Page 2 | He called me selfish!

Bourneo · 02/09/2024 07:04

Seriously, a lot of these comments are so unfair! And judgemental. No you are not being unreasonable, the kids mum is taking the mick. Of course it's ok to want 1 child free weekend. People saying you're child free are wrong, you are a mum. You do a lot for your step kids and you need a break too or you'll burn out. I'm a single mum and I'd never survive without the weekends my children are with their dad. I need that break. So do you x

SpeculatingRooks · 02/09/2024 07:05

How many kids are there and how old? If he left his kids 10 years ago how are you doing bedtime and playtime?

You need to start doing your own thing at the weekend.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 02/09/2024 07:21

@AllAlone36 so what is dad doing while you are parenting his kids???

CornishIrish · 02/09/2024 07:33

You sound lovely but HE is taking the piss. Definitely take time for yourself, the fact that the kids call you second Mum is lovely but he needs to be their first Dad. Get out for a few weeks and make him realise how amazing you are. He needs to step up.

honeylulu · 02/09/2024 07:46

When the kids are with us, I do the cooking for everyone I do the looking after, hubby only gets involved if kids don't listen to me. I do bedtimes, playtimes, planning days out.

Why oh why oh why are you doing all this??? No wonder he's happy with the status quo if you're doing all the grunt work and he just gets to play smug bountiful father.

Just stop. He can have the kids over as much as he likes but looking after and entertaining them is his job. If he doesn't want to put the graft in, tell him he's selfish. See how he likes them apples.

honeylulu · 02/09/2024 07:50

It's also not lost on me that the mum wants to get rid of the kids every weekend so she can fawn over her new boyfriend (yuck) and yet your husband isn't calling HER selfish!

Poor kids.

Jaybail · 02/09/2024 08:25

It's not selfish to want a break from kids. It's not selfish to be fed up with carrying the full load of the home, work and childcare. It's not selfish to need time to look after your own needs.
On the other hand, it's not a given that a parent will get time off. If the kids were yours and hubby's they would be there 24/7 - the issue isn't the time spent with them, it is, unfortunately, like a lot of moms, that you are carrying the bulk of the childcare work and your husband isn't doing his fair share. You need a schedule for him to step up to the responsibility of caring for the children he helped to create - he needs to be a dad, not just someone who provides a space for them to occupy.
It sounds like you have taken over the parental duties and giving some back to the actual parents is the easy part of the equation. Deciding if you want to continue with a relationship where you are expected to do it all is the hard part. You need an honest conversation with your husband and with yourself to decide what you want out of the relationship and how much room there is for compromise. If the answer is none - then your question has to be how much do you want to be in the relationship?

Wwyd2025 · 02/09/2024 08:27

He's taking the piss, wants the kids yet doesn't look after them?

I'd be purposefully booking a hotel and going away when he has them next and see how he actually copes or not with them.

Sparkletastic · 02/09/2024 08:31

You are raising another couple's kids. Time to step back so their parents can step forward.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 02/09/2024 08:35

When the kids are with us, I do the cooking for everyone I do the looking after, hubby only gets involved if kids don't listen to me. I do bedtimes, playtimes, planning days out.
There's your biggest issue you've got one of those men that think off loading the parenting to the nearest female is ok. He should be doing the vast majority of this for HIS kids. This says a lot about the person he is and none of it is good. You're not selfish here at all, he sure is very very selfish. I don't know if his ex is selfish, she could just fed up of him doing bugger all, but he is selfish and lazy and a shitty father and a shitty partner too. It's not you OP, it's him.

Ppzd · 02/09/2024 09:06

AllAlone36 · 29/08/2024 12:00

Weekly, the kids come twice in the week for tea.
We've been having them nearly every weekend, school holidays we've put holiday days in at work to have them. The weekends we don't have them we go to theirs Sunday mornings to see them.

Thing is, he left his ex and kids 2 years before we even met. He'd already made the choice to be a part time dad.
His ex, since she's got a new fella has wanted us to have the kids every weekend.

I love his kids as my own they call me their second mum, with their mums blessing of course.

I don't want him all myself all the time not by a long shot but with work being so busy at the moment and other family commitments though the week and at the weekends, I didn't think I was being unreasonable just asking for one weekend where we can try to relax & unwind. I feel burned out.

When the kids are with us, I do the cooking for everyone I do the looking after, hubby only gets involved if kids don't listen to me. I do bedtimes, playtimes, planning days out.

