Urgent help needed - marriage and separation - multiple flags

[Noteveryonescupoftea24]

I have been with my husband for 8 years married for nearly 4 of those.
I am going to try and keep it brief as there are multiple concerns.
There has been multiple situations of violence but the last time it happened was pretty much 3 years ago and nothing since. I was headbutted by him to where my nose was slightly broken, I have been spat in the face by him and there have been occasional holes in the doors and a mirror smashed.

At least a few times a week he can handle situations in our daily life with myself and the kids ( 14 and 17 ) in an odd way, he can get moody over trivial things and act awkward to the point where everyone is treading on egg shells.
Sometimes i address that with him and it makes him feel disrespected but I dont mean to make him feel that way but it is hard when he is acting a daft for his age. His responses to situations in life arent of what you expect at this age and che can display narcissistic and can some times gaslight me in front of the kids and also belittle me.

He can have a problem and then switch without resolution which leaves all 3 of us confused without any fix

I am not atracted to him anymore, he has put on weight and doesnt often shower, can go a week or so without showering yet I take good care of myself physically and present myself well.
I want to make clear that I dont wish to leave him because of that and know that he deserves love and if our relationship is worth saving, then I will work through that. I do not ever see me being attracted to him again, even pushing aside the other things that arent quite right, I have not toldhim this because i do not want to hurt his feelings.
We rarely have Sex because I dont get turned on by him, i thought I had a problem with my drive but im not so worried about this now days.

He often tells me he dersvers more and all i think when he says this is, why when you have done bad things to me in the past and act really odd at times

I am going to submit this post now and add to it as I go because there is more to it

Current situation is - we are separated and have been for 3 days now, hes staying at his mums because her house is empty and my kids go to close by. The mortage is in his name because I used to be crap with money, not so now.

I know he wont default on the payments as he is fantastic with money and manages to keep his credit file excellent, its always been a driving force for him

You really need to start protecting yourself. An abusive person will find multiple ways to be controlling and hurtful. So many women on this site say they have been blindsided and tricked when they trusted their partner to do the decent thing in a split. It can almost destroy them.

Expect the worst so you will never be disappointed or hurt during this process.

I can only give advice based on reading multiple threads on here, and from my own life experience, but ultimately what happens next is down to you. I get that your trust has been broken which is why I recommend you reach out to various people for different support as what they can help with usually overlaps a little and that can confirm that you are on the right pathway.

Take a little time to think things through, keep him away while you do. If you are not quite there yet it is okay. Hopefully one day you will be but please gets some real life support in place

That's really nice to say. My heart just hurts so much

We've been on the phone tonight as he called and it was really hard for me as he was really nice and pretty much owning up to all his mistakes, was actually off to a counselling session.
He said that he had done an inkine session of councelling last nihht and had made realisations that he feels like hes mainly to blame. I told him that I had discussed this issue with people on the Internet and he wasn't offended by it at all. I told him that I should have left him years ago but clearly have stuck around for some reason.
I am finding this all very hard because he wants to come home and wants to try and part of me does but I'm scared that nothing is ever ever going to get better.
Life is so short
My feelings after the conversations haven't changed, im just as conflicted as before

Please speak to a domestic abuse organisation and talk about what's going on before making any decisions.

I don't want to be too cynical Op but it's amazing how many men will suddenly realize how badly they've behaved when their DW/DP leave them. Please just keep in mind that talk is cheap, it's actions that count.

Okay devils advocate here, tell him he needs to prove to you over 2 years that he can change, he will go to counselling in that time, work on himself and his behaviour, both separately at first say for 6 months to a year, you do the same, then in 12 months time you go to joint counselling if you both still feel the same. In that 2 years, no sleep overs, no moving back in, no walking into your house, its your home now, not his and he will treat it like any other strangers house.
Meet him away from the house, in public so he doesn't get to use his fists on you. Lets see if he is willing to really change or is it all still an act. You must make plans to save and to have a deposit for a place in 2 years time, get a job, pay any debts, go to Mabs if necessary and become a participating member of your own life. But stick to your guns on those 2 years, any weakness at all in that time and you aren't doing yourself any favours at all. Oh and both of you can date others in that time, with no backlash from the other person

I appreciate your reply here.
I dont worry about him doing anything physical at the moment. It only happens when he is super angry which doesnt happen alot so dont need to worry about that for now.

