Some advice? Am i the bad guy?

[AmICorrect]

Hi, this is my first post so apologises for typos, spelling mistakes or other errors.

I have been with my OH for 13 years 2 kids. I have always had a massively high sex drive compared to my partner.

Now this is where i am of 2 minds and dont know if i am being inadvertantly abusive without intent and naive to the fact or if im being honest and truthful of my needs.

I get very grumpy and frustrated withour daily releases. (Let me be more clear as ive seen some posts where some readers assume the worst. By very grumpy. I mean i am less forgiving with the kids and close down bad behaviour firmly and quickly. Still fair but less forgiving. More stressed at work and again less forgiving to my staff but again fair. Im not picking on anyone but dont have the patience for horseplay) I understand this is an issue and perhaps i require medical help for my addiction or hormone imbalance? If thats a thing)

I never push myself onto my OH and tbh even tho i feel like i struggle without daily O. I actually dont initiate at all now due to my partner and i having a conversation about our differences and she informed me that the attempt was annoying her. So now im almost in the opposite. I will not initiate at all due to fears of making her feel uncomfortable. She makes an effort to engage with me daily and if we dont i will normally take myself downstairs and fall to sleep on the sofa. Now this is where i struggle.

If i go downatairs and take care of my issues so i dont disturb my OH and fall asleep. Im a selfish ass. However when i stay in bed, i spend hours and i m3an literally 6-7 hours tossing and turning to get some sleep. I already work and exhausting amount of time to ensure my family are comfortable financially. So this then effects work and finances etc. I am currently sitting next to OH after not having any interactions on day 2 and she has been asleep for 6 hours next to me and after 4 hours i decided to read up if O before sleep was a medical thing and i genuinely struggle to sleep without it.

I am always considerate and try to help out around the house when i can but due to our working sedules most of it is done when i eventually get home if i even get home. With working 30+ hours straight at least once a week is a common thing. Averaging 80 hours a week. So what little time i am home to relax is spent with kids before bed and then relaxing with or next to OH.

We have spoken and it seems to be working out and we are happier than we have ever been and i mean that generally i believe from both sides. I just get worries if im inadvertantly pressurising her into O daily as she is scared i will leave.

We have had a discussion about my need and how i dont feel we are compatible and i dont want to put it all on her and that we should seperate. Partly for my own selfish need but also out of repect for her as i dont want her to feel forced or like a chore. I feel like im in a losing battle if i stay and remain unsatisfied then im not happy in this relationship as much as i love her sex is a massive part for me. The feeling to be wanted and desired. But if i leave then im a selfish dickhead and im the villian either way. I love my OH but struggle with my own sex drive as ita the only thing that drives a wedge. Is there something a GP can do about high sex drives? As i dont want my partner to feel forced as thats wrong. However, i feel that sex is a massive part of a relationship and if its not regular then your just friends. Again. I am just trying to ensure my OH is treated respectfully but putting my own happiness aside will only suffice for so long.

Sorry for the long one. Please be nice. I am asking out of love to ensure i am doing right by my OH

I think a lot of it is about mindset. You have decided, subconsciously, that you need an orgasm every day or you can't sleep. So you don't get it one day, that then sets you off thinking 'oh I won't sleep now', then you of course don't.

What orgasm does is release endorphins.
So as I see it you have options.
You could change your mindset and think it's just that a wave of endorphins helps me sleep. That doesn't mean not getting them makes it impossible.

You could give d another way to get endorphins. Take a run, for example, or go on a rowing machine.

You are by all means free to masturbate every day. Start having an evening shower for example, before bed.

What you cannot do - and trust me, nothing kills desire more quickly in women than obligation - is expect your wife to sort things out on a daily basis. She has two small kids and will be "touched out" and constantly having to put other people's needs before her own. The last thing she needs is a DH getting a mard on because she hasn't given him a blowjob or handjob for 3 days.

You put this on Redit too and another platform.
Not sure if it's real or not.
Third time I've read it now.
If it is you need to go to sex therapy.

I only got to the fourth paragraph before I realised it was a man posting about his wife.

Same ol' same ol'

Since menopause, I have a very high sex drive, easily could do pov, 3-5 times a day. Easily.

But do I get in a bad mood if I don't!

NO!

Not even if I don't for a few weeks.

As PPs have suggested you need counselling. It seems to be a self-esteem issue for you.

Oh!!

You've got two kids - meaning your wife/partner has been pregnant and given birth twice - and the longest you've ever gone without sex is six weeks??

