Feeling pretty awful but my own fault

[usedtobeaperson]

I think I am in the wrong but a bit confused and want a outside looking in perspective…. (apologies in advance this is sex related)

There is a long and complicated history between my husband and I. We have a sexual mismatch and over the last 6 months have had an open marriage on his side so that he can get his needs met.
We both want the marriage to work and we are working on maintaining a connection. I am feeling very disconnected and trying date nights and time together to try and reconnect. For my husband, he connects through sex. I have consented to a sex act that I am hoping will go towards our connection but have been pretty honest that I am doing it because the connection between us is important and I know that sex is a way he feels connected. Last night he started doing something during this sex act that I thought we were clear was off the table. I am not great at communicating my boundaries so maybe it wasn’t clear to him. I kind of froze and he only stopped because in the end I flinched because it hurt. Today he is off with his (not sure what to call her….sexual needs companion?). I am sore and feel pretty awful. I think I am making up stories in my head but it kind of feels a bit like he purposely did something he knows I don’t like and he knew I probably wouldn’t stop him. I think the reality is that this was my own fault and responsibility and I need to put the ground work in to reconnecting with him and accidents like this will happen. I am going to give a clear no if it happens again but I am a bit scared of upsetting him and giving him the message that he is unwanted.

Please contact one of the support lines for victims of sexual assault. You need support. Real support.

What he did was not OK. It was not your fault for not saying to stop. He knows what your boundaries are and he forced himself passed them. He deliberately hurt you in doing so.

You did nothing wrong.

OP I don’t mean this flippantly but you should seek therapy.

I do completely agree, if that is an entirely mutual thing between equals, and both are happy with the fact that one or both get certain specific desires met by others.

But coupled with the description she gives of his physical abuse of her (performing the act she had stated she did not consent to, leaving her still physically hurt the next day) this seems more like a situation where this man insists his needs are met REGARDLESS of the impact on OP and how it may hurt her, sadly.

Gosh OP, is it all about him? For my husband, sex is a really important thing...I am ok for him to be with other people...If he fall in love and leaves...I truly want him to be happy and feel accepted and loved... Him, Him, Him! Is your whole happiness based on him being happy? Is that the only thing that fulfils you? Did I miss a post where you said you have discussed and he accepted what your needs are too? Please tell me I've missed that somewhere!

This is shocking, he is taking the absolute piss out of you.
What are you getting out of this arrangement?
He’s just not into you OP
Have some self respect and stop being a doormat.

It is absolutely not your own fault.

It is HIS fault. In every way. Get used to thinking that way because HE is the problem.

What’s important to you? Does he do that? Even if he doesn’t want to?

"I am going to put some courage on and tell him I didn't like what happened..."

This is concerning, OP. If you have to "put some courage on" to have an honest discussion with your dh, then your relationship is in real trouble. I think counseling is in order to explore why you are willing to let your husband sexually violate and cheat on you.

Oh OP, this is awful to read. He knew you didn’t want to do whatever it was (although we can all guess) and he did it anyway.

He sexually assaulted you.

This whole set up sounds horrendous. You sound crushed and beaten down. Find some anger and kick this piece of shit out. You cannot connect emotionally to someone who does not care about how you feel.

Well, he’s really got you where he wants you hasn’t he?

Divorce him and if you really want a partner meet someone you are compatible with.

Op you write about his wants and needs and how you want him to be happy and fulfilled but what about you? Is this really what you want for him to be off fucking other women but also still coercing you into sex acts that you have said you don't want to do. He's bullying and humiliating you.

He's got you to a point where your self esteem is so low that you'll accept anything to be with him. Why do you want to be with him? What are the reasons?

I think you should stop having sex with him and get yourself some counselling. Hopefully if you work on yourself you will see that this life is not acceptable.

I talk from experience, you may not see it now but once you leave him, you will feel such a sense of freedom and relief and wish you had done it sooner

What you are describing is sexual abuse.

That's not ok

I have had a referral put through to women's aid. I am feeling like I have completely betrayed him.

