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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband always on mobile or asleep

90 replies

Lonelyasalways · 24/08/2024 13:29

I'm at my wits end. Soon as my husband returns from work or all weekend he's on his phone scrolling through rubbish on FB or is asleep. When I talk to him I get grunts or no response at all. This morning we actually for the first time In ages went out to breakfast ... Guess what he's on his phone and I'm just sat there like an idiot. I mentioned it and he put his phone down, but then had absolutely nothing to say to me. I tried twice to make conversation but he gave quick dead end responses, then just looked around the room and even started reading the bloody pictures on the wall. It's such a lonely life. I asked if he's bored with me and he said no. We're home now and he's asleep next to me. I have no family to go visit as they all live abroad or the few I have are working most days. I've started just leaving the room if he's on his phone and ignoring me when I speak to stop feeling to wound up and try and feel better. I'm normally a happy bubbly person and I'm losing myself when he's around getting me down making me feel invisible and not worth listening to. My spark is definitely dying. It's our 2nd anniversary in two days. He didn't remember our first anniversary last year. Be interesting to see if he remembers it this year. I doubt it!

OP posts:
Lonelyasalways · 24/08/2024 14:02

He doesn't actually get very much sex from me because I constantly feel so deflated and frustrated at him. I try and avoid it as much as possible and blame it on my menopause. I'm just not feeling connected to him enough I guess.

OP posts:
cupcaske123 · 24/08/2024 14:03

Lonelyasalways · 24/08/2024 13:57

I would go elsewhere if I had family I could go to. I don't unfortunately. I just get on with house chores as I don't get help with an of that either. I do everything from cooking to mowing the lawn.

You're in a relationship with a man who does nothing around the house and ignores you. You're a free housemaid he doesn't pay any attention to.

Why are you still in the relationship?

Catoo · 24/08/2024 14:08

Lonelyasalways · 24/08/2024 13:57

I would go elsewhere if I had family I could go to. I don't unfortunately. I just get on with house chores as I don't get help with an of that either. I do everything from cooking to mowing the lawn.

I’m so sorry OP.

Just leave him. You’re making his life comfortable and he’s making zero effort.

That scene over breakfast. Deliberately giving one word answers to punish you for stopping the scrolling. Utterly childish, soul destroying and pathetic behaviour. That alone would have me filling in the divorce papers. I wouldn’t be able to face one more day of that crap. At our age there’s no time to waste on these awful men!

Get rid and join some new hobbies / meet up groups.

💐

Lonelyasalways · 24/08/2024 14:09

I did up until April this year. I stopped because we decided to sell up and move to Spain. It's all in the middle at the moment. Only thing that keeps me going is that where we are going there are a lot of social ex pat groups I will be able to go to, and find people to converse with and find company. It won't bother me so much he ignores me at home then I guess. At the moment he's my only conversation source which is just on existent. I guess I'm wondering if it's a good idea.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 24/08/2024 14:10

Do you want advice on how you leave OP?

This isn't a marriage.

PolePrince55 · 24/08/2024 14:12

OP, you need to tell him you're about to leave.
He needs to know it that serious

frozendaisy · 24/08/2024 14:12

Lonelyasalways · 24/08/2024 14:09

I did up until April this year. I stopped because we decided to sell up and move to Spain. It's all in the middle at the moment. Only thing that keeps me going is that where we are going there are a lot of social ex pat groups I will be able to go to, and find people to converse with and find company. It won't bother me so much he ignores me at home then I guess. At the moment he's my only conversation source which is just on existent. I guess I'm wondering if it's a good idea.

So this marriage is your ticket to Spain?
Which is fine.

Keep the goal in sight and hurry it along.

Lonelyasalways · 24/08/2024 14:15

I'm not young anymore and I just at don't have the energy for the upheaval if I'm honest. I've been alone before and I'm very independent. This is my second marriage and was alone for 5 years. It's not that. In fact I feel less alone when he's not here than when he's home.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 24/08/2024 14:16

Can't you find some social not-ex pats, although the correct word is immigrants, here whilst you are waiting?