I do not use reddit. So im not sure whos post you read. I just came across a post whilst researching if O are tied into sleep and it gives mixed answered. Hence why i thought id post and ask. I am in no way pushy or pester her. I am supportive in every way with my partner. I again do believe it is tied into a self esteem issue of some sort. I had 11 years of therapy due to bullying as a child. This has obv transferred into adulthood requiring validation from my partner. And i appreciate being able to this this now due to somr helpful comments.

Why can't you use normal language? Who the hell talks about, "O"?

You say that you don't emotionally blackmail for sex yet at the same time say you get less patient/cannot sleep if you don't get sex on a daily basis. This is itself is emotional blackmail as no doubt your OH will have worries that if she doesn't oblige to sex then everyone else is liable to get yelled at for "lack of patience"

There has been 6 weeks before without intercourse.

Was this by chance the six weeks immediately following your wife giving birth?

No obv these was different circumstances and i honestly dont remember how long this period was. I stated 6 weeks as a normal period of time. Not any extra circumstances. I.e. illness, birth etc. Again its hard to explain everything as text is literal. I dont feel like an ogre and i do take my OH feelings into consideration. I just didnt know if my need for validation through sex was inadvertantly causing her to feel the need to satsify me. Which i now see it may of been a contributing factor and i want to ensure i correct it. I love my OH and want only the best and will be contacting a therapist today.

i wonder what your wife would say to you stating here that you never pester or push. I’m guessing she feels quite pressurised. You’re here hoping people say she should be putting out for you more and tbh your user name kinda says it all. You’re not here as “AmIWrong”.

So do you “need” sex every day to be happy or can you actually go a number of days without it and not become short-tempered?

In your first post you say you’re on the second day without and you seem to think this is worth reconsidering your marriage for, whereas elsewhere you seem to accept that you might go days or weeks without (which is what happens in all relationships).

You also haven’t answered why you are working such insane hours and whether you think this is contributing to your reliance on sex to chill out.

If you need sexual release then just go off to another room and sort yourself out. And just fall asleep there if it's comfortable. You don't need to just lie there not being able to sleep.
But being grumpy without getting daily sex from another person is a very big ask on the other person. They would end up shagging you out of fear you'll be mean to him, or even less forgivable, the kids.
I understand the need/strong urge to orgasm but you have to accept a solo effort some of the time rather than just sitting there seething. Or getting rude.

Amazing how much your story changes when you are questioned….

I normally sleep on the sofa if my wife doesn’t succumb to my needs becomes a rarely.

‘There has been 6 weeks without intercourse’ becomes ‘apart from all these other times’

Yes, you're the bad guy. Sex isn't a need, it's a want, and you are punishing your wife and children (whether to a greater or lesser extent doesn't matter) when you don't get what you want. You may not think it's a want but it is. It's driven by emotional and psychological drivers, not physiological ones.

My advice would be to seek counselling before you irreparably damage your relationship with your partner and kids, if you haven't already. While you're there, you might also want to get help understanding why on earth you thought coming on MN with a post that boils down to "I'm an insufferable grumpy git when my wife doesn't give me sex" was ever a good idea.

That's what I'm thinking too when pulled up on stuff he begins backpedaling

These comments go from 1 extreme to another. Some are insightful and helpful and some seem to just be bitter women here to complain about men. I do solo regularly but i avoid it at night as my OH doesnt like the idea of me Solo. I am not miserable or sulking or short of temper or grumpy the day after not getting any. I do believe it is a self esteem issue from being bullied. I do not make my OH life any harder or push anything onto her as i havent orgasmed. I work alot as we jave 2 children and i carry 66% of the financial burden. I pay jalf the bills but then cover all other costs due to my partners career not earning much but ahe enjoys it. So i encourage her to continue doing it even tho it requires me to work exhausting hours so we are financially comfortable and not using credit cards to get through the month. I am constantly having conversations with my partner to ensure she is ok and happy with the relationship and adapt if things are not working. I go above and beyond to ensure my OH and children have an amazing life regardless of my fatigue from work and stresses of my job. I never bring it home. I was just here to understand my situation better and feel that it is not normal and i will seek help. I appreciate the comments

OP, the thing you really haven't been clear on is the difference between sex and orgasm through masturbation. If it has to be the first, then I agree that's a therapy issue. If the latter works fine, as a physical release, then why on earth not just masturbate more? What's wrong with going and having a wank before you go to sleep next to your wife?

