Can't believe my MIL said this

[clairejnelly]

For context: Me and my husband are self employed. We work full time Mon-Fri.
On Mondays, my children are with my mum at our house. Tues-Fri, they are in nursery. Wednesday evenings, they go to their nanas (my MIL). Yesterday it was bank holiday. But being self-employed, sometimes you have to work. So we spent the entire Sunday afternoon at my husbands warehouse, moving / cleaning / organising (he's moving premises). We have no other help to do this, so we did it ourselves. Thankfully my mum came sunday and stayed over to help, as she normally has them anyways on Mondays. We treated yesterday like any other day... working.I had also given up my on work, to help my husband. We have separate companies.My MIL came by after seeing the van outside the new premises. We were talking about how busy we are etc. Then she made a comment. It could have been a joke. In jest. But it cut deep."They'll (kids) wonder who you both are". What was this meant to mean? I was with my children after nursery on Friday. We had a wonderful day Saturday went to the forest for a walk and on bikes. Then took them for ice cream. Sunday morning we went out walking again, then my mum came and we left for work. Now, I got the impression this was more than just a flippant comment, and it roots deeper. This wasn't about the bank holiday (I mean, kids don't know it's bank holiday anyways). This felt more generalised! We do get a lot of support from my mum. She comes over whenever she can (she lives 1hr away). My MIL lives 10-mins and has them on Wednesday eve. But she doesn't see or have them any other time. It's routine for her. My mum spends a lot of time with them, takes them out, etc. And for us - we get a break when we can. Whether it be to work, or have an evening to ourselves (maybe once or twice a month?!) I'm not going to lie. Kids are HARD WORK. I'm mentally/physically exhausted.I hate being away from my children. I feely guilty all of the time that I am.I did not want to be sweeping floors yesterday at a dusty warehouse, I'd have loved to have had the day off with my family. Sometimes it's necessary to work. Othertimes it's essential to have some time out. My MIL can't even see how run down my husband is, he looks exhausted. He is totally exhausted with this move. But that comment...... cut me deep. I cried all last night.My husband is very sensitive when I talk about his parents, so I try to avoid the little things, but this for me... was big.

Are you new here?

You'll only get validation on Mumsnet if people think you're right. Posting that you cried all night over a slightly thoughtless quip, isn't going to get 100% of posters posters saying 'poor you'

I really don’t think it’s that deep to be upset by her comment. If you choose to work full time then clearly you are going to have less quality time with your children. This is in no way a criticism. I worked full time from my baby being seven months old. It was brutal. There’s always a trade off. No one can have it all.

It’s ok to feel upset by her comment but I’d encourage you OP to think why it upset you so much? Is it because she’s often rude and gets away with it? Is it because you’re missing seeing your kids? Is it because you’re working hard and burned out?

Often we have a reaction like this when something is bubbling beneath the surface and this tips it over.

You’re not overthinking, it was a shitty judgemental thing to say.

Are you happy with your situation op? It sounds like you aren't and are feeling guilty so the comment hurt. They are away from you a lot, 5 days a week plus one evening every week, but if it works for your family and you're happy with it then it's fine. If you're not happy then you need to work out what to change.

Op, your MIL as well as some posters here seem to be oblivious to what self-employment means: you take the time off, you don’t get paid. It’s as simple as that. And there are two of you in the same boat.
holidays cost twice as much, BHs the same.
it’s nice to be employed and enjoy a BH here and there when your wages are the same at the end of the month.
Op, do not let anyone get to you with their thoughtless comments.

It was a shitty unkind thing to say.
You are not wrong.
Your husband and yourself are working very hard to build a business which is not easy.
You are doing your best and your MIL is wrong, your children know exactly who you are.
Your mother sounds like a wonderful support.

@HappiestSleeping

She can't get your goat if she doesn't know where you tie it up

I've never heard that before, but I like it!!

How long are they in nursery for?

@Overthebow

no more so (except the Wednesday night maybe) than any other family with 2 full time working parents. Is it ideal (not in my opinion) but sadly it's the way it is for most now.

This.

I work FT (my DP is a SAHP) and I know my mum thinks it's terrible that I don't spend more time with my children. She makes the odd comment, not meaning to be unkind but because she genuinely thinks its awful for me and for my kids that I work FT (she was a SAHP). I am comfortable with my decision however so I don't let it get to me.

If you know you are doing the best for your family then don't sweat it.

“SummerInSun · Yesterday 14:46
Look, your MIL probably does feel it's a shame that you both have to work so hard and that you don't get more time with your kids. But don't we all feel like that? Life with kids is a perpetual compromise and balancing act, and as much as we might enjoy our jobs and need them for financial and other reasons, surely we all wish there were more hours a day to spend more time with our kids too.

I think you are overthinking it. If before you'd had kids she'd said "it's a shame that you both have to work so hard on a sunny bank holiday weekend", would you be so upset?”

