Urgent help needed - marriage and separation - multiple flags

[Noteveryonescupoftea24]

I have been with my husband for 8 years married for nearly 4 of those.
I am going to try and keep it brief as there are multiple concerns.
There has been multiple situations of violence but the last time it happened was pretty much 3 years ago and nothing since. I was headbutted by him to where my nose was slightly broken, I have been spat in the face by him and there have been occasional holes in the doors and a mirror smashed.

At least a few times a week he can handle situations in our daily life with myself and the kids ( 14 and 17 ) in an odd way, he can get moody over trivial things and act awkward to the point where everyone is treading on egg shells.
Sometimes i address that with him and it makes him feel disrespected but I dont mean to make him feel that way but it is hard when he is acting a daft for his age. His responses to situations in life arent of what you expect at this age and che can display narcissistic and can some times gaslight me in front of the kids and also belittle me.

He can have a problem and then switch without resolution which leaves all 3 of us confused without any fix

I am not atracted to him anymore, he has put on weight and doesnt often shower, can go a week or so without showering yet I take good care of myself physically and present myself well.
I want to make clear that I dont wish to leave him because of that and know that he deserves love and if our relationship is worth saving, then I will work through that. I do not ever see me being attracted to him again, even pushing aside the other things that arent quite right, I have not toldhim this because i do not want to hurt his feelings.
We rarely have Sex because I dont get turned on by him, i thought I had a problem with my drive but im not so worried about this now days.

He often tells me he dersvers more and all i think when he says this is, why when you have done bad things to me in the past and act really odd at times

I am going to submit this post now and add to it as I go because there is more to it

Current situation is - we are separated and have been for 3 days now, hes staying at his mums because her house is empty and my kids go to close by. The mortage is in his name because I used to be crap with money, not so now.

When i have suggested counselling
He won't agree to couple counselling because in his eyes statically it doesn't work.
But for me, I do call BS on this because I see that he will probably be embarrassed with the things I say.
He would prefer to do separate counselling but how can that fix things when its from his prospective as his own reality. I don't see that approach as helpful for going forward

He would prefer to do separate counselling but how can that fix things when its from his prospective as his own reality. I don't see that approach as helpful for going forward

So you are planning on going back to your abuser. I'm sorry to hear that OP. I wish you and your children all the best.

Who gives a shit what he wants. He doesn’t give a shit what you want. He’s laid hands on you before. He will do it again. What do YOU want to do with the rest of your life?

No no not made that decision. Just making sure everything is right in my head. We have never separated like this before so it's pretty serious.
He's staying at his mums as she is out of the country for a few months.
We don't have children together. The children that live with us are mine
The mortgage is in his name

I wanted this life but with a husband that doesn't do and haven't done what he has done and doesn't continue to live day to day with the way he feels about not getting what he deserves. It is exhausting

Did your DC like him, how did they feel about a violent man in their home, or did he keep the violent episodes for when they weren't around.

If you aren't going to put yourself first put your dc first. Imagine your dms dh headbutting their mother. You should have left alongtime ago. What example are you setting your children by staying with an abusive prick.

Jesus, sounds awful. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this guy? Don't you want a chance at happiness?

The mortgage might be in his name but you're married which means it's a joint asset.

Vent away or ask any questions, everyone is happy to help you and support you.

I haven't had time to read everyone else's replies but I have read the OP.

You owe this man nothing, he has abused you and your children ( even if he hasn't touched them) seeing or hearing their Mum beaten up is abusing them. It puts fear into them. You and your kids deserve better than that. All you need to say is you are filing for separation and a barring order on the grounds of his past behaviour.

You say your goals align, so does his first and head with your face. And what if he kills you?

Please do the Freedom program, please put yourself first, what would you say to your kids if this was happening to them?

If he is out of the house that is over half the battle, change the locks now, oops you have lost your keys, need to get those locks changed fast,

File for maintenance and get separate bank accounts and go be happy

If I were you, my goals in life would be a relationship where I didn't have to walk on eggshells around my partner, I was respected, and didn't have to worry that I'd be headbutted or spat at if he couldn't control himself. There are better choices for you, and your children. Don't put up with this! Move on, and leave this nasty piece of work behind. You're setting a bad example of a relationship to your children.

its so scary though isnt it. With this marriage I dont have to worry about being cheated on, ive never once tripped about that mentally and my self confidence has grown with that.
I am so scared that If i begin again, I will revert and become insecure again and that is awful especially at my age. I thought I was fixed with insecurities but the thought of meeting someone else and starting again makes me feel sick to the core.
I know from this, that councelling for me would be a first poirt so I can work on myself and be the best version of me as I certainly do have things to work on, im definitely not perfect.
I just care about him, like his family and love our life style. This hurts so so much

This is a really depressing read. Your teen DC have watched you stay married to someone who broke your nose. How can you not see how awful that is.