I am finding this is so so difficult as I know all of this is wrong and it should not have happened what so ever but at the same time, I am missing him, I am missing the way comfortability of him being here. Even though when he is here there can be stress and referring to my original post, loads of problems. But I am on day 5 now of being separated and I just still dont know what to do.
We had a chat on the phone last night as he is off to counselling and it was a good conversation where he admitted he believes he is mostly to blame and that I don't need to get any help because he thinks its him.
So I am just in this no mans land of knowing what to do
The kids have been settled and we have a nice environment going on at home which is lovely and I know if she comes home, that dynamic will change but thats fine, you just rock with it
I almost wish the universe would just tell me what to do !

Have you spoken to your teenagers about how they feel about your husband? What did they say about him breaking your nose? Do they like the atmosphere in the house? Have they witnessed him spitting at you?

Have you spoken to a domestic abuse organisation to explore the relationship and work out your options?

If there is one piece of advice that I can give you, it's to please read this book. Do not let your partner see it, do not be tempted to show him. You will see him in here, it will tell you why he does this, and what you can do.

amzn.eu/d/hItnrEL

I have individual no guiding conversations with them both. My DD does not want to tell me what she feels because she is worried that anything she says will guide me into making my decision. I have made it clear that they come first to me and thier happiness is by far more important than me own.
My DS who is autistic, is pretty much the same in really.
I am finding the home life easier to manage as the responsibility solely lies with me so I can handle conflict between the kids and general day to day life well.
But that does not stop me missing parts of my husband that I do like and am comfortable with

I have made it clear that they come first to me and thier happiness is by far more important than me own

I doubt they enjoy walking on eggshells around an abusive man knowing that if he kicks off, their mum could have her face bashed in. Would you?

If their happiness is more important than your own, the decision is made.

This books looks great

Do they do books to help men in those situations as he wants to change an recognises there is a problem with his mindset. I want to help him

You can help him by standing back. He needs to forge his own way via his GP and therapist. This is because if anything goes wrong he cannot blame you for it (and he would). Quite frankly he needs professional help and you are not qualified to give it and by interfering you could make everything worse.

You, in the meantime, need your own therapist and/or DA support. Please use your energy and time to heal yourself first.

That book a pp linked to by Lundy Bancroft also comes as a free pdf download so google his name free pdf download and you should get a link.

Ah wish I'd known this. I have ordered it. Could've done with saving the pennies :)

Ooof sorry. Can you cancel or return?

It's fine. I'm looking forward to reading it. I love reading anyway. I've read some of the reviews and it gave me shivers!

Yes you should
Leave him call
Womens aid they can make a plan with you to do so safely

Last night was so difficult. He called and we were on the phone for nearly 2 hours and most of it was him saying he wants to come home and how we cant work on our marriage from afar. I didn't shift as I don't believe that if I decided to work on our marriage, I know him coming back straight away would not be right as same old routines would be slipped into and before long we will be in the same situation.
I found it so hard as he wasn't overly nice and trying to flatter me etc, just a sensible conversation
I feel for him as he is no mans land and is waiting for me to decide his future. I hate that
The after our phone call I decided to share some things with him that I was feeling about believing that he has also been emotionally abusing me for all of this time and its breaking me down. He seemed to have received that well and I believe he may work on it regardless.
I'm still in this limbo place even though practically the whole world thinks I should leave him, its hard for people to know the feelings isn't it
I hate this, I definetly need some more support. Tried to connect with womens aid yesterday and the day before whilst at work but that wasent happening. Ive brought that book that the lovely poster suggested.
How can he get help and what is the best way for him to do so.

How can he get help and what is the best way for him to do so.
I've told you. GP and/or a counsellor. But HE needs to do it, not you.

You also need your own counsellor. Continue trying Women's Aid or go to your local councils webpage to see who/where your local DA group is. Contact your GP and ask to be referred to therapy (or maybe there's a link on your Surgery's webpage) . I think you can get at least six sessions that way. It's a start.

I also suggest you stop these long phone calls as they are not helpful until you are emotionally and mentally in a better place. Use email and text for practical things such as money, bills etc. Ask for a bigger breathing space so you can sort your head out better.

Remember this. You broke up because you and the children were continually walking on eggshells in your own house. Your children deserve better.