This with bells on. Except for two not hugely long mat leaves, I’ve worked outside the home more or less full time throughout my DCs’ childhoods. I got used to feeling that, at any given point in time, I was letting someone down - sometimes DCs, sometimes my employer. But we still had lots of quality time with DCs. And I also have friends who were SAHMs and felt some guilt for not working once DCs were in school.

Play to your strengths. SAHPs and WOHPs bring different but equally valuable things to the table. I would have been a hopeless SAHP. I think I’m a pretty good WOHP. Your MIL’s remark was thoughtless but if you generally get on well with her, just let it float on by.

MIL makes an off the cuff comment that anyone with a lifetime of experience might think and she’s evil personified… oh and the maternal mother is lauded as a saint… a typical MIL hating day on mumsnet. 🙄

It's the sort of thing my mum would say - a bit passive aggressive as it can be shrugged off as not serious - not really meant to hurt, but yes, probably making a point.

Depending on how robust I was feeling at the time she said things like that I would either feel hurt, angry or amused. But how much do you care about what she thinks, really? By definition she is a different generation, and will have different norms and values. That's ok, as are your own norms and values. Neither of you is right or wrong. She might think that children should be with their mum, and you that everyone should contribute financially to the family and to wider society. Arguments can be made for both points of view, but they go round in circles - you're unlikely to change one another's mind. Presenteeism in the home is no different from at work - just being there is no guarantee that you (or anyone) is doing a good job. Just give her an amused (arch) sort of look and ignore it.

I think this may be it, yes...
Unless there's a back story with your MIL (i.e. you feel she disrespects you and your DH or ignores your children...). The comparison with your mum also seems to indicate that you think your MIL doesn't do enough. Maybe it was offensive to you that she gives her opinion re the way you raise your children when she is not even that involved? (Nothing new, right? 😉)
Anyway, there's nothing wrong with a good old cry, if you ask me! But consider that something feels off with the situation to the point that a passing comment hurts you so much (maybe you really feel guilt and thus you should adress it; or maybe you've reached a limit of mistreatment by your MIL and then an apparent "joke" feels like the last straw...).

@MsNeis i think there is history with the in laws as the op has mentioned she’d rather not say anything to her DH as he has always been a bit touchy if anything was said about his DPs.

I can kind of get what your MIL is getting at. You’ve had a number of children who don’t sound like they’re at school, yet spend 5 days a week plus 1 evening out of the house with someone else - plus a Sunday when you leave them again with your mum.

I do understand with the cost of living things are hard, but I do wonder at times why people have children if they are going to outsource them to others most of the time. Perhaps your reaction is because you know this yourself, that you maybe need to revisit things to see how you can juggle things more so you can spend more of your time with them whilst they are this young?

@clairejnelly you say you wanted validation for your thoughts. Do you mean you are simply looking for people to agree with you or do you mean that you want people to acknowledge your thoughts and then provide you with their take on it?
I would be looking for the second approach because something might be suggested which I hadn't thought of.
It's fine to have a vent now and again but you must remember that there is a possibility you might be being unfair to her as there are several explanations why she might have said this, beyond her simply being bitchy or critical (I don't think she was FWIW).

Talk about putting the boot in. What a horrid thing to say.

There are plenty of kids who spend 5 days a week in nursery, long days at that and are thriving. In this case the OP has family support so when they are not in nursery they are in a loving family environment.

That the OP had to spend a weekend day working as a one off to support her husbands business move is not a long term picture of neglect / or what was the point in having kids that you are implying.

It was a bad week, they are both shattered [but still made time to do activities with the kids] and have limped into the working week on their knees. @clairejnelly I hope you both have a chance to get some down time this weekend and do absolutely nothing.

Sorry…..I don’t think I mentioned neglect anywhere?

I have chosen not to have children for the very reason that I would not be able to spend enough time with them for financial reasons.

people are entitled to different opinions - I was simply asking if this was a reason that the comment made her so upset, and if so, perhaps review what she can do to change that.

I don’t think your MIL meant to hurt you, but if she felt the comment was valid , she needs to understand that it applies to her son too. She may simply have felt that it would be nicer if you didn’t have to work so hard.

For what it’s worth ( and I may be your MIL’s generation) , I think it’s good for children to grow up knowing that both parents can work outside the home, and that the reality is they may have to.

It sounds like you have great childcare arrangements, and your children can feel secure with the wider family/ carers they have. Don’t let her throwaway comment get to you. You are doing great.

Don't worry about it - my mum said my baby wouldn't recognise me if I went back to work after one year.

She never said the same about DH having to go back after two weeks!

just ignore it...

Great idea, and then she may decide to no longer provide free weekly childcare. Kids seeing their grandmother once a week is far more than many, and you want OP to act ungrateful for that?

As others have said, I think you need to think about why this flippant comment upset you. Your MIL was probably wondering why you were working so hard on a Bank Holiday, and if this is exhausting your husband as much as you say, she may be pretty worried and frankly, disagree with your priorities.

But your priorities are yours to choose and you need to come to terms with them and be happy with them. It sounds as though you are struggling with that. Maybe something to think about in the longer term?