He called me selfish!

[AllAlone36]

Very long story short, we've been together 8 years, married 3 of those.
Husband has kids to his ex we normally have his kids EOW. I don't have any children of my own
Now, we both work full time Monday to Friday and every other Saturday in a very heavy & stressful job so every other weekend for kids has always worked for us. We've also had them a lot during the summer holidays, we went on a weeks holiday.

His ex, as much as I get on with her she is a nice person just recently every weekend asking us to have kids and we always say yes we will do it.
So the one weekend we had to ourselves this month we've got the kids again.
I've been honest with hubby and just said, it'd be nice for us to have 1 weekend to ourselves with how busy we always are. And to that he called me selfish.

Am I being unreasonable wanting that bit of time for us so we can relax and enjoy eachothers company or am I actually being selfish?

Of course you're not being selfish. I would go out more as I wouldn't want my life to revolve around someone else's children and I'm assuming he does the majority of grunt work as well.

You don't have children, so in that regard you're not being selfish.
But he does have kids. In the natural order of things, he'd be with his kids every single day. You have to understand that having his kids every other weekend isn't what every parent dreams of. It's the bare minimum to even have a shimmer of a relationship with your children. Loads of people work full-time and still manage to have their children 50 or even 100% of the time.

So as much as I understand that you - as a childless person - want time alone with your husband, he's not a childless person. Time alone doesn't really exist for parents. He's trying to be a present father. Good for him. I can imagine it must be frustrating for him to hear that he has to choose between being somewhat present in his childrens' lives, or keeping you happy. And as much as I understand you, I don't see you empathize with him at all. You're looking tat this from the perspective of a childless person. He isn't childless.

People with children have no free time unless they arrange a babysitter. They don't get one weekend a month without children unless they have someone to watch the children, and even then they'd feel guilty for leaving their kids with a sitter. If that isn't something you can live with, then don't be with a man who has children.

I think this is the price you can pay when you take on a man with kids. He will always want his kids around him and so will prioritise time with them over alone time with you.

You are not selfish though. He was probably just lashing out.

I don't think you're selfish as such, but I do think you have unrealistic expectations of what it means to be married to someone with children.

It also doesn't sound like your husband has really been bothered with his kids up until now, as seeing them twice a month is pretty pathetic in the grand scheme of things.

So it sounds like you've gotten used t

Posted too soon:

So it sounds like you've gotten used to being with a man who does the absolute bare minimum and now he's doing more, you don't like it.

Realistically, you get loads of child-free time together already, even if it's not as much you're used to.

If you want a partner that you can spend a considerable amount of weekends alone with, then a man with children probably isn't the right person for you.

No you’re not selfish.

Maybe you could suggest a middle ground of if he wants the children more that they come after school an evening a week for dinner or something along those lines.

People often say selfish, when they mean you don’t do exactly what they want. You don’t have children so l can see why you don’t want every weekend taken over by someone else’s children. Sounds like a nightmare. But the flip side is he does have children so it sounds like he now does want to be more involved

Selfishness is always painted as a purely negative thing, especially in women. But it's not. Meeting your own needs is incredibly important. This is a need of yours. Now, his need is to maximise his time with his children. Also, not an issue. He can't do that by pretending you have no needs.

Essentially you need to decide if you can meet both sets of needs. If you can't, the likelihood is that you will need to part. If he can't have a proper adult conversation about it, you'll have to part anyway.

I would try to have the conversation about your needs without it being about his kids. Pick a neutral time. "DH, I need to talk to you about down time." <wait> see if he has a comment to make. Then use when...I feel...because...please... "When I don't get downtime I feel stressed and unhappy. Because time with you and me just alone is important to me. Please can we discuss how to have family and couple time." <wait> see if he has a comment. Really listen.

If he calls you selfish, I'd say (calmly), "I do need to make sure I'm OK as well as everyone else, yes". Try not to argue. Address points calmly and cooperatively. HI shame-calling is meant to shut you up. Don't let it.

Weekly, the kids come twice in the week for tea.
We've been having them nearly every weekend, school holidays we've put holiday days in at work to have them. The weekends we don't have them we go to theirs Sunday mornings to see them.

Thing is, he left his ex and kids 2 years before we even met. He'd already made the choice to be a part time dad.
His ex, since she's got a new fella has wanted us to have the kids every weekend.

I love his kids as my own they call me their second mum, with their mums blessing of course.

I don't want him all myself all the time not by a long shot but with work being so busy at the moment and other family commitments though the week and at the weekends, I didn't think I was being unreasonable just asking for one weekend where we can try to relax & unwind. I feel burned out.

When the kids are with us, I do the cooking for everyone I do the looking after, hubby only gets involved if kids don't listen to me. I do bedtimes, playtimes, planning days out.

