Urgent help needed - marriage and separation - multiple flags

[Noteveryonescupoftea24]

I have been with my husband for 8 years married for nearly 4 of those.
I am going to try and keep it brief as there are multiple concerns.
There has been multiple situations of violence but the last time it happened was pretty much 3 years ago and nothing since. I was headbutted by him to where my nose was slightly broken, I have been spat in the face by him and there have been occasional holes in the doors and a mirror smashed.

At least a few times a week he can handle situations in our daily life with myself and the kids ( 14 and 17 ) in an odd way, he can get moody over trivial things and act awkward to the point where everyone is treading on egg shells.
Sometimes i address that with him and it makes him feel disrespected but I dont mean to make him feel that way but it is hard when he is acting a daft for his age. His responses to situations in life arent of what you expect at this age and che can display narcissistic and can some times gaslight me in front of the kids and also belittle me.

He can have a problem and then switch without resolution which leaves all 3 of us confused without any fix

I am not atracted to him anymore, he has put on weight and doesnt often shower, can go a week or so without showering yet I take good care of myself physically and present myself well.
I want to make clear that I dont wish to leave him because of that and know that he deserves love and if our relationship is worth saving, then I will work through that. I do not ever see me being attracted to him again, even pushing aside the other things that arent quite right, I have not toldhim this because i do not want to hurt his feelings.
We rarely have Sex because I dont get turned on by him, i thought I had a problem with my drive but im not so worried about this now days.

He often tells me he dersvers more and all i think when he says this is, why when you have done bad things to me in the past and act really odd at times

I am going to submit this post now and add to it as I go because there is more to it

Current situation is - we are separated and have been for 3 days now, hes staying at his mums because her house is empty and my kids go to close by. The mortage is in his name because I used to be crap with money, not so now.

What advice are you looking for? You say you don't want to leave him, so what do you want to do?

Why exactly does this violent abusive man "deserve love" ?

I just dont know if i should leave him, thats where I am at
When we are fine, i feel generally ok, i dont fear he will cheat on me, secure ect and we do have some good times but there are so many problems

Responding to the abusive man deserving, this is what he says to me. I believe that I have lost this intimacy because of stuff that has happened in the past but i always worry something will happen in the future

Updating extra -
We dont have alot of fun together and I feel like I wish there was more, hes not great socially with people but I am a social butterfly and get on with most people.
We dont often laugh together which I hold in high esteem because I feel like its important.

Im scared to throw this away because of our foundations, house, lifestyle, goals etc all align but how we navigate day to day life is misaligned and not right and I know it

I am still recovering from: "I was headbutted by him to where my nose was slightly broken, I have been spat in the face by him and there have been occasional holes in the doors and a mirror smashed."

If you want my advice I suggest that you remain separated. Abuse which is physical and telling you that he "deserves more" etc. is appalling behaviour. There is no going back from that in my book. I wish you well in whatever you decide, but please stay safe. 🌺

This honestly.

Of course you should stay separated. You need to keep your kids from being raised around more abuse. What would you tell your daughter if her partner head butted her?

I stuck with him but will never forgive as you cant. He has made progress to not do that and so far has not but Im not stupid enough to believe that once this has happened that it could happen again. When I say to him I cant let go of this, he struggles to understand as everything is ok and he hasn't done it since. It doesn't sink in with him and he believes that it is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.

If you want my advice.

Stay separated and get legal advice. You will have financial entitlements because you are married so look into that. If you have no money, Rights of Women give free legal advice and the Citizens Advice website is good.

Contact your local domestic abuse organisation. You'll find them by typing Domestic Abuse help and your area. They'll give you advice on how to leave safely as you're most vulnerable when leaving.

Find out what you may be entitled to by using a benefit calculator. Try Turn2us.

You're in an abusive relationship. Abuse is maintained through power and control and he's not violent because he doesn't need to be. Your relationship is over and you and your children deserve better.

Look into the Freedom Programme to learn about healthy relationships and trauma based counselling to process the relationship.

You might find the book Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft helpful.

Ignoring all the red flags waving - You are not happy together. No amount of counselling, either jointly or separately, will make you happier in this relationship. It is stupid to remain unhappy and resentful because you want to stay in a house.

Stay separated, get divorced, sell the house or buy him out. Have a happy life.

I just feel like I have led him on, I know I should have when this first happened, not 4 years down the line when the physical violence is not happening. Its like im dismissing his growth

So, after you were head butted. Do you moderate your behaviour more? Do you recognise the signs more and placate him before it escalates?
take the blame for things and apologise? Regardless of fault or rationality?

it might not be him co trolling HIS behaviour since. More you towing the line so it doesn’t happen.

