Why wouldn’t he change for me?

[whattododoido]

What is wrong with me? I was with my ex for 5 years. I couldn’t see it at the time but I put up with a lot. I didn’t know for a while into the relationship but he was a cocaine addict. He’d lie about it, he wouldn’t come home at least once a month. I’d found out he cheated on every ex with prostitutes. Obviously this would make me doubt him when he wouldn’t come home. He had an excuse of staying at his family pub because he’d been drinking. I tried so hard to help him and get him to stop behaving this way. My ex would say sorry, he’d think once would be enough. When I’d bring up what had happened, because Si was still upset/angry, he’d say, “I said sorry”. Then a week or two later he would go back to his cocaine, not come home and ignore me etc. Eventually I had enough and called it over. 6 months later he’s in a new relationship and appears to have changed. How can he change so easily for her but wouldn’t for me? The woman he’s with is an ex of his from 15 years ago. He always said she was the only ex he loved. I feel so hurt by it all. To think he had a new life, without a care for me and I’m still hurting. He has a child who I was step mum to, now she’s that woman. She also has her own kids so I feel it’s all happy families. Why do men always manage to come out on top even after they’ve done us dirty.

This type of man is really not worth your mental anguish. You've had a near miss and dumping him was clearly the right decision. Take time to heal, know your boundaries, learn from it and move on knowing you are better off without him.

You loved his potential. You've had a lucky escape, 100 percent he hasn't changed. You should pity this woman rather than envy her. Maybe things seem great because she has low standards so they suit eachother. You'll get nowhere with a liar and especially over drugs. You won't see it now but he has done you a favour.

He's only 'changed' because he's on his best behaviour to get with another woman. He'll soon start the same behaviours with her. Guaranteed. Well done for getting rid of him. You really should be proud of that. So many times on Mumsnet we see people putting up with arseholes but yet they just can't see their own worth and leave.

What makes you think the new woman doesn't also have a monthly coke habit? You're not privy to their lives.

You should be glad he's moved on and hasn't come crawling back to you. You're now free of a prostitute user drug addict, why are you upset?

Be proud you got rid of him. You valued yourself. Move on. There are a hundred more losers if thats what you want to date but I'm sure you can find better.

Nobody actually changes very fundamentally for anyone. He's still the same person it just doesn't look like it from an outside perspective.

@mathanxiety he has his child a few times a week. I told the mother of his child everything when we split. She already knows what he’s like as he did the same to her. I never caught him with prostitutes with me, but she saw texts on his phone to them that’s why they finished. She wants her son to have a relationship with his dad. She’s an educated woman with a good job, she has a new husband and more children with him. So maybe this is why I doubt myself too. She seems to think he is a good dad to their son. Because he pulls it together for him.

@longdistanceclaraclara his new girlf knows all about his past. She’s his ex. He did the same to her years ago. She knows what he’s done to every girlf since. I’ve heard he’s quit the coke, it hurts that I tried so hard for 5 years and now he’s done it so easily for her.

You said it yourself, "That’s what hurts, I tried so hard. To think it was just he is with the right woman now."

He equally wasn't your right man, now it's your turn to meet some new men and find one that prioritises you. (Plus Mr Perfect with his ex will likely revert in a year and you are better away from it).

You can't change other people. You can only focus on yourself. Ask yourself why you put up with this for five years, because that's what you need to work on to change.

@mathanxiety he had a lovely side, is a hard worker. You don’t see the addiction all the time. Only the times he wouldn’t come home. I thought it was an illness and wanted to help him. And now he’s disregarded all that I did and moved on so easily, got a new little family. Is he that bad if the mother of his child still lets him have him. I told her everything. And he did the same to her. Her family all day he’s a good dad. Makes me question myself and if I made the right choice.

Regardless of what he may or may not be doing now, he was a shit boyfriend to you.
He didn't want to change for you.
You should be angry about that, then get over it, because he's not worth it.
You deserve someone who will treat you with respect, not lie and cheat and take coke.
Just because you didn't find text messaging to order prostituted women, doesn't mean he wasn't, he could have just got better at hiding it.
I'm sorry you feel down, but there really is a better world out. 🪻

She is the only woman he has ever loved. Let her have him. Once he can’t keep up the pretence of being a reformed character any longer she’ll dump him again. Just don’t let him come crawling back to you.

