Some advice? Am i the bad guy?

[AmICorrect]

Hi, this is my first post so apologises for typos, spelling mistakes or other errors.

I have been with my OH for 13 years 2 kids. I have always had a massively high sex drive compared to my partner.

Now this is where i am of 2 minds and dont know if i am being inadvertantly abusive without intent and naive to the fact or if im being honest and truthful of my needs.

I get very grumpy and frustrated withour daily releases. (Let me be more clear as ive seen some posts where some readers assume the worst. By very grumpy. I mean i am less forgiving with the kids and close down bad behaviour firmly and quickly. Still fair but less forgiving. More stressed at work and again less forgiving to my staff but again fair. Im not picking on anyone but dont have the patience for horseplay) I understand this is an issue and perhaps i require medical help for my addiction or hormone imbalance? If thats a thing)

I never push myself onto my OH and tbh even tho i feel like i struggle without daily O. I actually dont initiate at all now due to my partner and i having a conversation about our differences and she informed me that the attempt was annoying her. So now im almost in the opposite. I will not initiate at all due to fears of making her feel uncomfortable. She makes an effort to engage with me daily and if we dont i will normally take myself downstairs and fall to sleep on the sofa. Now this is where i struggle.

If i go downatairs and take care of my issues so i dont disturb my OH and fall asleep. Im a selfish ass. However when i stay in bed, i spend hours and i m3an literally 6-7 hours tossing and turning to get some sleep. I already work and exhausting amount of time to ensure my family are comfortable financially. So this then effects work and finances etc. I am currently sitting next to OH after not having any interactions on day 2 and she has been asleep for 6 hours next to me and after 4 hours i decided to read up if O before sleep was a medical thing and i genuinely struggle to sleep without it.

I am always considerate and try to help out around the house when i can but due to our working sedules most of it is done when i eventually get home if i even get home. With working 30+ hours straight at least once a week is a common thing. Averaging 80 hours a week. So what little time i am home to relax is spent with kids before bed and then relaxing with or next to OH.

We have spoken and it seems to be working out and we are happier than we have ever been and i mean that generally i believe from both sides. I just get worries if im inadvertantly pressurising her into O daily as she is scared i will leave.

We have had a discussion about my need and how i dont feel we are compatible and i dont want to put it all on her and that we should seperate. Partly for my own selfish need but also out of repect for her as i dont want her to feel forced or like a chore. I feel like im in a losing battle if i stay and remain unsatisfied then im not happy in this relationship as much as i love her sex is a massive part for me. The feeling to be wanted and desired. But if i leave then im a selfish dickhead and im the villian either way. I love my OH but struggle with my own sex drive as ita the only thing that drives a wedge. Is there something a GP can do about high sex drives? As i dont want my partner to feel forced as thats wrong. However, i feel that sex is a massive part of a relationship and if its not regular then your just friends. Again. I am just trying to ensure my OH is treated respectfully but putting my own happiness aside will only suffice for so long.

Sorry for the long one. Please be nice. I am asking out of love to ensure i am doing right by my OH

We have had a discussion about my need and how i dont feel we are compatible and i dont want to put it all on her and that we should seperate.

I seriously doubt you are going to find anyone who you are compatible with if your standard is “gagging for sex every day and willing to put up with me being grumpy if I don’t get it”.

Chemical castration may be the way forward as you sound intolerable, and I say that as a) a woman who has a high sex drive and b) someone who has a partner with a high sec drive yet who is capable of not acting like a toddler if he doesn’t “O” every day.

Can’t you masturbate?

I’d give you the same advice I’d give a woman in this circumstance. If sex is important to you and you have vastly different drives, and taking care of yourself with masturbation isn’t something that works for you, it’s probably best to separate.
I’m sorry.
people certainly shouldn’t be demonized for their drives, anyway they fall on the spectrum of sex drives; I don’t feel like it makes anyone a bad guy. It’s an incompatibility.

