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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband always on mobile or asleep

90 replies

Lonelyasalways · 24/08/2024 13:29

I'm at my wits end. Soon as my husband returns from work or all weekend he's on his phone scrolling through rubbish on FB or is asleep. When I talk to him I get grunts or no response at all. This morning we actually for the first time In ages went out to breakfast ... Guess what he's on his phone and I'm just sat there like an idiot. I mentioned it and he put his phone down, but then had absolutely nothing to say to me. I tried twice to make conversation but he gave quick dead end responses, then just looked around the room and even started reading the bloody pictures on the wall. It's such a lonely life. I asked if he's bored with me and he said no. We're home now and he's asleep next to me. I have no family to go visit as they all live abroad or the few I have are working most days. I've started just leaving the room if he's on his phone and ignoring me when I speak to stop feeling to wound up and try and feel better. I'm normally a happy bubbly person and I'm losing myself when he's around getting me down making me feel invisible and not worth listening to. My spark is definitely dying. It's our 2nd anniversary in two days. He didn't remember our first anniversary last year. Be interesting to see if he remembers it this year. I doubt it!

OP posts:
AgileGreenSeal · 24/08/2024 23:16

It’s absolutely miserable to be on your own with someone who has their face stuck in the phone all the time. Unacceptable.

Lonelyasalways · 25/08/2024 01:42

Will update on Monday as to if he remembers our 2nd anniversary. After his nap at around 1pm today, he woke at 2 pm and didn't put his phone down til 10.30pm when he went to bed. He was watching a fat women throw flour on her belly and make pizza on it last time I looked over. Obviously more entertaining than I am 🤷

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 25/08/2024 04:32

Lonelyasalways · 25/08/2024 01:42

Will update on Monday as to if he remembers our 2nd anniversary. After his nap at around 1pm today, he woke at 2 pm and didn't put his phone down til 10.30pm when he went to bed. He was watching a fat women throw flour on her belly and make pizza on it last time I looked over. Obviously more entertaining than I am 🤷

Tbf op, if you’d posted to say you’d thrown flour on your belly to made pizza on it, I’d have thought you couldn’t be doing much more to make him take notice of you! 🤣

Omlettes · 25/08/2024 04:52

Lonelyasalways · 24/08/2024 13:44

Yes I've told him several times. Even today when I asked him if he's bored with me. Even then wasn't much better, still did everything but talk to me.

More to the point, are you bored by him?
Its your life and he sounds like he is draining it.
He sounds unbelievably tedious.

Fiery30 · 25/08/2024 05:11

That is a very unhealthy dynamic. How is your husband at work or in social situations? Is this behaviour specifically with you? Or he just doesn't care about you or the relationship anymore- which is sad. However, the fact that he doesn't even help out with chores is worse. He could be depressed. At this point you need to confront him to ask why he doesn't help out. If he is ill, then he needs to go for a check-up. However, irrespective of all that, you are certainly better off without him. Moving to Spain and being dependent on ex pats for friendship and conversation is not a good idea either. You need to be free of him and find your own happiness.

Guavafish1 · 25/08/2024 05:19

I think you need a break. Can you visit family for a fortnight in UK? Just to get some distances and think about what you want.

Mumofoneandone · 25/08/2024 06:45

This sounds horrendous. Think you need the make plans to separate. He clearly hasn't improved his behaviour over the years, after he's promised to change when you have split before.
By all means, follow your dream to go to Spain - just go by yourself! He clearly only seems to want you as his housekeeper and you deserve better than that!

Lonelyasalways · 25/08/2024 09:08

No didn't..... I said he was watching this on his phone??

OP posts:
Lonelyasalways · 25/08/2024 09:09

Very good point.

OP posts:
ineedtogwtoutbeforeitatoohot · 25/08/2024 09:20

Doesn't sound like he wants to be with you. Why don't you split from him. Life is short. Do you want to carry on like this ?

Crikeyalmighty · 25/08/2024 09:21

I hate to ask this OP. ( and I very much sympathise ) but can I ask on what basis post Brexit you are going out to Spain , is it based on nomad visa or income / property etc - as if you re relationship goes wrong in just wary of your rights to remain - maybe you have an EU passport? I don't know- somewhere down the line I think this will go wrong- but I understand why totally you might prefer to be in Spain if it does

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/08/2024 09:22

Don't have children with him !!!!!

Also think less about what he thinks of you and if he's bored. He might be happy with this life. You're not thoigh - you ARE bored and you're not getting very reasonable needs met.

I beg you to leave him - it might even make him step up and work harder and win him back, but men only respond to actions not you begging him to care about your feelings

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/08/2024 09:23

Oh I just saw your age so children aren't happening with him - kick him out or leave op you'll be far less lonely you can spend your weekend with old or new friends or dating a man that can make eye contact with you. Don't spend 20 years being ignored and then 10 years being a carer to someone who doesn't like talking to you

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/08/2024 09:24

Lonelyasalways · 24/08/2024 14:02

He doesn't actually get very much sex from me because I constantly feel so deflated and frustrated at him. I try and avoid it as much as possible and blame it on my menopause. I'm just not feeling connected to him enough I guess.

