My bf’s kid and my kid constantly fall out

[Anony22]

I separated from my 3 daughters’ (ages 12, 7, 4) father over a year ago and unexpectedly reconnected with someone I dated as a teenager. He has 4 children (ages 16b, 11g, 9g, 3g) he has full custody of the middle kids (girls 11 and 9) and has had them for almost 5 years.
Things were going really well, we get on great and have fun and after a good few months we decided to introduce my kids to his 2 girls he has full custody over. In the beginning things were great and they would always be excited when we said we were doing something together but lately his daughter (9) and mine (7) are constantly bickering and falling out. His daughter is very dramatic and emotional so tends to shout things like I hate her and I never want to see her again where as my daughter is very laid back and shrugs this off mostly. Last weekend my daughter came over to his place with me and his daughter was at the park near by so we sent her out to go play with her but she came back almost immediately looking close to tears and would only tell me out of earshot from my bf what happened. His daughter told her to go away and that she wasn’t even wanted there and she hates her (in front of her friends). When I explained what my daughter told me my bf kind of shrugged it off. His daughter then came in the house and basically repeated this in front of me, my bf, my daughter and his other daughter (11). His 11 year old responded saying dad you need to start grounding her or something and sighed. He again shrugged it off and kind of laughed and jokingly shouted right your grounded and off she went back outside with her friends.
She has also lied and said my daughter was pinching her (I could full well see with my own eyes she wasn’t) and he says oh they’re just as bad as each other it’s 50/50 with their behaviour. Thing is, every time they fall out I have stern words with my daughter, even if I don’t think she has instigated or necessarily done something wrong, and remind her of the kind of behaviour which is and isn’t acceptable but he doesn’t. His daughter will put on tears to manipulate him and make him feel he can’t tell her off.
I lost my patience tonight after another row between them whilst we were at the park as, once again, I gave my child a telling off and also told his daughter not to say she hates mine as I don’t like that kind of talk but he did nothing. I told him it was unacceptable that evertime this happens my child gets in trouble but his doesn’t and that I now no longer want them mixing and that I need to be seen to be on my own child’s side so that I also wasn’t comfortable being with him whilst his children are there. Am I wrong?
I love him but I love my kids way more than I ever will anyone else and I feel now I have to stand with them and perhaps end my relationship with him? I don’t want to but what else can I do?
I don’t for one second think my child is perfect she is a very outgoing and hyperactive child but she is also disciplined, sweet and very empathetic for her age.
anyone with any advice? Is my relationship over?

Would you consider dating a man that does not have kids. Its a lot easier for single mothers to date men than do not have kids. In my experience being a single mother is a lot harder, (even compared to dads that have full custody).

My partner has a daughter aged 9 and my son is 5. They play together really nicely (and they only see eachother around once a fortnight).
It requires supervision even though they get on really well. She understands he is younger but I know 5yr olds are hard work so I intervene or redirect him when I can see she wants to do her own thing or he is too much. I tell him off when needs be and my partner does the same with his daughter. They are both only children so like their own space and so we don't force them together loads it's just unnecessary.
If they didn't like eachother then I would just not see him when he has his daughter.
The issue here is your partner is not dealing with his child's behaviour but that being said it sounds like she has been introduced to lots of women and has multiple siblings from different women poor thing is probably fed up. Has she been in a situation with a previous partner where she has had to effectively babysit a younger kid ?

Either you date your boyfriend without involvement of the kids, and then perhaps try again when they’re all older and more mature, OR you see it as a red flag for the future - which would be strained and harder than it should be, because your boyfriend does not guide his children in the way that he should regarding the consideration of others feelings. Personally, I’d do the latter.

Don't force it, ours have sometimes not got along, and we've just let them have space away from each other, we do family thing's but we also do separate thing's.

Also remember they are only the age's they are once. They will grow up and change this may mean they get closer or they may always just tolerate each other. But either way you can force them to get along.

My children have their friends and my partners children have their own, and we certainly don't mix them or force their friends and them to hang out with each other. That is their own identity.

Just date and stop forcing your kids together, as clearly both sides are unhappy.
No 9 year old girl I know wants a 7 year old tagging along.
And, clearly your boyfriend isn't on the same page with you as parenting.

Just be with your kids. Dating someone so soon & involving other kids after a break-up never ends well. They need time to adjust. Plus he sounds a prat. I'd get rid.

Both your kids have had so much upheaval in their short lives and they haven't been given proper time to land. Especially his kids as you said he has had the two middle ones on his own for the last 5 years so I'm guessing his 3 year old is by a different woman and his 16 year old from a third woman. These two middle kids have already had to share him with another woman and that only lasted a few years at the most and now you are trying to get them to play happy family with a new woman and her 3 kids. It's just too much, too soon and they are are being very clear about that even though they aren't necessarity vocalising it. How can none of you pick up on this?

To much too soon - that's a lot to happen in a year. Sounds like they are being forced on each other. His daughter was in the park playing with her friends and she has your 7 year old foisted on her. She wasn't asked. It sounds like they don't like each other very much, which is fine, most kids are allowed to choose their friends. As others have said, just date him and keep your children apart.

I'm not sure why you'd really expect them to automatically get along. Plenty of actual siblings can barely be in the same room without a fight, so why would your daughter and your boyfriend's daughter get along just because their parents happen to be dating? They're not friends; they haven't chosen each other. To your boyfriend's daughter, your daughter is just some random seven-year-old she has nothing in common with and who she's suddenly being told she has to play with.

Last weekend my daughter came over to his place with me and his daughter was at the park near by so we sent her out to go play with her

Why? Your boyfriend's daughter was playing with her own friends. Why would you send your younger child over and expect your boyfriend's daughter to welcome her? They're not friends. They're two kids of different ages who clearly have very different personalities and if they just, eg, lived in the same street they wouldn't be playing together. They've just been shoved together by circumstance and expected to play happy families.