Probably best for the wife in the long run as she will no longer feel obliged to be a daily cum receptacle so her husband can manage his own feelings, but can you hand-on-heart say that you believe this man is going to find a partner who genuinely wants sex every single day without fail? That it would be worth abandoning his marriage that already features near-daily sex (and probably abandon his children too given his work schedule) is order to find his unicorn?

Sorry, not wife “OH”, so my guess is that she will be thoroughly fucked in a different way by a separation.

I do think a man could find that- especially if he were taking the time to connect with his partner, and sex meant more than just a release.

if sex with him is just for his own relief, no, I think anyone’s drive would dwindle fairly quickly.

if that’s all sex is to him, he needs to buy a doll.

Also- and this is important- dude. Learn to sort yourself out. There are circumstances in life which will mean sex isn’t an option, no matter what someone’s drive is.
if your partner is ill or going through something, and you act like a kid who didn't get his way, things won’t work.

people aren’t machines or dolls to be used.

With working 30+ hours straight at least once a week is a common thing.

Literally nobody in the world needs to work 30+ hour shifts once a week or more so I think your problems are more significant than just your excessive sex drive.

Prioritise a more sensible work-life balance and get some therapy about why you tend towards such extreme behaviour and you might find your craving for daily dopamine hits (to compensate for what is presumably an outrageously stressful lifestyle) starts to ease.

What did you do when the children were born? Use that same mindset now.
(And I hope you didn't pressure her into sex too soon afterwards, my ex did and I never forgave him the selfish c*)

It does sound like maybe there's some sex addiction there if it's an absolute need every day or you get grumpy. I'd suggest maybe talking with a doctor to see if there is any help you can get to curb the worst of it.

I think you sound like you need a metric ton of counselling and therapy. Having a high sex drive is one thing but justifying your short temper on a lack of sex/release is completely messed up. I bet your wife feels like she is living with constant emotional blackmail to keep you happy, in order to keep you all happy. Poor woman. Doubtful anyone else is going to enjoy being with you either given your happiness is dependant on sex.

I'd say this is also baseline good advice that applies across the board.

In the OP's particular case though, I don't think he's going to find what he wants even if he separates. His "need" for sex (the scare quotes are deliberate) is unusually high and his attitude towards it is honestly a bit of a red flag.

Because he seems to have missed the fact that sex is about two people (or more!), not just himself. No individual person can control the amount of sex they get, even in a relationship - so it's up to all of us to control how a lack of sex affects us and to deal with it accordingly.

What did OP do before he was in a relationship? What would he do if he was single again? It's bare-minimum emotional maturity to behave like a decent human being even if you're not getting laid. If you can't handle that, then yes, you have a problem. I don't know whether GPs can help but a therapist might be able to help you unpack why sex is disproportionately important to you. This seems to go beyond merely a high sex drive (which I'm familiar with) and into sex being your only source of validation.

I also note that you don't seem to think much about sex as a means for giving your wife pleasure - it's all about you and your needs. What are her sexual needs? Do you know or care?

You won't sleep in the same bed as your partner if you don't have sex?

Mate - you have bigger issues.

Good luck finding a woman receptacle who will happily service you once a day come rain or shine so you don't get ratty with your employees.

Do her a favour and leave her.

Let me add to this as again.. there are comments stating i need castrating.. i am a very loving and affectionate person. I go above and beyond to ensure my partner gets her needs both physically and emotionally and work hard to financially ensure she is looked after. I am not selfish when it comes to the deed. And as stated i am not short of temper. My personality does not change as a whole and i am just less patient. I do not become aggressive or shout or anything of the sort. I do not guilty trip my partner nore do i push this narrative id leave. We have spoken as adults of the situation. I was curious if this is something that i should see my GP about as it does seem neverending.
I see one commenter asking if i am using this for validation. I probably am tbh.. that has opened my eyes a bit. I was bullied heavily through school and maybe now require that daily validation or to feel desired as a result. So i will look into therapy. Appreciate everyones comments even if aome seem extreme.

Your poor wife. You want to feel wanted and desired yet your behaviour when you don't get what you want is to be unbearable and essentially sulk and sleep in a different bed.

