Brother disowned my partner advice

[Simplymeunapologetically]

Hi Everyone

Am I going crazy?
In short we had a night out booked, my partner and I, my brother and his partner and my son.
On the night my partner said he may leave early.
My brother then cancelled and didn't come because he said my partner was out of order to him!

I no longer have a relationship with my brother because he says my partner was out of order towards him for suggesting he may leave early.

I say it's nothing to do with my brother and my partner doesn't have to answer to him.

Am I wrong?
Thanks

Mmm while we're doing that you could look up "relevance" and "manners"

You're hardly anyone I'm going to take advice from.

Does your brother use drugs? That's the kind of chaos I see in people who've rotted their brains over the years.

Your brother sounds like the kind of teenager who shouts 'I'm not speaking to you!' and then continually reminds you that they aren't speaking to you by telling you so.

It all sounds a wee bit juvenile, but your brother is definitely in the wrong. And why on earth does he keep talking about your brother and how he's been 'disowned'? If he doesn't want anything to do with your partner then now is the time to shut up and just not speak to him again, not harp on about how he's not speaking to him all the time.

Yes that's what I've said even though I don't think ag 47 I should have to explain myself. I actually enjoy time alone and having been in a toxic relationship appreciate having a partner who has the right morals for his child. It's nice when he comes home as we have things to talk about and enjoy each others company but my brother thinks its all dodgy with no real evidence go state that it is.

I used to talk to my brother about everything but I don't anymore. He also doesn't believe when I say there's nothing to say about my relationship (eg things going wrong) he thinks I'm hiding something sinister

It's awful. I've truly had enough

No but he's always been highly strung and outspoken

If you've arranged a night out and one of the people says early in the evening that they're leaving early for no reason lots of people would find that rude. Fair enough if you don't, and I'd personally think it such a minor thing is probably not even say anything. But it isn't for you to decide what other people find rude in your partner. You can only made that judgement for yourself.

That said, I think your brother sounds quite controlling of you tbh. When you said he's made comments about how you live I thought you were going to say stuff like DP refusing to do any housework or spending money on himself and you never get to do the same. Your additional details suggest you're best taking a step back from your brother as he seems out your cause trouble for no good reason.

Thanks. I would agree if it was out of the ordinary for anyone in the group to leave early but not acceptable for one partner and not the other that makes it selective but you're right a simple that's a bit rude and move on would suffice.

My brother has always been like my keeper since we lost our parents but since I've been with this partner and happy he seems to think my partner has an ulterior motive than just loving me and I am hiding how bad it really is in my relationship which ultimately I find rude to think that I'm in need of monitoring or that om not capable of making decisions or living my life how I wish to live it which is actually quite normal (working, going fir walks, occasional weekends away, day trips etc).

My brother and his partner cancelled and didn't come but we all went and stayed until the end

So they didn't come, then they did come?
It doesn't make sense.

I wonder if your brothers dislike of your partner actually stems from insecurity. Your brother needs to feel like he's the number one in your life, perhaps?

There's a trope of MILs who think no woman could ever be worthy of their son. I wonder if there is a similar dynamic going on with your brother - if so, maybe a really honest conversation in which you tell him you love him and always will, but that his attitude towards your partner is really making you lose respect for him - maybe that could help?

It would be such a shame to lose your (only?) sibling over this total non-issue. And it shouldn't be you having to solve this, but sometimes you have to be the bigger person and try to find a way through with love.

Otoh your brother could just be a complete and utter cock who you're better off not having in your life. Only you know!

Sorry, I didn't explain well.
We met up to go out at 5pm, my partner mentioned to me about possibly leaving early, my brother got wind of it then said he wasn't coming because it was out of order for him to leave early and went home with his partner so my son, my partner and i still went out and stayed until the end

You're absolutely right. I have tried twice to speak on the phone and go to his house to have a conversation as you've said.
It didn't end well as he says when I say we are family let's talk that I'm emotionally blackmailing him.
My partner also reached out and said let's meet up for some food to move on but he wasn't having it.

To an extent I've changed a lot since being with my partner (5 years) and become less people pleasing and I don't share details of my life wirh my brother anymore as I got sick of the comments and I'm actually happier because of it.
I also tried saying thanks for the advice but everything is fine but he thinks I'm hiding something.

He is my only surviving family member which is why I tolerated and laughed it off for so long but now I feel like he's targeting my partner over something trivial so I'm standing my ground and not backing down. I feel like why should I spend time with him and his partner but he will only spend time with me and my son when my partner isn't around.

