Why wouldn’t he change for me?

[whattododoido]

What is wrong with me? I was with my ex for 5 years. I couldn’t see it at the time but I put up with a lot. I didn’t know for a while into the relationship but he was a cocaine addict. He’d lie about it, he wouldn’t come home at least once a month. I’d found out he cheated on every ex with prostitutes. Obviously this would make me doubt him when he wouldn’t come home. He had an excuse of staying at his family pub because he’d been drinking. I tried so hard to help him and get him to stop behaving this way. My ex would say sorry, he’d think once would be enough. When I’d bring up what had happened, because Si was still upset/angry, he’d say, “I said sorry”. Then a week or two later he would go back to his cocaine, not come home and ignore me etc. Eventually I had enough and called it over. 6 months later he’s in a new relationship and appears to have changed. How can he change so easily for her but wouldn’t for me? The woman he’s with is an ex of his from 15 years ago. He always said she was the only ex he loved. I feel so hurt by it all. To think he had a new life, without a care for me and I’m still hurting. He has a child who I was step mum to, now she’s that woman. She also has her own kids so I feel it’s all happy families. Why do men always manage to come out on top even after they’ve done us dirty.

@Opentooffers I know I feel ashamed about his past of prostitutes, but since being single and learning so many men out there use them I worry that whoever I meet will have that past. It’s not nice at all, but people do have pasts. I didn’t know it when I met him, I found out further down the line when I was already in love with him so I couldn’t just leave based on his past. It made me feel sick and I lost trust which was hard. But knowing he is now the man I wanted him to be for so long, with his new (yet old) partner, hurts so much. He has adhd and I wonder if I should’ve been more understanding, she has children too, maybe she’s more understanding all around and it’s making me feel like a bad person.

Yes I am pretty sure my ex had adhd too but I know it is in fashion lately so everyone seems to have it and I think aww he couldn't help being impulsiive and wreckless and having addictions but if he's not going to try and get help then what can I do. Plenty of people have adhd and don't use prostitutes and drugs! I would think what a miserable wife I was to him but all we are doing is having a reaction to their action, so apologies if we are not happy through their stupid choices! Have you had any help or have you spoken to family and friends, what do they think about him because they can see from an outside point of view? I went on tablets because without them I was contantly crying, couldn't gain clarity but with them they seem to help me see sense! I think aswel you see women who leave men and go off loving and living their lives but nobody talks about women who leave a man they love because of their behaviour when it is the last thing we want but you have been soo strong and brave and yes I used to think what if this is not that bad and better the devil you know. It will get better and at least you haven't rushed into just any other man and you are propably put off because of how he was but not all men are the same. Once you are further out of this you will think what was I doing wth him! How old are you? Please don't envy the other woman id feel sorry for her, I promise you will be the one winning later on down the line just keep pushing through this hard time to get to the other side.

He was that person to her too, that is why he cheated on her, did drugs and they split.
The fact he is now with her could be one of the below:
It is true, he finally have changed.
He is liying and hiding his true self for a bit.
I would bet on the second one, if I'm honest.

He hasn't changed into the man you wanted him to be. He's in the honeymoon phase with an ex he's romantisised, he said she's the only one he's loved but she's not the same person anymore, people change she's also a mum now. How long can an addict go without drugs with out treatment or help? It sounds like he's a binge user. He'll be bottling up the urge and it it will explode and he'll make a bigger Fk up than he did with you. To be blunt and not mean he didnt change for you because you put up with his behaviour, he saw no reason to change, he treated you the way you let him. The best course of action for you would to be to cut any and all contact, block his number, SM. Tell mutual friends you dont want to hear about his new life. Take time for yourself to heal mentally. You're grieving the loss of the life you envisioned, make a new vision. Write a list of what you want to achieve be it big or small focus on you, get a hobby/plan girls/friends time. Don't ever think it was something about you or what you have done, he's a walking red flag and i can say 100% there are good men even great men out there who will treat you the way you deserve.

Why do you feel so responsible?

He choose to stay addicted by not accepting help. He choose to visit sex workers. He choose to do all the things he did.

All his responsibility. He’s a grown man.

I can imagine it stings. But you have to remember, addicts are always selfish and will never go into rehab for another person. Nothing to do with you. Nor the proceeding nor the going into rehab (if he went and isn’t just deceiving her) was about you, only about him.

Wow, you could be me 10 years ago from the cocaine down to the store child.

He did t change because he's a twat and you're better off out of it.

Step child*

Why are you so convinced he is now the man you wanted him to be? He won't be, you are just not seeing it yet. HE WON'T HAVE CHANGED - let that sink in, and believe it.
Don't know what circles you move in, but I haven't met many men who have used prostitutes, you should stop letting men off the hook for it as though some do, it's not as rife as you think and most don't, so it's not a standard you need to let slide.

