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Original poster

New man and his drinking habits

64 replies

Sundaycoffee · 29/08/2024 15:32

I've been seeing a new man for about 5 weeks now, so very early days but have started to notice his drinking habits and wondering if they were something to be concerned about?
He appears to spend a lot of time in the pub. In the last week (since Friday) he has been every single day except Monday. It always either socially (for example Saturday with his Dad and Sunday with me) or for a quick drink after work. Tuesday/Wednesday)
He will only have one or two and it doesn't affect his behaviour in any way. He treats me really well, emotionally available, communicative, (a great cook!) and I am happy, but this is niggling at me a little...
Do I have the right to talk to him about it this early on? Or do I just keep an eye?

OP posts:
halava · 30/08/2024 18:22

There is an unhealthy obsession from some MNers about alcohol and pubs. It's never right and the preaching is often way over the top like it is here IMO. I don't drink but occasionally drop into the local pub for a soft drink and a chat/bit of banter with those there - most of whom I know. It's not a crime to go to a pub.

I doubt this man will be around much longer if controlling GF is concerned about what appears to be socialising with a few beers thrown in. Far better that the man can communicate with others, and doesn't sit in a cave at home playing virtual games on his own all night I'd say.

Give it a bit of time. Op has said his social habits don't interfere with anything to do with his time with her. So what's the problem?

Lookingforunicorns · 30/08/2024 20:38

Depends.
It's not the pub that's that problem per se. In fact pubs are great social spaces.
It's the alcohol.
If he's in the 45+ age group and is a habitual regular drinker most nights per week, then he will be in ill health as he ages.
It wouldn't be for me, especially if he's older than you.

Gwenhwyfar · 30/08/2024 21:13

" Far better that the man can communicate with others, and doesn't sit in a cave at home playing virtual games on his own all night I'd say."

Yes, it's this social aspect that probably explains why plenty of people in the blue zones like a few drinks. The walk to the pub and the socialising once there.

Gwenhwyfar · 30/08/2024 21:17

"Do most people really do evening classes? I literally don't think I know anybody who does. My friends and I must be really boring."

I've done them for a large part of my life. They're a good thing to do, but they don't contribute to my social life half as much as going to the pub does.

pinkyredrose · 30/08/2024 21:17

He's allowed to go to the pub if he wants, it doesn't sound like he drinks excessively just enjoys the social aspect.

No way should you mention it, surely you wouldn't like it if the tables were turned and he asked why you go to the park/running club etc so often?

Viviennemary · 30/08/2024 21:19

Dump him. Waste of time.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 30/08/2024 21:22

It's a nope from me.

Timeforaglassofwine · 30/08/2024 21:28

I think if you are single and live alone its not abnormal to go to a pub most nights. My brother does this most nights - takes the dog for a walk and calls into the pub for a quick pint on the way home. It's no different really to dh and I having. A glass of wine at night with dinner. It's what you feel comfortable with though op. I dated someone when I was a teenager who was already alcohol dependent. I would arrange to meet at his home and he would have gone in to the pub already before me.

weAllWanttheBest · 30/08/2024 21:32

it is very normalised behaviour even between married women with kids....but if it is not for you, don't go with him. I could not live with a man like that. He is meant to see me after work, not random strangers at pubs

PurpleDiva22 · 30/08/2024 21:37

I wouldn't have a conversation around him changing his habit, way too early for that! I think if you don't like his lifestyle he's not for you. End it, be honest about why, and it's up to him to suggest he changes his lifestyle if he wants to stay seeing you.

Allelbowsandtoes · 30/08/2024 21:40

If you don't think it'll work for you OP then you're welcome to end it and I think you'd be reasonable to. If you prefer not to drink in the week then seeing him in the week regularly might be difficult. How would it work if you moved in together, would he give up his regular pub socials?

