How to stop helping this person

[Helptostop66666]

I am getting extremely distressed at the amount of money I've been giving someone and I need help to stop. They have been leaning on me now for 18 months. They have approx £100 a week off me and never return it. They have been out of work well over a year. There's no sign of them returning. They constantly need milk. food, tobacco etc. I realise now how fucked up it all is. I almost feel used. I cringe so much at what I do.

I don't know how to stop this behaviour.

I hide the whole relationship from them. I'm so ashamed.

If he keeps pestering you, tell him you will call the Police and don't hesitate to do so. You sound vulnerable but you have kids, so wise up. Protect yourself and kids. You don't owe this man anything. Block.

Change the lock - he hasn't lost the key at all IMO.

Fucking hell, what a vile waster of a man. You don't need to just stop giving him money you need to get him out your life. He is financially abusing and using you. That money could go on your kids! Days out, memories but instead it's going on some tramp who probably smokes weed and gambles. I wouldn't feel guilty about him not eating etc he is abusing and taking advantage if your nice nature. You're gonna just have to block him. I thought my exh was bad asking for a tenner etc once we had broken up and I was bringing 2 kids up with bills whilst he lived with parents. Stop this right now cuz he certainly doesn't care about you so dont give a fuck about him.

@Helptostop66666 oh lovely. I was in a very similar situation to yourself and in the end I was left with 20ks worth of debt. Don't beat yourself up about it, you are more than likely being manipulated to the highest degree and it's all full well people saying " just stop. Walk away. End it " but the reality of the situation is you've been conditioned now and it's so bloody hard!!!

For every £1 I was giving him, he had at least two other women giving him more. He never went skint even though he pleaded poverty.

Detatch yourself step by step and it's really important to talk to family and friends because you need the support and courage from them.

Stay strong 🩷

You are being used. But luckily there is a radical quick solution.
You tell him "This is no longer working for me, I am not your Mother, & I am not a Bank. I am not funding you any more. This relationship has ended.
Goodbye."
Block him on everything & take care of yourself & your children,

OP, are you vulnerable or have been vulnerable in the past, been in an abusive relationship with a partner or parents?
Because he sounds like he targeted you, groomed you with emotional manipulation and is just pulling on your heartstrings to get you to do what he wants.

He is NOT your responsibility. Change the locks, tell him not to visit you again that the relationship is over. Block him on all SM and communication methods. If he comes to your home don't open the door, tell him to go away through it and if he doesn't tell him you will ring the police. If he plays the suicide card then you ring the police to do a welfare check and he won't do it again.

You aren't attracted to him and he certainly isn't a good enough role model to be anywhere near your children. Think about it this way - he has stolen money from your children. Think of the holiday you could have had for £7k. He has stolen you time that could have been spent with the children, or self care, or pursuing hobbies for yourself, he has stolen space in your head because you are distracted and not enjoying time with your children.

You need to end it and get your locks changed. If he keeps calls, ignore it. If he comes round, don't answer the door.

If this persists, call the Police.

He's taken you for an absolute mug for long enough. It doesn't sound like you even like him.

Do yourself a favour and get out.

Fags and virgin tv package are not essentials when you are skint and taking someone elses money!

youve told him you cant do this anymore
block him on your phone/email/social media
change the locks
if he turns up, dont answer door
white knuckle this for 12 weeks, put all of your energy into you and your children. £400 could do so much for the kids with that
if ge threatens suicide call the police for a welfare check

best of luck op. Stay strong x

'Before I came away he walked home on the morning. 3 hours it took him to let me know he wasn't in the flat yet. He lost his key to the flat door. 4 weeks ago he lost the other key. It's so bizarre how these keys are gone. He just distresses me so much with his bullshit. I tried to leave 3 weeks ago and he distressed me so much I just chased him for answers.'

Whose flat is 'the flat' - if he loses keys to his own flat, why is it your problem? Or does he stay at your place some/all of the time?

Sounds like you need to block him on absolutely everything if he's going to pester you into submission.

