Feeling pretty awful but my own fault

[usedtobeaperson]

I think I am in the wrong but a bit confused and want a outside looking in perspective…. (apologies in advance this is sex related)

There is a long and complicated history between my husband and I. We have a sexual mismatch and over the last 6 months have had an open marriage on his side so that he can get his needs met.
We both want the marriage to work and we are working on maintaining a connection. I am feeling very disconnected and trying date nights and time together to try and reconnect. For my husband, he connects through sex. I have consented to a sex act that I am hoping will go towards our connection but have been pretty honest that I am doing it because the connection between us is important and I know that sex is a way he feels connected. Last night he started doing something during this sex act that I thought we were clear was off the table. I am not great at communicating my boundaries so maybe it wasn’t clear to him. I kind of froze and he only stopped because in the end I flinched because it hurt. Today he is off with his (not sure what to call her….sexual needs companion?). I am sore and feel pretty awful. I think I am making up stories in my head but it kind of feels a bit like he purposely did something he knows I don’t like and he knew I probably wouldn’t stop him. I think the reality is that this was my own fault and responsibility and I need to put the ground work in to reconnecting with him and accidents like this will happen. I am going to give a clear no if it happens again but I am a bit scared of upsetting him and giving him the message that he is unwanted.

No, you haven’t done anything wrong.
You made it clear what your boundaries were and he has not respected that. Is he aware that you only consented to the act because you wanted to please him/connect to him? I hope you are okay.

On another note, if he connects sexually, how do you connect? Is he doing whatever you need to feel valued and close in the relationship? I hope so.

Do you think he knew that you wouldn’t want to do that particular thing? If so, he is out of order. And if you are having sex, why does he also need to get it from someone else?

This is not your fault.
He thinks he can do what he wants.
It's not an accident. I'm afraid he doesn't respect you.
You are sacred of upsetting him. Is he scared of upsetting you? Doesn't sound like it, he's happy to do things sexually that you don't want and other things you're clear you're only doing to appease him, not that you want. That's seriously creepy. Would you do either to him? If not, why is it ok for him to do those to you?

You are worth more than this.

Please seriously consider whether you want to continue this relationship.

You're (a) questioning whether it's ok for him to override one of your boundaries, (b) agreeing to sex acts you don't want to appease him and (c) agreeing to an open marriage for him.

None of these are ok.

(a) is assault. (b) and (c) are you prioritising him over yourself. You and your wants matter, you don't have to do what he demands.

I'm struggling to see what you get out of this relationship OP because it seems to be all about his sexual " needs".
And the fact you are scared to say no to him is very worrying indeed. You seem prepared to do something you don't like or want just to please him rather than upset him and that is really not good.

You’re worried about him feeling unwanted when he gets to have sex with you and whoever else he likes?

god he must think he’s got it made.

The title of your post is quite worrying after reading your post. You seem to be very clear that this is 'your fault'.
Let me get this straight...DH is allowed to have sex with other people plus he's allowed to do sexual acts on you that you don't like?
That's not even the worst part of this situation OP...You've convinced yourself this is an ok deal and part of some greater 'connection' in rebuilding your relationship and even worse, to seem to WANT to rebuild a relationship with an awful man like this. Why on earth do you want him?

Your post sounds really concerning. It sounds like you are " consenting" (not sure it's the right word in this case) to sex acts you do not enjoy our of a desire not to hurt your partner's feelings, or even fear of him? Perhaps fear he will leave you?

It is not ok that you are in this position.

He was completely wrong to start performing an act you had made it clear you did not consent to. It was not up to you to stop him, it was up to him to check you consented, both before and throughout. He clearly did not do this. He is therefore at best foolish thoughtless and ignorant to a dangerous degree. At worst he is a deliberate rapist.

If would be brilliant if you could speak to someone about the relationship and your feelings within it. Maybe a friend? Even better a counsellor or therapist? So that you can clearly work it out what it is you are scared of, and what you really want.

