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Original poster

My bf’s kid and my kid constantly fall out

77 replies

Anony22 · 22/08/2024 22:47

I separated from my 3 daughters’ (ages 12, 7, 4) father over a year ago and unexpectedly reconnected with someone I dated as a teenager. He has 4 children (ages 16b, 11g, 9g, 3g) he has full custody of the middle kids (girls 11 and 9) and has had them for almost 5 years.
Things were going really well, we get on great and have fun and after a good few months we decided to introduce my kids to his 2 girls he has full custody over. In the beginning things were great and they would always be excited when we said we were doing something together but lately his daughter (9) and mine (7) are constantly bickering and falling out. His daughter is very dramatic and emotional so tends to shout things like I hate her and I never want to see her again where as my daughter is very laid back and shrugs this off mostly. Last weekend my daughter came over to his place with me and his daughter was at the park near by so we sent her out to go play with her but she came back almost immediately looking close to tears and would only tell me out of earshot from my bf what happened. His daughter told her to go away and that she wasn’t even wanted there and she hates her (in front of her friends). When I explained what my daughter told me my bf kind of shrugged it off. His daughter then came in the house and basically repeated this in front of me, my bf, my daughter and his other daughter (11). His 11 year old responded saying dad you need to start grounding her or something and sighed. He again shrugged it off and kind of laughed and jokingly shouted right your grounded and off she went back outside with her friends.
She has also lied and said my daughter was pinching her (I could full well see with my own eyes she wasn’t) and he says oh they’re just as bad as each other it’s 50/50 with their behaviour. Thing is, every time they fall out I have stern words with my daughter, even if I don’t think she has instigated or necessarily done something wrong, and remind her of the kind of behaviour which is and isn’t acceptable but he doesn’t. His daughter will put on tears to manipulate him and make him feel he can’t tell her off.
I lost my patience tonight after another row between them whilst we were at the park as, once again, I gave my child a telling off and also told his daughter not to say she hates mine as I don’t like that kind of talk but he did nothing. I told him it was unacceptable that evertime this happens my child gets in trouble but his doesn’t and that I now no longer want them mixing and that I need to be seen to be on my own child’s side so that I also wasn’t comfortable being with him whilst his children are there. Am I wrong?
I love him but I love my kids way more than I ever will anyone else and I feel now I have to stand with them and perhaps end my relationship with him? I don’t want to but what else can I do?
I don’t for one second think my child is perfect she is a very outgoing and hyperactive child but she is also disciplined, sweet and very empathetic for her age.
anyone with any advice? Is my relationship over?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 22/08/2024 22:51

No, but just go back to dating however you did at the beginning before you introduced the kids to each other.

cestlavielife · 22/08/2024 22:51

The dc have had their dad to themselves for 5 years
Now you and dc come along
His dc take it out on your dc

Either get some family mediator involved to talk to everyone together and try to get feelings out to the open....

or rethink

ByCupidStunt · 22/08/2024 22:53

I agree with a PP - just date your boyfriend. No need to involve the kids really.

Polyp0 · 22/08/2024 22:55

Blended families usually turn out awful.

Bananalanacake · 22/08/2024 23:09

Enjoy dating, there's no need for the kids to see each other for a good few years.

Pandasnacks · 22/08/2024 23:23

Just keep your relationship separate to your dating, your kids aren't in the relationship so they don't need to interact with him and his kids.

Bobbybobbins · 22/08/2024 23:25

Agree with all the previous posts, see him without involving kids. Definitely don't let them play together unsupervised if there is this much tension.

Opentooffers · 22/08/2024 23:34

Why were you sending a 7 year old to go and play with a 9 year old and her mates in a park on her own? Especially under the circumstances where you know they don't get on. To an adult 2 years difference may not seem a lot, but at that age its a gulf. Not many children hang with lower year kids at primary school - or even secondary. You put your DD in an awful situation, I feel for her.
Time to stop forcing a blend, they know they are not family, and as there is 2 years between, they aren't likely to be willing play buddies either. It's different with siblings - where the older one on some level tolerates their younger sibling hanging around better. You cannot expect the same.