Copied this because you need yo undrstabd that its his Disorder that is causing this. However, just because they threatened suicide. That does not mean you have to keep giving to them block them. He's obviously not a boyfriend to you. He is manipulative and he certainly doesn't care about you. And what he's doing. He will just keep doing this until he gets his own way. Unfortunately, if you Google borderline personality disorder. Sometimes this is what happens myself. I do actually have borderline personality disorder. But I don't do that. Not. I have never, ever used anybody for money. So it doesn't always manifest in that way. What I am saying is though there are elements that this is showing and it can be very hard to be a partner. With somebody that has borderline personality disorder, that's why I am currently single
People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) may exhibit manipulative behaviors that stem from their fear of abandonment and emotional instability. These behaviors can include:

Threatening and begging

Feigning distress

Flattery

Gaslighting

Emotional blackmail

Love-bombing

Seduction

Excessive crying

Threats of self-harm

Dramatic expressions of emotio

He isn't going to.die if you.stop.helping him. Just message him saying, I'm breaking up.with you as I feel.like an ATM with you and there's no sign that you'll ever go back to.work. my money needs to go on my children, not your tobacco and virgin! Then block him. You deserve so.much better, don't take him back. Ignore him. How are you supposed to.find someone better 8f you're stuck with this user.

The money you’re giving to him should be spent on or saved for your kids’ future. He won’t starve; he can be referred to a foodbank. There are mental health helplines he can access if needed. Your energy and focus should be on yourself and your children. Be strong for them! You can do this.

The only things that can clean you out that fast are drugs and gambling. That may be why he lost his job and can't get another one.
Any way you look at it he's a loser and a user.

He isn't going to change. He is only going to get worse. When they are manipulating, controlling you and using you to this extent the next step is usually physical abuse if you start saying no to them. Dump him and stop going back. Block him and delete his number so you cannot see his whining and manipulating texts or get any phone calls. Use the money you save for therapy to find out why you've settled for less than you deserve.

Just dump him. He's not your boyfriend, he's using you for cash.
Tell him there is no more money and no more relationship. Then block him.
Do not even try and get him to pay you back because he'll just continue to manipulate you.
If he needs money he can claim benefits or get a job or both. Just like everyone else. It is not your problem. If you give him one more penny you will just end up hating yourself.

You are taking thousands that could be saved for your children to spend on this useless loser?

Why???

Can you please contactWomen's Aid right away?

Trust us, he is not going to kill himself. A druggie or gambler will just find someone else to swindle.

Please.

Spend the £100 a week on therapy for yourself.

He’s using you as a cash cow. I hope you’ve blocked him.

OP, why are you giving money that should be for your children to this loser?
You have given him 5-8 thousand that could be for your childrens future.

How could you do that?
Please put your children first.
Is he more important than your own children?
It is really sad if he is.
If not, then keep saying to yourself that "my children need this money" on a loop.

Losers like him always find another mug.
He will move on if you block him.

Your children deserve better than this.
Random losers should never come ahead of your children.
Good luck.

Forget about the money for a second and ask yourself is this the kind of person you really want to be in a relationship/spend the rest of your life with? The answer (hopefully!) is no. I'd cut my losses and assume I'll never have the money repaid and dump him.

Well done for messaging him, OP. Now mute your phone and stay strong. You and your kids deserve better.....

The only way to stop is to go cold turkey.

Remind yourself every day that this is a co-dependent relationship and that you are enabling him as well as hurting yourself and giving famly money away.

Inform him the relationship is over and that you'll be blocking his number.

If he contacts you in any other way or threatens suicide involve the appropriate emergency services. Don't respond other than to say that you've called them.

Giving in doesn't help him and ultimately hurts your children as their Mum is upset and anxious. It makes little difference that they don't physically see him.

I think some therapy would help, so that you stay free of him and get support for what you've been through. It's like an addiction, you're convincing yourself you need to do something but it's just not true.

Time to be strong for you and your children.

You aren't in a relationship op. You are just an atm. Gather up your self respect while you have a thread left. And block him in all ways. He must be laughing his socks off at you.