Newsflash - that isn't desirable behaviour!

You aren't making your wife feel loved, wanted or desired either - you are making her feel responsible for a "need" of yours that you are making no effort to manage yourself. Your idea of what bullying her into it entails is probably a very high threshold, verging on rape, because your current behaviour is exactly that - I dread to think what you are patting yourself on the back for not doing.

Even a women with a naturally high sex drive will be put off by you.

You shouldn't be working 30 hours straight either, are you an addictive, obsessive person? Perhaps the sex obsession is just a symptom of that - be honest with yourself about an underlying issue and perhaps talk to someone about it.

I go above and beyond to ensure my partner gets her needs both physically and emotionally

This really does not correlate with the notion that if you don't get to orgasm daily in or around her, you will end the marriage.

You say that you are not selfish when it comes to the deed, yet it's not just about the deed. You could be technically the best shag in the world, but if your whole view on the relationship and your sexual identities within it is as skewed as it seems to be, you need help reframing what is going on.

Sorry, cross posted - it does seem you want something from this thread other than to be told your wife should put out to make you happy.

Can you read back through your posts and see how little your wife is mentioned, her needs, that you desire and love her etc. How would you feel is she was posting such a self centred thing about you? In relationships you get out what you put in, its by being more caring and giving you get more back. Try to focus on making your wife happy, really listening to her and take it from there - take the focus off sex and entitlement and back to affection.

I think some have misread, i do not refuse to sleep in the same bed and i do not tell her i will leave. I grin and bare it as my OH has feelings and i understand that she is not a dumpster. I now realise by verbalising it as much as i am a loving aupportive husband my constant need is probably making my partner feel like she has too and thats not acceptable. I am going to reach out to a therapist today as there is obv something deep down causing this need for validation. Again appreciate the comments but please read thoughly and dont accuse me of inaccurate stuff. If you have a question please ask. Ill be honest as all i want is the best for my OH

I was that poster. I'm not surprised at all.

I've known several people with high sex drives, in a healthy way that respects their partners' boundaries. Those people usually deal with dry spells in a healthy manner.

Then I've known people whose "need" for sex goes some way beyond that, who get physically anxious without it. I've found that for those people it's often not even about having sex, necessarily, but about feeling sexually desired. A lot of the time it does stem from bullying in school - people who were repeatedly made to feel ugly throughout their teenage years.

Yet re sleeping in the same bed you have said this -

She makes an effort to engage with me daily and if we dont i will normally take myself downstairs and fall to sleep on the sofa.

Which is it?

I think you're being obsessive and letting yourself think about sex constantly, refreshing the cycle and need for it. Nobody needs it every day.

How many times do you think your partner has had sex with you because she knows that she will be punished in various ways if she doesn't?

What do you call people who have sex with someone who is coerced and not enthusiastically consenting?

Why not just have a wank if an orgasm means that much to you?

Leave if you're unhappy, but sort your problems out because none of this is OK.

I agree with another poster in saying that if you are ultimately incompatible, that’s okay, and not everybody is. There’s nothing inherently wrong with having a high sex drive, there’s also nothing inherently wrong with having a low sex drive- the problem comes when you are with a partner who has the opposite to you, and one feels pressured to “perform” when they don’t actually want to.

If you need a daily “release” though, there’s no reason that has to be with your partner, you could masturbate for presumably the same result (if it’s just the release that you need).

If going solo doesn’t work for you though and you need more frequent sex, I would say you’d be best to separate.

Its neither. I do not take myself away every night. Its rare that i will take myself away but when i do i tend to fall asleep. I dont choose to not sleep in the bed with her its just after release i fall to sleep almost instantly. Again my whole life revolves around my OH and i do not pester her daily as it may seem. There has been 6 weeks before without intercourse. This is the problem with written issues. Everything is literal. I was curious how women felt about my situation and if i required medical help. I am now in the park that i may need to therapy and im ok with that. I just want my OH to be happy as she makes me happy. This is an irregularity which occurs at night and i do truly believe it may be a validation thing due to bullying as a child. And i appreciate the comments.