5128gap · 30/08/2024 21:55

I completely disagree that you can't 'bring it up with him'. Whyever not? You're in the early stages of assessing whether he's right for you to have a relationship with. If he's a problem drinker you need to know sooner rather than later. Presumably you're having sex with the man, yet people think you should be coy about mentioning his drinking? You don't need to be accusatory or judgemental to say that you wouldn't want to date a drinker, so is drinking a big deal to him.

Sidebeforeself · 30/08/2024 22:05

Well what are your habits OP? Any patterns in your behaviour that might be red flags?

CheekyHobson · 30/08/2024 22:16

Daily drinking would be a red flag for me. Alcohol addiction is progressive. Alcoholics start out drinking a lot less than they end up drinking and a daily drinking habit is asking for trouble in my opinion.

Andoutcomethewolves · 30/08/2024 23:06

Hmm if he really is only drinking one or two for the social aspect and doesn't prioritise it over other stuff I don't see that as massively problematic tbh. If you said that twice a week he gets so drunk he can't walk or talk, or he's drinking a four pack alone in his flat every night, then I'd be worried.

Wfh can be very isolating and while, yes, he could get hobbies instead, most men I know who mention 'hobbies' are talking about activities that are also pretty isolating - gym, gaming, cycling, running etc. And even if they're part of eg a running club they'll probably end up in the pub after anyway!

But it's your life OP. I think 5 weeks in is too soon to start trying to change someone - I mean it's not like you're available every night, is it? So what's he meant to do, sit at home alone so he doesn't upset you? I think if it bothers you that much you're probably better off leaving now. Personally if you like the guy I'd just keep a bit of an eye on it to make sure it doesn't escalate.

CeruleanBelt · 30/08/2024 23:13

I wouldn't want to be with someone who drinks alcohol every day. I hate pub culture, i hate drunk people and can't be arsed with people that need alcohol to relax.

I wouldn't tell him off about it, i just wouldn't see him again.

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/08/2024 23:16

Sounds like you may not be compatible.

Frith2013 · 31/08/2024 00:18

Gwenhwyfar · 30/08/2024 15:32

Volunteering lol. It's nit enough to work full time, but you expect people to have a second job they do for free as well.

As for visiting friends, they'd probably suggest going to the pub!

Show quote history

Goodness, you can definitely judge a woman by the quality of the company she keeps.

I don't know anyone who doesn't volunteer at least occasionally.

Maybe it's different for those in urban areas.

PurpleDiva22 · 31/08/2024 00:41

Goodness, you can definitely judge a woman by the quality of the company she keeps.

🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

JumalanTerve · 31/08/2024 07:33

This sounds to me like the definition of a healthy, social relationship with alcohol and pubs. But if it's not for you, that's completely fine - you're just not compatible

Trebol · 31/08/2024 07:38

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at the poster's request

CeruleanBelt · 31/08/2024 07:51

Frith2013 · 31/08/2024 00:18

Goodness, you can definitely judge a woman by the quality of the company she keeps.

I don't know anyone who doesn't volunteer at least occasionally.

Maybe it's different for those in urban areas.

Show quote history

Hyacinth Bucket has entered the chat.

ElaineMBenes · 31/08/2024 07:56

You've just described my DH when I met him.
He went to the pub most days for social interaction. He lived alone and that's where his friends would be.

The frequency dropped once he was in a relationship and we had kids. He still goes out but he's not in there every day.

5128gap · 31/08/2024 08:11

Sidebeforeself · 30/08/2024 22:05

Well what are your habits OP? Any patterns in your behaviour that might be red flags?

How on earth is that relevant? OP isn't dating herself, is she? If her would be partner has concerns about her behaviour he could start a thread somewhere to discuss those himself.

DrunkTinkerbell40s · 31/08/2024 08:23

This wouldn't be a red flag for me. You've only been dating 5 weeks so he's probably still keeping to his single rituals. A quick social pint after work most days is no big deal. When I worked in London I knew lots of people that did that before getting train home, all had successful jobs and happy marriages x