You don't need to explain to him why you want to split permanently, just tell him that you do and won't change your mind.

I feel so let down and heartbroken
I didnt want to be married again and have such a failure of a life.
I want to be happy and have consistance

For goodness sake why are you scared of leaving this man based on not knowing what the next man will be like. There doesn't have to be another man in your future. You really need to work on yourself first anyway because right now you are too vulnerable to another abusive man coming along. Your self esteem, your confidence but most importantly your boundaries need some serious work first.

Focus on your children, then focus on yourself. Not on this man or any other man.

Because I know eventually there probably will be. Definitely not straight away
I dont trust myself, ive always been in relationships. I have never been single for longer than 3 months and I worry ill make the mistake again.
Every relationship ive been in was because they liked me, I have always settled until the past few years where I have sadly very late to the party caught up and understood that I can have expectations and standards that I deserve and know my own worth. Sadly its taken this marriage for me to figure this out.

If you have never been alone then perhaps now is the time to focus on yourself. I highly recommend the The Freedom Programme based on other people's experiences of it before you get into another relationship. And get therapy for yourself so you can learn to love yourself, to be happy with yourself. For you.

If you put your children first, whilst working on yourself, you will be too busy to have a relationship. Once you are in a better place, with better boundaries, you can be open to a relationship but you need to be strong first. Otherwise you will never be truly free.

I really value what you are saying and sorry its taking abit of sinking in. My poor DS is going through some tough times at the moment with a grooming situation where there will be court cases and all sorts, He is also autistic and he is a challenge in himself.
Its so hard to navigate this as my husband has been great when handling this

He says he deserves better. It's the other way round. You deserve better. Stay apart for yours and your children's safety and mental health.

Now you are separated you don't have to explain why to him. You could say you don't fit the bill for his ideal partner so it's time you both moved on.
Can you buy him out your house or he gives you the house instead of pension split or child maintenance? Or perhaps you could stay until children leave school? If not look at where you would like to live.

The children arent his. I dont really know where I stand financially. Id like to stay put for now, sadly not in a position to buy him out because I was terrible with money years ago and am paying for that with poor credit now. I have a steady job and a decent income but still not good marks on credit file.
He gave me a gentlemans agreement the other day that I can continue to stay in the house and pay the mortgage through him to which i suggested that he draws up a tenancy agreement however he is hurting and I suspect that once I make it clear that we are not getting back together, the hurt will drive him another way to protect himself.
Ive always been naughty with money and like to buy pretty things which landed we with CC debts which he paid off because he could get good rates, so we owe 20k for various things not just my debt. Then there us 60k left on the mortgage.
I dont even know where to begin with finances

Your husband can still support your son. You don't have to live together or stay married because you fear that support will go. That's emotional blackmail you are putting on yourself. Ask the police for victim support help, or go to the national autism website and ask them if they know of any local help you can contact for your son. Does your son have a social prescriber or social services person? Look into things like that instead of telling yourself you have no choice but to stay in a rotten marriage.

I'm going to be really blunt here - and it's what I had to do myself so I do get it - but it's time to put your big girl pants on and start adulting. Nobody is going to save you but you. Others can support you on your journey but they can't magic it better.

Start thinking what you want your (realistic) future to be, then start thinking of what steps you need to take - bullet point those steps, then start looking to see who can help support you on those steps. A GP can help with counselling. CAB can help with possible benefits or finances. A solicitor can help with divorce or finances. A DA charity can help too, including emotionally. As I said, break it down

EDIT - I can continue to stay in the house and pay the mortgage through him
That is a hard no OP. Just because you pay him that doesn't mean he pays the bank. You need to pay it directly to the mortgage provider only.

Sorry you're in this position.
It sounds to me like you would be better off with a divorce, you're still entitled to half the house.

If you separate- stay out of relationships for at least a year, find yourself, build confidence, be independent.

I mean, domestic violence, I'm all for second chances but breaking your nose & more, that's unforgivable- in a case of domestic abuse, you've a duty of care to your children.

I think you're on the road to nowhere and need to call it a day.

I'm so sorry 😔

So can I pay the mortgage direct to them. the mortgage people wont transfer the mortgage to my name as my credit has been so poor, i imagine id have to re-mortgage and no lender is going to even consider me

I can only get financial support from UC if I have a tenancy agreement in place as if not, i wont get any financial support to top up my wages

Go speak to Citizens Advice as they will know the benefits system better. You might still be able to get some UC help with living or childcare costs but certainly not for the mortgage/rental.

No you cannot get the mortgage transferred to you but if you pay him the money but he doesn't pay the mortgage the house will end up getting repossessed and that will create massive problems for you. If you don't know the account number etc then speak to the mortgage provider directly. As you are married they should provide you with details. If not then speak to Citizens Advice.