Is he offloading much of the care on you op? I think the kids should be his responsibility and anything you have to do with them would be nice, but not always expected. It would be the right thing to do and great for relations all round if you maintain a good relationship with them. I also think that if you’re not expecting him to drop his kids for you, you’re not being selfish. But they should come first for him. It depends on what exactly your expectations are for him and what you want to do at the weekend as to whether you’re being selfish.

Well, from your update he sounds rather pointless and I would be reconsidering my entire marriage if I were you 🤷‍♀️

Sorry, posted before I saw your update. Now I think he’s the one being selfish. You are stepping up more than him. Those kids are lucky you’re in the picture.

Tell him you're going out at the weekend with friends, see what happens

When the kids are with us, I do the cooking for everyone I do the looking after, hubby only gets involved if kids don't listen to me. I do bedtimes, playtimes, planning days out.

Why?

You know what's happened? He's done the thing so many men do. He's got himself a free nanny who shags him. It cuts down the CS he has to pay AND the work he has to do. Now it looks like the fembot is malfunctioning, he's trying name-calling to repair you. If that doesn't work he'll try something else.

Has it occurred to either of you that a man who does nothing for his children is more selfish than anyone else?

OP, sounds as if you've become a nanny with a fanny. I suggest you start shifting that load to your husband. Go out for the day, visit your family or friends. Remind him that HE is the children's parent so needs to BE the children's parent. When the children want something start saying "Ask your dad". He's not going to take the responsibility on his own.

I think that making him step up may not end up giving you more couple times but taking back your own time may make you feel less resentful.

Oh wow. And he calls you selfish? He's selfish. He should take care of his kids. He should cook for them and raise them.
If it's too much can't you work less? I have 3 kids. Divorced. Got a new partner who would always go whine if they came extra and he never had to do a thing. My ex was always like: oh hey I'm gonna go fishing or whatever. Can you take em? Always last minute, but I didn't care. I thought it was great. I'm their mom. The new guy would freak out. He was also autistic, so that made it extra unhandy. He wanted a routine and 2 weeks notice. He was selfish and I was selfish. Kids come first. I stopped dating and bought a rabbit instead. He married a woman and got no kids but a dog. My sweet angels made him never want to get kids LOL.

These are the things you need to stop doing OP:

Stop cooking & cleaning up after your DSC
Stop booking activities for them
Stop going to see them on a Sunday morning, DP can go in his own
Stop using your annual leave on them
Stop spending your weekends with them
Stop bathing them and putting them to bed etc

All of these are your DP's job and I guarantee that if he has to do all of these things, he will stop having his kids over as much, but conversely you will be doing them a favour, because they will actually see their father more.

Instead of disappearing and sitting on his phone or whatever when the kids are visiting, he will have to actively engage with them, because you aren't there to pick up his slack.

Go out more independently, book a week's holiday with your girlfriends and arrange some lunches and brunches with your mates for the weekend.

Let your DP actually parent his own kids and you make sure you get some downtime, these are not your children, this is not your job.

It's your DP who has been hugely selfish in offloading all of the parenting, and cooking and cleaning that comes with it onto you and if you step back, he can step up (though what's likely to happen is he'll get pissed off at you, have his kids round less and still be a shitty father).

I didn't see that you do all the grunt work OP. He's having a laugh at your expense but what on earth are you thinking?! Why are you acting like a free housemaid?

Maybe it's time for a little shake-up? They could perhaps go for 50/50 instead where you have the kids one week on/one week off. That way it's not so chopped up and both parties gets a whole week off from having to think about pick-ups, drop-offs, hobbies etc.

Also, you need to stop doing everything for everyone. They are not your responsibility. You should get the fun stuff that comes with parenting, not the responsibility and drudgery. That needs changing asap.

When the kids are with us, I do the cooking for everyone I do the looking after, hubby only gets involved if kids don't listen to me. I do bedtimes, playtimes, planning days out.

ah ha so here is the real issue. Your partner isn’t even parenting his children when he actually has them, you are. They are HIS children so he should be doing the majority of the parenting. It’s nice that you feel so strongly towards them and want to have an active part in parenting them but it shouldn’t be you doing the lions share.

you need to sit your partner down and tell him you’re sick of being his unpaid childcare and that he needs to pull his finger out and step up.

So basically, as others have said before me, the problem isn't that he's spending more time with his children.
The problem is that he's gotten used to dumping all of his childrens' care on you. So more time with the kids, means much more work for you.
Stop taking care of his children, at least until he's started doing it himself. Make yourself unavailable at random times. Go out and enjoy time with your friends. Read a book, stay in your bedroom, don't go to sunday mornings with the kids.
Step parents are at most a fun adult. Take them our for ice cream or to see a movie. Leave cooking and laundry and bedtime to him.

You are doing way too much for his dc @AllAlone36 . He's the selfish one. Please read above post and all the other posts on here, people have made excellent points

You are absolutely not selfish. You do more for your husband’s children’s than he does. You are a wonderful second mum.