In the meantime, or if you are not willing to do this, do you think you can have a conversation with him about sex in which you reassert boundaries. And agree a safe word. I actually believe this is good in all sexual relationships, but certainly anyone who is experimenting with any kinds of less common sexual practices (yet often they are only used by BDSM afficionados). Or traffic lights - red light/amber light/green light. Green = carry on, I am enjoying it. Amber = this is pushing me close to my limits, please proceed with caution as I am not sure I like this and may stop you soon. Red = absolutely everything stops immediately. (You don't have to go through amber first obviously - both partners can go straight to red at any time). You need safe words and you need to practice using them. If your husband declares a problem with that concept he is an absolutely fucking dick and will be making that patently clear.

As I say, what you really ought to do, I think, is look to leave this relationship. My safe word suggestion would help somewhat in the meantime - that's all.

And your husband's girlfriend he goes off with - are you really ok with that? I know some people are, but it's not all that common. If you truly are, fair play to you both. But often it's a situation women are bullied or shamed into accepting, rather than one of their free choosing.

Good luck OP - please be safe!

We have definitely discussed it in the past and i have said it wasn't something I wanted to do. I don't think I made that clear last night though. He needs sex with other people because I don't fulfill his needs and he can't do everything he would like to do and explore with me. He has experienced a lot of feelings of rejection and hurt as a result of me not wanting the same sexual experiences as him and he built up a great deal of resentment because of this. I see his side of things and opening up the marriage was a way to address these needs without the pressure being on me to meet them. At the same time, we are both wanting to try to keep our marriage intact, we have had 30 years together. I did consent to the sexual act last night - it was just one part where he maybe used his body to ask for consent for this other thing and I didn't say no and I should have

You can't fix a marriage while his dick is elsewhere..
Blunt? Yep...

Please stop this situation. It sounds abusive. 😰

Please read your post through imagining it was your daughter or your best friend who wrote it, then see what you would be advising them.

Definitely don't fear divorce, it could be the best thing that ever happens to you. Sending ♥️

It’s a sorry state of affairs when you want to be with a man so badly you’ll let him fuck other women.

and now you feel less connected to him, because he’s being intimate with other sexual partners, so you feel pressured into doing things you don’t want to do and feel unable to say no to.

instead of seeing this as your fault start asking yourself why you have such low standards for yourself and your happiness. This sounds miserable and it doesn’t sound like this is what you want.

you are far too understanding !!!

' He needs sex with other people because I don't fulfill his needs and he can't do everything he would like to do and explore with me.

bollocks ! total and utter bollocks !

he has done a really good job on you to believe that

'I am not great at communicating my boundaries so maybe it wasn’t clear to him. I kind of froze and he only stopped because in the end I flinched because it hurt.

do not blame yourself or your communication skills.

'He has experienced a lot of feelings of rejection and hurt '

awww poor boy !

BUT he is not a boy ! and you have stayed married to him for 30 years !!!

why oh why !

STOP blaming yourself / Stop taking responsibility for his behaviour.

You are having sex with him because you are afraid of losing him. You have agreed that he can also have sex with other women because you are afraid of losing him. You have allowed him to do something sexual to you that you do not like (and he knows you do not like) because you are afraid of losing him.

Why are you afraid of losing him? What is it exactly that you are afraid of?

As far as I can see, he is having his cake and eating it disgustingly.

I would feel so miserable with a husband like that and never feeling enough for him. I would personally rather just let him go than have the anxiety of seeing him go off with others and trying to make the sex right for him.

OP, do you fully believe everything you are writing? If so, would you agree with these sentiments if they were written by another woman - your sister, friend, daughter?

Do you believe someone can "use their body to ask for consent", truly? A man can simply start performing a sex act on his wife, one she has previously expressed dislike for, because he is "using his body to ask for consent", and it behoves HER to stop him or SHE is in the wrong?

Similarly, do you genuinely believe your husband "needs" to have all of his sexual needs met? Do you think this applies to all people, that we all have a "need" to fulfil any sexual fantasy we might have. So if a man is turned on by the idea of hardxore BDSM, or by watching his wife be penetrated by large groups of men for example, he "needs" her to do this for him?