You need serious help, focus on that only

He is the same person. He’s pulled this shit before and he will again.
Addicts don’t change for other people. Sometimes they manage to change for themselves. If they really really want to. Sometimes even then they don’t manage to.
You are worth so much more than this. You’re worth having an equal partner who supports you and makes your life better. Not an addict who treats you so badly.

You need to reframe this and get it out of your head that it's about you. It isn't your fault that he couldn't change for you. People can change, evolve and hopefully grow up as they go through different phases of their lives, and you were in his life at a time that he was out of control with drugs. Perhaps he managed rehab and is now at a different stage in his life?

You need to work on your boundaries. Men don't respect women without boundaries and are inconsistent. That's why they shit on you.

Nothing to analyse here. He didn’t love you. Simples.

Move on.

It’s a two part thing:

1. He may not have changed, and even if he has changed for now it’s only been 6 months, he could change right back.

2. Sometimes people just do this, they find someone that makes them want to be a better person. That’s not a reflection on you, it’s just life, not everything is meant to last forever and that is okay.

You need therapy, like yesterday.

Thank you to those of you who have given advice. But I am shocked at how rude and cutting some of you are. When I’m feeling so unbelievably low anyway, to have some of you word things so unsympathetically is astonishing. I appreciate help and advice, that’s why I’m here, but there is a way of phrasing things without being so hurtful.

First of all maybe he's changed. Maybe he hasn't. Maybe you just weren't his person. That doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you.
There are millions of men out there. Are all of them perfect for you? Doesn't mean they are all flawed.

Why do men always manage to come out on top even after they’ve done us dirty

They don't. Just like all women who have done the dirty as you put it don't always end up on top.

There are no rules to the story. Life is what it is. Random. Somethings work. Some don't. It's not that you are not enough .

@Teacherprebaby why? Because I’m feeling hurt! If only I could be as hard as you then I’d be ok.

Me again. I feel like I can relate, you sound like me. Broke up with husband 2 years ago. He hasn't moved on but boy did I doubt myself and think oh but he loves the kids, he's not all bad, should I have left, do people put up with more, what if I was too harsh, I neverrr wanted my marriage to end but he smoked weed, lied so much financially and made some big fuck ups, yet I would think of all the nice things he did and feel guilty. Leaving someone you love is hard but accept that you didn't want this but still stick to moving forward, the bigger the gap and distance the better you will feel, I am living proof. I know it's diff cuz he is with someone else but he's got his feet under the table and it won't be long before he slips back into his old ways. I actually was reflecting today on how proud I feel for being brave and coming out the other side and honestly I am too nice and cried for years not even met anyone else due to healing so I know how it feels. A week or so of being back together and you would be thinking wtf again. Keep going, that's dirty getting with prostitutes too he sounds a real catch drug addict and has to pay people for sex, hardly husband material. Keep looking forwards!

You are pinning your upset entirely based on a rumor that he has given up coke.
But as you say, when you were with him, you could not see it for a long time. She most likely can't see it yet either, I'm sure he is claiming he has just dropped a 20 year habit without rehab assistance, just like that, but it's highly unlikely.
He hasn't changed for her, he's just hiding it better for now until he doesn't anymore. Also, she has low boundaries, as do you if you both knew he has history of using prostitutes and are still even interested in a man who has form for that. Particularly in her case as he did when with her prior, all while claiming he loved the woman he cheated on with prostitutes. Just goes to show, it's a thing he does, regardless of how he feels about his partner, proves he's not going to stop, not for love at any rate.

@Mozzarellaballs thank you for the advice. That sound exactly like me. I’m constantly blaming myself. And now thinking she’s more understanding etc and I should’ve reacted/dealt with things differently. He has adhd too, this is the reason for the addictions. Maybe I should’ve taken more time to understand that and helped him more. I keep thinking they must have a better relationship than what we did etc. it hurts so much. And being single I hear and see so much about other men. So many are doing coke and go with prostitutes, it’s shocking. Makes me think I may aswell have stayed in it, if I met another guy he would be the same anyway. Single life at this age is so difficult. The good ones are settled down. Does time help? It’s been a year , some times I feel so much better but this week I’m having a terrible one. Regretting ending it, even though every time he would do it, he say sorry but I knew in a week or two he would do it again. I felt mentally I couldn’t take it anymore. But knowing the calibre of men out there it’s making me worse.