Why blame menopause, why not say I only find men who speak to me and treat me with respect attractive and your phone addiction tunes me off

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/08/2024 09:25

Lonelyasalways · 24/08/2024 14:09

I did up until April this year. I stopped because we decided to sell up and move to Spain. It's all in the middle at the moment. Only thing that keeps me going is that where we are going there are a lot of social ex pat groups I will be able to go to, and find people to converse with and find company. It won't bother me so much he ignores me at home then I guess. At the moment he's my only conversation source which is just on existent. I guess I'm wondering if it's a good idea.

Leave him
Behind

Giraffesareawesome · 25/08/2024 09:37

Yes go to Spain….without him!
I have to be honest OP, I don’t attach much importance to anniversaries particularly after 2 years. Forgetting wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me. However this sounds like a pretty lonely existence for you & i can’t see it improving. If anything he’ll just hold you back in Spain.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 25/08/2024 09:49

Going to Spain with him is a bad idea. You don't speak Spanish! How do you expect to live in a country where you don't speak the language? If you feel lonely now it's going to be a whole lot worse when you're living somewhere that you can't communicate with the people around you.

You need to leave your husband, who obviously isn't going to remember your wedding anniversary, and sort yourself out in the UK. Running off to Spain isn't going to magically transform your life. It'll be exactly the same. If not worse. You'll still be living with a phone scroller but you'll be isolated due to language difficulties.

Why do you think you're going to have more people to socialise with in Spain? Why haven't you tried to find more people to socialise with where you are? There are plenty of groups to join here. What do you like to do? You could join any number of groups, not least a Spanish learning group!

Sorry OP, your husband sounds awful but a move to Spain sounds pie in the sky. Sell up by all means but take your half and find somewhere for you to live and get on with your life here.

Catoo · 25/08/2024 10:58

I’m surprised that you’ve wanted to go to Spain for a long time and have made no effort to learn the language. You could start on an app like DuoLingo. Give you something to do on your phone when you’re bored. It would also give you a small head start and you could still go to language lessons when you get there. Or evening classes here will be starting up again soon. Maybe there will be someone there who is also wanting to move to Spain. And it will get you away from a boring evening doing housework.

Did his phone-scrolling and ignoring you start when you started refusing sex? Sounds like he’s punishing you.

Why does it matter if he remembers your anniversary when he ignores you the rest of the year?

Honestly get rid of him whether you go to Spain or not. Make sure the money from the house sale isn’t sent to an account in just his name. It should be joint or ask them to split into two accounts if that’s possible.

Calliopespa · 25/08/2024 11:23

Lonelyasalways · 25/08/2024 09:08

No didn't..... I said he was watching this on his phone??

Is that to me? I was only joking: if he had footage of belly-pizza it would have been quite hard act to think of an act to trump it was what I really meant!

MrsSkylerWhite · 25/08/2024 11:24

He sounds pretty pointless. Learn and move on.

Lonelyasalways · 25/08/2024 12:50

Oh I see, it would be hard. My stomach isn't anywhere near as big as this woman's to make a pizza on 🍕

OP posts:
xyz111 · 25/08/2024 13:07

My god Op do not move to Spain with him!!! If you want to go, then go alone. You'll just be miserable in another country otherwise.

Lonelyasalways · 26/08/2024 11:56

This doesn't need a reply from anyone it's just an update, however...... Shock horror he has forgotten our second anniversary today as expected. I won't bother reminding him and I've cancelled the table I booked for this evening. Anticipated it and have deliberately left the majority of housework for today so I don't have to sit watching him on his phone all day. He's already completely ignored me when I spoke to him earlier staring at his phone so good job really. Have a great bank holiday all. Take care.

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 26/08/2024 12:04

Lonelyasalways · 26/08/2024 11:56

This doesn't need a reply from anyone it's just an update, however...... Shock horror he has forgotten our second anniversary today as expected. I won't bother reminding him and I've cancelled the table I booked for this evening. Anticipated it and have deliberately left the majority of housework for today so I don't have to sit watching him on his phone all day. He's already completely ignored me when I spoke to him earlier staring at his phone so good job really. Have a great bank holiday all. Take care.

That’s upsetting oP.

I would actually tell him about the booking. Why let him off the hook, and he then has a second opportunity to make good his response. It might be the perfect opportunity to ask had he remembered, say that you had booked something but you now wonder about it as you don’t want to go if he just sits on his phone or reads the wall coverings. I think it’s the perfect opportunity to force the issue. Not forcing it gets you nowhere. If he says he won’t come without his phone ( or doesn’t come without it) you have a pretty categoric answer really.

cupcaske123 · 26/08/2024 12:06

Lonelyasalways · 26/08/2024 11:56

This doesn't need a reply from anyone it's just an update, however...... Shock horror he has forgotten our second anniversary today as expected. I won't bother reminding him and I've cancelled the table I booked for this evening. Anticipated it and have deliberately left the majority of housework for today so I don't have to sit watching him on his phone all day. He's already completely ignored me when I spoke to him earlier staring at his phone so good job really. Have a great bank holiday all. Take care.

Anticipated it and have deliberately left the majority of housework for today so I don't have to sit watching him on his phone all day

OP there are only two of you so how much housework is there? Secondly, don't you have anything else you could do? A long walk, a film or box set, cinema, visit friends or family, take a book to a cafe... nothing at all apart from dusting?

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