Its not just about the house, I love that our goals in life align, I enjoy the idea of our life without the problems. I love that and wish wish wish that these issues werent a thing

But they are an issue , he treat you and your children badly , he has the propensity for violence . You are not happy in your marriage. Embrace the separation , see a solicitor , have marriage counseling if he really wants to change but listen to your doubts !!!

I am sorry OP but he is violent and abusive, that will not go away.
You like the idea of something that does not exist.

He hasn't grown OP, he's still abusive, he just doesn't hit you. Unfortunately these issues are a thing and they're not going to change. Abuse is very much like a fog and you can't see what's going on when you're in the thick of it.

A mistake a lot of survivors make is hoping for change. That if they could just find that magic fix everything would be all right. It's not going to be all right. It's never going to change.

I am sorry to everyone that may think Im slightly barmy for not leaving years ago but its hard. I didnt realise my worth until recently, it seemed to take me years.

He tells me all the time that he deserves respect and someone that is affectionate with especially as he works so hard at his job and does tons of hours overtime to provide for the family

In all honesty when he says to me - he deserves better ( my head is saying ehhhhh maybe so but it gives me an irk )

I just cant bring myself to say to him, this has all mounted up because of what happened years ago, i feel like ive strung him along, for this I feel terrible
I do acre about him but hes hurting right now and thats probably the empath in me
Dont get me wrong, I am strong, and know what is right and wrong but you dont just stop caring for someone especially as he wants to work at things

I have suggested councelling many times but he doesnt want to do councelling because he believes statisically it doesnt work and we need seperate help, personally I call BS on this and believe he doesnt want to do the councelling because hes afraid he will feel embarrsed
He has booked a solo councelling session for tonight which is fair enough but he can only relaqy issues from his perspective which is restrictive to our growth as its his perception and his reality, my reality is very different

I enjoy the idea of our life without the problems
The IDEA but not the REALITY. You need to stop daydreaming and hiding in your mind and look at the cold, dark and scary reality that is surrounding you right now. You need to find your courage to step out from this darkness and find some happiness and peace.

and wish wish wish that these issues werent a thing
But they are. And no amount of wishing, crossing your fingers behind your back, chanting it three times while turning around, or clicking your red sparkly shoes together will change your reality. It really won't.

Seek help from your GP or contact Women's Aid to help you sort your feelings better so you are able to see what is out there waiting for you.

You deserve more. You are worth more. You matter

Couples counselling is never recommended in the case of abuse. No one believes you're barmy, abuse messes with your head and you can't think clearly. It happens gradually and creeps up on you.

He keeps talking about respect because he's asserting control. He talks about deserving better to put you in your place.

Can you speak to a domestic abuse organisation and have a chat?

I am sorry to everyone that may think Im slightly barmy for not leaving years ago but its hard. I didnt realise my worth until recently, it seemed to take me years.
It took me nearly 30 years before I saw i was with an abusive man. Everyone thinks he is lovely but when it was me and him I was confused, upset, doubting myself, surely it's me not him, watching my tone etc. It was only when I cried in my GP surgery that it all came out. Since then various professionals have confirmed it which has stunned me tbh.

He broke me OP, I was days away from committing suicide and something made me visit the GP instead. I was physically, mentally and emotionally broken. And yet he's never hit me once.

Contact Women's Aid. They do email as well as phone calls/chat.

I'm so pleased you found a way out💐

How do I word this to him though. How do I tell him its because of past issues and how he physically hurt me, as I struggle to communicate this to him without me flopping and he can be good with his words that trips me up

What would you be trying to achieve by speaking to him? He's evidently not going to change and it could make you vulnerable to more abuse.

@Noteveryonescupoftea24 You should have left him 3 years ago when he assaulted you, there is NO excuse for that behaviour.He thinks he deserves sex and affection, he doesn't, he's abusive and unkind. Although you state the facts you don't see him clearly, he's manipulated you into thinking he's not that bad, well he is. Unless you want your DC to grow up thinking they don't deserve better than that you need to stay seperated
I think with a bit of time apart you'll start to see your life more clearly, I really hope you do

Do what I did.

I am no longer happy with our marriage and I don't think you are too. I have thought about this a lot and I want a divorce. I would like this to be amicable and I'm sure you do too. (Then walk out of room).

You can start the divorce online yourself for just under £600. It is very easy to do but you will need a solicitor, or preferably a mediator, to sort out your finances and joint children arrangements.

Don't ask for his opinion, this is NOT up for discussion. The only things you will discuss is who gets the fridge and who gets the sofa. Everything else is through legal. Start learning the art of greyrocking.

That was my immediate question.

You and your kids deserve love, peace and happiness, Op

He tells me all the time that he deserves respect and someone that is affectionate with especially as he works so hard at his job and does tons of hours overtime to provide for the family

He means sex doesn't he? He earns money so you should have sex with him when you don't want to.
Maybe you would feel more like sex if he had never violently assaulted you