How to end relationship when you love him

[despolo]

Hi all, I'm going through a really tough time right now so would appreciate some advice and hopefully support if possible.

I am 27 and have been with my fiancé for 3 years (he's 26)

When we first got together I knew he was a bit of a party animal, and I was exactly the same. We've had a great 3 years and moved in to our first house 6 months ago.

The problem is, I have outgrown the party lifestyle - don't get me wrong I still love going out, but I don't want to be going out and getting pissed every single weekend, staying up sooo late and feeling awful the next day.

He still continues to want to do this, his whole life revolves around drinking. We don't do anything nice together, he just wants us to go down the pub. For example, on Friday we went out for a meal with some friends, he ended up having a couple of drinks and getting so pissed and spent yesterday severely hungover and sat in the house. Today he's gone out with friends and said he'd be back by 5pm, surprise he's still not home. I am sat at home alone not knowing what to do with myself as all of my friends are busy.

Can I add that during these nights out he is known for taking cocaine, so all of his money is basically being spent on drink and drugs.

We have had so many conversations about this and he promises he'll change and we'll start doing more together, he doesn't want that life anymore, etc but after a week or so, it's back to his going out.

I've gotten to the point now where I realise he isn't going to change and that I can't keep begging for the bare minimum, he claims that he loves me so much and couldn't live without me but then all he does is make me feel down. I don't want to live like an 18 year old anymore we're adults!

He is so lovely in every other way and I trust him with my life, but this issue is just never going to go away is it?

Does anybody have any advice or words of wisdom please? As I am just feeling so low about the whole thing

He says he loves you and couldn't live without you, but actions speak louder than words, don't they? He knows his behaviour upsets you, but he carries on doing it.

You need to have a proper heart-to-heart and give him an ultimatum. But you really have to mean it, and be prepared to carry it through.

I'm so sorry.

@invisiblecat thank you so much for your kind comment. I know you are right, he says all of the right things but he doesn't follow through with it. I have had the conversation so many times and he cries and promises that things will be different, but they never are x

Can I add that during these nights out he is known for taking cocaine, so all of his money is basically being spent on drink and drugs.

Oh, sweetheart, he's not the man for you and you know it.

Please dump his ass. He will just bring you to rock bottom the longer you stay with him.

He doesn't love you. He loves his drink and drug addiction more.

Get out now while you still have some agency over your own life.

You have grown apart and that’s ok. It happens.
tell him you care for him and wish him well, but it’s not the life you want and he is no longer making you happy. Don’t sacrifice your years waiting for something that may never happen. He needs to grow up - this could take him a lifetime.

Thank you all, I must be an emotional wreck as I have tears reading these comments and I'm not normally an emotional person at all😂

I know, I am wasting my time. I'm 27, with children for example, there is no way I could have a baby with this man as I know that I would feel so alone being pregnant / with a child while he is out all the time.

I really need to seriously think about what I'm going to do next x

I have had the conversation so many times and he cries and promises that things will be different, but they never are x

This is your future. Until you take the bull by the horns.

He will never change. Or are you going to wait until he gets caught drink and drug driving and end up in jail?

I hope to fuck you don't have any children with him. (Excuse my language).

Get out now. Life is good on your own. Better that than with a man on a downward spiral. They don't change.

@suburberphobe no we haven't got any children. It's something he wants, but I could never risk that with him right now!

You tell yourself that no matter how much you think you love him that you love yourself more. You owe it to yourself to NOT settle for a crap relationship with someone who drinks, takes drugs and doesn't want to grow up.

He might pretend he loves you more than anything, but he's not prioritising you in any way whatsoever.

The relationship has run its course and you will be better off without him. Don't look back - your future self will thank you.

@despolo

Good.

Please double up on your contraception and I suggest some counselling to help you get out of this terrible toxic relationship.

You deserve a thousand times better than this. He's left you home alone to prioritise going out getting high with his friends after being hungover all day yesterday, that's not love that's pure selfishness.

He's already had one night drinking this weekend.

Love yourself and end this before you end up home alone every weekend with a baby while he's still getting high at 30. His words mean nothing.

You will find someone worth your love who will treat you with respect 🌼

@Hatty65 thank you. You are so right. I know that I'll thank myself as I feel like he's bringing me down and not adding anything to my life.

