getting into another relationship.
Sincerely hope you can figure it out without creating too much hurt for either yourself or your DP.

This is exactly what I was going to say. This is a whole other level of bunny boiling lunacy. You need serious help op. That is not right at all. Creepy, manipulative, twisted.... honestly this sounds like something out of a psychological thriller and you are the bad guy.

The only thing I really care about in this situation is you using another woman's photos without her consent.

That could massively affect her life in various ways.

It's so easy to search for where else people are on the Internet using their photo nowadays, all you need is for their eyes to be clearly in the image and so many things come up!

Workplace photos and everything!

It's not okay and you shouldn't be doing that to her.

Honestly, this could form the basis of an amazing rom com. But the boring real-world advice here is best. You are getting a kick out of the deception.

You really seriously need therapy, as others have noted. You must break up with this boyfriend first because you don’t trust or treasure him. The fact that you were right to suspect him of disloyalty is neither here nor there. Your approach to the relationship is very self centered and selfish. Its all about you and your needs. That is fine at the outset but 2.5 years in you should actually care about the other person too.

The proper thing to do if you were feeling distance in the relationship would have been to ask for more closeness, more support, more of what you need. He could have stepped up, or left, but at least his response would have been to you. Now you have created an utterly false crisis in the relationship and it can’t be resolved.

Pull out. Get therapy. And try to be more honest and less manipulative with the next person.

The one thing I know about threesomes is that a relationship needs to be strong before these can work without splitting a couple up.
Your relationship is the total opposite of strong: you don't trust him - with good reason. And he is willing to cheat on you and doesn't give you emotional support.

I think you should call it a day and concentrate on your wellbeing.

Dump him for being unsupportive, delete the profile, never tell him what you did, get therapy urgently!

I mean I think dumping him and therapy is the answer but the only definitive answer is to get sexual with him. But you're creating the situation you're going to dump him for woo though you just need to dump

Why are threesomes always with another woman, never a man?

Anyway op, he's getting closer and closer to this 'ow' persona you've created. He is probably imagining all sorts that probably isn't a threesome.

Now what? He's let you down again after the death of your dad.

It's time to end it. You don't even need to tell him about your tricking him.

What's the point in staying with this man? You know he's got a wandering eye and he hasn't been supportive through a horribly tough time. You've proven the former beyond doubt. He'd have a partial excuse but you know it isn't true. I'm no expert but he wouldn't need to go into this level of discussion just the two of them if it was to set the groundwork for a threesome (if you'd agreed to go about it that way).

I think therapy and higher standards. End the chat with the fake woman and leave him guessing about her.

How would it be an amazing rom com ?

Meet him with a pina colada in hand

Someone local to me once did similar to her boyfriend using my pictures, although it was on tinder not instagram. Unfortunately someone else saw the profile and sent it to my husband and it nearly ruined our marriage as I had to try and prove it wasn't my profile. She caused me so much unnecessary stress by using my pictures

Whatever else you do, please stop using this poor woman's photos

FFS, I don’t know why some people on here have to be so nasty, I hope someone is this ‘kind’ to you when you have just lost a parent. It is possible to get your message across without name calling you know?

You know, like that famous rom com Fatal Attraction.. 🐇

seriously?
very much about you.
rather than engage in any sort of "adult" behaviour where you sit and talk through the last wee while ,your emotions/his apparent oblivion to them...
you catfished him.
you cant exactly confront him, and if you do- your gonna get dumped-if he has any sense.
its inexcuseable. YOU have behaved abhorrently.
using your own insecurities "gut" in such a devious manner -deserves you biting your own arse really

It’s a standard Rom Com trope - pretend to be someone else to find out who you really are. Doesn’t work in real life. In the Rom Com, she’d disguise herself and he somehow wouldn’t recognise her. Then they’d fall out, then get together.

Unlike real life where this is toxic behaviour.

You are responsible for the manipulation here. This is so toxic. I'm afraid your personal circumstances don't give you a free pass for what you are doing.