Can't believe my MIL said this

[clairejnelly]

For context: Me and my husband are self employed. We work full time Mon-Fri.
On Mondays, my children are with my mum at our house. Tues-Fri, they are in nursery. Wednesday evenings, they go to their nanas (my MIL). Yesterday it was bank holiday. But being self-employed, sometimes you have to work. So we spent the entire Sunday afternoon at my husbands warehouse, moving / cleaning / organising (he's moving premises). We have no other help to do this, so we did it ourselves. Thankfully my mum came sunday and stayed over to help, as she normally has them anyways on Mondays. We treated yesterday like any other day... working.I had also given up my on work, to help my husband. We have separate companies.My MIL came by after seeing the van outside the new premises. We were talking about how busy we are etc. Then she made a comment. It could have been a joke. In jest. But it cut deep."They'll (kids) wonder who you both are". What was this meant to mean? I was with my children after nursery on Friday. We had a wonderful day Saturday went to the forest for a walk and on bikes. Then took them for ice cream. Sunday morning we went out walking again, then my mum came and we left for work. Now, I got the impression this was more than just a flippant comment, and it roots deeper. This wasn't about the bank holiday (I mean, kids don't know it's bank holiday anyways). This felt more generalised! We do get a lot of support from my mum. She comes over whenever she can (she lives 1hr away). My MIL lives 10-mins and has them on Wednesday eve. But she doesn't see or have them any other time. It's routine for her. My mum spends a lot of time with them, takes them out, etc. And for us - we get a break when we can. Whether it be to work, or have an evening to ourselves (maybe once or twice a month?!) I'm not going to lie. Kids are HARD WORK. I'm mentally/physically exhausted.I hate being away from my children. I feely guilty all of the time that I am.I did not want to be sweeping floors yesterday at a dusty warehouse, I'd have loved to have had the day off with my family. Sometimes it's necessary to work. Othertimes it's essential to have some time out. My MIL can't even see how run down my husband is, he looks exhausted. He is totally exhausted with this move. But that comment...... cut me deep. I cried all last night.My husband is very sensitive when I talk about his parents, so I try to avoid the little things, but this for me... was big.

It was a thoughtless comment but the fact that you cried all night suggests that you're feeling oversensitive because she hit a nerve? Are feeling overwhelmed and burnt out juggling work and family life? It's really hard when your children are young! Perhaps you could have a chat with MIL and explain that her comment hurt your feelings because you are trying to juggle spending time with the children and working and that you do your best to make the time spent with your children enjoyable. She probably didn't realise how hurtful the comment was.

This is your exhaustion and guilt talking, not really what she said.

You're not charged by the paragraph here.

How many hours are your dc in childcare?
Both my dc were in full time childcare, and they have grown up fine.

My husband is very sensitive when I talk about his parents, so I try to avoid the little things

What are the little things? Is this more of a personality clash or a pattern of behaviour?

I honestly think you are being over-sensitive. She touched à nerve as you (and most other parents) feel guilty about the time they have to dedicate to work and maybe she had a point

Maybe you need to factor in more family time if youre feeling like this after a comment

This is the type of thing my (lovely) MIL might have said. Honestly I think you sound pretty exhausted and pulled in lots of directions. I’ve come to realise with my MIL that there are certain generational observations that get articulated and really they are just different ways of viewing the world. It is such a hugely different world and way of parenting / living than what your MIL might have experienced. FWIW I can imagine my MIL saying the same thing and actually saying with concern underneath. She is constantly shocked by how hard everyone has to work. If you want to I would just gently say to her that you are just feeling so tired that it stung a bit and see how she reacts. She has your kids every Wednesday- I think that’s really kind. When my kids were little sometimes I took things personally and then when less tired realised I was just feeling a bit put upon and fed up. You’re right - kids are hard work and you’ve just had a massive week.

@clairejnelly Oh you poor darling lady. My heart absolutely goes out to you.
You are trying so hard to be a good mum and a supportive wife.
It is lovely that your mum is being a support to you.

Maybe your mil is old enough to remember when wives stayed at home and husbands went to work and that was how is was. Perhaps she saw her parents like that.
I am suprised that the cost of living hasn't made any impact on her. She seems 'out of touch' with cold hard reality.
Your children will not "wonder who you are".
That comment was made in poor taste and ignorance.
Dry your eyes darling lady. Your mil has her head in the clouds.
Sending you much love xx

I am sensitive, that's not a bad thing. I feel deeply when I get a sense of something being said that is hurtful. I am allowed to feel upset. I take responsibility for the guilt I carry, but thoughtless comments have impact on people.

