How to end relationship when you love him

[despolo]

Hi all, I'm going through a really tough time right now so would appreciate some advice and hopefully support if possible.

I am 27 and have been with my fiancé for 3 years (he's 26)

When we first got together I knew he was a bit of a party animal, and I was exactly the same. We've had a great 3 years and moved in to our first house 6 months ago.

The problem is, I have outgrown the party lifestyle - don't get me wrong I still love going out, but I don't want to be going out and getting pissed every single weekend, staying up sooo late and feeling awful the next day.

He still continues to want to do this, his whole life revolves around drinking. We don't do anything nice together, he just wants us to go down the pub. For example, on Friday we went out for a meal with some friends, he ended up having a couple of drinks and getting so pissed and spent yesterday severely hungover and sat in the house. Today he's gone out with friends and said he'd be back by 5pm, surprise he's still not home. I am sat at home alone not knowing what to do with myself as all of my friends are busy.

Can I add that during these nights out he is known for taking cocaine, so all of his money is basically being spent on drink and drugs.

We have had so many conversations about this and he promises he'll change and we'll start doing more together, he doesn't want that life anymore, etc but after a week or so, it's back to his going out.

I've gotten to the point now where I realise he isn't going to change and that I can't keep begging for the bare minimum, he claims that he loves me so much and couldn't live without me but then all he does is make me feel down. I don't want to live like an 18 year old anymore we're adults!

He is so lovely in every other way and I trust him with my life, but this issue is just never going to go away is it?

Does anybody have any advice or words of wisdom please? As I am just feeling so low about the whole thing

I’m in the same boat. For similar, but not the same reasons.

I’m not in a relationship where I’m looking to have children etc (older than you and my DC is an adult) but all DP wants to do of an evening or weekend is get high, play console games and watch films. I love him dearly as a person, and we have lots to talk about etc but I can’t help wondering if there’s more to life. I feel like a blend of his Mum, boss and unpaid carer. It’s hard not to resent it.

Watching your responses with interest and just wanted to send some solidarity. I think I’d be thinking again if I was 27 like you, instead of 43.

I was you 8 years ago. A whirlwind of a relationship that lasted 14 months in which we partied hard and had copious amounts of fun. But I soon realised he wanted to do this forever and the relationship fell apart.

He’s now 34 and still living the party lifestyle and looks like shit.

Some people never grow up - don’t waste any more time on him, OP. Get out while you’re still young, no kids, and have your whole life ahead of you.

It's going to hurt, but your future self will thank you and be happy.

I really feel for you.
You can see exactly what the situation is, but your heart still feels the love.
It will always be a great shame that the life he is living is a fraction of the potential he could live if he was willing to make different choices.
How sad that how he spends his money and time effectively rules out so many other preferable options.
Pp are right though and he has shown, this won't change.
Maybe, small hope, but maybe if he has a backbone for change in there (deeply hidden) the realisation his choices have cost him you and your shared life might be the making of him. But while he can have his cake and eat it the need to change isn't strong enough to overcome his reliance and habit of this expensive dead end lifestyle.
Maybe this is a turning point for both of you.
You'll never regret having known and loved him, I'm sure you've both learned a lot about yourselves and others from your time together and it will help you both as your life goes on apart.

It is a sad fact that it is far far easier to drag someone down than it is to haul them up and you'll break yourself even trying to win that tug of war.

Love = what you do not what you say. Action speak louder than words. He is telling you all you need to know loud and clear.

Saying he will change isn’t enough. He has to want to change.

he’s an alcoholic and drug addict. You have three choices here:

you stay with him and don’t have children. In ten, fifteen years time you’re left to pick up the pieces of your life when he dies of drink and drug related issues and it’s too late to have children.

you stay with him and have children who will be in therapy by the time they grow up because of growing up with a junky for a father and a mother who enabled until his death.

or you walk away now and thank your lucky stars you did.

You don’t love him. You love who he could be if he wasn’t a drunk and a junky. And he’s not that person.

It's a wonderful thing that you have come the realisation that this can't work.

You are so young, you can pull out yourself and your life together. lt will definitely be the best thing for you and you have to put yourself first. After all, he is putting himself first.

You don’t love him. You love who he could be if he wasn’t a drunk and a junky. And he’s not that person

I think this s true. You love what he could have been but he isn't and you can't make people into something they are not.

You say you trust him , but he is t trustworthy as he keeps saying he ll change but never does . You can’t trust his word . He has no intention of working hard to stop his addiction of drugs , drink and pubs. There’s more to life and you deserve more . You both are not compatible. Do yourself proud and raise your bar . Not for him to reach as he can’t and won’t but for someone else . He’s not for you . Don’t believe him ever again . You’re wasting your own precious time and life waiting .

He's a Peter Pan teenager inside a 26yo's body. When you moved in together you were at the same life stage - and now you're not. Do you want a future where you see yourself waiting in for him and can't afford the bills cos he's blown it down the pub with his mates? Or effectively being a single parent because he's out drinking every weekend?