I've basically had enough and thought I'd ask in here to see if it is me that's in the wrong for saying its not a big deal that my partner 'said' he may leave early or if in fact im right for thinking my brother is taking things too far and that I deserve to just be happy and left to be happy.

Also my son is 18 and loves my partner, he's a great father figure and has a great relationship with him. He is also shocked at how my brother is acting and says Mum just ignore him and be happy.

It's tricky as I could lose my only family member for standing up for what I believe is right.

@Simplymeunapologetically if you are happy in your family unit, I mean most of the time, your son likes your partner, you like him (on a good day!) and he's a good dad to his own son, then I'd just stick to your family unit.

You can't change your brother and if it isn't this excuse, it'll be another thing your partner has done 'wrong' in the future, you just aren't going to win. In the past, I suspect you've tried to please your brother, and agree with what he said, and now you are more independent, and happier and not in an abusive relationship, his role as your protector has gone.

I'd leave the door open, but I wouldn't chase after your brother any more- your son is right, live your own life, it's sad but you can't control him, and you've offered to make up and your partner has also offered the olive branch. He doesn't want to take it for now, so I'd leave it, sad though it is.

The other option is to see your brother on your own, just the two of you. Ask him not to talk about your partner at all as it's upsetting you and you don't feel it's accurate, but you do want to see your brother. I would only do that if your brother is essentially a good person who has gone a bit wrong. If he's not very nice and you are clinging to him as he's family then I think I'd be inclined to let it go for now.

Thank you.
I appreciate everyone's advice even those I may not agree with.
Up until today I have just been responding to his messages being surface level with no deeper discussions. Sadly the deeper discussion today was about my partner again so I'm going to go back to surface level responses.

My brother and i have always been very close as we are only a year apart in age and more so since my parents and sibling passed away. I feel I've tried and I'm the best version of myself now and that's partly to do with being in a good and healthy relationship.
Sadly I will miss his partners big birthday abroad this year (who ive known for 25 years) because my partner isn't invited so I have declined the invitation.
Unfortunately this will continue to be the case because I don't think it's fair on my partner to be ousted for such a trivial reason so I will continue to decline invitations from my brother.

No relationship is perfect but I can say I don't have anything but a soulmate who isn't keen on clubbing with a few rough edges but who doesn't.

It's very sad but until he stops commenting I have no choice

Is it worth reaching out to your brother’s partner to see if there’s something else bothering your brother?

Your brother is coming across as controlling though.

Thanks. I have also tried this and his partner says he doesn't want to get involved so this isn't an option.

Sounds like they’re as bad as each other, throwing their toys out of the pram, and also it’s a huge overreaction.

SO, partner said he wasn’t going to stay the whole night, as planned , and brother cancelled as a result, and now no one is talking to each other! How silly everyone is.

It’s perfectly fine to leave early from stuff. I leave early from things all the time. I get tired and fed up with people drunkenly telling the same story or ranting on about the same thing that happened in 2014 that still pisses them off. It’s fine. No one has to be stuck with people they don’t want to be around.

Your brother certainly sounds unpleasant, so I can see why anyone might want to spend less time with him. I’d see this as making it easier to spend less time with him in the future. Sounds ideal really.

So this all came about over something that didn't even happen in the end?

Your brother clearly wants to create a disagreement. Let him. How much will it change your life?

That’s mental. Some people just don’t like drinking late. I’m knackered by 10pm these days

Sorry have now read the other replies. It is going to have an impact clearly but more on him than you, going by this:

My brother and I are clubbers so my partner agreed to come along as my brothers partner also isn't a clubber and always leaves early

Looks like he's stuck for someone to go clubbing with if he falls out with you! Stay quiet and wait till he works that out.

I wouldn't give a shit if any of my brothers or sisters partners wanted to leave early or not come at all to anything I had planned because why would I 🤨 maybe I'm far 2 laid back but life is far 2 short for this bullshit. Also can't see any of my siblings kicking off about partners leaving early it's a non issue and your brother sounds like a controlling nob

It's awful isn't it.
My partner has been ousted from our family group over nothing. Prior to this we all used to meet up for meals out, dinner and drinks at home, weekends away, walks etc

I agree. As I got past 45 I decided I will do what I want when I want as I've never had an issue with others doing the same.
I've never had an issue with his partner leaving early or going to bed early. We have just carried on having fun after he has left and I'm just happy he has done as he wanted to do without feeling bad.