My bf’s kid and my kid constantly fall out

[Anony22]

I separated from my 3 daughters’ (ages 12, 7, 4) father over a year ago and unexpectedly reconnected with someone I dated as a teenager. He has 4 children (ages 16b, 11g, 9g, 3g) he has full custody of the middle kids (girls 11 and 9) and has had them for almost 5 years.
Things were going really well, we get on great and have fun and after a good few months we decided to introduce my kids to his 2 girls he has full custody over. In the beginning things were great and they would always be excited when we said we were doing something together but lately his daughter (9) and mine (7) are constantly bickering and falling out. His daughter is very dramatic and emotional so tends to shout things like I hate her and I never want to see her again where as my daughter is very laid back and shrugs this off mostly. Last weekend my daughter came over to his place with me and his daughter was at the park near by so we sent her out to go play with her but she came back almost immediately looking close to tears and would only tell me out of earshot from my bf what happened. His daughter told her to go away and that she wasn’t even wanted there and she hates her (in front of her friends). When I explained what my daughter told me my bf kind of shrugged it off. His daughter then came in the house and basically repeated this in front of me, my bf, my daughter and his other daughter (11). His 11 year old responded saying dad you need to start grounding her or something and sighed. He again shrugged it off and kind of laughed and jokingly shouted right your grounded and off she went back outside with her friends.
She has also lied and said my daughter was pinching her (I could full well see with my own eyes she wasn’t) and he says oh they’re just as bad as each other it’s 50/50 with their behaviour. Thing is, every time they fall out I have stern words with my daughter, even if I don’t think she has instigated or necessarily done something wrong, and remind her of the kind of behaviour which is and isn’t acceptable but he doesn’t. His daughter will put on tears to manipulate him and make him feel he can’t tell her off.
I lost my patience tonight after another row between them whilst we were at the park as, once again, I gave my child a telling off and also told his daughter not to say she hates mine as I don’t like that kind of talk but he did nothing. I told him it was unacceptable that evertime this happens my child gets in trouble but his doesn’t and that I now no longer want them mixing and that I need to be seen to be on my own child’s side so that I also wasn’t comfortable being with him whilst his children are there. Am I wrong?
I love him but I love my kids way more than I ever will anyone else and I feel now I have to stand with them and perhaps end my relationship with him? I don’t want to but what else can I do?
I don’t for one second think my child is perfect she is a very outgoing and hyperactive child but she is also disciplined, sweet and very empathetic for her age.
anyone with any advice? Is my relationship over?

3 different mum’s

Thanks for all your messages I agree with them all even though some weren’t put in the nicest way. For a bit more context when it comes to my child, she is from a rural school with a total of 30 kids and so it’s normal for her to get on and play with kids of all different ages. I’ve never had to consider the age gap between children before but I totally understand that’s probably a big factor as his child isn’t necessarily used to that. I am going to stop them having contact and see how it goes with the relationship from there.

I think that’s the right decision.

Blending 9 people together was never going to be easy. But trying to force kids to be friends because they are close in age and their parents happen to like each other isn’t always going to work out.

I can imagine most kids wouldn’t be happy if they were out playing with their friends and their dads girlfriends daughter, who they don’t get on with, just turned up. Most adults wouldn’t like that either.

I don’t think you really like how he parents either. Which means the relationship isn’t going to progress past where it is now. If you are happy just dating without the kids included. Do that.

You'll just have to keep the kids apart.

What were you thinking sending a 7 year old to the park on her own, to meet up with a girl who regularly shouts at her, that she hates her?

Doesn't sound as though it was ever going to end well.

I wouldn’t mix the kids. Sending your 7 year old to play with the 9 year old wasn’t wise. As they don’t get on. From now on do adult dates. Save the mixing until they are older. 6 kids together sounds a lot.

7 kids 😬 please don't have anymore! Maybe just stick to dating each other until your kids are much older, it's not fair to force them all to play happy families

You’re doing the right thing.