@Hydenseek78 this is great, thank you! X

@Mozzarellaballs yes that’s true, maybe the adhd is an excuse for it. Although I was the one who basically diagnosed him, the then got help and they confirmed he had adhd.
and that’s exactly it, my reaction was to his disrespect, but I ended up feeling like I’d overreacted and could’ve handled it differently. He would ignore me and I’d end up saying sorry to him! Family and friends hate him. They think he’s incapable of change. They were fooled by him, as he is a charmer but when we finished I told them about his past and they were disgusted.
what tablets re they if you don’t mind?
I’m 44. My friends are all settled down and it isn’t easy to meet someone.
I hope time helps. It’s the thing of thinking he’s changed and is the man I wanted him to be for her, that’s killing me now.’

I can pretty much guarantee he hasn't changed. He's just doing impression management and making it look like he has.
People that messed up don't change without doing a ton of work on themselves. It doesn't magically happen, no matter who they are with.
Character is set in stone for the most part and his character is not good.

Let it go. Not your circus, not your monkeys. He's her problem now. Focus on enjoying your life, knowing you are free from an albatross who was dragging you down.

sounds like you dodged a bullet with that one! you deserve better..

So he behaved badly, you reacted and then he makes you feel like the one to say sorry-that is manipulation, narcissism and emotional abuse. I felt exactly the same, he would do something unreasonable...again, I'd disagree or have a go or blow up but then it's us the crazy ones, no they just don't like it that we won't accept their behaviour. I am on Sertraline and I feel no shame in taking them.

It's good friends and family hate him, they can see through him and you need them to remind you and get you through it. Your friends are settled down but what chance have you got to have the life you want if you settled for this loser and I know it can be hard when you see people in rubbish marriages but 'at least' they have someone and I'd think am I the idiot because who has ended up seperated from being 'strong' while everyone else is coupled up and I used to post on mumsnet about my ex and I would think but you all don't know him really the person I love so it's easier for you all to say.

I know it hurts seeing him 'happy' but he has not changed!!! Part of the reason you feel like this aswel is because it stems back to how you feel about yourself and your surroundings with friends settled, do not doubt yourself over leaving someone that goes to prostitutes and does drugs, he is a tramp and being with him shows how you see and value yourself. Omg you are so better off without him its just bloody hard but this bit is the fake happy honeymoon persona he will soon revert back to his old ways especially if he is a similar age to you he will neveerrrr change not for her, not for anyone. Do not love someones potential and what they could have been and focus on yourself, I would hate to be that woman and one day you will be thankful you're not her

No way has he changed.

I pity the woman he's now involved with.

@Mozzarellaballs this is brilliant, thank you so much. My family and friends all say the same as you. Guess it’s just harder for me to see when feelings are involved. And yeh I think of the good times all the time, even though the bad far outweigh them. He’s been this way for 20 years. Now in his 40s, it would be a miracle to change by the click of his fingers but it appears that’s what’s happened. The only thing I can think is, I told his mum and mother of his child about his issues and I’ve heard they’ve come down hard on him because they don’t want him to mess up with his son. So I can only think that’s what’s kicked him into shape. Makes me regret not telling them when I was with him. Could’ve sorted things out for us.

@whattododoido I get you think that way because I did too and what if I didn't react that way, was it me, was he that bad etc and as time goes on it will become clearer because my head was so torn and confused! Because he would blame me for example, he lied alot etc and after we split he would say "don't tell me you didn't want this to happen because I would have stayed forever (as would I have wanted to aswel) and you ended this that's why we have split up and you didn't have to leave" and that would mess with my head because the guilt and blame was put on me and I think whattt but you lied?? Anyway like I said to help me think clearly I went on tablets.

The reason you feel like this also is because if you wanted to get back with him it would ease your pain temporarily, it's like a craving and a drug and you would get your fix but now you have withdrawals to get through and we allll remember the good bits and never the bad. I can't even believe I'm here talking like this that's how much it shows you can get through it and even if he turned into this 'wonderful guy' which I very much doubt then he still has a horrible past and was making you say sorry and giving you the silent treatment. He can change and be a good dad for his son doesn't mean he's a good partner and men don't usually change because they are told to i.e his mum, they don't change because their partner is hurting, they only sometimes change when they are suffering and have been left because they're selfish.

You're sounding like she's got the prize, she hasn't it sounds like she's lost, in the long run you will see that but just keep pushing through and be proud of yourself or take him back if you have the chance because believe me you will hate him by the end of it but you will be learning the hard way and wasting your time. Sorry don't mean to lecture 😂

@Mozzarellaballs no please don’t say sorry. It’s great to hear, especially as you have been through it. Not that I’m glad you went through it, but you know what I mean, you’ve come out the other side. You’ve explained it so well. And that’s probably it, he caused the pain but the only one who can end it. But would I be happy going back now anyway. I wasn’t happy for months towards the end. It just hurts that he seems to have sorted himself out for his new partner. Thank you so so much for your time. I really appreciate it x

He’s an addict , he’s unlikely to have changed for her, he’s just become a better liar . Start your life again and be glad he’s not in your life!

Don't look back, he wasn't worthy of you.

Leopards do not change their spots.

Dry your eyes and now it's onwards and upwards.