When the ex's new partner is marvellous

[BlastedPimples]

and it leave you feeling wholly inadequate?

My dcs love my stbxh's new gf. She's really nice, very successful professionally, financially solvent, bakes great cakes, is sporty, great fun.

I've never met her. I'm very glad she's so nice to my dcs and that they're having a great time.

Except I just feel awful and Hugely inadequate. I can't bake. I've been financially ruined by stbxh who has squandered our money on we don't know what. I don't have a career per se.

This isn't at all about love. I know my dcs love me. It's about making memories. I can't afford to do all the wonderful day trips stbxh takes them on. I just feel like I have nothing to offer them. I am just dull and predictable, barely living from pay cheque to pay cheque

I do feel sorry for the new gf because my ex was a violent, controlling man towards me but she has of course no idea. It won't be long before his mask slips but it's not my place to say or do anything. Nor do I want to.

Anyone else experienced this? That your dcs will just always prefer the more fun, richer parent who has basically found an amazing partner to make up for their broken home experience?

No there isn't a competition.

This!

Be better or be bitter

Um what?!

How and why would you want to be "better" than someone you've never met and don't actually know anything about (apart from what kids tell you which tbh is never true anyway!).

You're their mum. Ex GF is doing nice things with them. That's great (and surely what you want?!). But there is no competition with their mum! And I say that as a step-mum!

You sound really gleeful about the fact that this poor woman has walked blindly into what may well end up being an abusive relationship. Bit gross.

This says it all, OP.

Focus on improving your financial situation and enjoy all the cheap/free things to do with DC. Let him spend loads of money on them. Soon she’ll realise that he’s burning through her money and it will probably stop.

I'm not bitter at all.

Just feeling insecure.

I should be better? Than who? I don't compete with the gf. Whatever for?

I do make banana bread with the dcs. My youngest really likes to do it.

And whilst I know my ex will inevitably fuck things up with this woman, I hope she sticks around a bit longer because she's nice to my dcs. The next sucker might not be so nice.......

Anyway, I feel better now thanks for all your kind words.

And I don't think anybody on this thread is gleeful about this gf getting a hard time from my ex. But what can you do about it? I'm certainly not goi g to sticky oar on and I've told the dcs to absolutely not get involved.

I hate it when people confuse feeling insecure about an ex's new partner with being bitter.

You absolutely do not sound bitter! You can see that the new GF being nice to your kids is a good thing and you are happy for them - that's not the actions of a bitter person!

Glad we have managed to cheer you up. You sound like a great mum & your kids (and your ex for that matter!) are lucky to have you xx

Yes I'm incredibly 'gleeful' some poor lady blindly got into a mess 🙄

It's literally just the way your post came across. Talking about how "soon he'll be financially abusing her and she'll have no money and be depressed" the quiet part being "and then you can be smug about that from your holiday with the pool boy". It's not a nice attitude to have "don't worry OP he'll be abusing her soon too while you're living the high life, wayhay!"

What everyone else said.

But also, please spend 5 minutes on your local police website requesting a Claires Law for her. No one will know it came from you.

No one deserves to find out the hard way that your ex is violent.

I was just trying to cheer up the OP by telling her that a much better life is ahead of her without said knob, and as much as she's a bit jealous of Mrs bakes-better-cakes right now she's sooner than later going to start feeling sorry for her.

Who knew baking nice cakes made you such a bitch deserving of an abusive relationship.

Ok I appreciate that but you could've done that without the added "and she'll be miserable and depressed" couldn't you?

this happened to me.. my children loved their dads new girlfriend, she was young, trendy and did all those fun things kids like to do. i had to grit my teeth everytime they came back from another great weekend. by the time they were married though the cracks in her 'amazing parent' skills had begun to show.. they regularly let the kids down because they had better things to do, or they dragged them along to whatever the adults wanted to do and the kids just had to make do... having time with his kids turned into 'childcare' and the time kept reducing and reducing. at about 14 or 15 they started to refuse to go at all.. this suited my ex and his wife.. more time for them to have a great life.

my children now adults despice the woman!

i might add.. and this really is petty but it kept me going for many years.. when people met me, then met the new wife... a comment i often heard was 'downgraded a bit didn't he'... sorry i know thats smug and childish but it cheered me up

This sounds really hard and like you've had a lot to deal with. I understand what you mean about the day trips and activities but I honestly think that the best memories are often mundane: simple things like playing with your kids at home, making banana bread like you mentioned, and most of all being the person who is always there for them - giving them the everyday experience of being loved and supported by someone who loves them more than anything in the world. it may be a quieter sort of gift that you're giving them but it's worth a million exciting day trips.

One of the things in our house is family film nights. Our boys are teens now so I do have to bribe them to join us with a tub of celebrations and popcorn. But it’s cheap (relatively) and it’s shit like that that makes memories.

we’ve gone Pokémon hunting in the local streets. Brownies are practically fail no safe for baking, muffins are pretty easy. Biscuits don’t even rise! Victoria sandwich type cakes are a bitch.

memories aren’t about spending money on days at legoland, they can be just as much about day to day stuff. Baking failures will DEFINITELY be remembered and laughed about.

@BlastedPimples to frame this in a different way, your ex sounds pretty awful, it must bring you some reassurance that she is there, with a sense of calm, and engaging in activities with them?

Stop comparing yourself to her, she will never be their mother, if you're going to compare yourself to anyone, do it to the ex, he sounds pretty unreliable and unstable as a parent.

And by the way boring and mundane is also predictable and comforting. Pretty amazing qualities for a parent to have.

Bless you OP but no one will ever be able to take your place , you are and will always be thier mum (You're top spot) .
Just think how lucky they are that they have someone who isn't jealous and likes doing stuff for them and with them.
My Stepmum absolutely hated us for existing which is a scary place to be when your're little (she was emotionally and physically abusive) .
She taught me how not to be. I absolutely adore my Step Grandaughter because she is part of my DP and his son , not because I am getting at his ex :)

@andweallsingalong I did think of doing that but the conviction is in another country.

I'd still do it. There might be things you don't know about from the UK that are on file as its unlikely you are the only female he has been violent to and its worth mentioning the conviction abroad. Some countries will share previous convictions.

Not everyone can

I think it's nice she's getting to know them. I think you need to remember is that she isn't trying to be their "other mum" there's only one mum.

I totally agree with the bake fails!!! My mum is a crap cook but brilliant baker!!! When I was little and we were very very skint, some of my happiest memories were when she tried making new things for dinner that ended up welded to pans or the time we only had potatoes so she popped them in her pressure cooker…. Which exploded (could have been dangerous like looking back… but this was 1990 and risks didn’t matter apparently!). We literally scraped potatoes off the walls etc for days. But it was so much fun!! My mother now refuses to be in the same room as a pressure cooker…. I offered her my PKP earlier and she went white!!! Said no thankyou and promptly went home!!! 32 years later and we still enjoy that memory together…. Can’t remember all the expensive days out though.. (and there were some… just saying!).