The girls would have never picked each other as friends if they met at say school so forcing them to spend time together was never going to work. It must have been eye opening for you to see your partner ‘s true parenting but ime blending rarely works and with more people in the family, it was always less likely to work.

You were unreasonable to tell off your dd in instances when she did nothing wrong. Telling her off in the hope that he would tell his dd off to be fair was prioritizing your relationship over your dd. Don’t do that in future. His dd would have quickly cottoned on that her dad will never tell her off so I think that her behaviour would have escalated.

This isn't what you asked, but with 3 mums involved, if you do have a long term relationship that's a hell of a lot of additional women in your life that you're going to have to negotiate with etc. Honestly that would be WAY too much baggage for me. Only you can know whether he's worth the aggregation his family will bring into your life.

Sounds like you are using his kids to babysit your 7 year old at the park. Terrible idea. 7 is far to young . You need to put your kids first and not the new guy . Sounds like you rushed in to all this . Both adults sound selfish and lazy parenting

*aggrevation

Fuck that, he's allowing his daughter to bully your daughter right in front of you all. Obviously you need to stick up for your daughter but better yet, just dump him because he will clearly be a shit stepdad to your kids.

Can I ask what could possibly be appealing in a man who has kids to three different women? 🚩I'd aim higher OP

Unfortunetly his daughter is playing up because she doesnt want someone included into the family dynamics.
Girls can get nasty and its only going to get worse.
Tge kids do not have to be besties but being nasty is not on.
Your bf wont tell her off or prompt her to accept the fact thos is what it is.
The joys of dating, relationships.
Dear dad will have guilt and be overly guarded with his children.

No wonder his daugher is playing up, in her short life she's lost contact with her mum, her dad has had another child with someone else, split up with them and now introduced another women and 3 kids into her life! Poor kid probably doesn't know who's coming and going. Siblings of 7 and 9 would play up and argue together, let alone ones who've been forced into a family situation like this.
I would run a mile but if you insist on staying with him I'd stick to dating as a couple and not as a family, and make sure I was using at least 2 forms of contraception.

Stop trying to force a relationship with your DD and his just for the sake of having a man. Also stop chastising your DD when she did nothing wrong, I feel sorry for her.

one reason why me and my ex broke up was because we didn’t have the same parenting styles. He let his kids get away with things, even lying about me and trying to cause problems, and I don’t agree with that. I was fine dating living apart but he wanted to blend families so we ended it.

Well the first three must have found something, no idea what but he is onto his 4th it seems

I don't think it's ever going to get better, they will always dislike each other. I wouldn't continue the relationship your children's well being is the most important thing.

This.

It's really awful to force these strangers into their lives on top of the trauma of the divorce.

Your love life is or should be very low priority at this stage.

Why are you so desperate to be with this man?

How many women had he got dc too? He's got 4 kids but has the two middle full time, I assume they are full siblings? Has he got 3 sets of kids to 3 different woman? If so I could see why the middle child is very unsettled, if that's the case. Your introducing your dc and trying to blend them when they don't want to. The kids are being let down by adults wanting to play happy families.

Bringing just one new person into a family can be hard enough. And 3 mums? I'd worry I would be setting myself up for years of stress that shouldn't be mine, not to mention the effect on the kids. I'd be looking for something far less complicated.

I wouldn't give the time of day to a man so sloppy he apparently fathers children with every woman he gets involved with. What a horrible situation for those kids.

He needs to focus on his children not gratifying his groin, for the foreseeable future.

His method (or lack thereof) also make it clear your families could never blend

But three different mothers? Is he really want you want?

Your poor daughter, so many changes in her life and her mother giving out to her to make a point to a loser that she is seeing.
Just awful that you would become part of the bullying of your daughter.
Please wake up to just how hard this must be on your young child.
You barely have separated, taken up with a new man and your daughter is being treated so poorly.
Poor child.
She must be so confused.