My husband has a very high sex drive, and purely physically for him to feel balanced and relaxed/ focused, he needs to orgasm frequently. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. He takes care of it, pretty independently of our sex life. Our sex life comes on top, whenever both of us want to have sex (which happens to be often, but is not a standing order service!). I know that it is a more satisfying experience for him when I am involved - physically and emotionally, but his hands are perfectly capable of taking care of any physical needs he has for release.

You are changing the narrative because we are not agreeing with you, you think you're doing nothing wrong, I think you're an immature, abusive bully to your partner, kids and employees...all because you're not getting sex. Grow the fuck up

I get very grumpy and frustrated withour daily releases. (Let me be more clear as ive seen some posts where some readers assume the worst. By very grumpy. I mean i am less forgiving with the kids and close down bad behaviour firmly and quickly. Still fair but less forgiving. More stressed at work and again less forgiving to my staff but again fair

Your changing the story because we are not stroking your ego like you clearly wanted us too. You very clearly state in original post you get grumpy and less patient we point that out it suddenly doesn't happen

It doesnt happen the next day. After multiple days i become less agreeable. Your correct. Im not changing the narrative. Im being more specific as many commenters read between lines or miss other comments.

You are making it your partner’s problem. Have a discrete wank every day and don’t feel the need to tell her about it.

My first post crossed with your last. I have to say I don't think it's helpful of your partner to have an issue with solo. That's your body, your business as far as I'm concerned.

If limiting your solo is a boundary for her, then it becomes more complicated. Needless to say, you have no entitlement to sex with her.

So that would suggest you have a range of incompatible immovable conditions:

1. You are in a relationship that has committed to being exclusive
2. You are not 'meant to' solo play much
3. You physically and emotionally require sex/release more regularly than your partner wants it

One of those has to shift by mutual consent. Either 1) you separate, or open the relationship; 2) you agree you can solo play freely, with whatever basic conditions suit you both ; or 3) you get therapy or medical intervention to reduce your 'needs'.

I think people suggesting that being a bit off your centre/ less forgiving when sexually frustrated are being ridiculous. Many of us are like that, though not necessarily as frequently. Or we can be like that for many other reasons (lack of sleep; hunger, wrong sugar levels; didn't have time to meditate or write in our diary; or anything else). If the OP is being honest about the level of mood change, then that is not abusive.

I will say, OP though, your proclamations of being so perfect, labouring for your family and only wanting your OH to be happy do not sound balanced or convincing. Clearly you DO want other things than your OH to be happy ~ including more sex than what would make her happy. It is almost impossible to conceive that your partner does not feel major pressure for sex, due to her awareness of how you feel, so you should get real about that. And while you may be a good husband, nobody is as great a you seem to be claiming, which makes you sound like an unreliable witness generally.

Why can’t you just go to the bathroom before bed and have a wank?! Like other men and women do ?! There you go- solved!

Just seen in a post your write- she doesn’t like you doing this? Well tough on her… not her choice. I mean you don’t have to do it next to her but to have a shower each night before bed and whack pornhub on… she can’t dictate you can’t do that. And it means you’re not relying on her .

Let's start with the basics.

You work 80 hour weeks, but bring in two thirds of the wage.

So it's safe to assume that your DP's part-time wage pays way more per hour, as presumably she's working around 20 hours a week (to allow for the childcare burden which is presumably 99% on her shoulders because you're at work most the time) so earns a third of the family income in a quarter of the time. She's a good provider.

She also does the majority of housework - you "help". For future reference, housework is equally your responsibility, cooking and cleaning for yourself and your kids is not "helping" your DP.

You barely get any quality time together, due to work, kids, housework etc.

And yet you expect to get your "daily O" from your DP or you're grumpy (yet in a way that doesn't pressure her or make her feel bad at all 🤔).

If you split up with your DP, presumably, as a decent parent, you'd want a 50/50 childcare arrangement. So how would you see this fitting in with your 80hr working week, doing all the housework yourself, losing a third of the household income, plus trying to find someone to date and then presumably shag you (every day 🙄).

Yes, seek therapy. I really can't see how you expect life to get any better than it is now as a single person when you work so many hours, for a relatively low wage, unless you completely ditch your kids and start paying for prostitutes on a daily basis (which, ignoring the morality of it, I'd suggest you can't afford).

I doubt any other woman would put up with you from what you've described on here.

It's you, you're the problem, so get help, don't blame your long-suffering DP for your issues 🙄