It's not that surprising that your husband likes the idea of having sex with other women too. Loads of people (male and female) like the idea of sexual variety. But it is very common place to have to forego ths, in order to enjoy the benefits of a loving romantic relationship.

(I have nothing against people who genuinely enjoy consensual open relationships. I am disputing the fact that any man or woman who likes the idea of sex with other people, somehow "needs" it to happen)

Sorry, I am banging on. I am just quite appalled by what seems to be happening to you OP - it all sounds really really wrong.

This is fucking awful..doesn't matter if you've been together 1 year, 30 years or 100 years this is abuse and he's treating you horrific just leave and be happy on your own!!!!

I am consenting because I really want us to work and for my husband, sex is a really important part of the equation. Long term I think our options are for me to fully accept a polyamorous relationship style or for us to separate. Long term I want us both to be okay. I have worked through a lot of stuff and I really am at the stage where I am okay for him to be with other people. If he falls in love and leaves, that could just as easily happen in a closed marriage and I truly want him to be happy and feel accepted and loved. There are a lot of reasons why I am staying and why I think leaving is almost definitely a worse option for me. I think the safe word idea is something I could explore and when he gets back tomorrow I am going to put some courage on and tell him I didn't like what happened and I don't want it to happen again.

A bit different from the other posters - if one partner wants something sexually that the other person does not want/like, I dont think there is anything wrong in getting that elsewhere. Like, if he gets his kicks by people sitting on cakes (its a real thing) and you dont like that, fine. BUT, and its an important one - in order to make that work, you need rock solid boundaries and communication, built on mutual respect. It does not sound like that is present. Have you tried couples counselling?

Sorry, me again. You have written "he can't do everything he would like to do". Well frankly, who can? Life isn't like that! It's not your responsibility to fulfil his every whim. Nearly all of us have sexual fantasies we can't act on. That is perfectly ok. It doesn't emotionally traumatise us or justify us hurting and manipulating our partners - it really really doesn't.

By the way, I trust he fulfils your every fantasy, and that you have the freedom to shag whoever you want as well?

It seems like he's just using you for sex. As well as using others for sex too. He doesn't seem to love you. Sorry OP

All this 'he connects via sex' stuff is rubbish. He either loves you for you with all your flaws like you love him with all his.

Or he doesn't.

And that's what I think is happening here. He doesn't.
You love him more than he loves you. He values sticking his dick in something warm than he does your relationship with him.

Dump and move on. Sorry for being brutal. You sound loving and thoughtful. You deserve better than that using prick.

OP I thought you were going to say you were 23 or something. This man has got you eating out the palm of his hand and totally brainwashed you. I recognize the defensive narrative as I used to write the exact same stuff myself to defend my horrible husband to the outside world. Please speak to a counsellor

Your husband is an awful abusive bully. He assaults you and uses coercion so that he can sleep with other women because he knows you will do anything to keep him. He us a pig. Come on OP you are worth so much more than this! This is one of the worst things iv read on here! Do you get to sleep with other men in this arrangement (if you wanted too)?

It sounds like you're both very focused on his needs and how he can fulfil them. What about you? What about your needs and wants? You are half of this partnership and you matter just as much as him. Please speak up for yourself OP and don't participate in sex acts just to keep him happy. Can you have some counselling for yourself? It sounds like you are willing to subliminate your own happiness to facilitate his and that is not ok.

OP you are being manipulated, exploited and from the sounds if it, have been sexually assaulted. In healthy marriages men don't manipulate their wives into believing they need sex with other women while continuing to coerce them into sex acts they dont want. 'Seeking consent with his body' and continuing a sex act without receiving that consent, an act that hurts you, sounds to me like a euphemism for rape. I strongly recommend you reach out to women's aid to talk this through.

accidents like this will happen. That was no accident.

Are you a complete doormat? You are working your tripe out, turning yourself inside out, to accommodate his "needs." What about your needs? What about your self-respect?

I hope you get checked for STDs.