New man and his drinking habits

[Sundaycoffee]

I've been seeing a new man for about 5 weeks now, so very early days but have started to notice his drinking habits and wondering if they were something to be concerned about?
He appears to spend a lot of time in the pub. In the last week (since Friday) he has been every single day except Monday. It always either socially (for example Saturday with his Dad and Sunday with me) or for a quick drink after work. Tuesday/Wednesday)
He will only have one or two and it doesn't affect his behaviour in any way. He treats me really well, emotionally available, communicative, (a great cook!) and I am happy, but this is niggling at me a little...
Do I have the right to talk to him about it this early on? Or do I just keep an eye?

I don't go to the pub much so his lifestyle would not be for me. I'm not sure what you want to talk to him about, but he's unlikely to change.

I suppose it's more about how much he is drinking as opposed to physically being in the pub. It doesn't bother me that he goes there when I'm not around (he doesnt prioritise the pub over other plans with me) and he said before he does it for social interaction as he mainly works from home.
I don't tend to drink at all during the week if I am alone so just not the norm for me.

What are you expecting from the conversation?

Do I have the right to talk to him about it this early on?

As in, to say to him that you think it is too much alcohol? Or to many days a week perhaps?

I'd say no you don't really have the right to do that so early on. Either be fine with it or stop seeing him.

I recently dated a man that I used to know from school and a few weeks in found out that he was an alcoholic. There were red flags such as his comment when we were out for a meal that he would rather have another pint of Guinness than finish his food . This started to ring alarm bells for me. He would also go to the pub after work but then drink and drive. One instance he picked me up to go for a meal and I realised he was slurring his words as we drove off. I soon got out of that relationship ! Drink driving is a huge no for me

Id try to gauge how much hes actually drinking over all. Dont make a big thing of it or he will minimise it. Watch how often hes at the pub/drinking at home. That should tell you. If hes a raging alcoholic, id just end the relationship tbh. He will promise you the earth but his drinking will not change

Interesting one. I'd want to get more of a feeling for it. Does he have any other interests/ social interactions or is this main way of meeting people? I wouldn't so much mind it being a regular thing if it really is only one or two and he's available for other things, but if he does other stuff too. WFH all day can get quite isolated. Does he do any exercise, gym, walks, runs if not sport? There's that aspect too.

I don't think it's necessarily a deal-breaker as part of a full life, but I wouldn't want a barfly. I did a lot of bar work as a student and some community pubs were like this, everyone popping in for one on the way home. It wasn't really about the booze. Non alc beers are good these days.

To me, basing your social life to an extent around the pub isn't that much of a red flag. It's kind of old school, but twenty odd years ago I'd say was probably the norm. If you did drink, you'd often have a couple after work with colleagues, then different pubs with friends and family at weekends. As long as he's not getting flat out pissed I wouldn't worry. Or spending all night there.
If he can afford it, doesn't prioritise drink over other things, his personality doesn't change when he drinks, then I'd say it's fine.
If I was anti drink or in recovery it would be another story entirely though.

How old is he?

I think it depends on his job. If his role involves after work drinks to (for example) entertain clients that’s very different to just going to the pub every day because he wants to.

I agree - I wouldn't start trying to change someone's behaviour after 5 weeks. Just find someone who already behaves they way you want or accept this guy the way he is.

I had a drink in a pub garden on my way home from work on Monday, then on Tuesday I had a drink at someone's home for their birthday, although the aim had been to have one on a terrace. Wednesday night I met a friend because again it was a pleasant evening and I'm hoping to do the same tomorrow and Saturday night. The weather's nice and I'd rather be out having a drink than at home all evening.
Should my bf tell me off?

So he feels slightly isolated working from home so goes out for human interaction most nights which involves a pint or two? When I was in my 20's in the City I went to the pub 5 nights a week, who wants to go back to a lonely home on their own! (Especially if they've been on their own all day) good for him.

I think so long as he's not falling over drunk every night or drink driving and being abusive when drunk then I really don't really see why you need to keep and eye or change anything.

If you want to change him already then this isn't going to work!

Sounds social
Habitual not heavy drinking

once he has something at home not to go to the pub for it will probably stop

What a boring life.

No volunteering?

No hobbies?

No friends to visit?

Not for me.

I don’t know about rights, in answer to your question. But I do know that drinking too much alcohol is a pernicious, destructive and miserable problem for all concerned,

I understand why he does it if he works from home. I can imagine that must be soul destroying if you live alone.

@Sundaycoffee does he drink at home too? In the 5 weeks you have been seeing him are you aware of any days he hasn’t drank?

Does he only have one or two?

He sounds like a really dull man to me, is there nothing else going on in his life outside of work other than going to the pub?

Does he not go to the gym, do any evening classes, have any hobbies or interests other than propping up the bar at his local?

I can assure you there are plenty of dull people who don't go to the pub. In fact, probably even more so.

Volunteering lol. It's nit enough to work full time, but you expect people to have a second job they do for free as well.

As for visiting friends, they'd probably suggest going to the pub!

Apologies if I have missed it, but has OP told us he doesn't have hobbies or friends?

It's possible to have both. Indeed, some people pursue their hobbies/and or meet friends, in the pub! There are pub cricket teams, give aside football teams etc.....

OP, as you state, I don't think the fact that he likes to spend time down the pub is any kind of problem - if we still had a nice local pub and it wasn't too expensive I would do this too - pubs are often at the heart of a community!

Daily alcohol drinking, however, is a possible concern. (Are you sure he isn't have zero alcohol beer on some of these occasions? It's in many pubs on draft now and becoming much more popular).

Because he is, from the sounds of it, only having fairly moderate amounts, he may not believe himself to have any kind of issues around alcohol. It's a common misconception that people with addiction issues are stumbling around pissed constantly having gin for breakfast..... Almost none of them are.....

My husband and I are now both sober and have been for a few years. We had started drinking on an almost daily basis, not generally to massive excess, but it was something that crept up on us..... I probably had more of an issue with it than him, to be honest, but he quit with me as it makes it much, much easier....

People on here like to say that people with alcohol issues never get sober, will always lie to you, etc etc. Quite patently that is not the case, as it is not possible to generalise like this.

If you really like the guy, I would mention it, see if he knows how much he is drinking or would consider keeping a track of it, consider building in at least a couple of booze free days a week. It might be something he has been worrying about, and you may find he is relieved to talk about it. If it did turn out he is worrying about it, and would like to try to go completely sober, is that something you feel you could commit to joining him in?

Why the hate on this guy? Just because he does to the pub, how does this possibly indicate he has "nothing else in his life"?

Why would it be more interesting if he went to the gym? I would HATE to listen to someone banging on about the weights they had lifted at the gym. I would much rather here about who they met at the pub and the conversations they had.....

Do most people really do evening classes? I literally don't think I know anybody who does. My friends and I must be really boring.

When I worked in a pub, there was a cohort of around 25-30 locals that frequented the pub most days. Some had drinking problems, some worked in a local firm, that finished work at 5pm, in the pub for 5.10pm, one pint, home by 6pm. They didn’t have drinking problems but ‘the pub’ is so intrinsically ingrained in to some people (especially men) that it’s just the norm. I’d struggle to date someone who frequented the pub so often, but I know many nice guys that do. Especially single guys that have never really settled down. Walk in the pub and you’ve instantly got a social crowd, whether that’s the barmaid, the old bloke in the corner, the village idiot, the young guys playing pool. The pub I worked in was very much a locals pub, I bloke walked in once who broke down in his car outside, he walked in for water and a six headed alien may as well have strolled on in as far as the regulars were concerned.