Honestly, OP, this man doesn't sound like a good catch.

Does he have 4 children by 3 different women? That would be my first red flag.

Are you sure you want to keep dating a man who is such a useless and neglectful parent? You have to step back from blending your families. Your poor DD. But please take a long hard look at your relationship with the benefit of distance. He sounds like one to throw back.

The daughter isn't deliberately nasty. Her dad has thrown her in with family number 3 in her 9 year long life and you want him to tell her off for nor accepting it? Her dad is the nasty one who is more concerned about his love life than his kids well-being. She is just responding to the lack of care in the only way she can as a small child.

It's usually difficult to blend two sets of children and conflicts are likely to occur. Resolving issues is impossible when the adults don't agree.

I think either go back to dating without the kids being involved or throw this one back.
I had a friend in your situation and it never got better. He never tackled his kids on their behavior and in the end the kids were basically grown ups and still the same. My friend loved him very much but couldn't cope any longer.
You can love someone but if they have different core beliefs etc to you regarding accountability and discipline (to name a couple) it can make things very difficult.
He'll perhaps always turn a blind eye to what his kids are doing, and then you're writing a thread years down the line where they are getting married and having a tantrum saying they don't want you or your kids there etc. Only you can decide what you can tolerate and if that's the potential future you want. Good luck x

It sounds like you're doing the right thing. It seems very soon to be saying you love him and really far too early to have introduced the children to one another. You're only just out of a long-term relationship and your kids need time to adjust, and don't need to spend any time with this other family who might not be relevant in another year or two. It's risky to force them to get attached against their wishes knowing that the relationship might not last.

I’m assuming a lot of people replying haven’t had a blended family or tried blending a family judging by the responses 🤦🏻‍♀️

I have been in your position, our girls were 6&7 and got along famously well and were so excited when we all started spending time together but as time went on and we moved in the girls started bickering-I also did what you did and told my daughter off as well when she did nothing and it just made it worse. you do have to remember that kids do unfortunately argue though it will never be perfect unfortunately 🤣 Don’t tell them off if they’ve done nothing wrong though. This behaviour though is jealousy plain and simple and probably a bit of them thinking you might be replacing mum or being pissed off that mum and dad aren’t back together, or maybe is mum drip feeding them some rubbish too? .

We started ensuring that we each spend time together with our kids alone on “date nights”as well as a family time and also created some family rules together. It would be helpful to lay out that whilst you’re not their mum and he’s not your kids dad, you are both adults and you will both be respected if you were their parents. You need to show that you are now one unit. Also, when you’re doing the family rules then also discuss what happens if they do something wrong, tell them they will be called out on it by whichever parents then agree with them what they think is good consequences for bad behaviour then you can both enforce it.

I'm happy to say we’ve all been a family for 7 years now and apart from that short time (approx 6 months) when the girls were younger and bickering we’ve been wonderfully happy and now the girls are self proclaimed “best sister friends” and they do everything together, they are like the bloody twins from the shinning 🤣

Honestly blending two families is hard, it’s hard work and it takes commitment, patience and heaps of love. You’ve got to make the commitment to love your stepkids like they are your own and not resent them for being kids-remember kids only behave badly for a reason, usually because they have big feelings they can’t articulate or handle.

All of this said though, your partner needs to be on the same page. You need to have a separate conversation about how you expect you and him to be a team. Me and my husband had exact opposite thoughts about how to raise kids, I’m “firm but fair” and he’s a total “gentle parent”, we had to have a discussion about how to be a team, what we thought was good about our approaches and what we thought was fair ways of dealing with things, what our boundaries were when it came to parenting our children, so many things! Basically-sing of the same hymn sheet. And tell him that if he’s got to have your back, if someone’s getting told off then you have to be united. If he’s not emotionally intelligent enough to understand and participate in this conversation and act upon what you agree then he’s not the one and nothing you do will change your situation and everyone will be miserable and annoyed. If he’s committed to this and you become a team there’s no reason why you can’t all get through this and be where we are 7 years down the line :) good luck op!! X

What kind of message does it send to your daughter and his if you tell your daughter off with stern words and ahs gets nothing when as you say your daughter isn't doing anything wrong. If it was me I would be protecting my daughter from this nasty bully and keep her well away... Rather than protect my relationship.

They will grow out of it, make modifications to manage it but don't lose out on a love over something that will sort itself. Your psrtners daughter might be worrying about future changes to living arrangements and putting it on your own.

He sounds like a keeper.

So he has kids with three different women? And you’re introducing another set of kids. You can understand why she’s acting out, it sounds like such a nightmare situation, but your child shouldn’t be the victim. If you really want to continue the relationship, date him and keep kids separate. And definitely don’t get pregnant !

His daughter might legitimately hate your daughter. She is allowed to feel that way. She doesn’t have to enjoy spending time with her.

the problem here is not children misbehaving, it is adults trying to force friendships for adult convenience. You can expect children to be polite to just about anyone for brief periods of time. We all have to do it. Plaster on a smile and talk about the weather for a couple of hours, then come home exhausted and decompress. You can’t expect them to spend extended periods of time, in their own home, with someone they just don’t care for.

your relationship isn’t doomed but blending the families is. The two of you like each other, that doesn’t mean that the kids have to enjoy spending time at the other family, or being forced to do stuff together. So keep them out of it and just date.

If your account is correct, a 9 year old should not be picking on a 7 year old (and vice versa).

He needs to start parenting!

If he doesn't and you have 100% proof, tell her to stop doing it, gently but firmly.

You must stick up for your DD, otherwise it's not good for her self-esteem.