StSwithinsDay · 22/08/2024 23:36

Just go back to seeing him without getting the children involved.

Biggaybear · 22/08/2024 23:42

arethereanyleftatall · 22/08/2024 22:51

No, but just go back to dating however you did at the beginning before you introduced the kids to each other.

This x100

No need to involve your kids when you're dating. And why would you expect 2 strangers to get on & be friends.

StartupRepair · 23/08/2024 00:01

Your DC are sending you both a strong message that this is not working for them. Please don't make them play happy families.

StormingNorman · 23/08/2024 00:07

It’s brilliant that you don’t want them mixing. His daughter is struggling with your family spending more time with them. Take a step back and give her the space she is crying out for.

Read again what she said and understand that she wasn’t talking about the park:

His daughter told her to go away and that she wasn’t even wanted there and she hates her

ChickenandaCanofCoke · 23/08/2024 00:07

"The dc have had their dad to themselves for 5 years
Now you and dc come along"

Apart from the bit where he shacked up with yet another woman and spawned the 3 year old. He sounds lazy and I'd be getting rid. All this combining kids never works

SleepPrettyDarling · 23/08/2024 00:15

I’d end the relationship. I wouldn’t really see the point of dating him any more if your values and reactions are so different.

Titsonboard · 23/08/2024 00:16

You are trying way to hard to play happy families, forcing the kids to play “ nicely” with each other well it’s just not working out is it? Just because you like spending time with him doesn’t mean everyone else is just going to fall into line and be ecstatic to be together. I agree with a PP, what possessed you to send your 7 yr old to meet up with the 9 yr old and her mates, the 9yr old was probably mortified in front of her friends, you set your child up for rejection. Me and my biological sister had 2 yrs of age difference between us and if my mum had tried to shoehorn my sister in when I was with my friends I would have been angry and embarrassed. I did play plenty with my sister at home and would even play together in a mixed age group so I didn’t avoid her most of the time just didn’t want my “ baby” sister hanging round with me all the time.

GreyCarpet · 23/08/2024 07:10

The children don't need to be part of your relationship.

Why would you send your child out to play with someone you know doesn't like her and is unkind to her?

You can't force a sisterly relationship between then however much you'd like it.

I agree with going back to dating without the children or rethink the whole relationship. This isn't fair on your, still very young, child.

bergamotorange · 23/08/2024 07:14

Why are you still trying to force this?

This sounds awful for your kids.

See your BF on your own and completely stop the family mixing.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 23/08/2024 07:15

You've not been dating long in the grand scheme of things and you have seven children between you, it's not likely to work easily.

Also odd set up that he only has full custody of the middle two, the older two you might understand choosing to stay with mum or maybe they have a different mum but what the youngest or do the children have three different mothers?

CoffeandTiaMaria · 23/08/2024 07:19

Stop trying to force the DCs together ffs, surely that’s obvious enough?

MintyNew · 23/08/2024 07:40

If your kids are your priority then stop subjecting them to these people?! Just because you have a boyfriend does that mean the kids have to put up with being bullied? Just stop doing this to them. How you would even want to be with him is mind boggling.

MultiplaLight · 23/08/2024 07:42

Why are you leaving your kids to play unsupervised with other kids who don't like them?

Supervise the play, or stop mixing the kids.

ItsZa · 23/08/2024 07:55

I don't think you should be telling you daughter off when you don't think she has done anything wrong.

I would go back to dating too.

AnonAnonmystery · 23/08/2024 07:56

Seems way too early to start blending families.

MapleTreeValley · 23/08/2024 08:04

I agree with everyone else OP. Stop forcing the blending of the families, step back a bit and go back to however you used to see each other before you introduced the kids to each other. And stop telling your 7yo off when his 9yo is being mean to her!

Edingril · 23/08/2024 08:13

Why do they have to get along just because you now have a bf, it doesn't work that way