You need to sit him down have a calm chat, tell him he's used up his chances, and end it. Both of you find someone who wants the same things in life, and don't stay together full of resentment: him because you've made him put a cap to his weekends with his mates, and you resentful that you're not his priority in life more than partying.

It won't be easy, but it'd be a darn sight easier to end it now, than later down the line when you've got DC in the equation.

I don't agree with pp that your DP is necessarily an alcoholic or a drug addict. Lots of people in their mid-20s drink and do coke at the weekends- it isn't great, especially the cocaine, but it's not necessarily indicative of a huge addiction issue.

Most of the men I have known went out every weekend in their 20s, and most of them have matured and settled into perfectly normal people with normal relationships with alcohol. So I don't think that your DP will ruin his life by living this way on weekends now.

However, he isn't the man for you OP. You're ahead of him, have matured before him, and he doesn't care enough about upsetting you to change. It's so hard for you, but splitting up is the right thing.

He's not ready to change his lifestyle. Actions speak louder than words. You aren't compatible and don't gave the same aspirations at this time. Such a good thing you realised this before having a baby or thinking this will make a difference. Sorry, but you've got to walk away, a drunk drug user is not someone that will enhance your life.

Thank you so much everybody. Reading these comments are comforting and making me feel less alone.

Same thing again last night, he didn't get home until late and was ignoring my texts, came home pissed now he's hungover so I'm going to go out with my friend.

I'm fighting a losing battle tbh and it's pushing me away more each time he does this. He's upset today now promising it'll be different and begging for 'one last chance'

You're very wise to realise this man is not changing and doesn't want to live how you do. Time to be strong and move on. He's had enough chances.
Good luck.

He loves his addiction to booze and coke more than you. End it, move out. It may be his wake up call but sadly that's unlikely.

You only have one life. Don’t waste it on hankering after a life you will never have.
The drink and drugs will drag him down and he will drag you down with him.
No matter how much you love him he doesn’t love you enough to keep away from the lifestyle he wants/needs. This comes before you or anything else.

What's your living situation? Do you rent or mortgage? Can you move back with your parents at short notice or do you need to find other accommodation?
Start with a trial separation and make it permanent if he can't maintain a consistent sensible lifestyle for at least 6 months. Bear in mind not to drag it out too long if you want DC's in future, for now you still have time. If he can't get his act together after you've left, he never will.

I think he has substance abuse issues and is at a pivot point in his life. Either it tips into full blown addiction (which will define him and you forever) or he gets clean. He isn't ready to get clean though. Go stay with your parents and think about it without him pleading and wheedling. Imagine life with two kids in 10 years time, with debt and unhappiness because of his addictions and behaviours. At what point while intoxicated and out will he cheat on you or move on to gambling while his judgment is impaired. I don't agree with posters downplaying the issues.

What he is doing isn't inherently bad. You're just a different phases on your life. At 27 I was only interested in working hard during the week and partying all weekend. I wasn't ready to settle down and being more grown up. You've grown apart.

Can I add that during these nights out he is known for taking cocaine, so all of his money is basically being spent on drink and drugs

Almost every time I've read about a man doing cocaine on Mumsnet, it goes like this -

Cocaine + Prostitutes & strip cubs + dangerous driving

Maybe the women who are coming on here are those who have partners where the cocaine usage has become problematic, but there seems to be a strong correlation between them. Most of the time, you see all of these together in one post. One woman was going through leaving her partner as she couldn't trust him to drive their car sober, even whilst his baby was in it. Extremely dangerous.

We don't do anything nice together, he just wants us to go down the pub

If drinking is his main hobby with you, that's quite depressing. There are couples and friends like that - their relationships grows upon substance usage and then once that's gone, they realise they actually don't have a lot in common.

You should absolutely be doing things together other than going to the pub, and it should be a regular, wanted aspect of your relationship, not something he reluctantly agrees to as if it's homework to keep you happy.

And spending all his money on drink & drugs? That's no future. You should aim for someone who is sensible with money and can save.

Unless he’s prepared to give up drinking and drug taking your future will be miserable with him. Don’t waste any more time on someone who doesn’t love you enough to make you happy.

He's upset today now promising it'll be different and begging for 'one last chance'

Tell him he's already had his 'one last chance' and he blew it. You are done. He won't change and both of you know it. If he was that desperate not to lose you he'd have come home sober last night, instead of ignoring texts from you. He didn't.

Every time you think “but I love him”, remember the words “but I love myself more”

Put your needs first
The future you deserve
Self respect
You know this is not for you or serving your needs
Your number one priority and responsibility is to yourself.

Love yourself more

Thank you everybody this thread is really helping me.

Just to answer a few questions, the house is mortgaged but it is in my name. My parents are really supportive so I could definitely move straight back in with them, but I wouldn't have to do that as most probably he would move out