Learn Spanish perhaps? Unless of course you already speak it.

Lonelyasalways · 24/08/2024 14:21

No I don't speak Spanish and plan to take classes once there. Again gets me out talking to others. Not worth it here as only a couple months to go. I guess I'll have to see how it goes in Spain and see if I can find company in others. If not I'll consider leaving and starting alone in Spain. I have stated to him that he won't be working and I'm not going to be his house maid in Spain and he has to help.

OP posts:
Catoo · 24/08/2024 14:25

Whose idea was Spain?

cupcaske123 · 24/08/2024 14:25

Lonelyasalways · 24/08/2024 14:21

No I don't speak Spanish and plan to take classes once there. Again gets me out talking to others. Not worth it here as only a couple months to go. I guess I'll have to see how it goes in Spain and see if I can find company in others. If not I'll consider leaving and starting alone in Spain. I have stated to him that he won't be working and I'm not going to be his house maid in Spain and he has to help.

Hire a cleaner. Learn Spanish, join some clubs, join the local leisure centre, travel.

FlowerBee62 · 24/08/2024 14:26

Do you still want to go to Spain with him? I think I'd be inclined to either stay put and leave him to it or go alone to Spain and start a new life without him.It won't be any better between you once there and you can't skivvy for him forever,at least if you go alone it will feel like a fresh start and you'll be motivated to make new friends once there.

Lonelyasalways · 24/08/2024 14:31

No we've been together 8 years and married 2. It's gotten really bad since being married really. We have split up in the past before marriage and he's begged and promised the world but never sticks to it. I've only myself to blame. We decided 6 months ago to sell up and move to Spain which is almost there now, but after this mornings antics I'm seriously wondering if I should. No kids together and they are all grown up now anyway. I'm thinking my sanity could be saved by the social and different way of life there getting me away from him more anyway. I'm so confused.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 24/08/2024 14:32

A couple of months headstart on Spanish would help a lot. There are online options.
Why not do that, then you have online stuff to read as well. Learn about the history of Spain, area your are going.

If you are moving countries in two months there must be plenty to keep you occupied until you go that him ignoring you could almost become irrelevant.

Lonelyasalways · 24/08/2024 14:34

Well I've always wanted to do it, he didn't til we met 8 years ago and I told him. He's now decided he wanted to too.

OP posts:
FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 24/08/2024 14:36

Go to Spain without him.

Lonelyasalways · 24/08/2024 14:37

Even though I'm doing everything from sorting the house sale and packing, throwing away and selling stuff we don't need, and doing everything at home, I do have spare time in the evenings which is where I notice. As I say though I do get up and do more house chores to occupy myself.

OP posts:
Friendofdennis · 24/08/2024 18:42

You are not very old. Wouldnt you want to free yourself up for a better relationship or even to be alone ?

Lonelyasalways · 24/08/2024 20:50

I did upto April this year in a bank. I still do a little bit of work as and when needed right now. I've always worked til recently.

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 24/08/2024 20:58

Op the phone thing is a pain. But how do you actually feel about him as a person- I mean if he were to make an effort and converse? Do you have interests in common? Were there particular traits you were drawn to in him?

Lonelyasalways · 24/08/2024 20:59

Thanks to everyone for your input and advise. I've a lot of thinking to do and quickly. Bless you all x

OP posts:
Lonelyasalways · 24/08/2024 21:01

Yes we did d have a lot in common like travel which we've done a lot of. Not identical in some ways but .. ... If he was more company I'd definitely feel better.

OP posts:
LonelyInDville · 24/08/2024 22:59

I dated someone like this, it was very lonely. We ended things and Im happier single.

Here4thechocs · 24/08/2024 23:04

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 24/08/2024 13:33

2nd anniversary?! Jesus leave leave leave!

I think so, too. That’s an appalling way to treat anyone.