I do love him, and really worry about going through a break up but I think a few hard months will be worth it

Many couples change as they grow older and want different things from life. Doesn't make either one right or wrong. Also, doesn't you can suddenly stop loving him. However, you equally have to accept that you are on different paths and that ending this relationship is the healthy thing to do for yourself.

26 is still quite young to be giving up a party lifestyle ( im assuming this is juat weekends amd he works during the week). I'd lay out how you want your life to look with him amd maybe give him 6 months for him to decide if that's what he wants too. If it isn't you'll have to split up.

If it’s not time for him, it’s not time. I speant years drinking and doing drugs but when it was time to stop I stopped. If it’s not time for him you’re fighting a losing battle.

I was you 18 years ago. I believed his promises, had 2 kids and am literally this week just divorced after a long and traumatic marriage marred by alcohol and drugs and a very damaged daughter. Please believe what he's showing you and DO NOT END UP BEING ME. Please!

Marriage not marred by dd, she's marred by him!

As others have said, you seem
to just be growing apart, and it may just be time to accept that. He shouldn’t lie and say things are going to change, but really he shouldn’t have to change either.

Youl never be his priority..
Sadly the drink and drugs are.

And whilst you're waiting for him to change you're wasting time. you could be finding someone who does want the same as you. I know you've got plenty of time to be having kids but you could also still be here at the age of 35 waiting for him to come home and your bio clock ticking..

I say this as someone whos 35 Yr old former partner was a drink and drug addict and he died last year after one of his binges.
He never grew out of the partying and we had so so many arguments.

Also, he obviously wrecked his fertility with the drink and drugs... He died with no kids.

This is not the man for you!

I was married first time at 19, we had a party lifestyle and at 28 I was ready for a baby. He wasn't, so we had to divorce. It was the hardest thing I ever did. I loved him so much but he hadn't grown up one bit in that almost decade.

@despolo make your decision on how he is right now, not on how he could be (should he change). The gap could get bigger and bigger as you continue to move forward with your life and he stays stuck right where he is. I know you say he’s lovely in every other way, but this is a huge part of him that you cannot overlook anymore.

Things can only be different if someone changes what they are doing.

If he won't or (due to the cocaine) can't, then it would need to be you who changes what you are doing, and I'm guessing you already know that leaving is becoming the only option left open to you.

I was you almost 40 years ago!!!
Together 3 years ( most fun I ever had) - he was my first love, however....
Drink ruled.
We never had any spare money.
The day we moved into our new house, I found out he'd got £10 left in his account- the money he'd been paid for a big job (freelance ) literally £100's - a lot back then, had all gone on booze.
He was unreliable and irresponsible, but I loved him so much.
I didn't really get over him until I met my now dh. (Several years later).
Meeting dh was like 'the grownups had joined the conversation'
Though my ex and dh are very much alike in some ways (we all have a type)
Dh hobbies are all home based - not the pub.
He'll have a drink - maybe one or 2 , but he can take it or leave it.
We live in a beautiful house , have a very healthy bank account and take very good care of each other.
He's my best friend, and we would walk through hell for each other.
We also have an amazing adult child together.
And my ex?
No he didn't change.
On his third marriage - doing well through 15 years?
Shed load of kids from first marriage.
Rents a small, but nice house.
But can sink 6 pints a night.
Saw him briefly, from a distance , twice about 8 months ago.
And yes my heart did miss a beat - but though I loved him....he was never good for me.

OP, he is not just a party animal. It sounds like he is an addict. Addicts always say those things; they'll stop, they love you, bla bla bla. They may even mean them at the time they say them. However, their first priority is feeding the addiction so they will always break their promises. Addicts aren't ever really in relationships with people. They are in a relationship (so to speak) with substances, which will always come first. Without some kind of help to give up booze and cocaine he is not going to change. However, it is not for you to get him that help. He has to do it himself and he has to want to change.

Thank fuck you are wise enough to know you have to leave him. You're only 27, you have a lifetime ahead of you. If you stay, you will have nothing but bitter regret.

If you own the house you, see if you can buy him out or find out how to sell it as quickly as possible.

You know what you have to do. It will be hard but so worthwhile - good luck. You sound intelligent and resourceful. Draw on those strengths to end this dead end relationship.