When the ex's new partner is marvellous

[BlastedPimples]

and it leave you feeling wholly inadequate?

My dcs love my stbxh's new gf. She's really nice, very successful professionally, financially solvent, bakes great cakes, is sporty, great fun.

I've never met her. I'm very glad she's so nice to my dcs and that they're having a great time.

Except I just feel awful and Hugely inadequate. I can't bake. I've been financially ruined by stbxh who has squandered our money on we don't know what. I don't have a career per se.

This isn't at all about love. I know my dcs love me. It's about making memories. I can't afford to do all the wonderful day trips stbxh takes them on. I just feel like I have nothing to offer them. I am just dull and predictable, barely living from pay cheque to pay cheque

I do feel sorry for the new gf because my ex was a violent, controlling man towards me but she has of course no idea. It won't be long before his mask slips but it's not my place to say or do anything. Nor do I want to.

Anyone else experienced this? That your dcs will just always prefer the more fun, richer parent who has basically found an amazing partner to make up for their broken home experience?

Bump. Feeling self pity.

I feel sorry for her. She sounds as if she's about to be taken for a very nasty ride.

Its good that your children look forward to their visits. Thats what you want.

Its hard but making memories isnt about money. Its about laughs, picnics etc

Huge hugs. They don't prefer her and they don't prefer being there. It won't last. Breathe deep and let the feelings of inadequacy go without judgement for having them in the first place. Their your kids. They love you more than anything. This won't last because your ex won't be able to keep up the facade.

id also feel sorry for her and hope she has the power to see early on the type of man he is

I can't bake.

Anyone can make biscuits and stick icing on them with smarties

Or baby cakes as above

Yeah, my XH had a girlfriend the kids liked for a while until, as you say, the mask slipped.

If the kids are happy to use her as a buffer between them and his temper that’s great, but they’ll forget her soon enough when she sees sense.

I was never competing with her.

No. I don't feel the need to compete with her.

I do feel the need to massively improve myself and push myself to financial solvency and as far away from my ex h as is possible.

I guess it's a good motivation.

I do feel guilty that she's being suckered into this relationship in a way. I mean he's been convicted of assault against me and offer she had no idea or doesn't care because he's spun some DARVO stuff around it.

I do feel a bit jealous of the dcs and her having a marvellous time when I am just mundane routine.

I understand that feeling OP, and it is hard. For years I felt like boring, frazzled mum, there for the 'dull' day-to-day stuff while the ExH and OW had glamorous jobs that came with great experiences for the DCs for free.

But I now appreciate that I do have different things to 'bring to the party'.

And I also appreciate that she does things for the kids that my ExH wouldn't even think of because he's a self-absorbed arse.

How old are your DCs?

how old are your children?

and she’s new and showing off OP! the novelty will wear off soon enough

I hear you.

But what children need and crave is security, routine and things being the same. It makes them feel safe.

Of course they will be attracted by the new & shiny, just as we all are, but the reason they can enjoy these experiences is because they have the security of you to come home to.

Don't change who you are. You don't need to. You are their rock and that is the most important thing in their lives and always will be.

They know they can rely on you. They don't know that about their dad & deep down they will feel an insecurity around him because he left and has this new important person in his life.

Never forget or diminish in your own mind your importance and value in their lives. Xx

I used to feel a bit like that. Before they were old enough to really have strong opinions (he doesn't like anyone disagreeing) my ex used to splash the cash on our girls and I was skint.

However, my girls are now uni age and recently said that whilst they used to wish I was more fun like their Dad they now realise that the stability and safety I provided was so important.

L

Exactly this.
There is a lot to be said for what you describe as "dull and predictable" OP!

I pressed send too soon.

He had several fun girlfriends, but the girls always knew they wouldn't last and there was always the anticipation of the next row and the next split.

Our fun was less often, but it was consistent and safe and children like safe.

Mrs bakes -great-cake will eventually realise what an abusive knob she eloped with, by then her bank account will be half once he starts to financially abuse her and she’ll be depressed and asking how did she end up in this shitshow with said knob. In the meanwhile you’ll be knob free, dating the handsome pool boy, furthering your education or in a decent job and living your best life.

”Nothing is permanent”- Buddha.

This :( Poor woman.

OP don't feel bad that you can't bake. Personally as someone who is self-taught, I don't think there is such a thing really. Many recipes aren't tested properly (you'd be surprised how many, even the ones in glossy magazines). The baking temperature is often too high and they'll say something takes 40 - 45 mins, when it should actually be around 50 - 55mins at a slightly lower temperature, sometimes quite a bit longer if it's a wet mixture like a banana bread.

Your children will think this woman is very cool, but it will not diminish how they feel about you.

You will always be their Mum. Nothing can take that away from you.

I think parenting culture is a bit obsessed with "making memories" at the moment. It's just capitalism trying to sell you things, marketed at a generation that often value experiences over material possessions.

You can make lovely memories with your kids by being present with them, going on beautiful Autumn walks, visiting museums and other free exhibits, having a movie night, having a dance party in the kitchen. Often what kids remember is completely random anyway. We can go to the zoo as a treat and all my kid will talk about is the breakdown lorry we saw on the way.

Also, for "dull and predictable" read "stable, safe and reliable". Kids need this person in their lives more than pretty much anything else.

OP does she have children?

If not that's one reason she has more money.

Oh and your kids don't care about baking. If you haven't started, start showing them how to make a normal meal. Start with simple stuff then get on to the more complex meals you cook.

I've had many a proud teen cook me a meal of differing complexity. However even though they are older they rarely bake cakes or biscuits.

not.a.chance. does this new girlfriend have children!!

OP - I feel your pain and I genuinely can't understand how hard it must be (I don't have children myself).

However, I am a step-mum. And the one thing I will say is that his GF seems to be trying to make your children feel comfortable and do things with them that they might enjoy.

I am the same (I hope!) with DSD and my step-mum was the same with me. We still have a great relationship now as two grown adults. I love spending time with DSD and always try to think of things we can do that she'll enjoy but that's just because she's a child who didn't ask to be split between two homes so the least I can do is make her feel comfortable and loved and included!

Please do not feel inadequate - you are their mum and nothing will change that! Your bond with your children will always be stronger than any other! But far better they have a step-mum (type figure) who actually likes them and who they like spending time with than one who doesn't have any time for them.

BTW just adding that I am not ignoring the fact your ex is an abusive arsehole (thankfully my DP is lovely and a great dad and partner who is on healthy co-parenting terms with his ex) but in that case it's even better that his GF is lovely to make up for him being a dick!

HNRTT but don't minimise surviving from one month to the next. In the current system, that can be a triumph.

Whoever coined the misery-inducing phrase 'making memories' to increase unhappiness in those with children and constrained disposable income deserves contempt and doesn't understand children.

Good luck.

It sounds like you’re relishing the prospect. Delightful.

you just need to be more fun (doesn't need to cost money) and learn to bake good cakes.

be bitter or be better.

I don't know any of these people so not invested, but OP states he is controlling, violent, emotionally and financially abusive and has been convicted of assault against her, aka: he's a massive jerk and probably a narcissist. He's decided to trade her for a wealthier, chic, sportsy and more gullible version who seems to be completely oblivious of his police convictions and narc ways. It's not too difficult to predict how this is going to end.

Anyone can make Banana Bread or flapjacks ,maybe progressing to a Victoria sponge (also incredibly easy) but if you dont want to then maybe do some make your own pizza or whatever.Can u go for a day out to the nearest beach or forest ? Kids will remember these fondly.Even curled up watching a good film will have fond memories