Can't believe my MIL said this

[clairejnelly]

For context: Me and my husband are self employed. We work full time Mon-Fri.
On Mondays, my children are with my mum at our house. Tues-Fri, they are in nursery. Wednesday evenings, they go to their nanas (my MIL). Yesterday it was bank holiday. But being self-employed, sometimes you have to work. So we spent the entire Sunday afternoon at my husbands warehouse, moving / cleaning / organising (he's moving premises). We have no other help to do this, so we did it ourselves. Thankfully my mum came sunday and stayed over to help, as she normally has them anyways on Mondays. We treated yesterday like any other day... working.I had also given up my on work, to help my husband. We have separate companies.My MIL came by after seeing the van outside the new premises. We were talking about how busy we are etc. Then she made a comment. It could have been a joke. In jest. But it cut deep."They'll (kids) wonder who you both are". What was this meant to mean? I was with my children after nursery on Friday. We had a wonderful day Saturday went to the forest for a walk and on bikes. Then took them for ice cream. Sunday morning we went out walking again, then my mum came and we left for work. Now, I got the impression this was more than just a flippant comment, and it roots deeper. This wasn't about the bank holiday (I mean, kids don't know it's bank holiday anyways). This felt more generalised! We do get a lot of support from my mum. She comes over whenever she can (she lives 1hr away). My MIL lives 10-mins and has them on Wednesday eve. But she doesn't see or have them any other time. It's routine for her. My mum spends a lot of time with them, takes them out, etc. And for us - we get a break when we can. Whether it be to work, or have an evening to ourselves (maybe once or twice a month?!) I'm not going to lie. Kids are HARD WORK. I'm mentally/physically exhausted.I hate being away from my children. I feely guilty all of the time that I am.I did not want to be sweeping floors yesterday at a dusty warehouse, I'd have loved to have had the day off with my family. Sometimes it's necessary to work. Othertimes it's essential to have some time out. My MIL can't even see how run down my husband is, he looks exhausted. He is totally exhausted with this move. But that comment...... cut me deep. I cried all last night.My husband is very sensitive when I talk about his parents, so I try to avoid the little things, but this for me... was big.

You're massively overthinking this

Agree with pp, you are overthinking it. It is not normal to cry all night over ANY comment so what else is happening to cause your tears? Are you worried about money or something else?

I think it hurt you because you are feeling guilty already.
It's important to get the balance right, but sometimes you don't really have a choice
When you're not with them, you know they are happy and loved, so stop beating yourself up

It's one of those times where you get hurt by the comment. Mil may not have meant it unkindly but more mot thinking.

Next time just respond "ouch" to a comment like that. Will make mil consider what she says and will make you feel you expressed your hurt without making a big issue of it.

I'd say, "They wonder who you are - they only see you once a week."

This. It takes a village and all that. Your kids will grow up with the most lovely memories of your mum and all the time she stepped in and supported you.

Your MIL, not so much by the sound of it.

You're both exhausted so try not to take ill thought out comments to heart. Unless she has form for being a complete cow, I'd chalk it up and try to forget about it. Maybe ask your MIL to babysit so you can both get out even if you are just parked in a lay-by having a snooze :)

You know what she meant. She was implying that (due to the help given by her) the children wouldn't recognise you as primary care-giver.

I know how hard this is for you because I also work stupidly. It is in my interest to ensure that my children do not have the same financial constraints as I did. I never relied on any MIL, but I couldn't work and be with my children as much as I wanted to be. My husband took on the care as I earned more and it was a logical choice.

My children are adults now. They are the nicest adults that I know. I wish you a calmer mind here OP because you are trying your best for your children! 🌸

P.S. Ignore her as she is clueless to your long-term goals.

Look, your MIL probably does feel it's a shame that you both have to work so hard and that you don't get more time with your kids. But don't we all feel like that? Life with kids is a perpetual compromise and balancing act, and as much as we might enjoy our jobs and need them for financial and other reasons, surely we all wish there were more hours a day to spend more time with our kids too.

I think you are overthinking it. If before you'd had kids she'd said "it's a shame that you both have to work so hard on a sunny bank holiday weekend", would you be so upset?

I do not agree with pp. At best, she was insensitive and at worst a cow.

It sounds like you both work hard, spend energy on your day to day lives and are knackered. Like most parents with kids.

When you are stressed and tired, small but unkind comments can hurt. And you haven't got the emotional resilience to say "bugger off...you have no idea what you are talking about".

She should be wanting to help, not make snidey judgemental comments. But you missed your chance. Wait till next time to point out that she is being hurtful.

I very very much doubt that's what MIL meant. Massive projection and you are just feeding the OP's insecurities by saying she meant that.

She's touched a nerve because you have the mum-guilt.

It's a juggle and you've got good support.

I think she'd be devastated to know you are so upset.

This

I think it sounds like one of those off the cuff remarks with no malice intended. It is not quite an idiom but it is a phrase people say to hardworking people! I agree with PP that you may be overthinking this because you might be holding some guilt. Your opening post has a 'protest too much' vibe about it. Let it go, you sound like a fabulous family.

This is the sort of clumsy thing my MIL would say and it would bother me too.
But, I know my MIL wouldn't have meant it the way I would have taken it.
You know your MIL, do you think she was saying it to hurt you?

My parents worked hard too. My dad had his own business. I don't recall anything other than being brought up in a close family unit with the addition that I was taught a good work ethic too.

It sounds like you may be feeling guilty, if so, don't. There's no need. If she did mean it as a barb, then don't let her get to you. She can't get your goat if she doesn't know where you tie it up.

Presumably she was at home much more or even full time as a mother of young children. Lucky her that her dh could afford for that to be the family set up. It is the norm now for both parents to need to work. It sounds like you and your dh are working super hard to make a success of your business and juggling this with spending time with your kids too. Please don't take her silly off the cuff remark to heart. Simply reply "That's how it is these days mil, both parents need to work. Thank goodness we don't also have to fork out for childcare costs due to family help god knows how many hours we'd need to work then"

No, she said: "She won't know who you are". She said that - not projecting one bit. Why would she say that otherwise?

You sound so tired, OP, I wonder if her thoughtless remark (because that's probably what it was) has affected you more than it might under more normal conditions, OP.
You and your DP are doing your absolute best for your kids and their future but sometimes it's just so hard. It will get better, though.
I remember when I returned to work after maternity leave, I got a lot of harumphing from other peoplebsaying stuff like 'Huh. Don't know why she bothered having kids when she can"t be arsed to raise them herself,' or similar stuff.
Interesting that men don't get the same comments, isn't it?

She was a bit blunt but nothing worth crying over.

Working 6 days is a lot for you, dh and the kids. But as one off and essential don't feel bad about it. Keeping roof over kids heads also important.

Don't think about it any more, you're already stressed and you'll make yourself ill.

It was a meaningless comment though i suspect it got to you as you're exhausted and already feel bad for working f/t which is absolutely nothing to feel bad about.

Be kind to yourself.

If it's a one-off, then you're over-thinking it.

Exactly. We know what the comment meant because you can't go saying that parents will become "unknown" without the added circumstance, but it was given without any kind of falling out - flippant rather than a "dig" I would think.

Ignore. It shows misunderstanding in your ultimate goals and not worth worrying over.🏵

It sounds as if she's a card-carrying member of the cow brigade and has been all through your husband's childhood, since he's used to treading carefully around her.

You're massively overthinking. It's a common quip, and not to be taken seriously. You've recognised yourself that it could have been a joke, and it almost certainly was. Don't give it another thought.