He sounds vile. How on earth did he convince you that it would help your marriage and rebuild your connection if he can f@ck other people?! This is batshit.

This is absolutely awful. This is sexual abuse, no decent man would do this to you. Please talk to Women's Aid and try to get away from him, someone who cared about you would not be making you do anything you were unhappy about, never mind actually physically hurt you.

Oh my god PLEASE PLEASE don’t think that- he is a piece of shit and he is using your vulnerability to fulfill his sexual desires. There is NOTHING about this that is loving or healthy.

He is very selfish and is abusing you. He knew what he was doing and knew it would hurt and you won’t like it!

He has no respect for you.

I agree with others… it’s strange he making you have sex with him … yet having an open relationship with others. This makes no sense at all. He is controlling and abusing you.

This man is abusing you. He knows you are desperate for the marriage to continue and despite him getting you to accept an open marriage, he still wants sex from you on his terms. The sex act he coerced from you was no accident (deep down you know this), it was a power move, letting you know that his wants are his priority. No amount of boundary explaining will stop him because he doesn’t care about you or your boundaries.

Sex isn’t his love language, subjugation is his motive and you are smart enough to know that the second you don’t let him take whatever he wants from you, he’ll emotionally disconnect altogether. There’s no universe where you can hang on to your self respect and remain in a relationship with a partner who cares so little about them, he is prepared to humiliate them for fun. I’m sorry you are in a headspace where staying with this vile excuse for a human is your preferred choice.

No one is going to rescue you. Get out now or wait around for him to extract your last part of dignity from you and then dump you.

What would your DH say if you went out with another man and had sex with him given that your marriage is open? I suspect he wouldn't be happy!

And this "girlfriend" of your DH's; is she aware that she is being used for non-committal sex as part of an open marriage? Or is she hoping that your DH will leave you for her and pressurising him accordingly? Is your DH telling her he loves her? Most women don't tolerate being a third party sex hole without some promise or indication of future commitment.

Your DH sounds like a dog with 2 dicks OP. Completely controlled by his sex drive and everything has to be about him and his need for certain sex acts and shagging. What about loyalty, friendship, shared hopes and dreams, family life, kids, property, love and laughter? And yet his life and yours are controlled by his sex drive and his need for sex acts that he's probably seen on the internet that are distasteful to you and likely the majority of women.

He's horrible. I hope he's wealthy and at least provides a good lifestyle for you. I'd be seeing a good solicitor personally.

Life with this randy man must be quite miserable and last night’s act sounds pretty inexcusable 😖

Every word of this is excellent advice.
OP, your posts are making me, and everyone else, feel sad and worried for you.
You sound as though your confidence is on the floor and you've taken on all the responsibility for salvaging this relationship.
In doing so it seems you are having to sacrifice your own needs, happiness and bodily autonomy and prioritise what your DH feels he's entitled to do.
This is no way to live - he is manipulating you to get what he wants, emotionally and physically.
Please put yourself first and trust your instinctive boundaries xx

Well done OP, you are not betraying him AT ALL you are SAVING YOURSELF!! women's aid will help you process these feelings of guilt and shame, in the mean time focus 100% on your own strength, health and wellbeing. Find a thing or two that you love doing, you real passion in life. Also, do you work? If not get a job and build your independence. One day you will wake up to this vile man and realize how much happier you are when you're free of him. He is AWFUL! Keep going OP you've done the hard bit.

I have no other advice than what as already been posted but I just wanted to say that reading your post made me so uncomfortable.

I don't want to be dramatic but looking in this feels like coercion.
The fact that this is all about his 'needs' and you're the one scrabbling to rebuild connection because he's off having sex with other women, is so telling.

Leave him OP. This relationship is over.
Get out now whilst you have a scrap of dignity and self esteem left. Nothing and I mean nothing is worth losing that for.

@usedtobeaperson even your username says how down trodden you are.
He has fed you a load of absolute bollocks so he can shag other women.
I'm sorry your self esteem must be non existent.
Please get out.