I'd plan something just by yourself one weekend, even if the kids are coming. Be out all day, shopping/cafe/maybe meet with friends whatever but don't be there all day and maybe come back after bedtime, so your husband has to actually do the childcare of his own children (!!!!!) by himself, and I swear to you, he'll want a weekend without them now and then too.
Good luck

Noseybookworm · 02/09/2024 09:55

Why are you doing all the work of looking after his kids? No wonder he's happy to have them every weekend - he gets to enjoy their company while you do all the running around! Take yourself off for a relaxing spa weekend and leave him to get on with looking after his kids!

Swiftie1878 · 02/09/2024 09:56

You married someone with kids. He could have had sole custody in which case they’d be with you all the time.

The time spent with the kids isn’t the problem though - it’s the fact their Dad isn’t stepping up in taking care of them. You could do something about that.

You can do nothing about the time the kids spend with their Dad, but they aren’t your kids so you could just arrange to see friends, your own family etc on some of days you have them and leave him to it.

Diarygirlqueen · 02/09/2024 10:03

Girlmom35 · 29/08/2024 10:37

You don't have children, so in that regard you're not being selfish.
But he does have kids. In the natural order of things, he'd be with his kids every single day. You have to understand that having his kids every other weekend isn't what every parent dreams of. It's the bare minimum to even have a shimmer of a relationship with your children. Loads of people work full-time and still manage to have their children 50 or even 100% of the time.

So as much as I understand that you - as a childless person - want time alone with your husband, he's not a childless person. Time alone doesn't really exist for parents. He's trying to be a present father. Good for him. I can imagine it must be frustrating for him to hear that he has to choose between being somewhat present in his childrens' lives, or keeping you happy. And as much as I understand you, I don't see you empathize with him at all. You're looking tat this from the perspective of a childless person. He isn't childless.

People with children have no free time unless they arrange a babysitter. They don't get one weekend a month without children unless they have someone to watch the children, and even then they'd feel guilty for leaving their kids with a sitter. If that isn't something you can live with, then don't be with a man who has children.

I agree with everything you say, brilliant post.

betterangels · 02/09/2024 10:08

When the kids are with us, I do the cooking for everyone I do the looking after, hubby only gets involved if kids don't listen to me. I do bedtimes, playtimes, planning days out

Well, stop. He's the parent.

Pumpkinpie1 · 02/09/2024 10:10

OP I think you need allow your H time to get to care and parent his children alone.
You sound lovely but burning out. You need a rest
Why not book your self a spa break and let him parent his own children for a change. He sounds quite selfish

You my dear OP need a break , he’s taking you for granted at the moment

Findinganewme · 02/09/2024 10:13

I do not think that you are being selfish, no. At the same time I think it’s expected that your partner would want to spend all the time possible, with his children.

it is so lovely that you love his kids and care about them and accommodate them. If they were your own kids (and I am not suggesting that you should feel the same as their natural mother) then you’d want them around you as you’d been so busy all week and not seen them. It doesn’t sound like an unusual situation you’re in, albeit tough.

AmandaHoldensLips · 02/09/2024 10:17

So he can have his kids as much as he likes because he's not the one looking after them and playing chief skivvy?

I'd be making my own weekend arrangements...

ActualChips · 02/09/2024 10:24

AllAlone36 · 29/08/2024 12:00

Weekly, the kids come twice in the week for tea.
We've been having them nearly every weekend, school holidays we've put holiday days in at work to have them. The weekends we don't have them we go to theirs Sunday mornings to see them.

Thing is, he left his ex and kids 2 years before we even met. He'd already made the choice to be a part time dad.
His ex, since she's got a new fella has wanted us to have the kids every weekend.

I love his kids as my own they call me their second mum, with their mums blessing of course.

I don't want him all myself all the time not by a long shot but with work being so busy at the moment and other family commitments though the week and at the weekends, I didn't think I was being unreasonable just asking for one weekend where we can try to relax & unwind. I feel burned out.

When the kids are with us, I do the cooking for everyone I do the looking after, hubby only gets involved if kids don't listen to me. I do bedtimes, playtimes, planning days out.

That's absolutely pathetic of your husband, what a failure of a parent he is. Does he not repulse you?
Don't allow him to palm his kids off to you to raise on the pitifully few days a month they visit your house.
It's shocking how many women date males who chose to have kids, then accept the man dumping his kids on them. Why?

sunseaandsoundingoff · 02/09/2024 10:28

buttonsB4 · 29/08/2024 12:25

These are the things you need to stop doing OP:

Stop cooking & cleaning up after your DSC
Stop booking activities for them
Stop going to see them on a Sunday morning, DP can go in his own
Stop using your annual leave on them
Stop spending your weekends with them
Stop bathing them and putting them to bed etc

All of these are your DP's job and I guarantee that if he has to do all of these things, he will stop having his kids over as much, but conversely you will be doing them a favour, because they will actually see their father more.

