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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why wouldn’t he change for me?

69 replies

whattododoido · 27/08/2024 23:17

What is wrong with me? I was with my ex for 5 years. I couldn’t see it at the time but I put up with a lot. I didn’t know for a while into the relationship but he was a cocaine addict. He’d lie about it, he wouldn’t come home at least once a month. I’d found out he cheated on every ex with prostitutes. Obviously this would make me doubt him when he wouldn’t come home. He had an excuse of staying at his family pub because he’d been drinking. I tried so hard to help him and get him to stop behaving this way. My ex would say sorry, he’d think once would be enough. When I’d bring up what had happened, because Si was still upset/angry, he’d say, “I said sorry”. Then a week or two later he would go back to his cocaine, not come home and ignore me etc. Eventually I had enough and called it over. 6 months later he’s in a new relationship and appears to have changed. How can he change so easily for her but wouldn’t for me? The woman he’s with is an ex of his from 15 years ago. He always said she was the only ex he loved. I feel so hurt by it all. To think he had a new life, without a care for me and I’m still hurting. He has a child who I was step mum to, now she’s that woman. She also has her own kids so I feel it’s all happy families. Why do men always manage to come out on top even after they’ve done us dirty.

OP posts:
Edingril · 27/08/2024 23:20

If he is that bad why on earth does it matter focus on your own life and self respect good grief

Myfavouriteflowers · 27/08/2024 23:21

I would very much doubt he has really changed OP.

HowlongdoIwait · 27/08/2024 23:23

Chances are he hasn't changed. Not long term at least. Thank your lucky stars you dodged a bullet

K37529 · 27/08/2024 23:23

I doubt he’s changed. Youre maybe hearing about him or seeing glimpses of his life on social media, you don’t see what goes on behind closed doors. Move on with your life.

whattododoido · 27/08/2024 23:24

@Edingril because it hurts. Why was he that person to me, but he isn’t to her. Was it me, could I have done anything else.

OP posts:
CitrusBeanie · 27/08/2024 23:25

How do you know he’s ‘changed’? You ditched him because he was a dreadful boyfriend to you, so it’s irrelevant either way.

TransformerZ · 27/08/2024 23:26

Why do you want someone that has sex with prostitutes? 🤢

He hasn't changed anyway. You just don't know what he's up to because you don't have to see it.

Edingril · 27/08/2024 23:27

whattododoido · 27/08/2024 23:24

@Edingril because it hurts. Why was he that person to me, but he isn’t to her. Was it me, could I have done anything else.

Because he is cocaine addicted prostitute user, honesty are you that desperate?

Yes this is blunt!

whattododoido · 27/08/2024 23:27

@CitrusBeanie things I’ve heard. Yes I know he was, but it doesn’t take the hurt away that he now seems to be the man I wanted him to be, but for someone else.

OP posts:
liverburd1 · 27/08/2024 23:27

How would you know if he's going awol once a month in his new relationship and/or having sex with prostitutes behind her back??

And even if you do believe he's not, it's likely cos it's such a new relationship. 6 months in he's still trying to impress her and put on a front. He'll show his true colours eventually - they always do

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 27/08/2024 23:28

Maybe it was just timing. He's grown up. And sadly for you, you weren't The One for him. Nothing you could do to change that. But you can do something now. You can stop fixating on him, and move on. Find your own happiness, you deserve better than him.

suburberphobe · 27/08/2024 23:29

He won't have changed. Take it from me. People addicted to coke can't just stop it from one day to the next.

Think of the money's he's wasted on that shit. Is that the kind of relationship you want for your future? No of course not.

Like someone upthread said, you've dodged a bullet.

suburberphobe · 27/08/2024 23:31

In fact, you can take that literally.

The girlfriend of a coke dealer in my city was shot to death driving a car by a bullet meant for him.

whattododoido · 27/08/2024 23:34

@suburberphobe that's dreadful! He wasn’t a dealer. I don’t know how he’s suddenly after 20 years of doing it, stopped it. That’s what hurts, I tried so hard. To think it was just he is with the right woman now.

OP posts:
QueenBitch666 · 27/08/2024 23:38

Because he's a drug addled cheating cretin 🤷‍♀️

blacksax · 27/08/2024 23:41

No long-term cocaine addict can completely turn their life totally around in six months. He might paper over the cracks for a short while, but I doubt it will last.

Cinnamonkie · 27/08/2024 23:43

whattododoido · 27/08/2024 23:34

@suburberphobe that's dreadful! He wasn’t a dealer. I don’t know how he’s suddenly after 20 years of doing it, stopped it. That’s what hurts, I tried so hard. To think it was just he is with the right woman now.

You don't have a clue what he's like with her. I assume you see social media posts but you won't see the arguments and prostitutes and drugs because that doesn't look good on social media.
You need to get a grip. This man is an addict who has treated all of his girlfriends like crap, let her have him. She couldn't fix him 15 years ago she won't now.
Concentrate on yourself and raise the bar.

Mls1984btc · 27/08/2024 23:43

The only time you could change a male is when he is in diaper - only he himself can make that decision.

Wolfiefan · 27/08/2024 23:59

You’re not in a relationship with him. You think he’s changed but that’s because he’s an expert in lying and manipulation. And his new partner (mug) will have rose tinted glasses and not see or share the truth.

mathanxiety · 28/08/2024 00:16

The real question is why you hung around for five years waiting for him to change.

There's a second question too - why do you think the new woman has such a prize?

This man is not relationship material. He's a liar and an addict and an exploiter and user of women. Why did you think you'd be the one who turned him into a prince among men?

And I want to know if he has full custody of the child or if her mother is in the picture at all? He is a seriously inadequate parent.

longdistanceclaraclara · 28/08/2024 00:18

He hasn't changed. The new gf will be in the same position when she realises. You need to get some self esteem and move on. 5 years?

mathanxiety · 28/08/2024 00:21

whattododoido · 27/08/2024 23:34

@suburberphobe that's dreadful! He wasn’t a dealer. I don’t know how he’s suddenly after 20 years of doing it, stopped it. That’s what hurts, I tried so hard. To think it was just he is with the right woman now.

No, he's with a desperate loser now, and you need to give your head a wobble and celebrate the fact that he's no longer causing drama and misery in your life.

Unless you happen to love drama and misery and playing Pick Me with a man who has never been available to you and who was never capable of adding anything to your life.

Start working on yourself. You stuck with a man who never wanted a relationship built on mutual love, trust, and respect. You bought into a fairy tale. Why?

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 28/08/2024 00:23

Likely answer he hasn't changed and it will all come out in the wash eventually.
Unlikely but possible answer he really has changed, but all that days is that he didn't respect you enough to visit our care about the impact of his behaviour on you, and that's not a failing on your part it's a failing on his level of basic human decency.

LiterallyOnFire · 28/08/2024 00:29

Like heck has he changed that dramatically.

He's an addict with long established dysfunctional patterns of behaviour. He hasn't just snapped out of it all overnight.

I expect he's love bombing her. Maybe she's live bombing her too. They'll certainly be keen to display a happy face to the world.

Don't compare your knowledge of reality to his new presentation of wishful thinking.

LiterallyOnFire · 28/08/2024 00:31

Also: STOP TRYING TO CHANGE USELESS men into good boyfriends. Find one that's already baked.

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