Feeling pretty awful but my own fault

[usedtobeaperson]

I think I am in the wrong but a bit confused and want a outside looking in perspective…. (apologies in advance this is sex related)

There is a long and complicated history between my husband and I. We have a sexual mismatch and over the last 6 months have had an open marriage on his side so that he can get his needs met.
We both want the marriage to work and we are working on maintaining a connection. I am feeling very disconnected and trying date nights and time together to try and reconnect. For my husband, he connects through sex. I have consented to a sex act that I am hoping will go towards our connection but have been pretty honest that I am doing it because the connection between us is important and I know that sex is a way he feels connected. Last night he started doing something during this sex act that I thought we were clear was off the table. I am not great at communicating my boundaries so maybe it wasn’t clear to him. I kind of froze and he only stopped because in the end I flinched because it hurt. Today he is off with his (not sure what to call her….sexual needs companion?). I am sore and feel pretty awful. I think I am making up stories in my head but it kind of feels a bit like he purposely did something he knows I don’t like and he knew I probably wouldn’t stop him. I think the reality is that this was my own fault and responsibility and I need to put the ground work in to reconnecting with him and accidents like this will happen. I am going to give a clear no if it happens again but I am a bit scared of upsetting him and giving him the message that he is unwanted.

I hope you’re feeling better today OP. How did it go with telling your partner?

This is not OK OP. You are being mistreated and abused and misled. You deserve better than this. This man is never going to give you what you want or need. He’s only out for himself.

He's manipulating you into doing sexual acts by preying on your insecurities - you're scared of losing him/upset that he's getting more fulfilling sex elsewhere, and that's pushing you into trying to satisfy him in ways you don't really want to.

It doesn't sound like you're getting anything other than anxiety from this 'open relationship'. You shouldn't feel obliged to allow it. Sometimes it's even best to end a relationship over sexual incompatibility because a compromise rarely works for both partners. On the other hand, it might be worth you getting yourself some extramarital sex in the same way your husband is. It might well reignite your sexual spark and improve the current situation. I'm sure your husband would be most pleased for you?

I can’t believe what I have been reading and this final quote is really sad.
Please leave this utter dirtbag and don’t worry about his needs being met as it sounds like he’s getting plenty. Think about yourself and your needs as he’s not bothering to.

You have not betrayed him. Please wake up and take the blinkers off your eyes. He's scum. I hope you get some help from Women's Aid and start nurturing your self esteem xx

Have my very first LTB

I am speechless to be honest. Your husband knows perfectly well that the sex act he performed on you, wasn't something you wanted to do, yet he still went ahead. He carried on because he knew you wouldn't stop him and would go along with it. He knows you are desperate to hang onto the marriage, so he's manipulated you into agreeing to him 'exploring his needs' outside the marriage. He's having his cake and eating it. I have no idea why you want to stay with a man, who has no respect for you? You don't have a marriage OP. You don't really have a relationship, let alone a marriage. No man who loves his wife, treats her like your husband. Seek help, and fast.

He is the one betraying you
He's done a complete number on you.
He'a raped you as well.
True consent is not given when you're worried he'll leave, be sad, not have his needs meet

This is not a marriage. This is not love. This is not respect. This is not safe. This is not healthy.