I am cat fishing my boyfriend

[Goatsmilkcleanse]

I’ve been going through a difficult period of time with the death of my father and I have been feeling insecure and slightly all over the place. I have not found my boyfriend of two and a half years to be as supportive as expected and I have had a feeling in my gut. Wasn’t sure if this was to do with grief or a genuine suspicion.

I was with a friend when something from Instagram popped up and it was my BF posting. I do not check his insta much or go in it very much myself. But when I took a closer look, to my surprise, his profile is open.

I took my old work iPhone (from before I met BF) so he doesn’t know the number, and set up a new Instagram account. I put a few fake photos of an attractive woman (I know this was stupid please don’t judge me.) I started following him and I sent him a message. Very innocuous about his hobby. Anyway, long story short fake me and him are now talking everyday about him, his life; everything, it’s gone over to WhatsApp, instigated by him, and it’s a continuous conversation.

he has told “her” about me and he veers between being respectful of me and testing boundaries. The implication is we’re very stressed and not very happy as a couple right now. He wants to meet around a hobby group that “we” both have in common (my fake profile and him) but is sitting in the camp of “friends” at the moment. He has sent both pics of him alone and pics of him and me but has implied that he can meet “her” alone and I will not be there.

honestly all I am feeling from this is that I hate myself. I feel dirty and like I am the deceptive one. I think I wanted to know for certain whether he was open to other people or not or whether I should protect my heart or not. And I am still on the fence. If I confronted him with any of this there is nothing in particular I could accuse him of, even if he “showed” me the messages. Willingness to meet someone else about a hobby, responding to very direct buttons being pushed by me under my fake profile in his specific areas of interest. Or am I being delusional?

one slight spanner in the works is that we always from the beginning of our relationship agreed that we would both like to have a threesome at some point with another woman. In the last 6 months we have talked about it quite a bit but life has got in the way including the death of my dad. So even some of the offering to meet this woman alone could also fall under this banner (“I was meeting her for us”.)

I am now stuck. I can’t take it to any conclusion - unless you have any bright ideas of things I should ask him while I am still pretending? And I feel guilty and embarrassed I have done it.

just wanted to vent and there is no way I am telling my friends or anyone IRL I have done this

You're both behaving badly here. You need to end the relationship for both your sakes, honestly. And it sounds like you'd actually benefit from some time being single and looking after yourself a bit for a while. Counselling might be a good idea. You're obviously not in a good place right now.

Stop this right now OP.

This is just going to get worse and worse. And I can tell you that this is going to hurt you a whole lot more.

Ghost him. Do whatever you need to, but just stop it.

Then decide what you want to do about your relationship.

End it now.
This will do you no good.

Set up a date between fake you and him and turn up yourself

In my view, if you are open to threesomes I don't think you can really expect fidelity. I appreciate that is a narrower version of relationships than some have but it's worked for me!

I hate that bloody song!

The adrenaline rushes are probably anxiety from the situation you are in

Maybe Fake You has just met a (different) wonderful new man / been offered her dream job abroad etc…so she can longer be in contact with him

I hadn't heard the song until The Sweetest thing. God bless Chrisitna and Cameron 😂

I think using the other person’s photo without her consent is bad. There was a thread some time ago when OP’s friend did this for OP (it was a friend whom BF didn’t know) so I think it was ok. In your case you don’t know what kind of implications it might trigger for the other woman, it might be serious.
I would break up with him on the basis that you were not happy in the relationship. In the meantime I would stop any activity on the fake account. I’m not sure yet if you should tell him about it or not but I would certainly not use it as a reason for break up.

@Naunet

Are you for real? You think losing a loved one gives you a free pass to intentionally and purposefully manipulate and play with other peoples feelings and emotions.... and try to trick them into having an affair? The original poster is unhinged and the death of a parent may have triggered it but it certainly doesn't excuse it. Other petite are not none playing characters in the ops life. They are real people with feelings and they deserve better than this fuckwittery.

You don't need therapy.
What you have done is common enough - not great but people do it.
You've set up a fake profile to try to catch out your boyfriend who you didn't trust 100%

Now he's proved what you set out to do, just end it with him.

You don't need to dwell on a 3-some. That was never going to happen.

End it and maybe do some hard thinking over what you want in a relationship and don't put up with men who clearly don't care that much.

Agree with this. Years ago my friend said there was a dating profile on the site he was on full of my photos but a different name. Luckily my friend found it and that my DP is a chill, non suspicious bloke, but it made me so conscious of putting my pics anywhere on SM.

Hopefully the pictures you used aren't a person's private pics, but of a photo shoot that can be traced as such. If I had found who used mine I would've went ape shit and fully exposed them.

Brilliant!!

Dont get it.

I mean this kindly, but I don't think you can come back from this.

There will never be complete trust, on either side, after this.

But also, what you did isn't normal behaviour. Even from someone who is grieving a loss.

I would recommend that you stop playing games and concentrate on living with Real people in Real Life.
Stop the fictitious character. No word need be said to anyone.

What order?

1. Delete the deceptive social media accounts.
2. Get rid of that number.
3. Break up with BF without telling him what you’ve done.
4. If he wants a reason, cite your bereavement, his lack of support and say it’s difficult to be in a relationship right now.
5. Get some therapy.

This is bonkers

Hia behavior could have been worse, if he wanted to cheat he could have lied about his relationship with you but he didn't. He shouldn't have sent your pic without your consent.

I would still end things. You say you like the advice to continue and to stop - can't have it both ways and it makes me think you aren't really taking this seriously.

It is normal behaviour (ie not someone totally deranged) to set up a fake account to test someone's behaviour if you think they are cheating.

Stop making the OP sound deranged. You're gaslighting her.

This part of MN (Relationships) is full of similar examples.

Just because it's not very ethical to use another photo doesn't mean the OP needs therapy.

MN is full of examples of women accessing their partner's phone, snooping, checking CC statements, looking in their car, etc etc.

None of this is 'right' but it shows insecurity.

It is not normal behaviour whatsoever. If he was doing this to her would that be ok?

Personally on the fake account I would be direct.

I fancy you, if you have a girlfriend. Would you cheat / dump her for me? And go from there.

What a total shitshow. The situation and the thread. You have made your messy, difficult life even messier now so I do think there's an element of trauma/brain chemistry affecting your decision making here OP. I am not going to add to the pain by berating you but for your own sake I'd advise you to untangle your life, step away from the drama and try to simplify your life and your headspace for your own sanity and peace of mind. You sound so unhappy and confused. It's painful to read about a life like this. Threesomes, wondering eye partners, catfishing and awful self esteem will not be helping your mindset at all.