Some advice? Am i the bad guy?

[AmICorrect]

Hi, this is my first post so apologises for typos, spelling mistakes or other errors.

I have been with my OH for 13 years 2 kids. I have always had a massively high sex drive compared to my partner.

Now this is where i am of 2 minds and dont know if i am being inadvertantly abusive without intent and naive to the fact or if im being honest and truthful of my needs.

I get very grumpy and frustrated withour daily releases. (Let me be more clear as ive seen some posts where some readers assume the worst. By very grumpy. I mean i am less forgiving with the kids and close down bad behaviour firmly and quickly. Still fair but less forgiving. More stressed at work and again less forgiving to my staff but again fair. Im not picking on anyone but dont have the patience for horseplay) I understand this is an issue and perhaps i require medical help for my addiction or hormone imbalance? If thats a thing)

I never push myself onto my OH and tbh even tho i feel like i struggle without daily O. I actually dont initiate at all now due to my partner and i having a conversation about our differences and she informed me that the attempt was annoying her. So now im almost in the opposite. I will not initiate at all due to fears of making her feel uncomfortable. She makes an effort to engage with me daily and if we dont i will normally take myself downstairs and fall to sleep on the sofa. Now this is where i struggle.

If i go downatairs and take care of my issues so i dont disturb my OH and fall asleep. Im a selfish ass. However when i stay in bed, i spend hours and i m3an literally 6-7 hours tossing and turning to get some sleep. I already work and exhausting amount of time to ensure my family are comfortable financially. So this then effects work and finances etc. I am currently sitting next to OH after not having any interactions on day 2 and she has been asleep for 6 hours next to me and after 4 hours i decided to read up if O before sleep was a medical thing and i genuinely struggle to sleep without it.

I am always considerate and try to help out around the house when i can but due to our working sedules most of it is done when i eventually get home if i even get home. With working 30+ hours straight at least once a week is a common thing. Averaging 80 hours a week. So what little time i am home to relax is spent with kids before bed and then relaxing with or next to OH.

We have spoken and it seems to be working out and we are happier than we have ever been and i mean that generally i believe from both sides. I just get worries if im inadvertantly pressurising her into O daily as she is scared i will leave.

We have had a discussion about my need and how i dont feel we are compatible and i dont want to put it all on her and that we should seperate. Partly for my own selfish need but also out of repect for her as i dont want her to feel forced or like a chore. I feel like im in a losing battle if i stay and remain unsatisfied then im not happy in this relationship as much as i love her sex is a massive part for me. The feeling to be wanted and desired. But if i leave then im a selfish dickhead and im the villian either way. I love my OH but struggle with my own sex drive as ita the only thing that drives a wedge. Is there something a GP can do about high sex drives? As i dont want my partner to feel forced as thats wrong. However, i feel that sex is a massive part of a relationship and if its not regular then your just friends. Again. I am just trying to ensure my OH is treated respectfully but putting my own happiness aside will only suffice for so long.

Sorry for the long one. Please be nice. I am asking out of love to ensure i am doing right by my OH

I agree with this. Also, if you can't go more than a few days without sex.. that's a problem, no? When I was pregnant and after giving birth I didn't have sex with my partner for months.. that wasn't a problem for either of us. So yes, I'd say if you can't go more than a day or a two without sex then you might have an issue and it will be interesting to get to the bottom of it

She needs to understand that your drive is high and while she's not in the mood it still needs sorted.

Can't you secretly relieve yourself?

@AmICorrect In addition to therapy, get on anti-anxiety medication. From what you’ve said about childhood bullying and a need for validation, I strongly suspect that a decent dose of anxiety meds would help with the urgency/anxiety and obsessive thoughts.

Working 80 hour weeks to bring in 66% of the household income (ie only a little more than your 50% share… and I suspect you’re not doing 33% of the housework and childcare with those hours) is insanity and a more immediate problem to deal with than how often you’re getting your end away.

I did not realise you were a man. My advice holds just as strong regardless.
But I have to say I'm not crazy about men coming on hear moaning about their perceived lack of sex.
This is primarily a forum for women. I guess if it's on Reddit you just want more attention.

On a practical note, you’ve trained yourself to fall asleep after an orgasm, probably as a horny teenager.

It’s a habit, just like a baby’s last breastfeed at bed time. You just need to choose to grow out of it.

Assuming all else is as good as you say, then you’ll reap the rewards with a more authentic relationship that can withstand the inevitable highs and lows of life. It’s worth getting this right.

We speak plainly on here and have heard so, so many men trying to justify their need for sex over their partner’s need for sleep/peace.

Imagine how bad tempered a woman might be if she’s feeling constantly touched out by the kids and her partner wants to play on her body as well.

Stress can be a factor in libido, it most often causes low libido but it can cause a spike too. Your job sounds like it is stressful, working long hours isn't helpful. Could this be a factor in what you are experiencing?

It's not great to be so mismatched, that could also be causing some stress too for both of you. It's just another form of energy, I was wondering if you could/would be willing to channel it into something like a hobby/exercise?

You say different things. You are saying you are not pressing her to have sex and you are kind and loving and affectionate, but you clearly change your temper noticeably. You dont need to be shouting and hitting people, your passive aggressive behaviour is definitely noticeable to your whole family, so dont flatter yourself that you are so affectionate going above and beyond. You clearly do not look our for your partner emotionally.