She was probably trying to deflect the attention from her on to you as she is the one who helped the least with such an important move. She should have kept her mouth shut and not make you feel
bad just because she thinks you might think she did not help you over the weekend.
If anyone feels guilty it’s probably her.
I would not give her any head space. You have done more than other parents would have done with no move planned at the weekend.
You are right not to bring it up with the husband, just count yourself lucky your own mum helps out whenever she can.

If she's usually awful, then it was an awful comment. If she isn't- it's just a throw away remark.

It might be worth thinking about how you can lighten the load a bit- it sounds as if you're exhausted. A couple of hours casual work from a local teenager to help with the move, perhaps?

You are misunderstanding. PP isn’t saying you shouldn’t be sensitive. She’s explaining that you are sensitive because deep down you think MiL may have a point.

The issue isn’t what MiL said- if you didn’t agree you’d shrug it off.

The issue is you are uncomfortable with the choices you and your DH have made. They may be the right choices- I wouldn’t know- but you need to feel good about them too. Then you won’t be upset by her comments.

Maybe you can work out that it’s just til Christmas, then you’ll have a better balance.

I’m sure your kids are fine. Maybe it’s you that needs to make a change for your own sake.

I repeat, I don’t know, so I’m not judging. I’m just reading your comments and how you feel about it and making suggestions. You get to choose.

This.

I agree with this.

A comment like this only hurts if you in some way agree that actually, she might have a point.

My MIL is always coming out with little gems like this to various members of the family, and then if anyone pulls her up on it she'll start to cry and say "You've upset me now, of course I never meant..." etc. It's very tiresome. I don't think your MIL was just making a thoughtless comment, although I have no doubt that's how she would describe it, and she may even believe it herself - you'd have to be thick as mince to say something like that without being aware of how potentially upsetting and insulting it would sound.

Fortunately, it has nothing to do with your OP - it's 100% about her own insecurities. My MIL's jabs have zero effect on me because I literally don't care what she thinks about anything - it's very freeing. I would advise cultivating the same attitude. Your own little family sounds lovely, as does your mum.

Sorry, that should say "nothing to do with you, OP".

You cried all last night? I wish I had your problems.

Why would you say that?
Very odd.

When you say Weds evening is that for a sleepover?

It’s the kind of thing my mother would have said. I took no notice, and I’m the other side now and my kids have grown up to be lovely, intelligent kids who do know who I am, and strangely also know who their father is who spent quite a few years working overseas. I mean if someone wanted to hand me some money to stay at home for 18yrs I still wouldn’t have as I’m not just someone’s mother. Maybe your DH can have a word and say comments like that are hurtful. If it has touched a nerve then maybe consider if you need to work as much as you do. Maybe you do, and that’s fine, your kids will be fine. Maybe you can ease off a bit. My kids went to daycare full time and they don’t actually even remember being there.

Honestly OP you are massively overthinking. It's like something I'd say in jest to DH when it's month or year end and he is doing crazy hours or working abroad. Just shrug it off and best of luck with the move.

She hasn’t said anything you’re not thinking, because otherwise you wouldn’t be feeling guilty. If you didn’t think she had a point it wouldn’t have bothered you so much. It’s also a very clumsy way of saying “I think you’re working too hard/too much.”

It’s a thoughtless flippant comment, based no doubt on the fact that when she was younger many more families had stay at home mums. No malice intended, just thoughtless.

Comments do but you can't stop people making them so you have to do the work so you aren't so devastated. Being sensitive is not a bad thing, being over sensitive and dwelling on a remark is, it's only hurting you. You are allowed to feel upset but that's not changing anything. Your thoughts are thoughts not facts , what she said isn't a fact it's an opinion.

Absolutely, I am fully aware - if not exceptionally aware of what I need to work on. Doesn't change being upset by a comment and wanting a safe space to vent.

Being told you are overthinking is not helping someone not overthink. I needed a space to vent. I'm not the sort of person who can shrug it off. Unfortunately, I just wanted to get it off my chest and have some validation for my thoughts.