Instead of disappearing and sitting on his phone or whatever when the kids are visiting, he will have to actively engage with them, because you aren't there to pick up his slack.

Go out more independently, book a week's holiday with your girlfriends and arrange some lunches and brunches with your mates for the weekend.

Let your DP actually parent his own kids and you make sure you get some downtime, these are not your children, this is not your job.

It's your DP who has been hugely selfish in offloading all of the parenting, and cooking and cleaning that comes with it onto you and if you step back, he can step up (though what's likely to happen is he'll get pissed off at you, have his kids round less and still be a shitty father).

100000000% this.

AgileGreenSeal · 02/09/2024 10:31

Girlmom35 · 29/08/2024 15:28

So basically, as others have said before me, the problem isn't that he's spending more time with his children.
The problem is that he's gotten used to dumping all of his childrens' care on you. So more time with the kids, means much more work for you.
Stop taking care of his children, at least until he's started doing it himself. Make yourself unavailable at random times. Go out and enjoy time with your friends. Read a book, stay in your bedroom, don't go to sunday mornings with the kids.
Step parents are at most a fun adult. Take them our for ice cream or to see a movie. Leave cooking and laundry and bedtime to him.

This.
you really need to take this advice, OP.

MtClair · 02/09/2024 10:35

When the kids are with us, I do the cooking for everyone I do the looking after, hubby only gets involved if kids don't listen to me. I do bedtimes, playtimes, planning days out.

Well THAT ⬆️⬆️ is your issue. Not the fact the children are there every weekend and during all your hols. That is something I’d expect living with someone with children.
No wonder they call you their second mum! (And cuddos to you too for doing so much when you dont have - and I suppose don’t want? - children yourself).

If I’m honest, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be as keen if he was doing all the work himself.

ChilledMama85 · 02/09/2024 13:44

AllAlone36 · 29/08/2024 10:23

Very long story short, we've been together 8 years, married 3 of those.
Husband has kids to his ex we normally have his kids EOW. I don't have any children of my own
Now, we both work full time Monday to Friday and every other Saturday in a very heavy & stressful job so every other weekend for kids has always worked for us. We've also had them a lot during the summer holidays, we went on a weeks holiday.

His ex, as much as I get on with her she is a nice person just recently every weekend asking us to have kids and we always say yes we will do it.
So the one weekend we had to ourselves this month we've got the kids again.
I've been honest with hubby and just said, it'd be nice for us to have 1 weekend to ourselves with how busy we always are. And to that he called me selfish.

Am I being unreasonable wanting that bit of time for us so we can relax and enjoy eachothers company or am I actually being selfish?

just have a nice date night mid week

ChilledMama85 · 02/09/2024 13:58

AllAlone36 · 29/08/2024 12:00

Weekly, the kids come twice in the week for tea.
We've been having them nearly every weekend, school holidays we've put holiday days in at work to have them. The weekends we don't have them we go to theirs Sunday mornings to see them.

Thing is, he left his ex and kids 2 years before we even met. He'd already made the choice to be a part time dad.
His ex, since she's got a new fella has wanted us to have the kids every weekend.

I love his kids as my own they call me their second mum, with their mums blessing of course.

I don't want him all myself all the time not by a long shot but with work being so busy at the moment and other family commitments though the week and at the weekends, I didn't think I was being unreasonable just asking for one weekend where we can try to relax & unwind. I feel burned out.

When the kids are with us, I do the cooking for everyone I do the looking after, hubby only gets involved if kids don't listen to me. I do bedtimes, playtimes, planning days out.

'When the kids are with us, I do the cooking for everyone I do the looking after, hubby only gets involved if kids don't listen to me. I do bedtimes, playtimes, planning days out.'

looool why????

ChilledMama85 · 02/09/2024 14:01

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/08/2024 12:07

When the kids are with us, I do the cooking for everyone I do the looking after, hubby only gets involved if kids don't listen to me. I do bedtimes, playtimes, planning days out.

Why?

You know what's happened? He's done the thing so many men do. He's got himself a free nanny who shags him. It cuts down the CS he has to pay AND the work he has to do. Now it looks like the fembot is malfunctioning, he's trying name-calling to repair you. If that doesn't work he'll try something else.

Has it occurred to either of you that a man who does nothing for his children is more selfish than anyone else?

yeah, I say both ok a spa day just for yourself this coming weekend. What am I saying. Not a day. Weekend at spa. Let daddy handle his kids & you have your well deserved rest.